Some people never find love and there is no happy ending

[EthanBlack]

We live in a culture where the individual always wins in the end. He overcomes his disadvantages, circumstances through sheer hard work and gets his break and gets a happy ending.

 

There's always that tale of the guy or girl who gets heartbroken from a breakup. He/She goes through turmoil and a period of self-reflection. Then he/she finds himself via some new direction in life whether discovering a new passion or a new career or whatever it is. And through that, he/she regains self-confidence and a zest for life and when he/she least expects it, an ideal partner just walks into his/her life. Out of nowhere. Like a miracle. And happily ever after.

 

Except that doesn't happen for many people. How do I know? I'm one of them. And I also know people, both men and women in my life who are also in that boat.

 

Whether it's because they're past their prime and lost opportunities during their youth or because they're just not conventionally attractive and not having enough suitable dating candidates. The reasons are complex and life is unfair.

 

Sometimes life just sucks and a lot of times, good people don't have happy endings. Society likes to blame these people for "not having tried hard enough." But you would never say to someone who lost their battle with cancer for not having tried hard enough. You would never compare that person to another cancer patient who somehow won his battle with cancer. The reasons some people win and some people lose out in life are complex.

 

Western culture likes to put blame on people. Somehow, it's always because you didn't try hard enough. But some people have truly been broken by their experiences and just don't have the heart anymore. Other people due to their circumstances just aren't in a position to "try harder." You never know what it's like in another person's shoes and it's far too easy to pass judgement.

[bathtub-row]

I’m not sure who you’ve been around but I don’t know many people who would judge others for that kind of thing. Most of us know and understand the volitile nature of relationships and anyone can end up in the situation you describe.

 

I’ve personally not been in a relationship for about 9 years and am not actively looking for anyone. I actually have a slight fear of them. I think of my life now where I have a great deal of freedom and very low drama, opposed to the life I used to have when I was in relationships. And look around you at most of the married people you know. The majority of them are miserable and that judgment you see is often them being jealous that you’re not as miserable as they are. I think it’s all about what a person is willing to tolerate and I have a very low threshold for being miserable. If a great guy comes along, I’d give him a chance but it’s not a high priority in my life. I’m more excited about what I’m doing in terms of work and writing. For me, that’s my happy ending.

 

None of us know what will come our way but just because you’re not with the love of your life doesn’t mean there’s no happy ending. I think it’s all about perspective.

[EthanBlack]

I’m not sure who you’ve been around but I don’t know many people who would judge others for that kind of thing. Most of us know and understand the volitile nature of relationships and anyone can end up in the situation you describe.

 

I’ve personally not been in a relationship for about 9 years and am not actively looking for anyone. I actually have a slight fear of them. I think of my life now where I have a great deal of freedom and very low drama, opposed to the life I used to have when I was in relationships. And look around you at most of the married people you know. The majority of them are miserable and that judgment you see is often them being jealous that you’re not as miserable as they are. I think it’s all about what a person is willing to tolerate and I have a very low threshold for being miserable. If a great guy comes along, I’d give him a chance but it’s not a high priority in my life. I’m more excited about what I’m doing in terms of work and writing. For me, that’s my happy ending.

 

None of us know what will come our way but just because you’re not with the love of your life doesn’t mean there’s no happy ending. I think it’s all about perspective.

 

I'm assuming you're a woman? I've never met a woman who has judged me for being a single bachelor in his mid 30's. The only judgements I've gotten for that is from other men.

 

Men are very very fearful of being lonely. Most of my married friends wouldn't know how to tie their shoes without their wives. When they pass judgement on me, it is out of genuine pity. A lot of men, even if they are in unhappy marriages, prefer the companionship to being single.

 

They simply don't understand it from someone like me who has to hack it alone for most of my life and learned to be independent and learned to move forward with life on my own.

 

Most women seem to be not be as afraid of being alone and also seem to be much more independent when it comes to dealing with life.

[brigit87]

I'm assuming you're a woman? I've never met a woman who has judged me for being a single bachelor in his mid 30's. The only judgements I've gotten for that is from other men.

 

Men are very very fearful of being lonely. Most of my married friends wouldn't know how to tie their shoes without their wives. When they pass judgement on me, it is out of genuine pity. A lot of men, even if they are in unhappy marriages, prefer the companionship to being single.

 

They simply don't understand it from someone like me who has to hack it alone for most of my life and learned to be independent and learned to move forward with life on my own.

 

Most women seem to be not be as afraid of being alone and also seem to be much more independent when it comes to dealing with life.

 

That's strange because your age and gender put you in a great dating position.

 

You can date women from 25-45.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I’m happily single with last really serious relationship nearly 6 years ago. I live alone and much prefer peaceful life to drama of relationships. Even good ones have more drama than being single does.

 

I have moved to a new city few months back. Close to 5 million people and not only do I not have an online dating profile anywhere, I have never even browsed any sites or apps. My interest in dating is zero. If someone really great comes along and sweeps me off my feet, I wouldn’t say no. But the bar is pretty high and I am not looking.

