LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 I became emotionally close to a coworker at the beginning of the year. At first there were what i thought were red flags, telling me he and his wife had drifted apart, he goes home to eat alone and he is always working so they don’t interact that much anymore. I thought, well all cheaters say that to gain sympathy. Well later i found out he grew up as this sheltered guy who is shy around people and has been only with his wife since high school. He is religious and is the type who never want to step on other people. The more we talked and got closer the more he confided in me. His wife is in love with her own coworker, admitted that to him but she is heartbroken he wouldn’t leave his wife for her. My own coworker is of the “nice guys finish last” kind so he comforts his wife, lets her stay in their house, does all the housework but at the same time he said he has grown numb after experiencing all the pain this brought and they had talked about divorce. This has been going on for 3 years. They have an 8 year old daughter and he focuses on her instead. He said he was drawn to me because i seem to have a lot of friends and i have a bubbly personality and he just had this urge to want to get to know me. We would talk about everything under the sun and would banter back and forth until it became sexual. We both knew it was dangerous and we did succumbed to our wants and needs. Yes i am married 10 years. No kids. DH and i have been fighting more and more the past two years. We had drifted apart too. He always made me feel like i never do enough for him even though i handle almost everything at home, he is easily jealous, and has been asking for a divorce each time we fought. He has been depressed and has depended his happiness so much on me that it started to feel like an obligation. I didn’t really share this with my coworker. He and i have been messaging and were getting closer. He would tell me about his day and would send me vlogs. I never met his daughter but we “met” through videos. He would send me videos of her telling me of her day and i would do the same. I was happy he shared his daughter with me in a way. I asked if his wife knows and he said yes. His daughter talks about me all the time and his wife barely cares because she is so consumed with her own lovelife. On my end, my husband knows only a bit about him, that i work with him. One time he sent me a picture when he took his daughter out and my husband asked why is my coworker sending pictures and why at night (around 8pm). I clammed up and asked my coworker to say he sent that by mistake. That was what i told my husband, that maybe he didn’t mean to send that to me. I know i lied but i was afraid my husband would get jealous and start another fight. My coworker didn’t see the message right away so he didn’t reply. Husband believed me and we left it at that. (Well i think he is suspicious but he dropped the topic). My coworker apologized profusely. He started pulling away from me and wouldn’t kiss me. We had a couple of very serious talks where i poured my heart out and he did the same. He said he has always been upfront with me, about his situation with his marriage. That he never put restrictions on me, i can text or call him anytime. That his daughter sends me videos and talks about me. But on my end i hide him and he felt like i just take him out when it’s convenient for me. That i probably just forget about him when i go home. He said his only intentions were of kinship and connecting with me emotionally and spiritually. That at the beginning he felt guilty but I convinced him we were not doing anything wrong, we were just connecting. Yes he was curious of the physical aspect and succumbed to his weaknesses but that he doesn’t regret any of it. He said he needs to be better for me. Because he was getting comfortable in reaching out to me whenever and now he realized what could happen. That if my husband finds out then this could mean the end of my marriage or if we put our marriage back together, it might mean the end of our friendship, because i would choose my husband over him. Because who was he in my life? A nobody compared to my husband who I’ve known for years. He said he is looking at the bigger picture which is him wanting to keep our friendship. He would rather let go of the other aspects (physical) and keep our kinship instead. I cried and asked him to keep me but he said i am not his to keep. This was when i started telling him of our issues and talks of divorce. He said we are not on the same wavelength. That i am just cloudy and I don’t know what i want. He believes in karma and he doesn’t want to mess with mine. That he thinks of me and my husband and what our close friendship would do to our marriage. I told him my marriage is failing but he said I don’t know that. At least we still talk and argue unlike him and his wife who don’t even really talk anymore. So he’s pulled away by not getting physical with me. We still have the emotional and spiritual connection and we talk on the phone on the days we are not at work together. His wife is still hung up on the other guy and he has told her they need to decide by end of the year how to proceed, most likely divorce. My husband and i had one major fight in June and he asked for divorce which i agreed to after giving it enough thought. I finally stopped and faced our problems and realized he was right. The only thing is, after i said yes he changed his mind. But my mind didn’t change. So here we are, me wanting to divorce and end this shell of a marriage while my husband realized what he had now that he is losing it and wants to work on it. I’m not really sure why i’m on this forum. I guess to vent and ask for insight. I get a bit insecure and go back and forth about why my coworker is backing off. Did he really mean all he said about doing this for me and being selfless? Was he just leading me on and has had his fill so now he wants to take those steps back. But he still communicates a lot with me. And I don’t know what to do about my marriage. I finally opened my eyes to our problems and differences and has lost all will to work on anything with him after all the pain. Each time he asked for divorce, it was like a manipulation tactic so i would try to appease him and do whatever he wants me to do. How do i know i really am done? What if i just feel this because my coworker is there as a safety net? Thanks for reading. