Trying to Fix My Marriage

[readinglove]

Hello, sorry for the long post. My husband and I met in high school and have now been together 18 years, married 13. We have 2 small children and what I thought was a happy life. Our one issue has always been sex.

 

I’ve always had issues with sex. I want it, but sometimes it gives me anxiety. I suffered from infertility, which made sex difficult for me. It often felt routine while we were trying to have a baby. I felt like less of a woman because my body wasn’t working as it should and it put me off sex. We went through IVF to have our first child. After the birth, sex was so painful. I know I should have gone to the doctor but I’d been poked and prodded so much during a year of infertility treatments that I just keep putting it off. We had sex, but it was painful for me and made him feel guilty. My second pregnancy was miserable. I had terrible morning sickness, then felt huge and uncomfortable. We had sex once during the pregnancy. My plan was to get things back on track after our second kid was born.

 

Two weeks after my second child was born, I noticed things were strange. My husband had been pulling away during the pregnancy. Now he was spending a lot of time with one of our good friends. He lied to me the first time I asked about it, but eventually confessed. They hadn’t done anything physical but had admitted they had feelings for each other. My husband said he didn’t want to leave me for her, but he can’t stop his feelings. I’m still nervous about this, but I believe him when he says he’s leaving her out of things while we try to figure things out.

 

I have pretty much forgiven him for this. I still feel suspicious and am hurt they went behind my back, but I wasn’t giving him what he needed.

 

Things continued to get worse. He said that he had been pushing back his feelings for years and had finally come to the realization that we were not going to have a sex life. He wants it much more frequently and much more passionately. He doesn’t want to divorce, and he says that he loves me but he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore. He feels like they won’t come back.

 

He currently seems to be going through some depression. He’s always been super upbeat, but now he’s down all the time. He says he has trouble caring about anything but our kids.

 

The strange thing is, once this happened a dam broke inside of me. I’ve been doing some soul searching and feel like I’ve come to the root of my sexual issues. I want nothing more than for us to have a healthy sexual relationship. I want him so badly. It’s not just because I almost lost him. I’ve always wanted him, but I just struggled. I know that my timing sucks but I truly do want him. I’m not just trying to hold onto him.

 

I know that I am in the wrong. I’ve told him how I feel and what I want. He’s still struggling with whether he wants to try again or not. He feels like we are not equals in the bedroom and he doesn’t know if he feels comfortable sleeping with me again.

 

We are highly physically compatible. While there have been a lot of issues with me rejecting him or making him feel bad, when the sex was right it was very good. We get along great. We have many similar interests and rarely fight about anything else. I know that if we can get past this, we can have a complete relationship. I consider him to be my soulmate.

 

My question is, how can I convince my husband to try again? Is there any way for that desire to come back for him? I told him that I want to pursue him since he pursued me for so long. But right now, he is so depressed I told him I want to be a friend to him. Still, I want to regain his trust. I want him to see me as his wife again. Am I doing the right thing in giving it some time? Any advice on how to make him desire me again? He says the thought of sex or any affection from me makes him feel anxious, so I can’t really do anything there because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Is there a way to help him get over my rejection and feel like he has control in the bedroom?

 

Also of note, I’m working on getting my physical pain taken care of and am about to see a marriage counselor on my own.

 

I’m desperate to make this work. He’s everything I want and I do not want us to separate or live as roommates any longer.

[S2B]

He's a cheater...who cheated on you!

 

Why did you forgiveso easily when he's had no consequences and isn't making effort to connect with you?

 

He's depressed because he misses his affair person!

 

 

You know how to snap him into reality of what he's done? File for divorce!

 

Ask for everything! Kids, support money, the house and his retirement account!

 

See if he starts being a little more willing to OWN what he did!

 

Stop blaming yourself! You didn't make him cheat!

 

He cheated because he could. Now he's only sorry he got caught.

 

Do NOT take responsibility for his actions!

 

If he was that unhappy he could of told you or filed for divorce... but instead his idea was to make the marriage worse by screwing around with another woman.

 

Be mad! Be damn mad!

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Also of note, I’m working on getting my physical pain taken care of and am about to see a marriage counselor on my own.

 

I’m desperate to make this work. He’s everything I want and I do not want us to separate or live as roommates any longer.

 

I hope this "friend" is out of your lives and social circle.

 

Is there a reason you're seeing a counselor alone, without him? You both need to own your roles in damaging the marriage, a mantle you seem to have adopted solo. So it's hard to see how any change you'd make would be effective when he still has one foot out the door.

 

Unless he participates in recovery, don't like your chances. This isn't something you can fix on your own, regardless of the amount of blame you're willing to accept...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Until he owns his responsibility for cheating, gets rid of all contact with the gal and puts 200% of his energy into you and recovering the marriage - you really have nothing to work with.

 

If he's not doing all this first - there's not one reason to even speak to him.

[readinglove]

Thanks so much for the advice. I don’t think I’ve been clear about a few things.

 

We have had issues long before the affair. I have been manipulative and controlling when it comes to sex, to the point where I have given him a complex. He has been patient with me for many years and put his needs aside for the sake of the marriage. I cannot count the number of times I rejected him or made him feel bad when we had sex.

 

He was already entering a state of depression months before he developed feelings for our friend. He’s genuinely a good guy and is truly remorseful about it. I don’t think he is even interested in pursuing her, I think he’s at his ropes end. He said he’d given up on having an intimate relationship with me because he had tried for so long.