 

If you really want a relationship, consider any women that you think are interested in you. Regardless of how little interest you have in them. Just pick one that doesn’t repulse you. At your age you should have some options. That’s how most people over 30 get into relationships. It’s all about companionship and not being alone.

[Young mind]

Interesting point, but when you put finding love as the final key to unlocking happiness and satiety in life, it’s not the case for most people.

Several are happy to be single and other parts of their life be it, career, health, family substitutes partially if not totally for any couple pic of Facebook.

 

It’s true most people never find “true” happiness after a breakup, that’s only if true is finding love . In another spectacle, most people use that pain they experienced to be the best version of themselves, and nothing can ever take that away from them.

 

Our society makes us feel “less happy” if we do not have anyone to be with, but don’t be mistaken by the facade.

 

If you’re writing this in introspection,what you feel is temporary and your success whatever it might be is permanent

[bathtub-row]

There’s absolutely no shortage of heartbreak stories on this site alone. Break-ups, cheating, divorce, affairs, lies, abuse - and the list goes on. Romantic relationships are no picnic and you should at least acknowledge that before you decide that true happiness hinges on them. Is it nice being with someone? Sure. It can be. But don’t kid yourself - there are a slew of screwed up people out there just waiting to take your misery to a new level if you aren’t cautious.

 

I think someone else suggested it but if you need to be with someone that badly, then approach less attractive looking women. You might discover that they have a lot of depth and can be really fun to be with.

[Haru-no-yuki]

 

I think someone else suggested it but if you need to be with someone that badly, then approach less attractive looking women. You might discover that they have a lot of depth and can be really fun to be with.

 

Dating is a numbers game. Suppose you live in city with 3 million ppl, so 1.5m males and females. Maybe 25% in your preferred age bracket. Possibly 35% single.

 

That leaves 131k people you could date in your city. You just have to search hard for the diamond in the rough.

[Logo]

We live in a culture where the individual always wins in the end. He overcomes his disadvantages, circumstances through sheer hard work and gets his break and gets a happy ending.

 

There's always that tale of the guy or girl who gets heartbroken from a breakup. He/She goes through turmoil and a period of self-reflection. Then he/she finds himself via some new direction in life whether discovering a new passion or a new career or whatever it is. And through that, he/she regains self-confidence and a zest for life and when he/she least expects it, an ideal partner just walks into his/her life. Out of nowhere. Like a miracle. And happily ever after.

 

Except that doesn't happen for many people. How do I know? I'm one of them. And I also know people, both men and women in my life who are also in that boat.

 

Whether it's because they're past their prime and lost opportunities during their youth or because they're just not conventionally attractive and not having enough suitable dating candidates. The reasons are complex and life is unfair.

 

Sometimes life just sucks and a lot of times, good people don't have happy endings. Society likes to blame these people for "not having tried hard enough." But you would never say to someone who lost their battle with cancer for not having tried hard enough. You would never compare that person to another cancer patient who somehow won his battle with cancer. The reasons some people win and some people lose out in life are complex.

 

Western culture likes to put blame on people. Somehow, it's always because you didn't try hard enough. But some people have truly been broken by their experiences and just don't have the heart anymore. Other people due to their circumstances just aren't in a position to "try harder." You never know what it's like in another person's shoes and it's far too easy to pass judgement.

 

 

 

 

I don't want to make assumptions so my questions are just an attempt to better understand what's going on.

 

 

 

Do you have the means to go on vacation right now? Any disposable income? It might be that all you need is a change of scenery and a break from all that is going on around you.

 

 

 

I mean this seriously -- it's the only metaphor I could think of right now -- imagine you're a sunflower; what you're looking for is a few rays of sunshine to nourish yourself. And all you need is a little boost to give you the energy to steer yourself in the right direction.

 

 

 

If I'm close in my response, great. If I'm not, I hope I can do better after you post your reply.

[Logo]

....................

Edited October 13, 2018 by Logo

[hope86]

To me this is the thing that stalls my healing process the most. Ok I journal, I do all the right things to heal, but then the burning question is unanswered...will I find a partner as good as my ex if not better. What if I don't? What happens then?

[Beachead]

We live in a culture where the individual always wins in the end. He overcomes his disadvantages, circumstances through sheer hard work and gets his break and gets a happy ending.

 

There's always that tale of the guy or girl who gets heartbroken from a breakup. He/She goes through turmoil and a period of self-reflection. Then he/she finds himself via some new direction in life whether discovering a new passion or a new career or whatever it is. And through that, he/she regains self-confidence and a zest for life and when he/she least expects it, an ideal partner just walks into his/her life. Out of nowhere. Like a miracle. And happily ever after.

 

Except that doesn't happen for many people. How do I know? I'm one of them. And I also know people, both men and women in my life who are also in that boat.

 

Whether it's because they're past their prime and lost opportunities during their youth or because they're just not conventionally attractive and not having enough suitable dating candidates. The reasons are complex and life is unfair.

