DontBreakEven Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 After 2 years of being single, and a couple small attempts at dating, I finally have found myself in a situation where I have been dating someone that I would want a future with ... and I can't handle it. As soon as my emotions really kicked in (a couple days ago after our most recent visit), I've been on a downward spiral. I really like this girl. We are a distance deal and she naturally takes things slow as molasses, but I don't, usually. I've been trying to keep it light and just spend time getting to know her, and I've been okay at it for about 2 months. Now I'm starting to feel the emotion, however, and I'm spiraling downward because of it. Mostly because she and I haven't discussed any emotions ... I don't even know what she's feeling, though I don't feel like she's where I'm at, therefore I don't want to bring it up. I don't really know what to do. I'm super anxious, and a big part of me just wants to run in the complete opposite direction now because I'm scared. My first inclination is to pull back. Simply because I feel like I'm feeling more for her than she is for me now, and I don't want that, or to show that. Not sure if that's the right way to go about it? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 have you two slept together yet?? Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 After 2 years of being single, and a couple small attempts at dating, I finally have found myself in a situation where I have been dating someone that I would want a future with ... and I can't handle it. As soon as my emotions really kicked in (a couple days ago after our most recent visit), I've been on a downward spiral. You are coming from a place of neediness, desperation, and fear. I can't really deal with one this generalized with just using forum messages. If we were talking about specific behavors then I could tell you stop doing this, stop doing that, and stop doing that over there,....and do this instead. But this is too generalized. I recommend a guy's book, and do it so often that it probably should just be in my tag line at the bottom and I should start charging him a fee. But you should get Corey Wayne's book, "How to be a 3% Man",...and then you need to start doing some self improvement with what you learn in the book. Otherwise, I'll have to get out a clipboard and you'll have to lay on the couch and begin with your childhood. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Who's doing the driving/traveling? If she comes to you, she is invested. No woman would do that without some emotional attachment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 have you two slept together yet?? Yes, many times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Who's doing the driving/traveling? If she comes to you, she is invested. No woman would do that without some emotional attachment. First we met halfway, then she came to me, then I came to her. It was this last trip when I came to her ... after I left my feelings really started to show up. And I feel like she is now pulling back. Not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 To be desirable is to be less available...this is why you are going off the charts with this girl. It's the distance, and slow moving as molasses. it's almost experiencing something you can't have, so it causes more anxiety. You obviously want her to be as passionate and excited as you are about her. I think she is holding her cards close to her chest and is waiting for you to show your intentions clearly. She doesn't want to risk getting hurt. Ya gotta take the risk, and express your interest through communication, and physically. Step it up a notch. If you wait too long she's the one that's going to run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 To be desirable is to be less available...this is why you are going off the charts with this girl. It's the distance, and slow moving as molasses. it's almost experiencing something you can't have, so it causes more anxiety. You obviously want her to be as passionate and excited as you are about her. I think she is holding her cards close to her chest and is waiting for you to show your intentions clearly. She doesn't want to risk getting hurt. Ya gotta take the risk, and express your interest through communication, and physically. Step it up a notch. If you wait too long she's the one that's going to run. See I completely disagree. I think she would run if I stepped it up. She's very comfortable with the distance and taking it slow - SHE's the one setting that pace, and I've been going with it, allowing her to show me more as she goes along. The problem is, I feel like it was progressing and she was showing me more. Until this last visit. I left and she's been more distant than typical. I think the LAST thing I should do now is go after her, when she seems to be pulling back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Idk. I guess I should update this thread to say that I'm unsure if I'm having fear because I'm starting to really feel something, or because I feel like she is pulling away now after our last visit ... not sure. Or maybe a combination of both? All I know is that it feels terrible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Idk. I guess I should update this thread to say that I'm unsure if I'm having fear because I'm starting to really feel something, or because I feel like she is pulling away now after our last visit ... not sure. Or maybe a combination of both? All I know is that it feels terrible. I think she is pulling back because you are showing too many "feelings". You are scaring her away. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 After 2 years of being single, and a couple small attempts at dating, I finally have found myself in a situation where I have been dating someone that I would want a future with ... and I can't handle it. As soon as my emotions really kicked in (a couple days ago after our most recent visit), I've been on a downward spiral. I really like this girl. We are a distance deal and she naturally takes things slow as molasses, but I don't, usually. I've been trying to keep it light and just spend time getting to know her, and I've been okay at it for about 2 months. Now I'm starting to feel the emotion, however, and I'm spiraling downward because of it. Mostly because she and I haven't discussed any emotions ... I don't even know what she's feeling, though I don't feel like she's where I'm at, therefore I don't want to bring it up. I don't really know what to do. I'm super anxious, and a big part of me just wants to run in the complete opposite direction now because I'm scared. My first inclination is to pull back. Simply because I feel like I'm feeling more for her than she is for me now, and I don't want that, or to show that. Not sure if that's the right way to go about it? You need to speak up and tell her you like her as more than just someone to hang out with. Or you can wrap yourself up with this self torturing, keeping things to yourself and ruining a good shot of getting what you want. Decide which is more important and act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 See I completely disagree. I think she would run if I stepped it up. If she runs, then she runs and she was never going to be the sort of girl you need if she does that, right? So, no harm no foul. But as it stands, unless that sentence starts with "she will run" instead of "I think...", you don't know what she will do because you don't know her well enough to say what she will do. You're projecting either what you would do or what you wished she would do so you can be right. You can be right and be alone. She's very comfortable with the distance and taking it slow - SHE's the one setting that pace, and I've been going with it, allowing her to show me more as she goes along. The problem is, I feel like it was progressing and she was showing me more. Until this last visit. I left and she's been more distant than typical. I think the LAST thing I should do now is go after her, when she seems to be pulling back. Then don't. Act disinterested and watch her fade even further from view. