Drawn to co-worker. We're both married.

[LostSoul330]

You're a lost cause...

 

- Everything OM tells you is the truth.

 

- You decide to D after you start screwing OM, but that has nothing to do with it.

 

- OM's W is a bad, bad person. And she also cheats!

 

- Once the new year hits, he'll be free! (On this one, go read in the OW forum. Watch how often the "this is the date!" happens. I'll give you a hint: Never. They just make a new deadline, one that doesn't interfere with kids' school, birthdays, holidays, WWs bday, etc, etc.)

 

And there's no telling you otherwise about any of these things.

 

My advice? Divorce your H. And then wait for OM.to free himself from his god awful misery with his demonic wife. And then wait. And wait some more. And more. And while you're waiting, you can watch your XH find real love. He deserves better than you.

 

Hi, I take it you are or were a BS? You seem to have so much resentment and thinks of all entanglement as acts of evil. I know majority of it is of that sort, some people just want to have fun and not care about who they hurt. But i have read posts where people leave bad marriages for the other person and ended up happy. It can go either way. I am not saying mine will go that route but I can assure you I did not set out to do something like this. Maybe MM is, he is the only who knows.

 

I’m sorry for whatever happened that brought you this resentment. Not all all OM/OW are evil, not all BS are saints. Some were just vulnerable and lonely and might not have made the best choices in how to deal with it.

 

And yes, i had already agreed to divorce my H as previously posted. I did realize i already left the marriage emotionally even before MM, hence why my heart seemed to have opened up to another person.

[LostSoul330]

Look on this as a flirtation. If he leaves home, great. If he does not, at least you have had a bit of a whirl and seen new possibilities. Take it slow, he obviously has your heart. Perhaps you 2 will always be close, but just no sex unless he divorces. That's divorce with dried ink on the papers, not just separating in a temporary bad mood, only to go back home.

 

Thank you. Your post sounds just like things he has said when he pulled back. He himself acknowledged we went too fast. He said in not so many words that it’s like he became the rebound, the distraction, that maybe I don’t understand my feelings because i am still unsure of my marriage while he seems to be certain of where he and his wife stands.

 

He said i will always be in his heart and we will always have those memories. But he needs to be a better person for me and not take advantage of my vulnerability. And that we can still have fun at work, laugh, connect, support each other emotionally. Sometimes after reading here, i worry about what if he was just playing me and is slowly easing me out of this entanglement. But it has been 4 months since and we are still emotionally close and talk daily.

 

I guess i just need to take a little step back and evaluate what it is i really want. Even if i divorce, it would probably do me good not to get in a relationship so quick.

[LostSoul330]

This guy sounds a lot like me when I was a much younger POSOM, only I had no kids to use as bait. ( I have seen the error of my ways and changed many years ago), but I did have a puppy and that too was part of my game.

 

OP, I’m sorry but it seems you are caught in the game and believe me, it’s a game. You are at the point where you would step over the line IMO.

 

Realistically, I do hope for your sake that I am wrong, but understand that my opinions are based on concern for you. Again, it’s just my opinion, take it or leave it.

 

Best wishes for a positive outcome.

 

Hello Old One, thank you for your insight.

 

Those were fears i had when i first started talking to him at work. But then he usually keeps to himself and is so shy he rarely talks to the women especially. If he was a serial cheater, i imagine there would’ve been hints of it in the past four years since he’s been there. The reason we started talking was he heard i recently went to a country he had always wanted to visit.

 

May I ask how you were when you were “done” with a woman? I’m trying to make sense if he is done with me why is he still communicating daily? We tell each other about our day when we are not together at work, expressing frustrations about the latest home drama etc. If it’s a game, wouldn’t the end goal be the sexual aspect? Because like I previously mentioned he pulled back from that. Even in the beginning i was the one who initiated and he would always look so guilty.

[Old one]

Lost, as I stated I have changed many years ago, but in response to your question I have to be honest.

 

The game was to groom and take the sex when I decided. The longer I held out and played the sweet guy, was for show. If you think that there was only one person at a time, you are wrong.

