Drawn to co-worker. We're both married.

[LostSoul330]

So, in his mind, it's completely acceptable for him to be having an emotional affair as long as his wife is aware... He objects to the fact that you do not want to share your relationship with your husband.

 

Do you understand how twisted his thinking is? Imagine, he is sitting on the sofa watching a movie with his wife, while he's texting another woman to tell her how he is feeling about work and what he is planning to do this weekend... That's inappropriate.

 

Just as inappropriate as introducing the woman with whom he is having an inappropriate relationship, ahem - friendship - with his daughter. Can you imagine if your husband was emotionally engaged with another woman such that they were texting all the time and sharing their feelings... And he introduced your child to the other woman? How would you feel about that? Would it be acceptable to you...

 

You too are both so deep in this emotional affair that you have found a way to justify and excuse your behavior... The only difference is, you have found different ways to justify this relationship.

 

His wife doesn’t care, they are estranged. She is too hung up on her own affair that they don’t have a relationship anymore. I asked what he will do if his wife tells him to stop talking to me because she wants to work on the marriage. He said it is too late, she cannot just pick him back up after discarding him for the other man. They very rarely do any activities together, only for the benefit of daughter. And he tells me about them or shows me pictures. He does it casually, not to prove anything to me. Of course, technically they are legally atill married but things are not always black and white.

[LostSoul330]

Once you cross that line there is no going back, you can't undo anything you have done, you own it for the rest of your life. Keeping your secret relationship, your emotional affair from your husband is a marriage buster. These things have a way of coming into the light, sometimes years later. You need to find out why you have chosen to be part time in your marriage, why you choose to invest your emotional self into another man rather then spending the effort and time necessary to fix what is broken in your marriage. Two things I know for sure, bringing a third person into an already damaged relationship never works and only being part time in a relationship is a formula for failure.

 

Great marriages don't just happen, they need a lot of work just like a beautiful garden. If you don't give it the care and attention it needs it will die. Decide what it is you want then commit yourself. You need to stop hiding secrets from your husband, I think he is already on to you and your friend.

 

Because i had given up on my marriage. I lost interest when my husband repeatedly emotionally hurt me. Yes, this is no justification to have an affair but those are the facts. When you give your all to the marriage and the other person keeps pushing you away, soon or later you will stop missing them, you will feel numb, you will care less. I had been in denial that’s why i kept clinging to my marriage but after facing the facts, i had to open my eyes.

 

Getting emotionally involved with the other man was not done on purpose to be vindictive, it was a result of being pushed away by husband and also my own immaturity of not learning how to face my problems head on instead of distracing myself. To that i admit is my mistake.

[LostSoul330]

Alive again, it’s sounds to me like you are being groomed by a master. Just my opinion.

 

I completely understand that this is a possibility as it happens everywhere and to anyone, but i respectfully disagree that this is true in my situation. Someone here asked if i had shared this with trusted people and what did they think, knowing that people close to me would be able to see it for what it is more clearly than i can. And the answer is i shared this to my sisters, they interact with MM and both agree he has feelings for me and is sincere. I think they would be the first ones to object if they can see anything other than sincerity. They do agree that i need to get my life in order before i get into another relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

And the answer is i shared this to my sisters, they interact with MM and both agree he has feelings for me and is sincere. I think they would be the first ones to object if they can see anything other than sincerity. They do agree that i need to get my life in order before i get into another relationship.

 

So your marriage and his marriage, both dead. What's to stop you from being together happily ever after? Spoiler alert - that's rarely what happens ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostSoul330]

what do you want? extra-marital sex? come on, snap out of it! ok, you are lonely on some level, but sexy trysts are not the solution

 

I want...to be happy. I was not happy in my marriage for the past couple years. YEs i have been lonely, i see that very clearly. I don’t want just extramarital sex because I can’t do that without emotions. I want the whole thing, physical, emotional, spiritual. I wish my marriage did not go the way it did, but it did. All i had ever wanted in my marriage was a partnership, to be with this person and give the best i can. But unfortunately, my husband stopped being that person i needed. I begged him for counseling and whatever else i could think of to fix our marriage but he refused for one reason or another. All he wanted was to divorce and each time he asked for that, i became numb and numb and i stopped caring.

 

I realized how that sounded. That i was lonely so i clung to the next person who showed me interest. Maybe that is what happened, and my MM realized that. That’s why he thinks we are not on the same wavelength because he is ready emotionally to be involved with another but i am not.

