Not Sure I can Emotionally Handle Dating Anymore

[norudder]

Maybe I missed it but how long have you been dating her? Just the 2 months you mentioned?

 

How much in person?

 

Kinda early to be expressing intense feelings imo. I get the ldr aspect makes it seem necessary to up the ante, but you can express continued interest without diving in the deep end. Especially if you feel she's still wading tentatively in the shallows.

 

Let her know it's safe to come to you (emotionally), that you're there, and aren't going to push or pull her further than she's ready for. Give her a chance to catch up.

[DontBreakEven]

Maybe I missed it but how long have you been dating her? Just the 2 months you mentioned?

 

How much in person?

 

Kinda early to be expressing intense feelings imo. I get the ldr aspect makes it seem necessary to up the ante, but you can express continued interest without diving in the deep end. Especially if you feel she's still wading tentatively in the shallows.

 

Let her know it's safe to come to you (emotionally), that you're there, and aren't going to push or pull her further than she's ready for. Give her a chance to catch up.

 

So yes, it’s been two months. First there was a meetup in person. Then she came to visit me for 3 days. Then I came to visit her for 4 days. So all in all about a week straight of in-person time, at each other’s houses.

 

I don’t want to express intense feelings. Not at all. I just want to know where her head is at. After she visited me, things seemed to progress, but after I visited her, I feel like things have either taken a standstill, or even gone backwards a bit. It’s only been a couple days, but she just isn’t really communicating with me quite the same (flirty like she was after she visited me). So, I’m unsure what’s going on. Maybe it’s all in my head, but I assumed with each visit we would kinda progress even further as far as closeness. Doesn’t seem to be the case this time around, and it’s making me sad for sure. I don’t know that I want to feel in this limbo for months on end. It’s affecting me. If I had felt like things were continuing to progress I wouldn’t feel the need to say anything, but I feel otherwise.

 

We haven’t even touched upon when either one of us will visit next. I mean. We are still communicating, it just feels different for some reason, and so I’m kinda wanting to find out where she’s at, so that I can either calm myself down, or stop investing time and money into this.

 

And to those who say distance isn’t worth it - I’m not really interested in that advice. It is what it is.

 

And yes, I’m also a woman.

[norudder]

Pulling back before getting closer is what some people do, not everyone is steady momentum forward. Could be her attachment style.

 

Could be she's doing her own processing about time and money to continue. Especially now that you've both been to each other's homes. Seems like a logical waypoint.

 

If you were to ask "hey, we've each seen each other in different elements, was there one or the other you felt more comfortable with?" You think that would have her bolt or open up the opportunity in conversation if she's interested in visiting again?

[Chilli]

If she runs, then she runs and she was never going to be the sort of girl you need if she does that, right? So, no harm no foul. But as it stands, unless that sentence starts with "she will run" instead of "I think...", you don't know what she will do because you don't know her well enough to say what she will do. You're projecting either what you would do or what you wished she would do so you can be right.

 

You can be right and be alone.

 

 

 

Then don't. Act disinterested and watch her fade even further from view.

 

 

Yep second all this.

You act disinterested now and you'll lose her.

It's hard to say what's up , maybe the last visit was a turning point something off for her , or maybe she got weird vibes from you and she's stepping back with caution , or uncertainty or God knows what , or maybe she's been reading all the internet bs too and is trying to seem aloof or some shyt.

But don't act anything , wtf place does acting have in any real relationship it's bs, be who you are and up front , exactly as K has said , and if that loses her then she was never yours anyway but at least you can rest easy that you've been true to yourself and found out just what this was made of.

 

Butttt , l do get the anxiety all the same, it is scary stuff , no doubt about it. But she should understand if she's really in this with you. She may even have it herself , but you won't know playing games.

Good luck.

[Larry56]

Hmmm. Ask yourself. What do you really like about her? I mean apart from the emotional connection. What features do you really really like about her?

[Logo]

Every person has his or her approach to dating.

 

 

Now, during those two months, you've seen each other twice. You've talked a lot on the phone, I assume, and you've texted a lot. So you've connected.

 

 

At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself, what do you want?

 

If you feel that she's pulled away since your visit, then maybe you're right. Trust your intuition on this. Don't convince yourself that you're imagining things.