 

At my worst there Would be a few that hung on to my last word as I wanted them to believe it wasn’t about sex until I had the opportunity and they fell into the trap I had set.

 

The plan was find the ones in a bad space, relate to them, gain their trust do the deed and continue as long as it was good/ then DUMP them after I used them.

 

Please understand that I have come to terms with the person I was and have made changes in my life.bottom line was that it was a combination of playing the game and eventual sex with the person who was foolish enough to be a victim.

 

I have made my amends with most and no it’s not through anything like therapy, or finding god or self help groups, it was a change I needed to bring myself back to who I was.

 

Don’t get me wrong, there are great guys who seem to do some of the things your AP is doing, but I feel from your writing that it may not be the case.

 

 

 

I apologize for what may seem out there, but again, just my thoughts.

 

As you asked,he keeps daily contact with you because it’s not done yet. You are prime at this point for the deed to be done, if he made the next move to physically having you, you would agree in a heartbeat.

Edited October 13, 2018 by Old one
Addition to post

[GoldenR]

Hi, I take it you are or were a BS? You seem to have so much resentment and thinks of all entanglement as acts of evil. I know majority of it is of that sort, some people just want to have fun and not care about who they hurt. But i have read posts where people leave bad marriages for the other person and ended up happy. It can go either way. I am not saying mine will go that route but I can assure you I did not set out to do something like this. Maybe MM is, he is the only who knows.

 

I’m sorry for whatever happened that brought you this resentment. Not all all OM/OW are evil, not all BS are saints. Some were just vulnerable and lonely and might not have made the best choices in how to deal with it.

 

And yes, i had already agreed to divorce my H as previously posted. I did realize i already left the marriage emotionally even before MM, hence why my heart seemed to have opened up to another person.

 

 

Let's see...

 

Deflect, deflect, deflect...

 

Yep, you've got this wayward thing down pretty good.

 

Just remember, for the rest of your life, like a murderer is always a murderer, even if it was just once when he was young, you will always be a cheater.

 

Unless I missed it, you haven't even told your BH why the D is happening. He's fighting an unknown opponent and doesn't even know it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi, sorry but you must’ve misunderstood. He doesn’t get her to message me in front of wife in a vindictive way. They send me little videos of her day in school or their weekend activities. This is not daily but quite often (a little less now that he’s pulled back). I took it to mean (also that’s what he says but of course you can never really know for sure) that he had no prior intentions with me. Just became close and opened his life up to me. He talks to his brothers about me, they are happy he found someone he connected with. They don’t ask in so many words but they know about his wife’s affair.

 

His daughter mentions about me a lot because she asks to send videos to me and has been asking if she can go with dad to work to meet me or if i can come play with her. She gets lonely being an only child and mom doesn’t really give her attention. After that thing with my husband (when he asked why coworker sent me pictures of him and daughter) he would tell daughter im busy especially when she asks for me on the weekend when i am off work.

 

LostSoul330, do you have any kids? The chances his daughter would be involved in the way you describe are next to none. So if she wasn't pushing this agenda, he was. Ask yourself why.

 

He's leaving because he's gotten what he wanted, flowery words and noble promises aside. Since it now looks like you might really leave your marriage, you've fallen into the "more trouble than it's worth" category. If you pay enough attention to body language and company gossip, you may be able to figure out the next person he will have moved on to.

 

When you're cheating on your marriage, it helps validate your choices by building up the affair so it's the next "big thing" - "we were in love, what could we do?". Unfortunately, you're now finding out what happens when only one of the AP's feels that way. Since you're both lying to your spouses, foolish to believe you're telling each other the truth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Lost, as I stated I have changed many years ago, but in response to your question I have to be honest.

 

The game was to groom and take the sex when I decided. The longer I held out and played the sweet guy, was for show. If you think that there was only one person at a time, you are wrong.

 

At my worst there Would be a few that hung on to my last word as I wanted them to believe it wasn’t about sex until I had the opportunity and they fell into the trap I had set.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575630-shocker-2.html#post6851090

[BaileyB]

He doesn’t get her to message me in front of wife in a vindictive way. They send me little videos of her day in school or their weekend activities. This is not daily but quite often.