[BaileyB]

So your marriage and his marriage, both dead. What's to stop you from being together happily ever after?

 

Also my question.

 

Surely, life is too short to waste years of your lives in unhappy marriages... And if you say that he stays to keep the home-life intact for his daughter, what exactly do you think they are modelling for their child? If what he is telling you is true, his daughter is being raised in an unhappy home where both parents have no relationship and are both openly engaging in other affairs... What kind of damage do you think they are doing to that child?

[LostSoul330]

So your marriage and his marriage, both dead. What's to stop you from being together happily ever after? Spoiler alert - that's rarely what happens ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

GOod question MR. Lucky.

 

I want to be sure my marriage ends because of mine and my husband’s issues, not because there is an MM. i know what i need to do and it is to take time away from MM and think clearly. But God it is hard, i have become so attached to him. Guess that is why he is backing off. He said in order to be kind, a person needs to be selfless and think of the need of others. And he clearly sees i need to figure out my life.

 

We never talked about our future in specific terms. No plans of leaving each other’s marriages for one another. No future faking. Just feel lucky to connect like we did. If we were both single when we met, we would probably be together now and there would be no confusion about our feelings for each other.

 

Logically i know why he is backing off. Emotionally, well, my own insecurities flare up sometimes and it makes me think he was just toying with me. What i wish for is for both our marriages to end their natural end. I know it is hard to predict that this relationship would last forever but isn’t that what people long for? I would be happy to just be given a chance for us to continue connecting and see where this may lead.

[LostSoul330]

Also my question.

 

Surely, life is too short to waste years of your lives in unhappy marriages... And if you say that he stays to keep the home-life intact for his daughter, what exactly do you think they are modelling for their child? If what he is telling you is true, his daughter is being raised in an unhappy home where both parents have no relationship and are both openly engaging in other affairs... What kind of damage do you think they are doing to that child?

 

He told his wife they need to decide by the end of the year. Because this has been long overdue. Their poor daughter can feel the tension. She would tell him she wishes it was just her and her dad. Her mom is always on her phone with the other man. She barely spends time with the child. He said all he can do is focus on his daughter and spend as much time with her. He knows that in this state, the law always sides with the mother and she will probably have custody or have 50/50 the most. So it’s either keep the home life intact even with this tension or see his daughter only half the time. Neither seems ideal but gotta choose the lesser evil right?

[elaine567]

I would be happy to just be given a chance for us to continue connecting and see where this may lead.

 

 

That is why so many MW get unstuck.

Their dream is to seamlessly transition from their marriage to a new relationship/marriage with the AP as their new partner. Monkey branching basically.

A man in an affair may not see things in the same way.

Many are there for simply "extra", extra sex, extra love, extra attention, extra excitement, extra romance etc. not for ongoing commitment, or they can see the MW as a means to get out of a ailing relationship.

Once free they may not want to stick to one woman either... It is a minefield.

YOU are not in the world of single dating, you are in the world of extra marital sex - big difference.

[BaileyB]

He told his wife they need to decide by the end of the year. Because this has been long overdue. Their poor daughter can feel the tension. She would tell him she wishes it was just her and her dad. Her mom is always on her phone with the other man. She barely spends time with the child. He said all he can do is focus on his daughter and spend as much time with her. He knows that in this state, the law always sides with the mother and she will probably have custody or have 50/50 the most. So it’s either keep the home life intact even with this tension or see his daughter only half the time. Neither seems ideal but gotta choose the lesser evil right?

 

I'm sorry, I don't believe a word this man says... I find it hard to believe that he would ever chose to stay with a woman, if her behavior is really as autrocious as you describe.

 

I don't know where you live, but both parents have rights and custody is most commonly shared equally between both parents unless there is reason that it should not be so.

 

And, as to choosing the lesser of two evils... It's just another excuse. More justification. People divorce every single day, they share custody, and they raise healthy and happy children... Perhaps it's just me, but I don't see how staying married to a woman with whom you have no relationship, who is constantly texting another man, and raising your daughter in an unhappy and unhealthy home is the lesser of two evils. If the marriage is dead, then he should end it.

Edited October 11, 2018 by BaileyB

[LostSoul330]

I'm sorry, I don't believe a word this man says... I find it hard to believe that he would ever chose to stay with a woman, if her behavior is really as autrocious as you describe.

 

I don't know where you live, but both parents have rights and custody is most commonly shared equally between both parents unless there is reason that it should not be so.

