InvisibleLady Posted October 15, 2018 Share Posted October 15, 2018 Just being able to discuss this is a huge plus since I have no one in real life I can talk to about this. I am in the same situation. No one knows. I went to one IC session (man, these things sure F you up!) a week ago and I didn't feel she was the one for me. I need to try another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 15, 2018 Author Share Posted October 15, 2018 I am in the same situation. No one knows. I went to one IC session (man, these things sure F you up!) a week ago and I didn't feel she was the one for me. I need to try another. I read your story. I think you are much stronger than me. J wish he had never told me he loved me and we had kept our friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 I read your story. I think you are much stronger than me. J wish he had never told me he loved me and we had kept our friendship. No, I am not any stronger than you. I am STILL struggling a year later with all of this. I can tell you with time and NC you WILL feel stronger. The LC I maintained with xMM hindered the process. That anticipation for any breadcrumbs I could get was still there. And I still want to hear from him, but that is just my ego. He has nothing new to say. But...like you, I have a lot of pride. I won't chase him (or any man) and give him the ego boost at the expense of my dignity. He's not all that. He never was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 My insurance will cover 6 sessions of counseling free and unlimited telephone counseling. I have never seen a counselor before. Anyone have any recommendations or suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 18, 2018 Author Share Posted October 18, 2018 Last night I broke down and told a mutual friend I can trust. I received no judgement from her. Actually she said she knew all along we were in love with each other. I feel so much better having spoken about it. I always knew he was beaten down by his wife. I guess I hoped that my loving him would make him strong enough to actually take action and do what he really wants to do. I feel sorry for him actually, that he is a weak weak man who won't try to be happy. Now I have to get over him. Get over the affair. Make my peace with what I did. Try to work on myself and make decisions about myself and my life for me. I know it will be a process. I know I will still feel sad. Some days will be so hurtful that I will cry and cry and cry. But today I haven't cried and haven't had to fight the urge. This moment is good and I have to enjoy it. This is the first step to recovering. Maybe the first glimpse of a tiny glimmer of light for me. Maybe it's the antidepressants lol. I will take what I can get. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 My insurance will cover 6 sessions of counseling free and unlimited telephone counseling. I have never seen a counselor before. Anyone have any recommendations or suggestions? IME, the best shots are referrals from trusted friends or medical professionals. Brain professional MD's often work in concert with clinical psychologists and can be a good source of referral. Since you're on anti-depressants, someone has evaluated you. Ask them for a referral. If you're going to IC, be aware a professional IC will work your tasks without regard to other considerations. In that vein, your marriage, if not part of the task, will be irrelevant to them. They work to assist you in your personal goals. Interview a prospective counselor with a list of personal goals. Watch how they interact with you and address those goals. Ask them for a plan of action. Listen. If you feel the fit is good, make another appointment. If not, be honest with them. They deal with that all the time. Most will have a good idea of fit and can offer a referral. What are your goals for counseling? How will you prioritize them? Back when I went to MC, we did weekly sessions for 14 months with a couple of short breaks. Cost me about five grand. Best money I ever spent. Saved ten times that in lawyer fees in the D and learned a bunch of stuff to boot. Don't bother with MC unless you're willing to discuss your A openly with your H in there. It's a waste of time otherwise. ExW and worked my EA openly. We had a real pro for a psychologist. Yes, the marriage didn't survive but it ended for the right reasons and without a war and we both moved on. Your result will be unique to you. Please honor your H by being straight with him if you choose to get counseling to recover/improve the M. He deserves that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 18, 2018 Author Share Posted October 18, 2018 At this point I am unsure about MC. I think I need to work on myself for a bit before I make any decisions about my marriage. And I am in no way prepared to deal with the fallout of him knowing about the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 18, 2018 Author Share Posted October 18, 2018 I am aware I am rolling the dice here and affair partner's wife might tell my husband. She hasn't yet but things change and it's a risk. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 Opinion varies on discovery versus disclosure but IMO handling a disclosure in front of neutral third party is about as good as it gets. Everyone is safe, there's accountability and a practiced professional can mediate. In our case my exW was disclosed long before MC began. She suggested it, I agreed and I paid for it. As a anecdote, and I can't be sure since I'm not a mind-reader but did see evidence over decades to support the assertion, one MW contacted me out of the blue a couple years after our interaction ended 'because her IC told her to'. At the time I thought that might be a lie but over the next 20 years or so I came to see that part of her story as authentic. Evidently she had shared stuff about our association with the IC and the content led the IC to that suggestion. That's one example, if true, of an IC working ostensibly contrary to the health of a marriage while focusing on the goals/tasks of the individual. At the time, while I certainly was shocked and surprised to see her again, pleasantly, I suggested she find a different IC. At that point I'd become more marriage-centric so was advocating more for focus on the marriage or divorce. That all occurred long before the internet and discussion forums like this. Back then, people in my demographic didn't even consider what an EA was. It was PIV or nothing. The definition of affairs was quite different than it is now. That also might have figured into the IC's suggestion if she'd told the lady we'd never had sex. No sex? Just a friend look him up! Possible. IDK. If you had a PA and get a D-day (discovery, like MM's wife disclosing), prognosis is rough IME. Don't know any of those that survived. Guys generally don't like their wives banging other guys. The picture show in their brain (you gotta be a guy to understand this) just goes red. Also, most guys won't believe their wives only had an EA without a PA. This is covered on this forum as 'trickle truth'. It's impossible to prove a sexually active adult didn't have sex, that old proving a negative thing. It comes down to what they believe and trust. Affairs pretty much destroy trust. It can be rebuilt but takes a lot of time and work. Sorry for the long wind..... start with the IC and see how it goes. One day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 18, 2018 Author Share Posted October 18, 2018 Your thoughts are quite welcome. My husband is very jealous and very possessive. As a matter of fact, most of our nearly 2 decade marriage I have been accused of cheating. Wrongfully. While I did not have intercourse in this affair that is not to say that other sexual activities did not occur. And I KNOW my husband would not be able to cope with this, despite his own affair early on in our marriage. My affair partner and his wife went through marriage counseling after he took her back after she left him and the children for two years and had a long term affair she still denies. I say this because I imagine after d day and the resulting call that broke us off with the "we are going to try to work things out on our end" I suppose they are back to MC again. And so i suppose the wife could at some point decide to contact my husband. I actually thought on d day I would arrive home to find out she already had. I know her personally and she is the type to do this, so it is a huge risk. But at this point I don't feel comfortable with confessing. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Your thoughts are quite welcome. My husband is very jealous and very possessive. As a matter of fact, most of our nearly 2 decade marriage I have been accused of cheating. Wrongfully. While I did not have intercourse in this affair that is not to say that other sexual activities did not occur. And I KNOW my husband would not be able to cope with this, despite his own affair early on in our marriage. My affair partner and his wife went through marriage counseling after he took her back after she left him and the children for two years and had a long term affair she still denies. I say this because I imagine after d day and the resulting call that broke us off with the "we are going to try to work things out on our end" I suppose they are back to MC again. And so i suppose the wife could at some point decide to contact my husband. I actually thought on d day I would arrive home to find out she already had. I know her personally and she is the type to do this, so it is a huge risk. But at this point I don't feel comfortable with confessing. Many similarities to my situation. Possessive H who I will not confess to unless I have to. He can’t even handle it if a man speaks to me platonically or looks at me too long. And he also cheated early in the marriage. While not a revenge affair by any means, subconsciously I think it probably made it easier for me to engage. I’ve had one IC session and she did tell me she saw no reason to disclose A at this point. She felt since it’s over and there’s been NC for months to leave it and move forward. I am aware that it could be exposed, but as the months go on I find it less likely. You do have to evaluate your own situation, only you know your H & your marriage and really have to do what you feel is best. I never got “I’m breaking it off to work on my marriage...” from xmm though. Of course we had ended things months before his W saw a text. We were very LC at that point. Even after she saw text he asked me to stay in touch. He is the type who was sorry he got caught, not sorry it happened. And I think if I texted him tomorrow I would get a reply. But I will not reach out. Trying to move forward and be happy with H. I didn’t find LS when my break up was fresh, wish I had. I often wonder if continuing to read here is hindering my moving on at this point. But it is nice to feel that I am not alone in this, I suffered so much in silence early on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 It's only over because she found out. I really don't know why I thought he was strong enough to end the marriage when she found out. He's very very passive and controlled. I say this because I always knew this, long before I ever had feelings or this addiction. I'm actually surprised he had the guts to ever even look at another woman. I knew this would end this way. I just wanted to pretend otherwise. Stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 26, 2018 Author Share Posted October 26, 2018 Coming up on 7 weeks no contact and I am beginning to feel like a normal person again. No crying every day. Beginning to make plans for the future. I'm just proud of myself. I really did not think I would make it this far 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 That’s great, I’m glad you feel better and you’ve managed to have NC. I hope it only gets better and more hopeful from here. It’s inspiring to hear because I’m not doing well today, so looking for hope that things will look up soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 27, 2018 Author Share Posted October 27, 2018 You can absolutely do it. If I can you can! Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 Coming up on 7 weeks no contact and I am beginning to feel like a normal person again. No crying every day. Beginning to make plans for the future. I'm just proud of myself. I really did not think I would make it this far Maybelle, I’m so happy to hear this. I’ve been thinking of you and notadaygoesby, in fact I logged in just to check on both of your status. I’ve lived this horrible pain and know the struggles that come with it. It takes time and am proud of you, keep healing and moving forward. Big hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 Today I discovered by chance and bizarrely Pinterest that he lied about whose idea it was to visit a place on their family vacation. I only even say this because why lie about something so unimportant? It opened my eyes to the fact that the man I loved and respected and trusted so much is just another liar like every other man who has a wife at home and a girlfriend on the side! Granted, I do know his wife and she is in my opinion an awful person but I bet he doesn't really think she is even though it was all she's so awful and I don't love her. Ladies, if you are the OW, believe me, he is lying to you too! About everything. About anything. About stupid stuff that doesn't even matter like who picked out a damn tourist attraction. He will say what you need to hear to keep you on the hook but he doesn't want to destroy the image of the perfect little family in their big shiny house with all their toys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 I should send her a thank you card for forcing his hand but they aren't worth the effort or the time. Good riddance! Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Maybelle, I’m so happy to hear this. I’ve been thinking of you and notadaygoesby, in fact I logged in just to check on both of your status. I’ve lived this horrible pain and know the struggles that come with it. It takes time and am proud of you, keep healing and moving forward. Big hugs Thanks for your support Treehugger, it means a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Today I discovered by chance and bizarrely Pinterest that he lied about whose idea it was to visit a place on their family vacation. I only even say this because why lie about something so unimportant? It opened my eyes to the fact that the man I loved and respected and trusted so much is just another liar like every other man who has a wife at home and a girlfriend on the side! Granted, I do know his wife and she is in my opinion an awful person but I bet he doesn't really think she is even though it was all she's so awful and I don't love her. Ladies, if you are the OW, believe me, he is lying to you too! About everything. About anything. About stupid stuff that doesn't even matter like who picked out a damn tourist attraction. He will say what you need to hear to keep you on the hook but he doesn't want to destroy the image of the perfect little family in their big shiny house with all their toys. It is quite head scratching the amount of lying they do about even small trivial things. My WH told me some things and then lied about others. Once the thing came out that it had went sexual, why lie about something so silly as to they stopped at a bar before going to the hotel? It is just nuts. Sometimes, I'll get into a conversation with my STBXWH, and I am believing some of the things he is saying. Because even though I know he is a liar, he is so convincing. Later, I'll talk to a friend and she'll say, "Do you think that is true?" And then it hits me... like I didnt even consider he may have made it up. Insanity making. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 It is quite head scratching the amount of lying they do about even small trivial things. My WH told me some things and then lied about others. Once the thing came out that it had went sexual, why lie about something so silly as to they stopped at a bar before going to the hotel? It is just nuts. Sometimes, I'll get into a conversation with my STBXWH, and I am believing some of the things he is saying. Because even though I know he is a liar, he is so convincing. Later, I'll talk to a friend and she'll say, "Do you think that is true?" And then it hits me... like I didnt even consider he may have made it up. Insanity making. I think a lot of narcissists lie because what is in their heads is their actual reality. Facts don't matter, objective reality doesn't matter. Only the stories they concoct in their heads matter. It's the ultimate in solipsism. My theory, anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maybelle Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 I guess it's what lie makes them look better and is going to keep us on the hook. Can't believe I fell for that crap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Because it's what they are used to doing. It also gives them a little thrill that someone would believe their lies- even if they are small... it's like a test - and if you believe them - they win the little game they play in their own head. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 I guess it's what lie makes them look better and is going to keep us on the hook. Can't believe I fell for that crap. It is because you live a bit more honestly. You cant understand it because you wouldnt lie like that. Take it as a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 It is because you live a bit more honestly. You cant understand it because you wouldnt lie like that. Take it as a good thing. But also know that it's who HE is to the core. No bueno. Link to post Share on other sites
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