Giving up on dating is an act of self-preservation

[ZA Dater]

ZA Dater you clearly don't have what you want, which is a caring loving girlfriend/ wife. This isn't lord of the Rings where you have to watch Frodo climb onto the boat and go away.

 

 

I will ask you again why are you stuck in a rut and insist on being stuck there? If you can be happy stuck in a rut that's great. But based on what you told me, you don't want to be in a rut.

 

 

 

The solution for me is just focus on what I do like and what does make me happy. The truth is probably somewhere in between what you mention above, most of life is very good and I don't think dating or lack thereof would bother me quite so much if I had at least a one good relationship. Unfortunately I have met people I do like, have got along really well with them but it never really works because they aren't into me.

 

 

All I want is that one good experience where someone I like actually likes me, that's all I want really, she can go on half a dozen dates with me and I could tick dating off the list of things I want to do. Instead I just get these unsuitable matches and get told "make do with that".

 

 

Am I worth the effort, not sure to be honest, certainly not for someone who judges men on their beer drinking ability and the sport they watch. I am just tired of being thrown the rubbish dump by these people. Very, very few people I have met are independent thinkers, the rest just follow the crowd.

 

 

Did I mess up good prospects, yes I have but in hindsight not sure what I could have done to improve things. Every time I go on a date they always find something wrong and zero in on that, usually the fact I don't drink. I try then move on from that but its too much of a red flag for 99.9% of people it seems.

 

 

I have been out with people I didn't find attractive but it seems there is a standard whereby guys must do this but its beneath ladies to even attempt it.

 

 

Even one of my close friends says ladies aren't particularly nice to me so that's telling.

 

 

What I cannot reconcile is when I see someone struggling my first instinct is to try and help them in anyway I can, yet nobody has ever really tried to help me in any useful way.

[Garcon1986]

And what counts as helping you in a reasonable way?

 

Your experience as you just described is what I went through too. Pretty par for the course. What can we say to you that would get you back into dating or at least take a different approach?

[Normm]

The solution for me is just focus on what I do like and what does make me happy.

 

 

That doesn't work, because wallowing about your dating failures on an internet relationship forum is what makes you happy.

 

 

when I see someone struggling my first instinct is to try and help them in anyway I can, yet nobody has ever really tried to help me in any useful way.

 

 

That's because nobody cares. When you're in a real relationship, the other person cares about you, because you take care of their needs. You've got each other's back so to speak.

[ZA Dater]

And what counts as helping you in a reasonable way?

 

Your experience as you just described is what I went through too. Pretty par for the course. What can we say to you that would get you back into dating or at least take a different approach?

 

 

Convince me its actually worth dating/trying to. I am not convinced it really has anything to offer, especially if I have to force myself to find someone attractive.

 

 

All it seems it "just take what you can get and be happy with that" that seems to be the general advice given to struggling people.

 

 

Is dating so fantastic and if so why?

 

 

When everything is a negative struggle people just give up when its more of the same over and over again. People will say "there are lots of fish" and all sort of nonsense but when people have had no luck at all, would it not be nice for someone to say "ok come out with me", see I can kinda get why this doesn't happen because the assumption by the time you finish HS you would have some dating experience.

 

 

So much about life is built on confidence and attempting to date reduces mine to zero. Why should I guy approach, think about it, why should he then look like a fool, the 5 times I did ask people out they all rejected me there and then so why would I want to do it again?

 

 

Of course someone will be along shortly to say "but its part of growing" it isn't, its not normal to get rejected over and over again and furthermore there is nothing to be learnt because you never get feedback so its pointless.

 

 

No, I find work far more rewarding, at least I can see where I go wrong there and make improvements, miss blond au pair offers nothing to tell me that perhaps she didn't like abc I said.

[NuevoYorko]

Convince me its actually worth dating/trying to. I am not convinced it really has anything to offer, especially if I have to force myself to find someone attractive.

 

 

All it seems it "just take what you can get and be happy with that" that seems to be the general advice given to struggling people.

 

 

Is dating so fantastic and if so why?

If you are so sour on the concept why on God's green earth do you spend so many dozens of hours typing about it?

 

Do you understand why your attitude is offensive and you get a lot of slack here? You come off as a person sitting motionless, taking stock of others and passing judgements on how most of them are beneath you, but without taking any action. As if you are expecting the one who meets your high standards to present herself for your approval, and since this is not happening you are justified in having a pissy demeanor.

 

Nobody here knows you but I imagine that it's pretty noticeable in person. You don't sound like any fun, frankly.