 

And, as to choosing the lesser of two evils... It's just another excuse. More justification. People divorce every single day, they share custody, and they raise healthy and happy children... Perhaps it's just me, but I don't see how staying married to a woman with whom you have no relationship, who is constantly texting another man, and raising your daughter in an unhappy and unhealthy home is the lesser of two evils. If the marriage is dead, then he should end it.

 

This is certainly one of my fears when my insecurities flare up. Nobody really knows the other person’s intentions except themselves. But why is he pulling back on the physical aspect? If he wants his cake and eat it too wouldn’t he be interested in that? One of the reasons i believe him is he said his only intention was kinship and he pulled back enough just to allow for close friendship and emotional support.

[darkmoon]

I want...to be happy. I was not happy in my marriage for the past couple years. YEs i have been lonely, i see that very clearly. I don’t want just extramarital sex because I can’t do that without emotions. I want the whole thing, physical, emotional, spiritual. I wish my marriage did not go the way it did, but it did. All i had ever wanted in my marriage was a partnership, to be with this person and give the best i can. But unfortunately, my husband stopped being that person i needed. I begged him for counseling and whatever else i could think of to fix our marriage but he refused for one reason or another. All he wanted was to divorce and each time he asked for that, i became numb and numb and i stopped caring.

 

I realized how that sounded. That i was lonely so i clung to the next person who showed me interest. Maybe that is what happened, and my MM realized that. That’s why he thinks we are not on the same wavelength because he is ready emotionally to be involved with another but i am not.

 

So neither man is suitable, hey, you are nice-looking to have 2 men, both imperfect, but there are a plenty of alternatives out there, beyond this rock and hard place choice. Takes guts, time and money to build a new life, but if you are this unhappy, you will know what to do for the best.

Edited October 11, 2018 by darkmoon

[LostSoul330]

Neither man is suitable, hey, you are nice-looking to have 2 men, both imperfect, but there are a plenty of alternatives out there, beyond this rock and hard place choice.

 

What’s funny is both men have low self-esteem. Especially MM. i have to constantly reassure him i like being with him, he feels like he is a bad influence and i just feel sorry for him because of his situation (dead marriage, shy and sheltered, no friends). He deflects compliments even though everyone at work likes him and compliments him a lot.

[elaine567]

This is certainly one of my fears when my insecurities flare up. Nobody really knows the other person’s intentions except themselves. But why is he pulling back on the physical aspect? If he wants his cake and eat it too wouldn’t he be interested in that? One of the reasons i believe him is he said his only intention was kinship and he pulled back enough just to allow for close friendship and emotional support.

Be careful here, assume nothing.

There may be many reasons for pulling back on the sex.

Guilt, stress, illness, boredom even, or may be getting plenty sex at home atm, or he has a new OW, or he has an STI... eek!!!

Who knows?

[darkmoon]

What’s funny is both men have low self-esteem. Especially MM. i have to constantly reassure him i like being with him, he feels like he is a bad influence and i just feel sorry for him because of his situation (dead marriage, shy and sheltered, no friends). He deflects compliments even though everyone at work likes him and compliments him a lot.

 

What is MM really like? What would his wife say about him? Same as you say? You think they never watch TV together in the evenings? Or never collude over the daughter's upbringing? Where are they all on the weekends? And at meal-times? Have you asked him any of that?

 

Your description of him is through the eyes of a colleague, somebody who has to behave well at work. I suspect he has a bit more dimension than that. And cynic that I am, I think his modesty is a bit of a put-on. Better than being the office big-head.

Edited October 11, 2018 by darkmoon

[LostSoul330]

What is MM really like? What would his wife say about him? Same as you say? You think they never watch TV together in the evenings? Or never collude over the daughter's upbringing? Where are they all on the weekends? And at meal-times? Have you asked him any of that?

 

Your description of him is through the eyes of a colleague, somebody who has to behave well at work. I suspect he has a bit more dimension than that. And cynic that I am, I think his modesty is a bit of a put-on. Better than being the office big-head.

 

He works all the time. 3 days a week with us which ends late. The other days and weekends he works somewhere else. He calls me on lunch breaks and when he waits for his daughter after school. And i see messages from the agency who sends him work so i know he is not lying about all these jobs. He does tell me when they eat together as a family which is rare and usually just on weekends. I figured i have no real right to be jealous because we really never established what this relationship was. He asked me what this was but i was the evasive one.