 

So if you want a relationship with her, then tell her that you like her and go from there.

 

Like others have said, it's possible that she's thinking about the long distance and that's the reason behind her pulling back.

 

Would you rather tell her how you feel and pull her back into the 'relationship' or have regrets a few months down the road because you didn't say anything to her?

 

If she knows that you're serious about this, she might reciprocate. If she freaks out, then you'll know it's not the relationship you're after. Even if she did stay, then you'll be miserable because you'll be in a relationship that doesn't meet your emotional needs.

 

During the past two months, has she opened up to you about personal things? Have you opened up to her?

 

Talk to her and see where she stands. Choose your words carefully and don't spill your guts, emotionally.

 

Don't put yourself in a position where sometime in the future you'll think, "I wish I had said ________ to her and told her how I felt."

 

Also, maybe it's time for YOU to think about this relationship. If the distance is putting so much pressure on you, then maybe it's not a good idea to continue. Maybe. I don't know. So think about that, too.

 

The fact that she's been setting the pace shows that you're more concerned with making things work, than being concerned with what YOU want.

 

At least, that's my opinion.

[DontBreakEven]

 

The fact that she's been setting the pace shows that you're more concerned with making things work, than being concerned with what YOU want.

 

At least, that's my opinion.

 

Definitely a true statement there. Sad, but true.

 

During the past two months, has she opened up to you about personal things? Have you opened up to her?

 

She has opened up to me over the past two months about a TON of stuff, but oddly enough, for as much deep communication we have about literally everything about ourselves and our pasts, we don't talk deeply about US. In fact, the things about US seem to be completely glossed over. And I don't know why. I know on my end it hasn't been brought up because for whatever reason I don't feel like I have the safety to bring it up.

 

I did bring up the distance while I was there. Wanted to see how it was going for her. And she actually said it was going well. That she doesn't feel the need to see her person often, and she thinks we are on the same pace as we would be if I were local, because she said if I were local she wouldn't be spending 4 days in a row with me. That essentially the amount of time we've spent has been what it would've been, just in chunks. She said it works well for her, and that she doesn't mean this in a mean way, but she will be okay once I leave. She said she could probably do a marriage long distance, even. She just really values her alone time, but she said she is constantly thinking about her person and "carries them with her" wherever she is. Must be nice ...

 

And, that goes right into me kinda ignoring what I want. I actually don't want a relationship where we are okay with going weeks at a time without each other. I mean, I would deal with it if I had to for a bit due to distance, but it's in no way ideal. For her, she's saying it's almost ideal.

 

So anyway, that's about as far as we got with discussing our situation. Mostly because she expressed being totally fine with it, and so that was that.

[RedHead5]

Good possibility that she could be feeling the same as you, freaking out. Sounds like she is either emotionally unavailable and/or an introvert comfortable in her own skin. (I relate to both lol)

 

She could be pulling back because she is having feelings or testing the waters to make sure you aren't going to try to make her the center of her world and smother her.

 

Just stay the course, don't change what you were doing to begin with. Stay steady and consistent.

 

It will grow or it will fade.

 

If it doesn't grow into what you want in a relationship, then tell her that it is not enough for you and let her decide if she can give more.

[elaine567]

I actually don't want a relationship where we are okay with going weeks at a time without each other. I mean, I would deal with it if I had to for a bit due to distance, but it's in no way ideal. For her, she's saying it's almost ideal.

 

This sounds to me like a major incompatibility.

[DontBreakEven]

Good possibility that she could be feeling the same as you, freaking out. Sounds like she is either emotionally unavailable and/or an introvert comfortable in her own skin. (I relate to both lol)

 

She could be pulling back because she is having feelings or testing the waters to make sure you aren't going to try to make her the center of her world and smother her.

 

I really wish I just knew. My anxiety is making me look at it all differently, and I hate that. I really wish I knew what she was feeling and how she wants to handle it. I'm afraid to even bring it up, so I've been pulling back myself, because I literally do not know what to do.

[Rockett]

I really wish I just knew. My anxiety is making me look at it all differently, and I hate that. I really wish I knew what she was feeling and how she wants to handle it. I'm afraid to even bring it up, so I've been pulling back myself, because I literally do not know what to do.

