He says he loves me, but we aren't official.

October 12, 2018

Hello

I have always been told I get into my own head too much and that I have nothing to worry about. However, I have come from two very toxic relationships and I am learning how to date a "normal" man. Here's the deal. We met, and we had no intention of falling for each other but it just happened. I have two young children that I have not yet introduced him to because we aren't ready yet. We have been dating for about four months. The other night he had a couple of drinks (liquid courage) and he told me that he wanted to tell me something but that he didn't want it to become a thing YET. He then told me he loved me. I am unsure if that was his way of letting me know how he feels so that he doesn't lose me. I just know that we wanted to take things slow, and we are. Here's the thing, we haven't had the conversation of whether or not we are official. My best friend says that if he says he loves me, then we are bf/gf. I don't like to assume, but I also don't want to scare him off by asking. He is the sweetest guy I have ever dated. I am so happy with him. I just need some kind of confirmation. Another thing, is when I compliment him, he says that he isn't that great of a guy. He thinks he does nothing for me. I just don't get him sometimes. I just need a little input here. Maybe someone can see something I'm not.

October 12, 2018

Hello

I have always been told I get into my own head too much and that I have nothing to worry about. However, I have come from two very toxic relationships and I am learning how to date a "normal" man. Here's the deal. We met, and we had no intention of falling for each other but it just happened. I have two young children that I have not yet introduced him to because we aren't ready yet. We have been dating for about four months. The other night he had a couple of drinks (liquid courage) and he told me that he wanted to tell me something but that he didn't want it to become a thing YET. He then told me he loved me. I am unsure if that was his way of letting me know how he feels so that he doesn't lose me. I just know that we wanted to take things slow, and we are. Here's the thing, we haven't had the conversation of whether or not we are official. My best friend says that if he says he loves me, then we are bf/gf. I don't like to assume, but I also don't want to scare him off by asking. He is the sweetest guy I have ever dated. I am so happy with him. I just need some kind of confirmation. Another thing, is when I compliment him, he says that he isn't that great of a guy. He thinks he does nothing for me. I just don't get him sometimes. I just need a little input here. Maybe someone can see something I'm not.

4 months is plenty of time to be in a relationship and be bf/gf. Have you had sex yet? Do you know for sure he's not dating others? That should be clear by now. I would say it's time to clarify this if you're not sure, but the areas bolded above are concerning.

When a guy tells you he isn't great and isn't good enough for you, you should believe him. Huge red flags. I'd tread very carefully.

October 12, 2018

Drunk I love you aren't worth much. I would not put any value into it until it's said with a clear head. At 4 months it's normal you're starting to be concern with your status. Why not bring it up yourself? Just tell him casually that you're having a amazing time with him and you're only seeing him, then listen to what he says. If he feels the same toward you he'll hurry to reassure you. If he's full of excuses like 'I am not ready', then you know this might be just a fling for him.

As for putting himself down in front of you it might just be he's insecure about a particular facet of him. Is it possible you earn more than he does, have a better job, or simply have your life on a better track than he does? If yes he needs some encouragement that he's your man because you love him for reasons a,b,c and he makes you feel safe, important, etc.

October 12, 2018

You two have been dating for 4 months--you are well past the initial point where these things start to crumble, so something is compatible between you two, else it wouldn't have gotten this far.

I think if he's telling you he loves you, then it's time for you and he to have a talk about what the next step should be. However, if he is using as his excuse:

he isn't that great of a guy. He thinks he does nothing for me.

then he may not be capable of the depth of connection that you're seeking---and quite frankly, if he's saying this about himself--and he knows himself better than you do--then he's giving you a really loud, really red flag; and you should not let not wanting to be alone be what talks you out of keeping your eyes open for inconsistency and go along with his "not so great of a guy" treatment.

October 12, 2018

he told me that he wanted to tell me something but that he didn't want it to become a thing YET. He then told me he loved me.

There is a difference between wanting to take things slow and not wanting to even be a "thing". Then he proceeds to tell you he loves you?? In my experience that sort of declaration actually means something, and usually comes a step after dating exclusively or being in a relationship for a while.

The fact that he said that after he told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you yet, leads me to believe that he only said it to keep you hanging around longer.