 

I am looking for ways to regain his trust and help him to realize that I am ready for that intimacy.

[Just a Guy]

Hi readinglove, I am really sorry to see you here. Reading your account made me feel really sad for you. One of the reasons is that it may be too little late on your part to try and recover your marriage.To me it appears that your husband has checked out of the marriage and it would take almost a miracle to get him back. S2B has given some really harsh advice in the matter and I think if you were to take her advice you would just convince him to leave which I am sure is something you do not want. As Mr. Lucky mentioned I do hope this 'Friend' of yours is now completely out of the picture. Her presence can only be act as a thorn in your sides. Also, since you mention that your husband seems depressed then is he taking any medication to help counter it? It is good that you are seeing a marriage counsellor. You must discuss your situation threadbare with the counsellor and you must not hesitate in detailing exactly how your actions have contributed to the current state of affairs so that he/she can suggest measures for you to regenerate the spark that seems to have died as far as your husband is concerned.

 

As far as your own strategy is concerned, I would say that since by now you know your husband so well, you should know his soft spots and should try to act on those to rekindle his interest in you. The best would be to plan small date nights with him where the two of you are alone together and can spend time in an intimate manner. This could be some special restaurant or, if you are close to a beach then spend a day at the beach or any other thing that you are certain would put him in a romantic mood. You should use your imagination and intuition to come up with ideas that could really gel with him and get him in a receptive mood. Of course you probably will have to use your sexy wiles to the utmost to get him interested. Everything is up to you and you are the best person to know what to do since you are the one married to him and should be able to read him like a book. Whatever you do I wish you the very best and most importantly, do not lose heart. Warm wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have had issues long before the affair. I have been manipulative and controlling when it comes to sex, to the point where I have given him a complex. He has been patient with me for many years and put his needs aside for the sake of the marriage. I cannot count the number of times I rejected him or made him feel bad when we had sex.

 

Again, you've both done things that have damaged the trust and intimacy necessary to have a healthy marriage. I applaud your willingness to acknowledge your part, now your husband needs to do the same. One person can't fix that which two have torn down.

 

Your best chance is to have the two of you work with an MC to address communication, trust, sex and expectations. Were I you, getting him there would be my focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

There's nothing to do in working on the marriage while he's still interested in his OW.

 

He's focused on her, not you.

 

So until it ends with his OW - it's unfixable.

 

You must be willing to make him think he's losing everything in order to have him realize he's been risking his marriage.

 

See a counselor to help you be strong - if you're fighting for the marriage alone then it's not worth working on it - then admit it's over and can't be saved.

[OwenW72]

Now he was spending a lot of time with one of our good friends. He lied to me the first time I asked about it, but eventually confessed. They hadn’t done anything physical but had admitted they had feelings for each other. My husband said he didn’t want to leave me for her, but he can’t stop his feelings. I’m still nervous about this, but I believe him when he says he’s leaving her out of things while we try to figure things out.

 

I have pretty much forgiven him for this. I still feel suspicious and am hurt they went behind my back, but I wasn’t giving him what he needed.

 

Other than him saying so, what evidence do you have to suggest your husband did not have something physical in his affair? And even if that were true, it would honestly be less damaging to the underlying marriage if he were simply seeking out sex because of an unmet urge. But he sought out a friend and it seems highly likely wanted intimacy, connection, and perhaps love. That is about far more than the quality of sex.

 

And the depression could be many things, and your husband certainly should seek out help. But disconnecting from a partner, meeting and connecting with a new partner, and then having that be uncovered may well play a role. Especially if the underlying feelings that took him there in the first place are still in effect. And if the affair partner is still in the picture that would be amplified, making time with you a toxic mix of guilt and longing for what he imagines he could have. That doesn't go away unless he takes real responsibility and focuses on how he can have what he wants with you.

 

Without him taking responsibility for the affair, and additionally taking concrete steps to be honest with his feelings, there isn't much relationship to save for you two. Doing MC together is critical for creating a space to really hear what is going on, and get help to see if there are two people present to get things on a good track.

 

Good luck, and no matter what future there is for you two, I really hope you both get to MC. It has potential benefit for all family members including your children whether you stay together or divorce.

Edited October 12, 2018 by OwenW72

[OneParadox]

Take the advice here with a grain of salt. Many in here have been horrendously hurt by infidelity and their advice tend to be "drop the cheating bastard ASAP".

 

The most obvious advice should be: go to marriage counseling (both by yourselves, and as a couple).

 

You guys have two little ones and that should always be your priority. Glad you are fessing up to your own rejection of him in the bedroom (being constantly rejected for sex is an very easy way to drive a partner away). And don't pay attention what other people do, or whatever they tell you you should be doing. It is your marriage and your life. Do what you feel you need to do.

[Mrschaney]

Men need sex to feel loved. Im afraid you killed the love he had for you by the behavior over the years. He probably doesnt trust you now when you say you want a sexual relationship. He might feel its all a ruse to keep from getting divorced. Many women refuse husbands sex until he talks divorce and then try to change, but the damage is done. I think you just need to ask him what he wants to do. He may just be waiting for the right time to tell you what he wants.

[Dis]

May I ask how you were manipulative and controlling when you had sex with him?

 

Maybe an example of that, if you don't mind?

 

It's hard to say how he feels about sex without knowing what happened

 

But as other have said, you can't fix this on your own. He needs to do his part too.