 

 

I hear you. I am in a sort-of long-distance situation (though I'm told it's just "geographically undesirable," 3 hours away by car). I really feel for you going through anxiety, especially at a distance. I had an episode of what you're describing earlier this week, where I let my anxiety take over, and it lead to quite an unpleasant conversation between me and the person I'm seeing.

 

 

 

If I could give you any advice for right now, it would be to see if you can slow down your desire to act on your anxiety, and reflect (journaling, talking to friends etc) on where YOU are at in all of this. I think the observation that she's more ok with distance in the long run, and you are not, is an important place to start. See if you can sketch out exactly what you are looking for (distance-wise, # of visits, amount of interaction with her, how many times per day/week). Ask yourself why you want those things at this moment: to build the connection? For reassurance?

 

 

For me it was reassurance. After realizing that (in a messy way that I hope you won't have to go through!), I understood that I was projecting my anxiety about other parts of my life onto my dating partner. For me it was that I am not yet established in my career, and I was looking for something/someone to ground me. But really, dating at the stage you and I are at is full of ambiguity, and this can be really rough on anxiety.

 

 

Remember also that "anxiety is a state in search of a home." The important thing is to address the anxiety, not to get others to relieve us of our own suffering. That's not to say you shouldn't have a conversation about what each of you is looking for (at some calmer point), but that I'm concerned you might regret it if you have the conversation from a place of anxiety, rather than from a place of calmer confidence that you are a catch and are looking for a good partner.

[DontBreakEven]

Remember also that "anxiety is a state in search of a home." The important thing is to address the anxiety, not to get others to relieve us of our own suffering. That's not to say you shouldn't have a conversation about what each of you is looking for (at some calmer point), but that I'm concerned you might regret it if you have the conversation from a place of anxiety, rather than from a place of calmer confidence that you are a catch and are looking for a good partner.

 

Thank you for this.

 

I hope to get to that place of calm by tomorrow. I finally realized that this is eating me inside right now knowing something feels off, and since she and I only really text when we don't see each other, I decided to just propose to speak to her on the phone or FaceTime tomorrow. Just framed it saying that it'd be nice to have some real conversation. And she quickly agreed.

 

So, although I still feel like she has agreed because she wants out, and we need to discuss that, at least we will be having the conversation.

 

I DO feel like I'm a catch and I AM looking for a good partner -- not one who will switch her feelings towards me so quickly. It's like, I feel like I give potential partners a lot of leeway to just be human. These days, I feel like people are constantly picking me apart. It sucks. I don't know what could've possibly gone so wrong on the last visit, but it is what it is. At least now we will be able to discuss it in a civil way, and not this text messaging sh*t.

 

Going to try to really calm myself between now and then. Sucks though. Sucks this is happening. I was so hopeful, as before the last trip things were going so well.

[Rockett]

Thank you for this.

 

I hope to get to that place of calm by tomorrow. I finally realized that this is eating me inside right now knowing something feels off, and since she and I only really text when we don't see each other, I decided to just propose to speak to her on the phone or FaceTime tomorrow. Just framed it saying that it'd be nice to have some real conversation. And she quickly agreed.

 

So, although I still feel like she has agreed because she wants out, and we need to discuss that, at least we will be having the conversation.

 

I DO feel like I'm a catch and I AM looking for a good partner -- not one who will switch her feelings towards me so quickly. It's like, I feel like I give potential partners a lot of leeway to just be human. These days, I feel like people are constantly picking me apart. It sucks. I don't know what could've possibly gone so wrong on the last visit, but it is what it is. At least now we will be able to discuss it in a civil way, and not this text messaging sh*t.

 

Going to try to really calm myself between now and then. Sucks though. Sucks this is happening. I was so hopeful, as before the last trip things were going so well.

 

 

It can be really hard to talk about where things stand, but it's really important (as you know of course!). I think it's a great idea to do facetime. So much information is lost over text.

 

 

 

I know what you mean when you say you have a sense that something is wrong, but try to ask open-ended questions like "how have the last few weeks/days been for you?" rather than showing right off the bat that you think something is wrong. I'm not trying to be a pollyanna, something could very well be off, but at this point you do not know for sure if that's 100% true, or what that "thing" is. It could be any number of things going on in her life, and it may or may not have to do with your relationship. It's always best to keep an open mind and let the other person tell you (when you ask) what's going on. I say this from my own missteps where I assume I know what they're thinking and feeling, and I really only have part of the picture.