Had he said he cared about you and liked you instead of the word love, it would have sounded more believable, but his choice of words sound hollow and fake in light of the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

My best friend says that if he says he loves me, then we are bf/gf. I don't like to assume, but I also don't want to scare him off by asking.

Exactly my point, you might assume that, if not for the fact that he said he didn't want that to happen "yet". I think he was pretty clear that you are not in a relationship. The only thing you absolutely must clarify is whether you are both free to see other people because if he is sleeping with other women, that potentially puts your health at risk.

As to how genuine he is, I really don't know? I personally would be suspicious of anyone who admits that he isn't a good guy. Perhaps he is just a confused individual that doesn't know what he wants and fears commitment? Perhaps he is secretly freaking out over the fact you have kids? Or maybe he just wants to keep seeing you until he meets someone else he prefers, then he can just stop seeing you with a clear conscience because you were never really a "thing" and he already warned you that he wasn't a good guy anyway.

It sounds like you really like this guy, but you don't want to be stuck in limbo for too long, if a committed relationship is what you really want. He may be worth the wait, but there is enough valid concerns here to give you pause for sure.

Good luck.

October 12, 2018

Not everyone has "the talk of exclusivity" If things are going great, he probably assumes you two are already official.

if he is expressing himself that he "love/cares about you or is falling for you", then you expressing exclusivity sure as hell isn't going to scare him off.

October 12, 2018

4 months is plenty of time to be in a relationship and be bf/gf. Have you had sex yet? Do you know for sure he's not dating others? That should be clear by now. I would say it's time to clarify this if you're not sure, but the areas bolded above are concerning.

When a guy tells you he isn't great and isn't good enough for you, you should believe him. Huge red flags. I'd tread very carefully.

Yes we have had sex. I know for a fact he isn't dating others. When he says he isn't a great guy, I just feel that it's more him being humble. He is a very sweet, humble, and intelligent man. We both got out of relationships in March. Like I said we never expected to meet each other, let alone fall for each other.

October 12, 2018

Drunk I love you aren't worth much. I would not put any value into it until it's said with a clear head. At 4 months it's normal you're starting to be concern with your status. Why not bring it up yourself? Just tell him casually that you're having a amazing time with him and you're only seeing him, then listen to what he says. If he feels the same toward you he'll hurry to reassure you. If he's full of excuses like 'I am not ready', then you know this might be just a fling for him.

As for putting himself down in front of you it might just be he's insecure about a particular facet of him. Is it possible you earn more than he does, have a better job, or simply have your life on a better track than he does? If yes he needs some encouragement that he's your man because you love him for reasons a,b,c and he makes you feel safe, important, etc.

He wasn't necessarily drunk when he said it. However, I feel the same way about waiting for him to say it with a clear head. I know that he isn't seeing anyone else. I have never trusted someone so much before when it comes to dating. He has never given me any reason at all to not trust him or doubt him. I truly feel safe with him and believe that he has my best interest at heart. I should also mention that I am 30 in March and he is 43.

When it comes to putting himself down, I wonder if his ex made him feel less than worthy. I do have a better job. He is very old fashioned and maybe he worries that I am materialistic like his ex? He is realizing that I am not. I definitely encourage him and let him know he is valued and appreciated. Especially in acts of service and words of affirmation.

October 12, 2018

Not everyone has "the talk of exclusivity" If things are going great, he probably assumes you two are already official.

if he is expressing himself that he "love/cares about you or is falling for you", then you expressing exclusivity sure as hell isn't going to scare him off.

I have wondered the same thing. Maybe he just assumes. I get so nervous around him and in such a good way. I feel like a teenager again. I also forgot to mention, which might be important, he also asked me to meet his mom. Which means a lot because she is dying of cancer.

He is very genuine in the things he says. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it.

October 12, 2018

There is a difference between wanting to take things slow and not wanting to even be a "thing". Then he proceeds to tell you he loves you?? In my experience that sort of declaration actually means something, and usually comes a step after dating exclusively or being in a relationship for a while.

The fact that he said that after he told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you yet, leads me to believe that he only said it to keep you hanging around longer.