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. 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Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Wow. Reads like an infidelity game of Jenga, so many levels of cheating it's hard to keep track. And you're considering life with a guy who sticks his 8-year old in the middle of this mess? LostSoul330, I'd bet almost everything you think you know about your AP's marriage is false. If it's as bad as you say it is, he'd simply leave. That he doesn't, while simultaneously sleeping with you, should tell you all you need to know about where you stand. Your marriage and his marriage are separate issues. You'd be better served solving your problems one at a time... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Get rid of the MM and resolve your marriage one way or the other. Your statements about your husband are all blaming and contentious but he's not the one breaking his vows. As for your shy, religious MM - what kind of a man puts an 8yr old child in the middle of an affair? The type of behaviour you describe is not that of a good man and I doubt his wife knows. Believe me, she may know about you but if that were me and I found out my husband was using my child as, basically, chic bait, there would be hell to pay..... Open your eyes, this is not a good man, detach from him, dea andl with your own drama. You may not like it, but the only blame free individual is your BH. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Plenty women have been here with similar stories, they have found a wonderful married man who truly understands them. They go full steam ahead and divorce to find the wonderful man's marriage is not something he actually wants to give up on. Be very careful. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Seriously, he has introduced you to his daughter and she talks about you with his wife? That is... too much, and too awful, to believe. My friend, you need to figure out what you want to do about your marriage. And, you can not make an accurate assessment of your marriage if you are involved in a fantasy relationship with another man. As to the OM. I also think you would be surprised to learn that what you think you know about his marriage is not true... He may be shy and religious, but he is not a good man if he is cheating on his wife and involving his child in his very inappropriate relationships... And, as Elaine says - you may well decide to leave your husband but don't be surprised if your MM has a change of heart and discovers that he is not as ready to leave his wife and his family and he thought... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 deleted. Accidental double post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Wow. Reads like an infidelity game of Jenga, so many levels of cheating it's hard to keep track. And you're considering life with a guy who sticks his 8-year old in the middle of this mess? LostSoul330, I'd bet almost everything you think you know about your AP's marriage is false. If it's as bad as you say it is, he'd simply leave. That he doesn't, while simultaneously sleeping with you, should tell you all you need to know about where you stand. Your marriage and his marriage are separate issues. You'd be better served solving your problems one at a time... Mr. Lucky I know everyone here probably says the same thing, but we really did not seek out an actual physical affair. He told me where i stand. That he became attached to me but he backed off because he knows what’s best for me, that i’m still confused about my marriage and he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. But you’re right, who knows if he is even telling me the truth. I’ve played it over and over in my head and I can’t find a single inconsistency with anything he has said. Either he is that good at deceiving people or he is really telling the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Get rid of the MM and resolve your marriage one way or the other. Your statements about your husband are all blaming and contentious but he's not the one breaking his vows. As for your shy, religious MM - what kind of a man puts an 8yr old child in the middle of an affair? The type of behaviour you describe is not that of a good man and I doubt his wife knows. Believe me, she may know about you but if that were me and I found out my husband was using my child as, basically, chic bait, there would be hell to pay..... Open your eyes, this is not a good man, detach from him, dea andl with your own drama. You may not like it, but the only blame free individual is your BH. My husband has been the one wanting a divorce for the past two years. I do understand what you mean that at least he never broke his fidelity vows and for that i will always be ashamed i broke mine. I really fell deeply into this thing with MM. And yes, it endeared to me that i was getting to know his daughter somehow. I truly believe he did that with no foul intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Welcome to LS.... My husband and