working together but against the flow

[Karolen]

So me and my ex-girlfriend broke up after the first month in a new city. We had by then been together for almost 3 years and spent 1 of those years living together. The breakup was a mutual agreement that started of as a casual conversation. They first day was okay, we tried to laugh about it and it felt fine but kind of strange. However. The day after, it hit me hard. I started to regret it a lot. At first I tried to hide it from her as she seemed fine. But one night after she came home from work she caught me crying. Her first thoughts was that something unrelated to the break up had happened, but I explained it to her. She said that it was kind of good to se me cry about it, because she had been crying as well and though I was taking it all to well. But she wanted me to realize that things were gonna be fine and that this was normal when moving on. I didn't want to move on though, not anymore. I started to lose my mind as the next day went on and I knew she was going to a party the coming weekend. I tried to hint about me worrying about another boy but I did it in an insulting way and she found me childish. She went to her party, I noticed that she had turned her snap map off. A week went by and I did not think to much about it. One day when we were at the store I started to talk about a girl I might meet a couple of months in to the future on one of my friend's yearly parties. Then she felt comfortable enough to tell me she had slept over at a boy's apartment. I broke my heart. My mind was worse now than it was before. I told her that I didn't trust her and that she had broken me, and I didn't understand how she could have done such a thing. We had about a week were we argued and yelled and got a lot out of our system, it was a good thing. I then dropped the question about us trying again, and she said we could try. We made out and everything seemed fine. However the next few days I noticed that I was doing all the work and she was kind of forcing herself. I got upset and she felt bad about doing this to me so she broke it off. I felt really sad for about a week, but started to change my life a lot. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, got a job, did almost everything around the house and she said she does not even recognize me anymore and that she was impressed. I went out, bought her flowers she always wanted and asked to start from scratch and take things slow. We've had a really good tone since then. She said a lot of things she should have said a long time ago. I then realized that most of the fault was mine. She felt neglected. I had been a kind and good friend but not acted like a boyfriend. I was afraid of commitment before and we gradually stopped kissing, holding hands and having sex. She saw a future with me, but I always talked about future relationships and moving after this one year. I understand now. She also told me that the thing with the boy was because he gave her attention, it was uncomfortable, she stopped it when he tried to move on from kissing and she would take it back if she could, it was a mistake, and I kind of feel like I deserved it. The sad things is, she only kissed him to see if she would think of me, which she didn't. I was an idiot. But I truly have changed and she knows. I will never take her for granted again, I want her to be my future wife and have my kids. She's told me that she wants to be with me too, more than anything in the world, but her romantic feelings for me are gone. This is not anything she is saying, because I can see she is trying. She says she find me physically attractive and knows I have changed. She knows I will never leave or treat her like the old me would ever again. But she feels a bit uncomfortable kissing me and the thought of sex with me makes her enter panic mode. To be fair though she thinks any intimate contact with any guy is scary, she was like this when I first met her as well. She things spooing and holding her when she sleeps is okay and she made me hold my arms around her on the couch last night. She really wants to be with me but does not feel the need to do things with me and we are trying to carefully push her. As we live together we don't get a break from each other which is everything I want now. she is going on a trip with her mother in a week and is gone for a week. Then she and I agreed that she will live in her friends apartment in late november when her friend is in Africa studying. And then we have christmas break. But these are all short breaks from each other. I want to fight for our potential future and she does too. But I don't know what to do, the feeling of letting her go seems more okay now than ever, but it is still the last resort and not the thing I want. I don't know what the best thing to do is now. My father told me that I should never give up if I loved her. And I have been fighting and I will fight for her until she says we should quit. For now I'm trying to back more off, but please any advice helps a lot. Sorry for the long text.

[shydad]

I don't know what to do, the feeling of letting her go seems more okay now than ever, but it is still the last resort and not the thing I want. I don't know what the best thing to do is now. My father told me that I should never give up if I loved her. And I have been fighting and I will fight for her until she says we should quit. For now I'm trying to back more off, but please any advice helps a lot.

Hi Karolen, I agree with your dad. If you love her, you'll fight for her. There are few things as important in life. Your self improvement is great! Also, that you are taking responsibility seems very mature to me, and helpful when trying to solve problems.

 

This post details the recent problems you've both suffered through but is pretty sparse on the bulk of the relationship. You've been together for three years. Obviously something was working well during that time. What did you do that was working?

 

Some possible next steps:

 

• Decide what you want. Do you want to turn this around? I'm assuming yes.
  
• Talk with her. Ask her what she has been unsatisfied with. Ask questions and listen to the answers. You already know what you think. It's critical to find out what she thinks.
  
• Take some time to mull over the things she tells you, then prepare a game plan of what will change. Tell her the details and ask for input.
  
• I'm thinking there is a pretty desperate need for deep communication. If you're serious, it's time to man-up and go to couple's counseling. Do what the counselor says.
  

I'm sure I'm missing a few things here. Hopefully some of the more seasoned members will jump in.

 

What do you think, Karolen, do you want to try to salvage this?