Had he said he cared about you and liked you instead of the word love, it would have sounded more believable, but his choice of words sound hollow and fake in light of the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Exactly my point, you might assume that, if not for the fact that he said he didn't want that to happen "yet". I think he was pretty clear that you are not in a relationship. The only thing you absolutely must clarify is whether you are both free to see other people because if he is sleeping with other women, that potentially puts your health at risk.

As to how genuine he is, I really don't know? I personally would be suspicious of anyone who admits that he isn't a good guy. Perhaps he is just a confused individual that doesn't know what he wants and fears commitment? Perhaps he is secretly freaking out over the fact you have kids? Or maybe he just wants to keep seeing you until he meets someone else he prefers, then he can just stop seeing you with a clear conscience because you were never really a "thing" and he already warned you that he wasn't a good guy anyway.

It sounds like you really like this guy, but you don't want to be stuck in limbo for too long, if a committed relationship is what you really want. He may be worth the wait, but there is enough valid concerns here to give you pause for sure.

Good luck.

I guess I should have clarified. When he said that he wanted to tell me something but that he didn't want it to become a thing yet. What he meant is that he wanted to tell me he loved me. But he doesn't want us to say it all the time, yet. He wasn't referring to a relationship.

October 12, 2018

4 months is plenty of time to be in a relationship and be bf/gf. Have you had sex yet? Do you know for sure he's not dating others? That should be clear by now. I would say it's time to clarify this if you're not sure, but the areas bolded above are concerning.

When a guy tells you he isn't great and isn't good enough for you, you should believe him. Huge red flags. I'd tread very carefully.

Yeah agreed. OP, i thought you were just feeling insecure and unsure and that he is a slow mover but then i read that part. My general opinion of guys who say stuff like yours did in reference to you/the relationship are a big red flag for the health of the relationship. They are typically trying to lower your expectations so they can offer you less and less, f*ck up but it's ok because you've been "warned". It's all implicit most of the time but you moving forward with him means you do it under these new conditions, lower expectations, i.e. you will pay for it by not addressing it/backing off if he cannot show you his best and retract that statement. Also it often goes hand in hand with a guy who fails himself/insecure but with a chip on his shoulder/false bravado for not doing his own best in life, both overall and for sure with you. I think a guy who is afraid of losing you or who does not want to lose you would never say something like that. They would get their sh*t together and STFU until they do. Tread very carefully.

October 12, 2018

I also agree huge red flag.

He is probably hiding something.

Also "love" is a great tool and many men know it.

Why aren't you official after 4 months, why doesn't he want to make it a thing yet? What is stopping him?

Assume nothing here.

Eyes and ears open.

Be careful.

October 13, 2018

Hello

I have always been told I get into my own head too much and that I have nothing to worry about. However, I have come from two very toxic relationships and I am learning how to date a "normal" man. Here's the deal. We met, and we had no intention of falling for each other but it just happened. I have two young children that I have not yet introduced him to because we aren't ready yet. We have been dating for about four months. The other night he had a couple of drinks (liquid courage) and he told me that he wanted to tell me something but that he didn't want it to become a thing YET. He then told me he loved me. I am unsure if that was his way of letting me know how he feels so that he doesn't lose me. I just know that we wanted to take things slow, and we are. Here's the thing, we haven't had the conversation of whether or not we are official. My best friend says that if he says he loves me, then we are bf/gf. I don't like to assume, but I also don't want to scare him off by asking. He is the sweetest guy I have ever dated. I am so happy with him. I just need some kind of confirmation. Another thing, is when I compliment him, he says that he isn't that great of a guy. He thinks he does nothing for me. I just don't get him sometimes. I just need a little input here. Maybe someone can see something I'm not.

OMG, this sounds like the guy I was with recently. Maybe it's the same guy. Whatever the case, he's bad news. These are signs of a commitment phobe and a sign he's throwing you crumbs by telling you he loves you already, to keep you around. Very likely he's just using you for convenience. I'd be concerned about him possibly seeing other women as well.