i had one major fight in June and he asked for divorce which i agreed to after giving it enough thought. I finally stopped and faced our problems and realized he was right. The only thing is, after i said yes he changed his mind. But my mind didnÂ’t change. So here we are, me wanting to divorce and end this shell of a marriage while my husband realized what he had now that he is losing it and wants to work on it. This has apparently been going on for two years. Are you afraid to be alone? Why? Are you currently involved with the married man in your story? You mentioned he backed off. What's the status? As a comparison, when you've shared your marital story with a close girlfriend, what kind of feedback do you get? Trusted friends know us best and usually know our M's better than strangers do. What's your experience? What's your age range and is this your first M? Since you've both apparently been discussing divorce for awhile, what fear is stopping you/him? Have you talked about that? Absent fear, it's just some legal mumbo-jumbo and you're outta there. Free. What's up? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 what do you want? extra-marital sex? come on, snap out of it! ok, you are lonely on some level, but sexy trysts are not the solution Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Plenty women have been here with similar stories, they have found a wonderful married man who truly understands them. They go full steam ahead and divorce to find the wonderful man's marriage is not something he actually wants to give up on. Be very careful. I completely understand and if i was not knee deep in this issue, i would probably give the same advice from an outside perspective. I think this is why he backed off, so i can figure out my marital problems. I need to be able to tell myself that if my husband and i end our marriage that it was because of our own issues and not because of someone else. I guess he is giving me space to figure out how i feel so i can make sound decisions..? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 But you’re right, who knows if he is even telling me the truth. I’ve played it over and over in my head and I can’t find a single inconsistency with anything he has said. Said every single woman engaged in an affair with a married man... those rose coloured glasses make it difficult to see clearly sometimes. My friend, lying and cheating usually go hand in hand. The question is usually - is he lying with you, or to you. The challenge is... in most affairs, it’s impossible to ever really feel confident that you know with certainty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Seriously, he has introduced you to his daughter and she talks about you with his wife? That is... too much, and too awful, to believe. My friend, you need to figure out what you want to do about your marriage. And, you can not make an accurate assessment of your marriage if you are involved in a fantasy relationship with another man. As to the OM. I also think you would be surprised to learn that what you think you know about his marriage is not true... He may be shy and religious, but he is not a good man if he is cheating on his wife and involving his child in his very inappropriate relationships... And, as Elaine says - you may well decide to leave your husband but don't be surprised if your MM has a change of heart and discovers that he is not as ready to leave his wife and his family and he thought... He introduced me to his daughter because he had no ill intentions or end game. He saw me as a friend who he developed emotional and spiritual connections with. He was the one who felt hurt when he found out i was not as open as he was by keeping this out of my husband’s radar. He doesn’t like to deceive people which is why he wants us to just be friends. Keep the emotional spiritual connection but not physical. But to me it felt like a rejection because i feel that physical aspect links all connections together. I do need to figure out my marriage. I admit my love for my husband has slowly been dying for the past couple years. I think this is why my heart opened up to someone else. I already agreed to the divorce but my husband had a change of heart. It has been four months and i feel the same about my decision. The hurt has been too much. But i also don’t want to be abrupt and just draw out papers just like that. I guess this is why MM said i’m still confused because if i really wanted this divorce I would’ve done it by now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Welcome to LS.... This has apparently been going on for two years. Are you afraid to be alone? Why? Are you currently involved with the married man in your story? You mentioned he backed off. What's the status? As a comparison, when you've shared your marital story with a close girlfriend, what kind of feedback do you get? Trusted friends know us best and usually know our M's better than strangers do. What's your experience? What's your age range and is this your first M? Since you've both apparently been discussing divorce for awhile, what fear is stopping you/him? Have you talked about that? Absent fear, it's just some legal mumbo-jumbo and you're outta there. Free. What's up? Thank you for the questions. It would help me sort out my feelings as i answer. Husband said the same thing. Why didn’t i agree to divorce? Because i was afraid to be alone or be labeled as divorced? Partly yes, partly because i was in denial thinking people stay in marriages and work it out, not divorce and find another relationship which would have its own set of issues. But now that i finally agreed, husband changed his mind and wants to work on it. He has depression and I’m afraid he will do something if i leave abruptly. I admit