 

He tells me about their fights too which is usually when they see each other on weekends. Wife is stressed because the other guy told her he is not leaving his wife. Or the fight they had about financial issues. Right now all we have been doing is giving each other’s moral support. No expectations, no promises. I know i am being selfish for wanring more when in fact I can’t give him what he needs, someone who will be as open as him. How can i when I haven’t figured out what to do with my marriage.

Edited October 12, 2018 by LostSoul330

[darkmoon]

He works all the time. 3 days a week with us which ends late. The other days and weekends he works somewhere else. He calls me on lunch breaks and when he waits for his daughter after school. And i see messages from the agency who sends him work so i know he is not lying about all these jobs. He does tell me when they eat together as a family which is rare and usually just on weekends. I figured i have no real right to be jealous because we really never established what this relationship was. He asked me what this was but i was the evasive one.

 

 

Look on this as a flirtation. If he leaves home, great. If he does not, at least you have had a bit of a whirl and seen new possibilities. Take it slow, he obviously has your heart. Perhaps you 2 will always be close, but just no sex unless he divorces. That's divorce with dried ink on the papers, not just separating in a temporary bad mood, only to go back home.

[Amethyst68]

So you say the OBS is always on her phone to her own MM in the evening and ignoring her child but you've previously mentioned your MM spends the evening contacting you and not only that but getting his child to do too.

 

 

There's something about this that just sits wrong with me, spending time and bonding with your child is great, reassuring her everything's going to be fine one way or another - fantastic. Getting her to message your OW in front of your wife.... seems the most passive aggressive game of 'one up manship' I've seen in a long time.

 

 

Remember you only see what he wants you to see, I wonder if the wife would recognise this marriage.

[brigit87]

That is why so many MW get unstuck.

Their dream is to seamlessly transition from their marriage to a new relationship/marriage with the AP as their new partner. Monkey branching basically.

A man in an affair may not see things in the same way.

Many are there for simply "extra", extra sex, extra love, extra attention, extra excitement, extra romance etc. not for ongoing commitment, or they can see the MW as a means to get out of a ailing relationship.

Once free they may not want to stick to one woman either... It is a minefield.

YOU are not in the world of single dating, you are in the world of extra marital sex - big difference.

 

This is correct.

 

OP you'll need to ask yourself a few questions:

 

1. Is this guy all that great or is he just different?

 

2. If I left my husband how would I feel about being alone?

 

3. Can I really be faithful?

[LostSoul330]

So you say the OBS is always on her phone to her own MM in the evening and ignoring her child but you've previously mentioned your MM spends the evening contacting you and not only that but getting his child to do too.

 

 

There's something about this that just sits wrong with me, spending time and bonding with your child is great, reassuring her everything's going to be fine one way or another - fantastic. Getting her to message your OW in front of your wife.... seems the most passive aggressive game of 'one up manship' I've seen in a long time.

 

 

Remember you only see what he wants you to see, I wonder if the wife would recognise this marriage.

 

Hi, sorry but you must’ve misunderstood. He doesn’t get her to message me in front of wife in a vindictive way. They send me little videos of her day in school or their weekend activities. This is not daily but quite often (a little less now that he’s pulled back). I took it to mean (also that’s what he says but of course you can never really know for sure) that he had no prior intentions with me. Just became close and opened his life up to me. He talks to his brothers about me, they are happy he found someone he connected with. They don’t ask in so many words but they know about his wife’s affair.

 

His daughter mentions about me a lot because she asks to send videos to me and has been asking if she can go with dad to work to meet me or if i can come play with her. She gets lonely being an only child and mom doesn’t really give her attention. After that thing with my husband (when he asked why coworker sent me pictures of him and daughter) he would tell daughter im busy especially when she asks for me on the weekend when i am off work.

 

Your last sentence-yes it creeps up on my mind quite often. Which is why i get these insecurities after he pulled back. That maybe he’s just done with me, maybe was curious about being physical or close with someonr. But i never see any inconsistency with anything he says, and i understand enough we need to be hypervigilant with these things.

Edited October 12, 2018 by LostSoul330

[LostSoul330]

This is correct.

 

OP you'll need to ask yourself a few questions:

 

1. Is this guy all that great or is he just different?

 

2. If I left my husband how would I feel about being alone?

 

3. Can I really be faithful?

 

Thank you for the questions. Yes i have asked myself.