October 13, 2018

The last guy that kept coming around for some "fun" I guess would tell me how we werent dating, how he was just creating memories for me to look back on when he was gone, how good he was at being bad, that he was seriously as lousy as he acted towards me and around me...but oh...he loved me the day I left town and could have cared less that I was in no shape to be dating or wanted to date for that matter...I just thought he was someone my ex used to have come by our home once in a while for a few seconds and I wanted to nail him for spying on me for my ex...I only saw inside of this new guy but I should have believed everything he told me instead. Men dont lie about who they are I guess...if they tell you something, it is best to believe them. Be careful if he says he isnt that great...he is warning you not to put him on a pedestool and that you wont be getting all your needs met by him. Men are usually very astute and can read women who are inexperienced or naive and I feel its their way of warning us that they may not be our prince charming.

October 13, 2018

Hello
I have come from two very toxic relationships and I am learning how to date a "normal" man......I have two young children that I have not yet introduced him to because we aren't ready yet.

Alpha fuccks (before the age of 30) Beta bucks (epiphany at 30 years old), retrospective cuckoldry of a beta man,aka "learning how to date a "normal" man" raising the kids of past Alpha lovers, aka "I have come from two very toxic relationships"

The type of men that were invisible to her in her teens and early 20's are now suddenly attractive to her at the age of 30, after she had children with the allegedly 'toxic' yet arousing men in her teens and twenties (so arousing she didn't have time for contraceptives)

You are not learning to date a "normal" man, it's a program that runs in every woman,consciously or subconsciously : it is now necessitous that you date the normal,reliable or loyal guy as your peak youth, beauty and fertility fades, he is merely a utility of your sexual strategy. Soon after marriage sex with him would be boring and infrequent, you will probably start having affairs with same toxic type that got you pregnant in your 20's

When he discovers that you have 2 kids (I presume from 2 different men), it will be in his best interest to dumb you then. He is not wanted but needed. Think about, a man who had to learn to love a normal woman after years of dating toxic whores...

October 14, 2018

Alpha fuccks (before the age of 30) Beta bucks (epiphany at 30 years old), retrospective cuckoldry of a beta man,aka "learning how to date a "normal" man" raising the kids of past Alpha lovers, aka "I have come from two very toxic relationships"

The type of men that were invisible to her in her teens and early 20's are now suddenly attractive to her at the age of 30, after she had children with the allegedly 'toxic' yet arousing men in her teens and twenties (so arousing she didn't have time for contraceptives)

You are not learning to date a "normal" man, it's a program that runs in every woman,consciously or subconsciously : it is now necessitous that you date the normal,reliable or loyal guy as your peak youth, beauty and fertility fades, he is merely a utility of your sexual strategy. Soon after marriage sex with him would be boring and infrequent, you will probably start having affairs with same toxic type that got you pregnant in your 20's

When he discovers that you have 2 kids (I presume from 2 different men), it will be in his best interest to dumb you then. He is not wanted but needed. Think about, a man who had to learn to love a normal woman after years of dating toxic whores...

OP--go look up Derrick Jaxn on YouTube--he's recently put out a new book talking about this very rhetoric here.

October 16, 2018

Alpha fuccks (before the age of 30) Beta bucks (epiphany at 30 years old), retrospective cuckoldry of a beta man,aka "learning how to date a "normal" man" raising the kids of past Alpha lovers, aka "I have come from two very toxic relationships"

The type of men that were invisible to her in her teens and early 20's are now suddenly attractive to her at the age of 30, after she had children with the allegedly 'toxic' yet arousing men in her teens and twenties (so arousing she didn't have time for contraceptives)

You are not learning to date a "normal" man, it's a program that runs in every woman,consciously or subconsciously : it is now necessitous that you date the normal,reliable or loyal guy as your peak youth, beauty and fertility fades, he is merely a utility of your sexual strategy. Soon after marriage sex with him would be boring and infrequent, you will probably start having affairs with same toxic type that got you pregnant in your 20's

When he discovers that you have 2 kids (I presume from 2 different men), it will be in his best interest to dumb you then. He is not wanted but needed. Think about, a man who had to learn to love a normal woman after years of dating toxic whores...