 

His daughter mentions about me a lot because she asks to send videos to me and has been asking if she can go with dad to work to meet me or if i can come play with her. She gets lonely being an only child and mom doesn’t really give her attention.

 

I'm sorry, but this is the most ridiculous thing I've read in a long time... It's doubtful that things are as you say they are, but I'll still bite...

 

Between the three of you, there is no good sense here. Seriously, do you not see how totally inappropriate it is for this man to be encouraging his daughter to develop a "friendship" with his affair partner?

 

The fact that you justify this very inappropriate behavior by saying that she "gets lonely because she is an only child and thus, she needs a friend" is ridiculous! You are not her friend. You are not her aunt. You are not her teacher.

 

If her mother is not giving her any attention, then he needs to address that with his wife because this child needs her mother - not an affair partner pretending to be a surrogate mother/friend/companion or whoever else you want to justify it.

 

You need to stop this - it's totally inappropriate and it will be hurtful to this child. If what you say is true, she's already got more than enough to deal with considering the increadibly poor behavior of her parents...

[LostSoul330]

Lost, as I stated I have changed many years ago, but in response to your question I have to be honest.

 

The game was to groom and take the sex when I decided. The longer I held out and played the sweet guy, was for show. If you think that there was only one person at a time, you are wrong.

 

At my worst there Would be a few that hung on to my last word as I wanted them to believe it wasn’t about sex until I had the opportunity and they fell into the trap I had set.

 

The plan was find the ones in a bad space, relate to them, gain their trust do the deed and continue as long as it was good/ then DUMP them after I used them.

 

Please understand that I have come to terms with the person I was and have made changes in my life.bottom line was that it was a combination of playing the game and eventual sex with the person who was foolish enough to be a victim.

 

I have made my amends with most and no it’s not through anything like therapy, or finding god or self help groups, it was a change I needed to bring myself back to who I was.

 

Don’t get me wrong, there are great guys who seem to do some of the things your AP is doing, but I feel from your writing that it may not be the case.

 

 

 

I apologize for what may seem out there, but again, just my thoughts.

 

As you asked,he keeps daily contact with you because it’s not done yet. You are prime at this point for the deed to be done, if he made the next move to physically having you, you would agree in a heartbeat.

 

Thank you for sharing about your past. That’s great you’ve made amends to people who were hurt.

 

I have another coworker just like you. Multiple women, flowery words, smooth talker. He brags about his conquests and has been this way for years. He and MM are so different. I have a close female coworker who’s known MM for probably 10 years and laughs about how shy and socially awkard he is.

 

How does one discern? I know majority are in it for the game, but it’s inpossible to generalize and say ALL OMs are like that. Of course i am hoping mine isn’t but after reading more threads here i am starting to feel a sense of foreboding.

 

I suppose time will tell. I imagine if tables were turned i will be hurt if someone accuses me of playing with their hearts when i had no intentions other than falling emotionally close to the person sincerely.

[FMW]

You are so very deep in denial and fantasy.

 

You will never be able to make a clear and rational decision about your marriage as long as you have ANY contact with this other man that you are so deeply infatuated with.

 

I was an only child, I did not get lonely and need adults to video chat with me. Your involvement in this child's life is just so very inappropriate given your relationship with her father.

 

You only know what he tells you about his marriage and he's almost surely misrepresenting it to a very large degree.

 

I was in a bad marriage and when I realized I was capable of getting involved with another man, one separated from his own wife, I ended my marriage. Not for the other man, but because it was clear my marriage was over.

 

Two years after I became involved with the other man, his wife decided to move back into their marital home with him. He told me it was mostly about money and that she didn't show him much care or concern. Another year later, during which time I was stupidly still involved with him, I saw her for the first time. She was very attentive to him, very much tuned in to him. I felt sick and disgusted with the whole situation.

 

That's how I feel reading your posts OP. I don't want to be mean or harsh, but this is just really messed up. And the fact that his young daughter is part of it all is just beyond words.

 

I know you won't, but you need to stop all contact with this other man beyond a quick hi just to be cordial if necessary at work. No more calls or long conversations.

