Is the first year supposed to be this hard?

[wanderlust0130]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm new here and so grateful a community like this exists. I've recently married my partner of 5 years (same sex relationship) this past August and I guess I didn't really understand what 'they' (whoever they is, anyway) meant by saying the first year of marriage is the hardest. As I sit here and write this I can confidently say, the first month(s) of marriage are the hardest. It's been hard sexually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We just moved (two weeks ago) from where we had been living the past 5 years (SoCal- where I grew up) to Central Oregon, a new town where we know only a few acquaintances, so we've been spending an unusual amount of time by ourselves as we adjust to the move and get into the groove of things.

 

Our sex life hasn't always been great (it was in the beginning) but over the past couple of years it's definitely dwindled. When we do have sex, it doesn't feel good. I feel like I'm broken or something. I am actually repulsed by sex and have been for a while. I don't know if it's just her, or if it's just issues I'm having in my own head. But, the sexual attraction level is zero. Right now, I'd be fine if we never had sex again. I feel horrible even writing this but I have to get it off my chest. Thank god for anonymity.

 

Our political beliefs are extremely different. I wont get into politics here but I'm a snowflake, and I'm proud to be one. Her family is the exact opposite of that which has rubbed of on her. We had a conversation the other day about a business venture I want to start that's a female based community and to make a long story long, she cut my idea down saying I was sexist, and that females essentially already have enough rights as is.

 

She has a controlling nature to her that is becoming more and more clear. Constantly asking who I'm texting, what I'm looking at on my phone. Got upset with me the other day because I don't take enough pictures of her on my phone and when we're doing things. We went to a wedding this past weekend and was upset that I wasn't dancing close enough. Got mad at me on our honeymoon because I wouldn't go out in the ocean far enough and somehow this made me ruin Maui for her.

 

I guess marriage makes you look at things under a different microscope. I guess the fact that our relationship is signed, sealed, and delivered (and now bound by law) encourages one to take a different inventory.

 

I'm scared. Sometimes I'm scared I made a mistake. I'm scared that I got married too young (I'm 26). I'm scared that I didn't date more. I'm scared that this is it for me. And it's not the fact that "this is it" that makes it scary, it means the way if the way I'm feeling right now is permanent, that's frightening.

 

Would love insight from other newlyweds, or people in similar situations that can make me feel less horrible about myself.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess marriage makes you look at things under a different microscope. I guess the fact that our relationship is signed, sealed, and delivered (and now bound by law) encourages one to take a different inventory.

 

Quite the litany of flaws, events and challenges. But what do any of them have to do with marriage?

 

You've let resentments build and conflicts go unaddressed for 5 years. To blame a wedding two months ago seems misguided.

 

If all these problems existed, but you weren't married, would you be happier?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Based on what you have described, your wife sounds quite unreasonable and controlling. It's not hard to imagine why your desire for sex has gone away and you are questioning your decision to spend the rest of your life with this woman.

 

Perhaps, your concern is not related as much to "marriage" as it relates to compatability and other things that are important in relationships but seem to be lacking based on what you have described - like trust, respect, communication, companionship, and fun!

 

Full disclosure, I'm not married but I am in a serious relationship. My relationship has had good and bad times, as the stress of life has intruded on our relationship at times.