 

Sometimes life just sucks and a lot of times, good people don't have happy endings. Society likes to blame these people for "not having tried hard enough." But you would never say to someone who lost their battle with cancer for not having tried hard enough. You would never compare that person to another cancer patient who somehow won his battle with cancer. The reasons some people win and some people lose out in life are complex.

 

Western culture likes to put blame on people. Somehow, it's always because you didn't try hard enough. But some people have truly been broken by their experiences and just don't have the heart anymore. Other people due to their circumstances just aren't in a position to "try harder." You never know what it's like in another person's shoes and it's far too easy to pass judgement.

 

I know how you feel man.

 

I think you've reached a crossroads in your life regarding the reality of what your life has been like. It has obviously been disappointing for you. I also think you're overwhelmed by your fears toward your future and your anger over your past and its all just worn you out.

 

I arrived to this point one night after years of being worn down. Only difference is back then it crippled my life. I was so depressed over this stuff, I wanted to eat a bullet. But, it was only then, when I felt I had nothing to lose, that my mind was empty enough to make sense of the mess in my head. I found myself asking questions like the following:

 

What are you going to do about it? How do you go on knowing all this? What's going to bring you peace? Joy? What's going to get you out of that bed tomorrow morning?

 

Maybe, this may help you

 

- Beach

Edited October 14, 2018 by Beachead

[Borntoelevate]

I agree with the OP on this. I think some of us will never fully heal. Though, I believe there are degrees of healing. I don’t buy into the maxim that “time (alone) heals all wounds”, because a previous ex of mine never fully healed from our break up. I believe the more easily you can find someone as good or better than your ex, the easier it is to get over them. Unfortunately, this isn’t always easy to obtain. I believe we can achieve a greater level of healing if we are proactive about it (reciting positive affirmations, being more social, being active etc.) but, how much more these things will help heal us, I don’t know. I hope that none of us

 

I am hoping to achieve a ‘functional’ level of healing (perhaps 60% healed). That is to say, I am hoping to be able to heal to a level where I can function without having to take a break because of sadness over my ex (at the moment, sometimes I need to have an “off day”). I honestly don’t believe I can heal 100%, nor even 90%, without the assistance of a new SO (whether they knowingly or unknowingly help me heal - their companionship will be what’s most important). At this stage, I’ve been with a few women, but being with them has proved to be merely a distraction, as opposed to making me forget about my ex. Once they leave, I feel alone again.

 

I can’t place a percentage on how much I’ve healed (it’s been 7 months now), but I know I am definitely still not over her. I’d say I am about 40% healed – I have the energy to meet new girls, I am physically active (gym), I have my moments where I am positive but… I think of my ex every day, I wake up still feeling very depressed (but I tend to get better over the day), I still feel constantly lonely with a heavy heart longing for her, I don’t feel enthusiastic/passionate about much (if anything at all), being social is something I force on myself (I don’t want to go out but I force myself to go). I pray to God in the hope that one day I will be as happy as I was before I met my ex.

[Rotn'roses]

Love is EVERYWHERE in this world, so if someone cannot find it, it may be because they aren't even looking very hard or deep around them. The sun loves on the planets, the moon lovingly and unselfishly reflects the suns rays at night, not asking for its own personalglory, just content to share the suns bounty with us. The bees love the flowers sweet pollen and the nectar of a honeysuckle loves to yield its treasure to the butterflies and hummingbirds. The wind loves to rustle the trees leaves and lovingly caress our tired faces on a hot summer day. The snow loves to stick to the ground and the spring loves to bring forth its gold in exchange for summers green foliage. The smile of a stranger, the gentleman who holds the door at the bank, the church congregation that sings in unison on Sunday morning, the spinning of the Earth...teaches us without a single word, that there is Love everywhere our senses can find it. I hope that in the face of feeling unloved by your help mete, that my prayer for you will convince you that Love is filling up your life, even when darkness wont let you see it. God bless.

[DontBreakEven]

At this stage, I’ve been with a few women, but being with them has proved to be merely a distraction, as opposed to making me forget about my ex. Once they leave, I feel alone again.

 

Can I ask you why this is?

 

Is it because you're only 40% healed, so pretty much no new SO at this point will get you to 100%? Or is it because the women you've been dating, you just aren't into enough for them to actually make you forget? I've always been curious about this. Like would ANYONE be able to make you forget right now? Or you just haven't met that person?

[Borntoelevate]

Can I ask you why this is?

 

Is it because you're only 40% healed, so pretty much no new SO at this point will get you to 100%? Or is it because the women you've been dating, you just aren't into enough for them to actually make you forget? I've always been curious about this. Like would ANYONE be able to make you forget right now? Or you just haven't met that person?

 

Honestly I think it’s a combination of both. I think this is how it works:

 

The more you heal, the less specific do the girls have to be in order to enable you finally reach that 100% (or near 100%) healed level. The more you heal, the range of girls that you naturally find attractive becomes wider. This has been my experience so far, I think. I’ve started to notice a few more features about the women I date, that I actually find attractive. I don’t recall seeing these before (or at least I didn’t notice them as much).

 

Whilst I hope I can meet that dream girl, I still doubt I’ll meet anyone that will be able to get me to 100% healed though.