 

Figure out what you want to do with your marriage AND DO IT. Stop making excuses, stop being a coward.

 

You have the power to take control of your own life and make decisions followed by taking action. That's the only way out of this mess. And yes, it's a mess.

 

If you could follow my personal timeline, the MM I was involved with was separated from his wife for a total of three years before she finally returned to their home, and he continued seeing me for another year before they started publicly acting like a couple again. Don't think the end of your guy's marriage is imminent. You might be very sadly mistaken.

 

Clean up your own mess before helping make someone else's bigger.

 

Again, I know that was all harsh, but you are so very deep in denial that nothing sort of harsh is going to wake you up.

[BaileyB]

I have another coworker just like you. Multiple women, flowery words, smooth talker. He brags about his conquests and has been this way for years. He and MM are so different. I have a close female coworker who’s known MM for probably 10 years and laughs about how shy and socially awkard he is.

 

How does one discern? I know majority are in it for the game, but it’s inpossible to generalize and say ALL OMs are like that. Of course i am hoping mine isn’t.

 

I imagine I will be hurt if someone accuses me of playing with their hearts when I had no intentions other than falling emotionally close to the person sincerely.

 

Finding My Way is so true, you are SO DEEP in denial and fantasy.

 

How do you discern? Is your guy married and engaging in an inappropriate relationship with another woman than his wife - well then darling, he is just like all the others.

 

And so are you. Your only intention is to fall emotionally close with another person, what about your husband? is that not supposed to be his role?

 

If forming another close relationship is your intention, join a knitting club and make some new friends. Or better yet, get a dog. You have no business "falling emotionally close" to another woman's husband.

 

Honestly, its impossible to rationalize with someone who is so irrational in their thinking.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know majority are in it for the game, but it’s inpossible to generalize and say ALL OMs are like that. Of course i am hoping mine isn’t but after reading more threads here i am starting to feel a sense of foreboding.

 

The "game" isn't just about sex, even though "he's only using you for sex" is often used pejoratively in these discussions. He may just need the confidence builder that another woman finds him attractive in order to get the strength to leave his marriage.

 

But either way, having served its purpose, usually means the relationship with the AP has run its course...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Old one]

The "game" isn't just about sex, even though "he's only using you for sex" is often used pejoratively in these discussions. He may just need the confidence builder that another woman finds him attractive in order to get the strength to leave his marriage.

 

But either way, having served its purpose, usually means the relationship with the AP has run its course...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Bang on Mr. Lucky, sex is the end result, but the confidence builder of someone finding you attractive and is willing to go to the length of cheating is a high as well regardless of whether married or single.

[DKT3]

The thing that jumps out at me is a commonality with almost all WWs. The fact that she hasn't made the connection between when the affair stated and when the problems in her marriage started. Her need to rewrite the history says we have had trouble a long time. But her actual timeline she states that her marriage has got worse in the past two years..surprise her affair has been going on for two years.

 

Deep delusions all around with OP. This will end very bad for her.

[LostSoul330]

The thing that jumps out at me is a commonality with almost all WWs. The fact that she hasn't made the connection between when the affair stated and when the problems in her marriage started. Her need to rewrite the history says we have had trouble a long time. But her actual timeline she states that her marriage has got worse in the past two years..surprise her affair has been going on for two years.

 

Deep delusions all around with OP. This will end very bad for her.

 

Hi, just need to point out to straighten the record. Serious issues with marriage began early 2016. Serious talks about divorce mid 2017 (I never ever asked for one but husband did each time we have a big fight, i asked for counseling, time apart, trips together to reconnect and always rebuffed). Began speaking to coworker jan 2018. So yes, issues with marriage began way before getting close to MM. was it right to still get emotionally close while still married? Obviously not. But i just feel i need to point out there is no rewriting of history as i am clearly aware.

 

The fact the i was able to open up my heart to another person confirmed to me that my heart is not in the marriage anymore. I know that doesn’t excuse it but that’s the fact.

[Mr. Lucky]

The fact the i was able to open up my heart to another person confirmed to me that my heart is not in the marriage anymore.