 

Just as you feel entitled to complain profusely about how no woman worthy of you is interested in you - women are definitely entitled to spend their time with men who bring them pleasure. Men and women alike want that.

 

Maybe if you spent more time developing whatever attributes you have that could bring pleasure to another person than you do judging women's worthiness, you'd figure out how to have someone in your life.

 

Which after all is said and done, why dating is worthwhile for a lot of us.

[Garcon1986]

You are looking at the prospect of never having a wife and kids and living alone in your old age. Does that sit well with you?

 

You say you never can get good feedback. Why not find a reliable wing woman? You seriously think meeting new women is a lost cause? Im not even gay and I am contemplating how dry you might be.

[ZA Dater]

If you are so sour on the concept why on God's green earth do you spend so many dozens of hours typing about it?

 

Do you understand why your attitude is offensive and you get a lot of slack here? You come off as a person sitting motionless, taking stock of others and passing judgements on how most of them are beneath you, but without taking any action. As if you are expecting the one who meets your high standards to present herself for your approval, and since this is not happening you are justified in having a pissy demeanor.

 

Nobody here knows you but I imagine that it's pretty noticeable in person. You don't sound like any fun, frankly.

 

Just as you feel entitled to complain profusely about how no woman worthy of you is interested in you - women are definitely entitled to spend their time with men who bring them pleasure. Men and women alike want that.

 

Maybe if you spent more time developing whatever attributes you have that could bring pleasure to another person than you do judging women's worthiness, you'd figure out how to have someone in your life.

 

Which after all is said and done, why dating is worthwhile for a lot of us.

 

 

 

No I guess I am not fun, whatever that might be. I have got to the point where I am not taking an interest in people who don't take an interest in me, nor I am entertaining "she might be better in person" type ideas either.

 

 

I had a great match, and really tried with her, we chatted and got along well, until she went MIA, probably because someone "fun" arrived.

 

 

Honestly I don't think I have any attributes which are worth anything in the dating world at all. Most of the time I just wish people would accept me as I am but the entire of me is one big deal breaker and that's made me bitter and judgemental, the judging that is done to me I do to others. If I am going to be judged on awkwardness and inexperience I am then going to judge harshly on apathy.

 

 

Who knows perhaps my entire "dating plan" is one big mistake full of impractical unobtainable objectives.

 

 

Perhaps going out and being passed over time and time again, rejected time and time again has just left me jaded, I cannot think of one good "organic" dating experience which had a positive outcome.

 

 

Of course I am fault for all of this, lest someone remind me of that fact.

 

 

Think about this, if you are constantly rejected are you going to feel like you have any worth to anyone else, definitely not.

 

 

You either wallow or simply don't give a ****. I tried the former and now I am trying the latter.

[ZA Dater]

You are looking at the prospect of never having a wife and kids and living alone in your old age. Does that sit well with you?

 

You say you never can get good feedback. Why not find a reliable wing woman? You seriously think meeting new women is a lost cause? Im not even gay and I am contemplating how dry you might be.

 

 

Not a particularly nice prospect but not unique, millions world wide live like that. Doesn't sit too well but equally neither does settling for someone I don't like for the sake of it.

 

 

Wing women, I don't know anyone single. Everyone I know is in a relationship so that doesn't help much and no their friends aren't interested in me either because socially I don't really conform to what they want.

 

 

Basically I am just not desirable to what I like, the people who want me are ones who want economic support or stand in dads for their kids, not interested in any of those scenarios and given the choice I'd rather be on my own.

 

 

When people tell you "any girl would be lucky to be with you" and that sort of BS it rather rings hollow for me because when I see that "any girl" chooses I cannot fathom the logic behind that and when I compare myself to who "any girl" chooses I am pretty much the polar opposite in every respect.

[Garcon1986]

the descriptions you give match a lot of the dating profiles on girls in Mississippi. I refuse to date these women too, they would provide me nothing at all. It's the revolving door of divorce with small children, and women who insist on expensive horses. My plan is to drive across state lines. You can't try in Port Elizabeth, East London, Praetoria, Johannesburg, Paarl, Stellenbosch? And if you are all alone, why not emigrate to Europe?

 

 

Look now you've provided me the proof you need to start dating differently. If you get a woman all by yourself, you can take all the credit. My friends also have no interest in my dating success. No problem - all those people won't get my help either, they don't know anybody whom they think will be compatible, so I'm a professional, I can seek out cool dates myself.

