Affair over

[Maybelle]

Thank you all. I know now he used our friendship to study me and wait for the opportune moment I was weak. Just so far from who I am and the way I think that it baffles me.

[Maybelle]

Today is 8 weeks. It feels so odd. I never thought we would ever go this long without talking in some manner. So I am pretty proud of myself that I have made it this long without reaching out to him. I didn't think I could do it. So if you're reading this and you don't think you can, YES YOU CAN! You absolutely can do it I i can!

[Ronco]

Awe, I'm so happy for you and proud! 8 weeks is quite an accomplishment, good for you! We all can do it, just need the strength and positive thinking. I traveled to where my ex (who has a gf - he and I had an A) this weekend, he sent me an email saying it was weird I was so close by (and I assume he was expecting me to ask if I could see him) and I responded quickly and with nothing more than a "yes, it's weird" and I didn't see him! I'm back home and am so proud of myself!

 

We can do this! Congratulations!!!

[carhill]

Reading some interim responses, add social media to the NC list. Black hole it. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Pininterest, all that stuff. That's all part of no contact. That includes mutual friends regardless of whether they know of the association or not. Friends talk. Information gets passed back and forth. Relapses occur which restart the healing process. It's pretty difficult in the electronic world but can be done.

 

IME, if a solid emotionally attached A, it'll be a number of months of NC to find a modicum of peace. In my case due to the length of the A it took me a couple years of black hole NC to process out the emotional attachment. However, I was single and didn't have the relationship distractions of a married couple. Presuming your spouse loves you and is willing to work through this, that's a valuable tool to healing, one a single person alone doesn't have.

[Maybelle]

I went ahead and blocked everything. It was too much to deal with and it was definitely hindering any progress I made. I won't say I am over it. I definitely am not. But I have progressed from crying every day so I'll take that!

[NotADayGoesBy]

Congratulations Maybelle! Think of how great you’re going to feel 8 MORE weeks from now! That is a great accomplishment.

[ja123]

Good for you, Maybelle!

[pepperbird]

Today is 8 weeks. It feels so odd. I never thought we would ever go this long without talking in some manner. So I am pretty proud of myself that I have made it this long without reaching out to him. I didn't think I could do it. So if you're reading this and you don't think you can, YES YOU CAN! You absolutely can do it I i can!

 

 

 

 

Underneath all the hurt and confusion, *you* are are still there. Connect with yourself again.

[Maybelle]

After so much improvement, the past two days have been brutal. Everyone is so spot on about the roller coaster.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I’ve also had a really rough week with a brief “high” last night to about noon today and then started going back down hill rapidly. As I cried on the way home tonight I thought: how do the people who go through this for YEARS manage to hold up? How do they carry on through their everyday lives? Because some days are so hard that I’m tempted to leave work sick and go home and crawl into bed and just cry. It’s been really disconcerting considering I’m a very even keeled person. I am not used to these extreme lows that sometimes come out of nowhere. Hang in there, it will get better.

[Maybelle]

I hope it gets better for you too.

[FMW]

Hang in there Maybelle. What you're feeling is completely normal, however painful and sometimes seemingly impossible to get over it feels.

 

I was NC for 3 months before he popped back into my world a few weeks ago. It was really awful for about 10 days, I felt like I was going crazy. But it's evening out again. I spent 4 hours last night watching him perform (he's a musician) and with his wife there watching him as well. It was a small club so we were all within 20 feet of each other. For the first time I felt fairly calm through it all and enjoyed interactions with friends. And for the first time I didn't cry after I left. That was a huge victory for me!

 

You'll have victory too, have faith. It just takes time.

 

I'm not kidding myself that I'm over it, not by a longshot, but I'm making progress. You will too if you just keep powering through. Make sure and acknowledge every little positive step you make and use it as encouragement. Be aware the rollercoaster will dip down so when it does you'll realize it's not a permanent thing, you will get back up again.

[misspalmy]

how are you doing a mth later?

 

You dont need him xx

[Maybelle]

It's been almost 11 weeks. I still think about him a lot. Every day, as a matter of fact. I love him. I will always love him. But I don't cry all the time anymore. And if he were to come back into my life today with divorce papers in hand I honestly don't know what I would say. Before I would have jumped at that. Now I just don't know. He hurt me badly. I don't think I could ever trust him. Life moves on.

[treehugger12]

Hi Maybelle, glad to see your update, sounds like your feeling better. It will

still take a lot of time to get over but sounds like your on your way. I saw my exMM today for just a few minutes and my heart sparked off and on for a couple hours thinking of him but then slowly wore off. I will always have a thing for him and I have learned so much, as it has taken over a year to get over. You too will get over this, slowly but surely. I’m not even sure if we ever totally get over it but your heart will heal over time like mine has. Lots of prayers and hugs to you and hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving.

[Beachguy]

I'm sorry u r upset.. just be the best u can be now...

[zouz71]

Dear Lady ,

 

 

From A person who learned a lot last 5 years ,passing through EA, Divorce,then reconciliation with my wife ... let me just advise you few things ....

 

 

 

-Nobody in the world can be be in your shoes ; I am sorry for you with what are going through , but you have to be careful of few things .

 

 

-Your AP could be a great guy , but let's be realistic , Grass appears greener always on the other side ....

 

i remember when I fell in love at that time that I became even a different person myself : in a word i became a person whom time can be enjoyed ,

to be very honest (it was ver 1.xx of me) , that will never last forever.

 

My advise to you is that what happened is a great memory only , just leave it behind and now look at yourself :

-do you want to stay in your marriage ? or not .