1. He is kind and thoughtful and treats me with a lot of respect. Even when we started getting physical he would feel guilty. He said guity about me and husband because he thinks of what this would do to us. Yes he succumbed to his own “selfish needs” as he says and he tries to resist saying he needs to be a better man for me. I mostly initiated the intimacy and at times he would get quiet and one time he said “you are another man’s wife” with this look of forlorn. I asked what about his wife. He says she made her own bed and is lying in it. They are separated emotionally speaking. The legality of marriage and their daughter is what’s keeping them in the same house.

 

Their similarity is the low self-esteem. That’s another issue i need to figure out why i am drawn it seems like to that type. I don’t like when people feel sorry for themselves.

 

2. I asked myself this before being with MM. Each time husband asks for divorce, i feel like i inched and inched towards being okay with being alone. My personality is “i’ll take it and take it until i can’t anymore”. So yes I’ve had enough and even before MM, i knew and could tell i was close there. My sister cried when i told her about the last big fight with DH. She said she knew it was coming and this is the real deal. Did MM have some influence in my decision? In a way, yes, it showed me that someone can treat me better, that i dont have to settle for husband’s insults, passive aggression, bouts of unwarranted jealousy and suspicion even at the beginning of our relationship. Would i end up with MM? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t even really know if he has romantic interest in me still. Even between the two of us he refers to me as his bestfriend (after the pulling back)

 

3. Yes i can. I was faithful. Since the beginning my husband was always suspicious and jealous and he had no reason to. He recognized it was his own insecurity and it was not personal. But years and years of being treated like that can wear you down. You ask someone to change and all yoh get is “If you don’t like it here then leave”. How would that make anyone feel? You ask for counseling and is met with a resounding no. These are not justifications but those are the facts. I withdrew from my husband little by little. I started to dread coming home and wished i can just be alone. Never did i ever think i would have a close intimate relationship like this with another man. I have close male friends from college i still keep in touch with, so i know i am capable of maintaining just platonic relationships with the opposite sex. This one was different. There were sparks and connection from the beginning and add to it the loneliness he feels in his marriage and the neglect in my own marriage, sprinkled with vulnerability. My own sisters say i seem happier and more myself with MM than i ever did with DH. (They know abou the emotional and close friendship, not the physical)

[GoldenR]

You're a lost cause...

 

- Everything OM tells you is the truth.

 

- You decide to D after you start screwing OM, but that has nothing to do with it.

 

- OM's W is a bad, bad person. And she also cheats!

 

- Once the new year hits, he'll be free! (On this one, go read in the OW forum. Watch how often the "this is the date!" happens. I'll give you a hint: Never. They just make a new deadline, one that doesn't interfere with kids' school, birthdays, holidays, WWs bday, etc, etc.)

 

And there's no telling you otherwise about any of these things.

 

My advice? Divorce your H. And then wait for OM.to free himself from his god awful misery with his demonic wife. And then wait. And wait some more. And more. And while you're waiting, you can watch your XH find real love. He deserves better than you.

[GoldenR]

I was faithful.

 

 

Sorry, this no longer applies. It's now, "I was unfaithful.". It doesn't matter how long it took you to stray, once you crossed that line, you can no longer say "You were faithful". Bc you weren't. And you can't be both faithful and unfaithful to the same guy. It doesn't work that way.

[Try]

Since the beginning my husband was always suspicious and jealous and he had no reason to. He recognized it was his own insecurity and it was not personal.

You say that "Since the beginning my husband was always suspicious and jealous and he had no reason to", yet we now know that he was right in that he knew you well enough to know that given the opportunity you would cheat. Reading your posts, and your ability to rationalize your cheating, his insecurity was well founded.

 

You just do not get it. Ethical people do not lie and cheat on their spouses. They work on the marriage with their spouse, and then decide if they want to stay in the marriage or divorce. They are open and honest and do not lie. You have proven not to be that type of person. That is not who you are. Stop lying to yourself and face up to that.

[Old one]

This guy sounds a lot like me when I was a much younger POSOM, only I had no kids to use as bait. ( I have seen the error of my ways and changed many years ago), but I did have a puppy and that too was part of my game.

 

OP, I’m sorry but it seems you are caught in the game and believe me, it’s a game. You are at the point where you would step over the line IMO.

 

Realistically, I do hope for your sake that I am wrong, but understand that my opinions are based on concern for you. Again, it’s just my opinion, take it or leave it.

 

Best wishes for a positive outcome.