[ZA Dater]

the descriptions you give match a lot of the dating profiles on girls in Mississippi. I refuse to date these women too, they would provide me nothing at all. It's the revolving door of divorce with small children, and women who insist on expensive horses. My plan is to drive across state lines. You can't try in Port Elizabeth, East London, Praetoria, Johannesburg, Paarl, Stellenbosch? And if you are all alone, why not emigrate to Europe?

 

 

Look now you've provided me the proof you need to start dating differently. If you get a woman all by yourself, you can take all the credit. My friends also have no interest in my dating success. No problem - all those people won't get my help either, they don't know anybody whom they think will be compatible, so I'm a professional, I can seek out cool dates myself.

 

 

 

I do still have some family here. My radius is generally 50 miles so that does bring in the more outlying areas, one of which is a student town. I have tried my luck there as in actually go there but its not very helpful because while there are attractive people they aren't interested in me.

 

 

In some respects I have the reverse problem you have, in that sure in the past they have tried to set me up, the problem is the other person isn't interested in me. See if you picture this

 

 

3 People, friend, me and lady he is trying to set me up with

 

 

Him: "small talk" J have many people have you dated, J really struggles with dating

Her: Oh yes it is very difficult

Him: Why don't you take J out?

Her: Awkwardness some small talk

Me: Actually its ok, I'd rather focus on work.

 

 

This has happened a few times, eventually I asked him to stop doing it as it was unbelievably awkward for me and the poor person he was trying to set me up with. By virtue of charm and good looks he manages to get dates easily.

 

 

I must confess I wouldn't have minded going out with some of these people but the whole thing is just so awkward. Or the other variation is where he tries to set me up with people he brands "fantastic" but wouldn't date himself.

 

 

The last option for me is economic dating, I have done it a bit in the past, its completely contrived but is better than going out and eating on my own but suitable people are very hard to find, lets call is a quid pro quo arrangement. The value aspect is also very poor.

 

 

Being able to find ones own dates must be nice but I just don't find them be it on sites, apps or whatever I just never find anyone interesting who is even interested to meet up. One even told me "you have pathetic game" which left me wondering if she is so fantastic why she is even on Tinder.

 

 

For all purposes I am basically invisible for dating purposes. I know lots of people who do well, I observe how they go about things but I just don't have that easy going humour and charm, no matter how much I try.

 

 

Elaine is right in one respect this wouldn't be a problem if id had a normal HS and 20s year, I'd have some friends my own sort of age, I'd then be able to network off that but I don't have that and I believe it simply cannot be built at 34. So I am left chasing material items in the belief they will draw people to me, will make up for whatever it is people find so terrible about me and if none of that happens well I have the item to enjoy.

 

 

I still believe what I want is possible but the chances are slim to next to nothing. What's more likely is I will just live out life imagining how good it could be.

[Garcon1986]

You are still refusing to change your approach. It has been borne out by experiments that humor and charm can be learned. Your date description was incredibly weak, but you can only go up from there. Don’t restrict yourself to 50 miles. You are refusing to acknowledge reality here.

[ZA Dater]

You are still refusing to change your approach. It has been borne out by experiments that humor and charm can be learned. Your date description was incredibly weak, but you can only go up from there. Don’t restrict yourself to 50 miles. You are refusing to acknowledge reality here.

 

 

 

Change to what exactly?

 

 

I don't think charm can be learned without being fake. 50 miles is the limit of what is practical. I don't see the point of having a date who lives 100 miles away, that being the case I may as well have a date in Moscow.

 

 

Reality unless I reinvent myself as some conformist sheep I wont be getting any dates. I go out sorry to say the I could almost write a (very boring) book about the typical guy and his mannerisms, they are all the same.

 

 

Time has told me that my approach doesn't work because the approach isn't wrong the fact I don't conform is wrong.

 

 

An example of this is

 

 

"Do you drink wine"

"No I don't I am training for a cycle tour so I drink water" In my mind that's a perfectly acceptable explanation but its never accepted because who wants to take their bf to their friends and he doesn't drink. Nothing appears quite as attractive seemingly as people who conform.

 

 

Everyday I see examples of this, dare not question why and you might as well be from another planet. I question the need for people to drink, I don't pass judgement on it but I question the need, more so when people tell me "its to be social".

 

 

Perhaps the biggest problem is I simply don't click with people very often, feel nothing when I meet then, don't feel any real need to see many of them again, don't really see what they can offer me. I am sure most feel the same way about me though!

[ZA Dater]

You are still refusing to change your approach. It has been borne out by experiments that humor and charm can be learned. Your date description was incredibly weak, but you can only go up from there. Don’t restrict yourself to 50 miles. You are refusing to acknowledge reality here.