 

 

 

Stay strong! And lean on family and friends. Hugs

[DontBreakEven]

I

I know what you mean when you say you have a sense that something is wrong, but try to ask open-ended questions like "how have the last few weeks/days been for you?" rather than showing right off the bat that you think something is wrong. I'm not trying to be a pollyanna, something could very well be off, but at this point you do not know for sure if that's 100% true, or what that "thing" is. It could be any number of things going on in her life, and it may or may not have to do with your relationship. It's always best to keep an open mind and let the other person tell you (when you ask) what's going on. I say this from my own missteps where I assume I know what they're thinking and feeling, and I really only have part of the picture.

 

Ya know that's a really good point. Part of my anxiety over this conversation is not knowing how to bring it up. And you're right, it's probably not a great move to act like something is wrong and immediately put her on the defense or put words/thoughts/emotions into her mouth. I'd rather just hear how she is feeling about it ... I'm pretty sure I will be able to easily gauge if there's something bad just from her response to any open-ended questions.

 

Just not sure if I should ask (as my friends have advised) if she sees this going somewhere, or how I should phrase it.

 

I think, there IS something wrong, that it's kind chicken sh*t that it's ME that is asking for conversation and to discuss it. Like, what was she planning to do? Just continue this shallow texting nonsense indefinitely?

[FMW]

You're getting the "be cool" advice from guys and the "step up" advice from women. So take that for whatever it's worth

 

She wouldn't still be in contact with you for two months if she wasn't interested. It's normal for people to have different levels of emotional involvement in the beginning so there's no reason to get too bothered by that yet.

 

If you really want to continue seeing her you probably will just have to take a chance and make your interest clear (that doesn't mean being super mushy or texting her constantly). If that pushes her away then she was going to be gone soon anyway and better to know now than waste more time.

[DontBreakEven]

Well, it was no more than a five minute phone call to tell me that her ex sent her an email the day after I left —- the email she “always knew was coming”. Cool. She got it.

 

Ex is trying to get her back. She says she’s not going back, but she is also not remotely over it. So. That’s that. I didn’t really even say anything. She matter-of-factly told me the facts and let me know that if I want to maintain friendship in the future, she will leave that decision up to me.

 

Awesome.

[FMW]

Sorry to hear that. Now you know, so you can work on moving on. I wouldn't try to keep a friendship with her, that will slow you down if not completely stop you from meeting someone else.

[elaine567]

Your gut was screaming at you that something was off.

Your gut was right...

Best to go find someone nearer to home, LDRS rarely work out.

[DontBreakEven]

Sorry to hear that. Now you know, so you can work on moving on. I wouldn't try to keep a friendship with her, that will slow you down if not completely stop you from meeting someone else.

 

No way am I keeping a friendship with her. I want so far away from her I can’t even stand it. For the first time ever, I deleted her from EVERYTHING.

 

Two months and distance trips and and days after I leave she drops me on my head with not even a standard “you’re amazing, I’m just not ready”? No. Nothing. Cold cold cold. Four minutes, matter-of-fact, that was that. Unreal.

[Chilli]

damn , sorry to hear that.

lf it's any consolation though what seemed like coldness was probably just more like she was actually wrestling with herself .

Ex stuff is very hard and confusing shyt try not to take it personally.

 

New horizons .

[DontBreakEven]

damn , sorry to hear that.

lf it's any consolation though what seemed like coldness was probably just more like she was actually wrestling with herself .

Ex stuff is very hard and confusing shyt try not to take it personally.

 

New horizons .

 

Thank you, I appreciate it. It’s really hard not to take personally and wonder why I couldn’t have been more of an influence for her. Or at least not someone she’d be able to give up that easily.. I’m just a little blindsided because it’s been over a year since they broke up. Yes, she talked about the ex way too much when we did actually hang out, and that started to become more of an obvious flag, but in the beginning I had no idea since it had been so long, ya know?

 

I really for some reason didn’t think that would be the problem. I don’t know. Just hurts to go from talking everyday to strangers.