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 I think she is pulling back because you are showing too many "feelings". You are scaring her away. yeah, don't show any emotions or feelings. at least not now. be stoic Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 See I completely disagree. I think she would run if I stepped it up. She's very comfortable with the distance and taking it slow - SHE's the one setting that pace, and I've been going with it, allowing her to show me more as she goes along. The problem is, I feel like it was progressing and she was showing me more. Until this last visit. I left and she's been more distant than typical. I think the LAST thing I should do now is go after her, when she seems to be pulling back. You don't know what she is thinking, you are only assuming based on your reaction to her behavior. How she is feeling may or may not surprise you. I agree with the other poster...if she runs let her run. It just proves she ain't all that into you to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Lol, half the gang is telling me to not show too much so as not to scare her, and the other half is telling me to be upfront and let her know how I'm feeling. Ugh. I'm just trying to go with her flow. She hasn't let me know how she feels either. But. Lemme just add in here - she is 1400 miles away. So, I guess the fact that she's even texting me at all is a decent sign that she must feel SOMETHING ... otherwise why are we even bothering. Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Lol, half the gang is telling me to not show too much so as not to scare her, and the other half is telling me to be upfront and let her know how I'm feeling. Ugh. I'm just trying to go with her flow. She hasn't let me know how she feels either. But. Lemme just add in here - she is 1400 miles away. So, I guess the fact that she's even texting me at all is a decent sign that she must feel SOMETHING ... otherwise why are we even bothering. Find a good balance of both. Let her know that you like her but don’t come off like this post reads (you freaking out). What has she done to make you feel she is pulling away? Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Lol, half the gang is telling me to not show too much so as not to scare her, and the other half is telling me to be upfront and let her know how I'm feeling. Ugh. It is always like that here. But it is better than fighting amongst ourselves. We give our ideas,...and let the "buyer decide". That is all we can do other than fight over it. But then there are times we mostly agree too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 Find a good balance of both. Let her know that you like her but don’t come off like this post reads (you freaking out). What has she done to make you feel she is pulling away? I guess each time we've seen each other up until now, I've felt like she's started acting more and more interested after it was over. Now, idk. Since I left from visiting her, she's just been distant. She's still texting me, but not as much and the content I guess has yet to be flirty. Maybe she's just super busy catching up on everything she couldn't do while I was in town. It's very possible. And maybe I'm just being more sensitive to things because I'm actually starting to have real feelings. Not sure. I DEFINITELY will NEVER let her know I've been freaking out. No way. I feel like my texts to her should let her know that I like her, rather than just coming out and saying what I'm feeling. I would very much think she knows that I'm into her at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Lol, half the gang is telling me to not show too much so as not to scare her, and the other half is telling me to be upfront and let her know how I'm feeling. Ugh.. Freaking her out is not the object of those of us who are telling you to own your voice and speak up for what you want. I DEFINITELY will NEVER let her know I've been freaking out. No way. If you can't tell her that you'd like more than hanging out with her without freaking out, then you are probably not ready to get into any sort of relationship with any woman. You have to be able to speak for what you want and you have to know what you want and not waste people's time being too scared to speak up for yourself--that's not an attractive quality. I feel like my texts to her should let her know that I like her Translation: she should read my mind without me having to tell her or take ownership of what I want from this. She's not going to read your mind. She is going to come to conclusions about you based upon how far afield what you say is to what you do/how you act. You are headed towards an avoidable train wreck with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 You should have a talk with her, but not spilling your guts out about your feelings. Rationally bring up the subject of the distance. Obviously, with that kind of distance, you only continue if you have a strong connection. So now it's time to bring it up and discuss the distance problem as adults. Through that discussion, her feelings will be revealed. If she is indeed giving up then she'll take the opportunity to say the distance is too much for her. If she wants to continue, she'll say she thinks this is worth a try. Then you discuss how to do this while maintaining good communication. Sometimes you have to just ask for what you want. It's not an emotional thing. It's not vulnerability to tell her what you want her to do. It's only bad when you get upset. If she likes you, and what you're asking is not unreasonable, she'll do it. Give instructions without being emotional. Link to post Share on other sites
Larry56 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Dude...Sorry to hear about this. But for future...Don't bother with this nonsense long distance relationship nonsense. It's always a terrible deal for men. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 OP is, I believe, a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 OP is, I believe, a woman. OP is keen on a girl. Could be a lesbian I guess, but more likely to be male Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I hope you are not saying to this woman (whoever she is) that you don't want to get married that you don't want this or that or whatever else, because there is nothing more horrifying that hearing that from a man. But with that being said ... You may have been burned in the past (who hasn't) but that should not stop you from achieving happiness. In order to have this happiness, you have to take a risk and say "This is what I will do by committing to (name)". If not, you'll be back to Square 1 and a few months will go by and you will be sad thinking "Wow, I really missed out on it with her". So take that chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 OP is keen on a girl. Could be a lesbian I guess, but more likely to be male Her posting history says otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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