 

when you decide that you would leave or stay irrespective of financial circumstances then your decision is write .

 

My wife left the house with no money really in her hand , and fought me through legal process for one year , at the end I approached her nd made reconcilaiation happen while everybody in the whole world thought it cant be...

 

So now , let's look at you , what do you want realy in life ?

what is the most important thing in your liferight now ?

[zouz71]

The main point madelene is that you don't leave bec there is another guy ,

nor stay because of circumstances...

 

you leave a rotten marriage irrespective ,

[Missedmistress]

It's been almost 11 weeks. I still think about him a lot. Every day, as a matter of fact. I love him. I will always love him. But I don't cry all the time anymore. And if he were to come back into my life today with divorce papers in hand I honestly don't know what I would say. Before I would have jumped at that. Now I just don't know. He hurt me badly. I don't think I could ever trust him. Life moves on.

@Maybelle Not a surprise but your story is identical to mine. Except that my EA went on for longer (14 months) and ended about 8 months ago, when he told me he needed to 'give 100% of his attention to his family for his son (always a good AP move) but his feelings towards me are unchanged'. Same story, so cliche, I love you, I don't love her, weak men blah blah.

 

Went full NC 6 months ago, after a few more weeks of: 'I miss you', 'I don't know if this was the best idea'...etc. Well, it was your effin' idea!, maybe he expected me to beg?? I had more pride than that, if he wanted me he needed to express himself better. I sent him away with quite a nasty message that still haunts me to today but I knew he wouldn't have stopped torturing me otherwise. He never replied to it.

 

Anyway, I honestly have no idea what he is up to and I don't intend to find out. I feel the same way way as you, fooled, used, betrayed etc. Rationally I know he is not worth it but I also miss our friendship, we're like the same person in a lot of ways and our spouses will never understand us the way we do each other. I still love him.

 

Anyway, I disclosed everything to my husband on the first D-Day, which was a year ago (affair went on for months after that). I never wanted DH to find out from AP's wife (whom I actually got along with before). DH has been nothing but supporting ever since, really making an effort, he loves me and he is standing by me, fully forgave me for this. Even though AP was his good friend too, DH blames him for all of this. He calls this cheap on his part and refers to him with the c-word.

 

I still get sad and depressed and cry uncontrollably when I'm alone, happens less often, maybe 1-2 a month? Did counseling, talked to friends etc. that helps, went traveling a lot (luckily had a work opportunity). Didn't take medication but now don't see the point any more.

 

In summary, it does get better but will suck for a long time, I know I have some ways ahead of me, EAs are not straightforward and bite you back a lot. I know he loves me too, which hurts because the reality is that we may never speak again. I have to accept this. One day at a time.

 

Good luck to you!!

 

 

*sorry I'm really bad at these abbreviations, hope this all makes sense*

Edited November 22, 2018 by Missedmistress

[Maybelle]

Lately I think about him more and more. A lot of the time with anger. I think that's probably normal. I haven't made any attempt to reach out and I won't. Obviously he feels the same. If I could just forget him completely.

[Mrs._December]

Well, from what I gather, I'll assume the 'sexual situations' you mentioned happened a few times was probably non-reciprocal sex you performed on him. That's usually how it goes. From everything I've read, these guys usually aren't happy to risk their marriages just to hold your hand at the malt shop. The risk has to be worth the reward for them so I'll assume that even though it wasn't intercourse, he was likely being satisfied in other ways.

 

So, for a while, the reward was was worth the risk for him - until it wasn't.

 

While you may 'love' him, the truth is, when push came to shove, he threw you right under the bus on D-Day. You can romanticize him all you want and dream about how you loved each other, but when it came to saving his OWN hide, he threw you right under the bus and didn't even look back. And THAT'S what you need to look at, not the fairy-tale you had back when no one knew but you two.

 

But you have to admit that there was nothing healthy about that relationship. What is healthy about a man lying to his wife and cheating on her so he can get out of the house and sneak over to see you for an hour or two, and you two having to hide from everyone and your families - and anything you did had to be done on the sly?

 

I mean, what is so healthy about that?

 

I think you may have romanticized this star-crossed love because there was really nothing honest or pure about it, but in your mind, it was.

 

What you're really trying to do is find a way to get over what you thought you had, and not what you actually had.

[Maybelle]

The sexual part was all about me actually. That's all I will say about that lol. I know none of it was healthy. It was wrong to lie and sneak around. I know all this. Some days are just easier than others. The past week has been oddly hard. I thought as time went on everything would be so much easier I guess.

[goldengirl11]

I feel like we could be twins. Everything you said is exactly me. I already have serious blood pressure problems and it's exacerbated it. I already had anxiety and some depression issues. I'm now on two antidepressants and am looking to see what my insurance will pay in terms of individual counseling. Thank you so much for the support. I really need it. I am so isolated.

Wow, I can so relate to you. I lost my job last year, due to sickness issues etc, but I'm sure being in a similar situation to yourself didn't help! I wish you every happiness.

[closetohome]

Maybelle, how are you doing? Are you feeling any better? How long have you been no contact now? Are you going through a range of emotions? I hope you’re doing well.

 

Closetohome

[Maybelle]

I'm doing fairly well. I still think about him daily. I have conflicted feelings about him. I miss the friendship we had for so many years. I miss him in my life. I struggle with feelings of rejection and it has done a number on my self esteem. But I don't cry every day. I'm trying to move on.

 

I came here originally hoping there was some magic trick to get over this that someone would know. There isn't a magic trick. As time goes by the agony gets better and isn't so overwhelming. But I think for some people (like me) this will always be a wound.