 

Simply not a true statement. Lots of people in committed relationships get distracted by a pretty face, smoothly delivered line and/or the inherent excitement of the limerence of a new and secret relationship.

 

What prevents this isn't a feeling of attachment to our partner, it's a value system we employ as part of commitment and fidelity.

 

I don't have a deep feeling of love and emotional connection to my wife every single day of our 30-year marriage, in fact there's been tough times when the opposite is true. But I also don't use that occasional disconnect as an excuse to cheat, my own standards and beliefs won't allow that to happen.

 

LostSoul330, you've blamed your husband. You've blamed your marriage. I'll suggest neither is responsible for the the emotional "rock/hard place" you're in right now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Hi, just need to point out to straighten the record. Serious issues with marriage began early 2016. Serious talks about divorce mid 2017 (I never ever asked for one but husband did each time we have a big fight, i asked for counseling, time apart, trips together to reconnect and always rebuffed). Began speaking to coworker jan 2018. So yes, issues with marriage began way before getting close to MM. was it right to still get emotionally close while still married? Obviously not. But i just feel i need to point out there is no rewriting of history as i am clearly aware.

 

The fact the i was able to open up my heart to another person confirmed to me that my heart is not in the marriage anymore. I know that doesn’t excuse it but that’s the fact.

 

Yeah but you was already involved with this guy before you made this great discovery of your marriage being beyond repair. You dont see the contradiction in those two statements?

 

what that says is you would not be on the divorce train were it not for you being neck deep in an affair.

 

You want clarity? Tell your husband and his wife about the affair, I promise you it will be cleared up in short order. Either you two will ditch your spouse or the most likely outcome, you will find that YOU will be heading towards a sure divorce MM will be begging his wife to take him back and he will cut you off 100%.

 

Right now, you know the truth, that's why your here. But you still want someone to tell you that you are going about this the right way and mm is being honest. Truthfully, no one really knows. Could be he is being honest most likely he is full of crap. But you already know, that's why you're here.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I'm going to be blunt: you are incredibly naive and this man is taking full advantage of it. This clearly ain't his first rodeo, but he knows it's yours and that works well for him. He knows exactly what to say and how to play his cards to get you hooked and then let you go when you've fulfilled his needs.

 

It is also reprehensible that a child is in the middle of this. It doesn't matter who she thinks you are, friend or otherwise. You should have zero contact and interaction with her. Period. There is simply no justification for what you two are doing to her. Yes, to her.

 

You have no idea what kind of lies this man is spinning to your about his wife and his marriage, as the others have already pointed out. You have no clue if his daughter actually asks for you the way he claims she does. Does she address you by name in these videos? If not, you cannot be sure she even knows who they are intended for. She could think they're for her mother, for all you know. If she does address you by name, double-yuck - see the paragraph above for the reason why.

 

My assumption is that your shy, caring man has pulled back on the physical element because he's getting it elsewhere now. From his wife or from another woman. Him telling you that he's selfless and doing it for you is funny.

 

This is going to blow up in your face so hard if you don't stop immediately. Even if this affair is never exposed, you are in for a world of emotional pain.

[brigit87]

Simply not a true statement. Lots of people in committed relationships get distracted by a pretty face, smoothly delivered line and/or the inherent excitement of the limerence of a new and secret relationship.

 

What prevents this isn't a feeling of attachment to our partner, it's a value system we employ as part of commitment and fidelity.

 

I don't have a deep feeling of love and emotional connection to my wife every single day of our 30-year marriage, in fact there's been tough times when the opposite is true. But I also don't use that occasional disconnect as an excuse to cheat, my own standards and beliefs won't allow that to happen.

 

LostSoul330, you've blamed your husband. You've blamed your marriage. I'll suggest neither is responsible for the the emotional "rock/hard place" you're in right now...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is a great post.

 

In fact, this should be an official quote :"Lots of people in committed relationships get distracted by a pretty face, smoothly delivered line and/or the inherent excitement of the limerence of a new and secret relationship."

 

 

Good job Mr. Lucky.

Edited October 15, 2018 by brigit87

[Starswillshine]

I'll go against the grain here. I don't know that this guy is a pro. I don't think he would get his kid involved if so. That would be too much risk involved.