Your thinking is very sad. I am sorry for you. He already knows I have two children.....from the SAME father. Judging by your post, the "toxic whores" you dated probably weren't toxic. It sounds like you are the "toxic" one. Your "advice" means nothing to me

October 16, 2018

have you two agreed to not see other people? if so then you are official

October 17, 2018

I think that I may have poorly written my post. I was in a hurry to get it finished and I should have given more detail about our "relationship".

This guy, is a wonderful person. I'll give a little bit of history of how we met. I had a very good friend of mine who is my mother's age that I introduced to my mom. After almost three years of them dating, I met one of his very close friends of 15 years. That would be the person I'm seeing today. He is sweet, funny, outgoing, humble, motivated. We had both gotten out of a relationship in March. We never expected to meet. We met because I planned a surprise party for my mom's boyfriend. The guy I'm dating and I texted about a week to a week and a half planning the party without ever meeting each other. We didn't plan to fall for each other.

I know he loves me, I've seen it even more since I wrote this post. We spend the majority of our time together while my kids are with their dad. I met his mother this past Saturday who happens to be dying of cancer.

He never said he didn't want to be with me. He just said he wanted to take things slow. Which is the whole reason why I am unsure of whether or not we are "official" or not. I don't want to pressure the good thing we have going on by confronting him on whether or not we are an official couple. He has not once given me a reason to think he doesn't want to be a part of my life. I have never felt so appreciated by a man before. Part of me thinks that when he turns down my compliments by saying he isn't a good guy, I don't think he means he is a ****ty person. Part of me wonders if he was brought down a lot by his ex, who was a very materialistic person. He was raised on a farm, and by his single mother who had him at 17. He is a man's man, and has a good heart. I feel like a lot of the responses here are assuming that this guy is not a good person. I know deep down that he is. I'm just curious about the whole title thing. How do I approach that with him? I get so nervous.

And to the guy who passive aggressively claimed that I am a "toxic whore" who has had children by different men......I am not a toxic person. I have never cheated on anyone, abused anyone, or misused anyone. I have a heart of gold and I would do anything for anybody. My problem is that I've given so much to the wrong men. While yes, this was a learning process....it doesn't define who I am. This guy I'm dating gives me hope and makes me feel like I'm 16 again. I just want to love and be loved. I want someone to meet me half way. My past relationships are what makes me question everything!

October 17, 2018

A few things jump out at me. You're having sex with a guy who said he loves you, but you aren't sure if you're exclusively dating him. That's a problem. At some point, a guy will make it known he wants to be exclusive with you or want you to be his girlfriend. Does he call you his girlfriend?

Something else important is that he was drunk when he said he loved you. It's entirely possible he regrets saying it or didn't mean it. The phrase "taking it slow" can sometimes be a way to keep you at arm's length. It can be a way to keep the relationship from progressing. The truth is that a relationship should develop organically. You can say you want to "take it slow" all day long but, in the end, the relationship will develop naturally. I think that people sometimes use that phrase, "taking it slow," to carry on in relationships they aren't really serious about. There are definitely some red flags around this relationship that are concerning, so I understand your confusion.

What I would do is have a conversation with him and address the fact that he said he loves you. I think you also need to ask him if you wants to be exclusive. After four months, if you're too scared to ask him if you're in an exclusive relationship, that doesn't really bode well for the future. You should be able to ask someone that after four months. That's not being pushy. That's just clarifying where things are going.

October 17, 2018

Part of me thinks that when he turns down my compliments by saying he isn't a good guy, I don't think he means he is a ****ty person.

Based on experience, whenever a man tells you that he isn't a good guy, it is always a bad sign. He's not saying he is a bad man but it may mean that he is trying to tell you that he is emotionally unavailable/incompatible to you. He tells you this because he knows his capabilities and limitations and this is his passive way of warning you of his shortcomings. Do with it what you may but at the end of the day, he cautioned you and you took no notice of it.

Sign In

He says he loves me, but we aren't official.

Recommended Posts

dfenn0321

hippychick3

Gaeta

kendahke

Scarlett.O'hara

smackie9

dfenn0321

dfenn0321

dfenn0321

dfenn0321

Versacehottie

elaine567

Fair

Rotn'roses

Jamess1

kendahke

dfenn0321

alphamale

dfenn0321

BC1980

Zahara

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...