it probably doesn’t help much that we stay in the same house still. About MM, we see each other at work twice a week. Basically spend all day together and eat after work before going home. We have fun, we talk and he shares more about his family, marriage and problems. I do the same. But he refuses to get physical, no more kissing etc. When we are not at work we talk on the phone daily. Yes i shared this with both my sisters. They mostly just listen because they don’t want me to be confused if they interject their opinions. But sometimes it slips through. That they never thought my husband was the right guy for me, that i always seemed to not be myself when with him. My MM has interacted with them and they see how i am with him. That i laugh more and I don’t suppress myself, i can just be me with him. They did tell me i need to figure out what i want and not to use MM’s failing marriage as a basis for my decision to divorce. And they observed MM has low self esteem (he admits to it), he is so scared to disappoint me and he thinks i just feel forced to spend time or talk to him. I have to reassure him many times i enjoy being with him. I’m in my early 30s and married 10 years. Been with DH since i was 19. We were each other’s second relationship but first marriage for both. What’s stoppping us is husband changed his mind. Now he is trying to work on it which makes me withdraw more from him because i had finally opened up my eyes and made up my mind that yes, he was right, divorce was the right option. Due to his depression i am scared to abruptly leave. Of course it also seems like such a big step and is so daunting. I also fear what if we regret it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Said every single woman engaged in an affair with a married man... those rose coloured glasses make it difficult to see clearly sometimes. My friend, lying and cheating usually go hand in hand. The question is usually - is he lying with you, or to you. The challenge is... in most affairs, it’s impossible to ever really feel confident that you know with certainty. Oh those rose colored glasses...makes your heart skip a beat but also later drags you down once they are lifted... See the thing is, it seems i am the one lying to my husband while MM has been open. That’s why he ended up messaging me even at night because in his mind there was nothing wrong. I was the one who freaked out because i did not want my husband to know. He said he feels like i put him up on a shelf and just take him out when it’s convenient for me. And that he is not like that. He usually gives his all and he doesn’t want to live a double life by acting different at work and outside work. He explained that if we are close at work then he would end up missing me outside of work and would want to reach out naturally. But if i have these restrictions, then it’s not something he wants to be involved with because that means i have to lie to my husband. I told him not to back off but that i will just be more careful. He said he doesn’t want me to “have to be careful” or to feel like i need to be hiding things because it is not right. Wow, i think i might be the liar in all this. Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 I am not here to judge you, it is very easy to get wrapped up in a situation like this and get swept away emotionally like you have. Essentially, what are you going through is not unique, special, nor does it hold any practical worth. It may seem like it does from your perspective, but the basis of this entire "relationship" is founded on lies, deception and deceit, from both parties. Taken at face value, the essence of what you may think you have is flawed to the core, a chemically induced apparition, one that must be subdued for you to gain actual, beneficial perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 He doesn’t like to deceive people which is why he wants us to just be friends. Again LostSoul330, think rationally about what you're saying. He doesn't like to deceive people but... ...he's lying to you about the condition of his marriage ...he's lying to his wife about the relationship with you ...he's putting you in a position where you're lying to your husband ...he's lying to his daughter about the relationship with you Plenty of blame to go around here, yourself included. I'm always amazed at people's willingness to engage in ignoble actions in the pursuit of a noble "love" they feel they deserve... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 I am not here to judge you, it is very easy to get wrapped up in a situation like this and get swept away emotionally like you have. Essentially, what are you going through is not unique, special, nor does it hold any practical worth. It may seem like it does from your perspective, but the basis of this entire "relationship" is founded on lies, deception and deceit, from both parties. Taken at face value, the essence of what you may think you have is flawed to the core, a chemically induced apparition, one that must be subdued for you to gain actual, beneficial perspective. YOur last sentence is exactly what he said. I’m just in a fog, i dontknow what i want, i’m cloudy. He’s backing off so I won’t get confused. Rationally I understand what he means, he is giving me space to figure myself out, but my initial reaction is to cling even more to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostSoul330 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Again LostSoul330, think rationally about what you're saying. He doesn't like to deceive people but... ...he's lying to you about the condition of his marriage ...he's lying to his wife about the relationship with you ...he's putting you in a position where you're lying to your husband ...he's lying to his daughter about the relationship with you Plenty of blame to go around here, yourself included. I'm always amazed at people's willingness to engage in ignoble actions in the pursuit of a noble "love" they feel they deserve... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky, i think i am starting to realize i am the lying, selfish one in this whole mess. Maybe because he is the guy then he is easily persecuted first. If he was the female and came here for advice because she opened herself up to another man and introduced him to her daughter and was open with communication then finds out the guy was lying to his wife by hiding her, only communicate with her before 5pm after which he is home with his wife, wanting to get physical but probably is also physical with his wife while she has no physical relations with her husband, the advice here would probably be so different, they would be persecuting ME. I think this is why he is backing off, partly also so he wouldn’t get hurt? Because i could probably easily go back to my husband and leave him in the dirt while he has no marriage (except in the legal sense) to go back to. My only consolation to myself is i did not seek out to have an affair and i do genuinely feel what i feel for him. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Once you cross that line there is no going back, you can't undo anything you have done, you own it for the rest of your life. Keeping your secret relationship, your emotional affair from your husband is a marriage buster. These things have a way of coming into the light, sometimes years later. You need to find out why you have chosen to be part time in your marriage, why you choose to invest your emotional self into another man rather then spending the effort and time necessary to fix what is broken in your marriage. Two things I know for sure, bringing a third person into an already damaged relationship never works and only being part time in a relationship is a formula for failure. Great marriages don't just happen, they need a lot of work just like a beautiful garden. If you don't give it the care and attention it needs it will die. Decide what it is you want then commit yourself. You need to stop hiding secrets from your husband, I think he is already on to you and your friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 My only consolation to myself is i did not seek out to have an affair That should actually be cause for alarm. For instance, people don't seek to arrive at retirement age with no savings, hopefully you'd agree there's proactive financial steps you take along the way. Affair-proofing your marriage is a similar process. Besides the things you do to make sure the relationship is healthy, you avoid inappropriate interactions with other men. No intimate conversations, lunches together, confidences shared - sound familiar? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Old one Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Alive again, it’s sounds to me like you are being groomed by a master. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Old One please explain, your new and your very first comment is a response to one of my posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Old one Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Alive, my sincere apologies, that post was meant for lost soul. Yes, my join date is new, but I have been lurking for a long time, again, my apology for the mix up in names. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Oh those rose colored glasses...makes your heart skip a beat but also later drags you down once they are lifted... See the thing is, it seems i am the one lying to my husband while MM has been open. That’s why he ended up messaging me even at night because in his mind there was nothing wrong. I was the one who freaked out because i did not want my husband to know. He said he feels like i put him up on a shelf and just take him out when it’s convenient for me. And that he is not like that. He usually gives his all and he doesn’t want to live a double life by acting different at work and outside work. He explained that if we are close at work then he would end up missing me outside of work and would want to reach out naturally. But if i have these restrictions, then it’s not something he wants to be involved with because that means i have to lie to my husband. I told him not to back off but that i will just be more careful. He said he doesn’t want me to “have to be careful” or to feel like i need to be hiding things because it is not right. Wow, i think i might be the liar in all this. So, in his mind, it's completely acceptable for him to be having an emotional affair as long as his wife is aware... He objects to the fact that you do not want to share your relationship with your husband. Do you understand how twisted his thinking is? Imagine, he is sitting on the sofa watching a movie with his wife, while he's texting another woman to tell her how he is feeling about work and what he is planning to do this weekend... That's inappropriate. Just as inappropriate as introducing the woman with whom he is having an inappropriate relationship, ahem - friendship - with his daughter. Can you imagine if your husband was emotionally engaged with another woman such that they were texting all the time and sharing their feelings... And he introduced your child to the other woman? How would you feel about that? Would it be acceptable to you... You too are both so deep in this emotional affair that you have found a way to justify and excuse your behavior... The only difference is, you have found different ways to justify this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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