 

What I think is... this man is extremely weak, super low self esteem. I would say the issues with his wife are extremely exaggerated. They always are. He isn't going to tell you about the good things. You say he contacts you through out the evening, but also you say you have restrictions with him about not contacting you after 5pm. So he cannot be contacting you all evening long. He may, and likely does, have issues in his marriage. Who knows what the real issues are. Maybe she did cheat? If he is so miserable, he has a free pass on divorce, NO ONE would blame him. Even the bible states infidelity as a reason for divorce. What I think is happening, he is struggling either in his marriage or just self esteem and he needed some pick me up. And now he is trying to cut it off without setting you off. Without getting you upset. So you don't blow this all out of the water. Now you pose a risk to him. His marriage. Etc. So he places the blame on you meanwhile making himself seem like the sweet, moral man.

 

Do you really want a man that is so weak that he is completely unhappy with his wife, emotionally divorced, and she cheated AND he still won't leave her?

 

On the flip side, does he want a woman who will cheat when the going gets rough?

 

Get out of your marriage, heal all the hurts, and then put yourself out there in the single market. Even if you both divorce, too much baggage to have a healthy relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'll go against the grain here. I don't know that this guy is a pro. I don't think he would get his kid involved if so. That would be too much risk involved.

 

This is why I wonder how much of what he says about the kid and her alleged interest in OP is true, to be honest.

[Old one]

Lost, have you even met the child? I may have been a POS, but would never involve a child in my game.

 

Elaine, wow so close to my comments, but it shows the mindset of a player.

Thanks for that reveal.

 

Lost, you are in a fog, step back, detach from it, then come back when reality sets in. I don’t mean leave, I meant that strictly in regards to your mindset.

 

I think you are getting some great advice here.

[LostSoul330]

I'll go against the grain here. I don't know that this guy is a pro. I don't think he would get his kid involved if so. That would be too much risk involved.

 

What I think is... this man is extremely weak, super low self esteem. I would say the issues with his wife are extremely exaggerated. They always are. He isn't going to tell you about the good things. You say he contacts you through out the evening, but also you say you have restrictions with him about not contacting you after 5pm. So he cannot be contacting you all evening long. He may, and likely does, have issues in his marriage. Who knows what the real issues are. Maybe she did cheat? If he is so miserable, he has a free pass on divorce, NO ONE would blame him. Even the bible states infidelity as a reason for divorce. What I think is happening, he is struggling either in his marriage or just self esteem and he needed some pick me up. And now he is trying to cut it off without setting you off. Without getting you upset. So you don't blow this all out of the water. Now you pose a risk to him. His marriage. Etc. So he places the blame on you meanwhile making himself seem like the sweet, moral man.

 

Do you really want a man that is so weak that he is completely unhappy with his wife, emotionally divorced, and she cheated AND he still won't leave her?

 

On the flip side, does he want a woman who will cheat when the going gets rough?

 

Get out of your marriage, heal all the hurts, and then put yourself out there in the single market. Even if you both divorce, too much baggage to have a healthy relationship.

 

I think you may have hit the nail on the head. In the very beginning, he would tell me he eats dinner alone after getting off work, his wife is always on phone, his wife is bipolar and erratic, and they don’t really talk etc etc. It seemed like the classic player strategy (yes, i researched) and so i was guarded. As we became closer, i never saw any inconsistencies. We were on the phone when he drove thru pharmacy to pick up her meds when she had a breakdown (about her OM coworker) and i can hear the names of meds he picked up, he tells me when they go travel 6 hours away to for his mom’s birthday, he basically shares about his life even about his wife, even shared pictures of them from the past. Before he told me of her affair, he even mentioned where she worked and later on he showed me pictures of the other guy. If he’s afraid of me going to his wife, i doubt he would even tell me all these information. And why would he risk having his daughter know of me if he had all these player intentions.

 

Yes, to answer question about the child, she addresses me by name and we respond to each other through the videos so anything she says is specific to my questions and vice versa. I have spoken to her a few times on the phone. We would talk while he waits for her in school and she would say hi to me when she gets in the car and we talk about her day.