 

 

 

People cannot simply re invent themselves, I have actually tried this in a few different way, different types of profile pictures, different sites, different bio's tried to be funny, tried to be charming but this effort was hardly worth it.

 

 

It seems to be guys need to try this and that, ladies simply need to arrive. Few if any actually tried to impress me at all, in fact mostly I was left wondering where the "selling" was? Sure the one arrived tipsy and left quite a lot worse than that, was all over me. My response was to try and get date number 2, that never happened despite her agreeing to it.

 

 

That date was as close as I ever got to getting anything. No surprise she is still on Tinder.

 

 

So yes my partial fix solution is to take a friend to events so at least I feels like I am taking a date.

 

 

Ultimately I am probably just going to settle on contrived "arrangement dating" where it frankly doesn't matter what I look like so long as there is some economic benefit for her.

[Normm]

You should change your username to ZA Wallower.

[Chilli]

Thing is people seem to talk about some standard thing as if everyone's the same so everyone should do this be that.

But everyone's different so if it's a relationship someone's after then you just need your match.

l'm very different but you hone in on women more like you and odds are pretty good you'll get along sweet maybe even fall in love with one of them. There won't be many but that's ok.

And eh, she'll probably be awkward and not having much luck too.

 

But what's the 50miles that's nothin no wonder your stuck, sounds like you got money n nice cars who cares where she is.

My gf was 1200kl away so what. we talked 6wks , then she came down,,, she's still here ha, could well be forever.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Chilli

[ZA Dater]

Thing is people seem to talk about some standard thing as if everyone's the same so everyone should do this be that.

But everyone's different so if it's a relationship someone's after then you just need your match.

l'm very different but you hone in on women more like you and odds are pretty good you'll get along sweet maybe even fall in love with one of them. There won't be many but that's ok.

And eh, she'll probably be awkward and not having much luck too.

 

But what's the 50miles that's nothin, sounds like you got money n nice cars ?

My gf was 1200kl away so what. we talked 6wks , then she came down,,, she's still here ha, could well be forever.

 

 

 

If I am going to do far away it might as well be another continent where the odds of meeting are zero. The further one goes out of main cities here the worse the options become.

 

 

Sure I have met people very vaguely similar in awkwardness but none were attractive either physically or intellectually. If you are telling me I need to settle for that, then I'd rather not.

 

 

And I didn't get along with them either.

[Chilli]

People cannot simply re invent themselves, I have actually tried this in a few different way, different types of profile pictures, different sites, different bio's tried to be funny, tried to be charming but this effort was hardly worth it.

 

 

It seems to be guys need to try this and that, ladies simply need to arrive. Few if any actually tried to impress me at all, in fact mostly I was left wondering where the "selling" was? Sure the one arrived tipsy and left quite a lot worse than that, was all over me. My response was to try and get date number 2, that never happened despite her agreeing to it.

 

 

That date was as close as I ever got to getting anything. No surprise she is still on Tinder.

 

 

So yes my partial fix solution is to take a friend to events so at least I feels like I am taking a date.

 

 

Ultimately I am probably just going to settle on contrived "arrangement dating" where it frankly doesn't matter what I look like so long as there is some economic benefit for her.

 

One of the girls here said you were a good looking chap

[Chilli]

If I am going to do far away it might as well be another continent where the odds of meeting are zero. The further one goes out of main cities here the worse the options become.

 

 

Sure I have met people very vaguely similar in awkwardness but none were attractive either physically or intellectually. If you are telling me I need to settle for that, then I'd rather not.

 

 

And I didn't get along with them either.

 

 

Nope , not tellin you settle for anything or talking about awkwardness either really. l'm saying more like you as in thoughts and views, things in common , ideals.

But oddly yeah , if you ahve a lot in common she may well be awkward too and you'll both laugh at that shyt.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Chilli

[ZA Dater]

Nope , not tellin you settle for anything or talking about awkwardness either really. l'm saying more like you as in thoughts and views, things in common , ideals.

But oddly yeah , if you ahve a lot in common she may well be awkward too and you'll both laugh at that shyt.

 

 

 

Never found anyone I had anything in common with, found a few I get along with better than others but NONE were interested in me the expectation seemed to be I had to ask all the questions about them.

 

 

The only "relationships" which work for me are ones which involve work or projects because that's at least something in common and some glue to bind the whole thing together. It doesn't help I everything relating to intimacy is just awkward for me which is so unappealing to anyone.

 

 

No I think people who struggle give up because there is so much "wrong" with them they cannot fix any of it and even if they did it wouldn't make them any more marketable.

[Chilli]

Another continent btw , not necessarily especailly if you've got money, after my divorce l just accidentally met someone that lived on the other side of the world, together 2yrs.

 

ps , dunno , can't see it , everyone has a match , probably 6 matches, doesn't matter who they are.

Maybe some kinda business chick would click ?

The key is honing in on things that mean a lot to you , and when you find that in her , odds are pretty good you'll have many more shyt in common.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Chilli

[ZA Dater]

Another continent btw , not necessarily especailly if you've got money, after my divorce l just accidentally met someone that lived on the other side of the world, together 2yrs.

 

 

 

I am married to work. Dating never worked for me so I found another to spend my time.

 

 

The thing is this, I'd just some someone to give me some attention, just take an interest in me, they never do, its like I must take all the interest and they give nothing.

 

 

I get why guys go to strip clubs and the like its attention, completely fake but attention nonetheless.

 

 

Every time I find someone I like I try to engage with the person, find out about them but hardly ever is that reciprocated. Mostly how many guys struggle because they don't know people want, I simply don't know what to offer them to make them like me, it seems like nothing is ever good enough and yet "bad boys" seem to do so well.

 

 

If I had my way I'd have someone "teach" me dating but not some snake oil dating coach armed with a text book of theoretical junk.

[ZA Dater]

Another continent btw , not necessarily especailly if you've got money, after my divorce l just accidentally met someone that lived on the other side of the world, together 2yrs.

 

ps , dunno , can't see it , everyone has a match , probably 6 matches, doesn't matter who they are.

Maybe some kinda business chick would click ?

The key is honing in on things that mean a lot to you , and when you find that in her , odds are pretty good you'll have many more shyt in common.

 

 

 

I have been out with business chicks, usually older but there is still no connection with me, I once took a CPA to a movie and lets say a movie as a first date is something I wont do again....

 

 

Thing that mean things to me don't interest anyone else that's exactly the problem.

[Chilli]

I have been out with business chicks, usually older but there is still no connection with me, I once took a CPA to a movie and lets say a movie as a first date is something I wont do again....

 

 

Thing that mean things to me don't interest anyone else that's exactly the problem.

 

 

Might be rare but as l said l'm very different think different have my own thing on everything so yeah it's not everyone but it doesn't have to be , that's better actually because l've never had to waste my time.

But they're out there, believe me.

 

ps, didn't smackie or someone offer to give you a bit of a hand , think it was you , man take her up on it it's a nice offer.

Don't blame ya l feel sorry for the poor sods listening to those guys. l came across some video pop up of one awhile back , it was torture but just out of curiosity l sat through 5mins of it.

Most pathetic thing l ever saw.

[Garcon1986]

So I know many people who reinvented themselves, and are now genuine.

 

 

I can give you example after example of people who trained in humor and charm, and have been successful. You are just refusing and stonewalling me just because you can.

 

 

You claim that every woman you ever met has never had an interest in what you are interested in. It statistically can't be true that you can't find anybody interested in your same interests.

 

 

Can you give us a list of what you are interested in?

 

 

And what is this work you are married to? What's the reason you can't leave South Africa?

 

 

If you can be genuinely inside and out happy like Oprah being single, then that's great. Based on what you have written I hear a side of you that is longing to be with a woman.

 

 

Haven't you heard all the people on this forum complaining about their relationships, and getting into them for the wrong reasons? Do you want to have this happen to you again, if you go on an "economic" date? Attracting a Gold-digger is expensive to start, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

[ZA Dater]

So I know many people who reinvented themselves, and are now genuine.

 

 

I can give you example after example of people who trained in humor and charm, and have been successful. You are just refusing and stonewalling me just because you can.

 

 

You claim that every woman you ever met has never had an interest in what you are interested in. It statistically can't be true that you can't find anybody interested in your same interests.

 

 

Can you give us a list of what you are interested in?

 

 

And what is this work you are married to? What's the reason you can't leave South Africa?

 

 

If you can be genuinely inside and out happy like Oprah being single, then that's great. Based on what you have written I hear a side of you that is longing to be with a woman.

 

 

Haven't you heard all the people on this forum complaining about their relationships, and getting into them for the wrong reasons? Do you want to have this happen to you again, if you go on an "economic" date? Attracting a Gold-digger is expensive to start, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

 

My companies are based here and operations are based here.

 

I am simply wanting perhaps a dozen date's, just someone I like show interest in me. I just wonder what that is like.

 

Interests

Politics

World affairs

History

Cars

Debating

Exotic places

Nice food

Writing

 

See someone will get along to tell me about meet up. Where all I find are misfits like me.