 

He does admit he has no self-esteem because he grew up so sheltered, family so religious, never went out to parties, dated wife in high school after she sought him out and basically just went on to get married. He said it wasn’t the whole sparkly butterflies love thing in the beginning but they grew to love each other and they were very happy. She became hung up on her partner at her new job 3 years ago and started to change how she dressed, changed her passwords etc etc. He finally saw their messages which confirmed they became physical.

 

It did cross my mind maybe he is just weak. I even mentioned to him how he can let her step all over him. He said he chooses to be kind than be vindictive. That he can’t fault her because she has bipolar and depression and that he had been working nights at that time so they didn’t see each other that often and maybe she was drawn to the coworker instead. At least it was like that in the beginning where he would listen to her and comfort her and chose to be kind to her. After a couple years he also started to withdraw and detached emotionally from her. He said he’s at the point where he’s accepted it and has become numb from it. That he knows they can’t keep living like this. Again, no promises or future faking were made to me. All he says is he cares for me deeply and he found a best friend in me, because he can confide in me and laugh so much and just enjoy life. Maybe I’m the one who is hung up on this idea of me and him because we became physical. Isn’t that sad, it’s almost laughable. At one point he mentioned it’s not like we’re single and can do anything we like. And he knows i will not choose him over my husband because this is not a fairytale. Those two statements made me think that at the very least, being “with me” did cross his mind.

 

The low self esteem is very evident even at work. When he knows exactly what to do he excels but when he is thrown into new tasks he gets very nervous and neurotic. Even he admits to that. He’s always afraid i was just forced to talk to him and questions why i even bother talking to him or spending time with him. What drew me to him was how sensitive he is. Not sensitive-neurotic, but sensitive emotionally. I’ve always had trouble opening up to people, i have a lot of friends but i never let them see me deeper. With him it was different. His sensitive nature lifted up so many of my walls. Like i said, even without the physical aspect we really connect emotionally.

 

I saw he struggled with what we’ve done. He admitted he gave in to his needs as a man. He was so guilty because he knew what it felt like to have his wife fall for another man and he doesn’t want that for me and my husband. He said he cannot believe some man is making his wife happy and suddenly here he is making me happy. I know it sounds so messed up, i guess that’s what happens when emotions are involved.

 

A little part of me is now thinking of trying to step back and give myself some time. I will continue reading the past and new advice here. Maybe it will finally knock some sense into my head. Thank you all for taking the time to reply and for letting me sort my feelings out.

 

I don’t know why I’m drawn to men with low self-esteem. My husband is the same. Maybe i have this complex where i have to “help” them or change them. I just don’t like t when people put themselves down.

Edited October 16, 2018 by LostSoul330

[Colin Grant]

Blame shifting equates to justifications. In the majority of times, it is discovered by the wayward spouse that it was just that, blame-shifting. It feels better and it is soothing on the conscience and moral compass. You're doing some or perhaps a lot of blame-shifting.

 

I don't know you. We will never meet. Your post is one of hundreds I will read, and one that is no different than the hundreds I've already read. In other words, I have no skin in the game, including no resentment for Waywards.

 

After reading hundreds of stories, patterns are so clear that readers can often identify in the first two sentences where the story is going and what the original poster is conveying. Take heed and look deeply within, with courage. Those who don't know you are often the one's who can see it the easiest.

Edited October 16, 2018 by Colin Grant

[brigit87]

I think you may have hit the nail on the head. In the very beginning, he would tell me he eats dinner alone after getting off work, his wife is always on phone, his wife is bipolar and erratic, and they don’t really talk etc etc. It seemed like the classic player strategy (yes, i researched) and so i was guarded. As we became closer, i never saw any inconsistencies. We were on the phone when he drove thru pharmacy to pick up her meds when she had a breakdown (about her OM coworker) and i can hear the names of meds he picked up, he tells me when they go travel 6 hours away to for his mom’s birthday, he basically shares about his life even about his wife, even shared pictures of them from the past. <snip>

 

This sounds so weird. And he shouldn't be disclosing his wife's medication and diagnosis to other people.

Edited October 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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