somuchmusic Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Hello. Thank you everyone for reading this. I feel I need second and third opinions about this sensitive situation. My mom has as sister and that sister has a couple of kids. The boys are a few years older, my female cousin Lily is slightly younger than me. My aunt's husband is simply put - not a nice man. He is a super successful business man with no filter, he is unpleasant, cocky, offensive (but in a charming, not a primitive way), he is super stubborn and people basically leave the room when he enters cause he always starts these arguments with people where he tries to make them look dumb and himself look super intelligent and knowledgable. One year we were virtually in the same room when my birthday came up at midnight, everyone wished me a happy birthday but he just continued watching TV (not that I care, I could care less about him). However, he's been a bully with his kids their entire lives, telling them they are stupid, useless (I dont think there was any beating apart from what you would expect in a traditional Christian family - these were different times). This is why neither of his kids today are financially independent and they still live off of his money. They can't stand him, but need him. And my aunt is so in love with her husband she doesn't see what he's doing. Recently she has expressed her concerns about Lily. Lily is pushing thirty, has no post high school education, she's been living in her parent's other apartment, mooching off of her on and off boyfriend who in my opinion is not a good person and prefers her staying in this state because there is no way she would want him if she had a shred of self/esteem (he told her she was only good for sex and no other man would ever want her for anything else). She is quite attractive, and a nice person, but she has a bad temper and easily snaps. She doesn't take care of herself, quits every job she ever gets and I feel she has basically given up on herself. My aunt has asked me for advice since we do hang out, I think they are the main problem but I can't tell her that. I have no idea how to help her, I tried talking to her, getting her to a shrink would be mission impossible and it would again have to be her father who pays for it. They are constantly arguing and at times I am afraid it might get physical, they also say terrible things to each other. Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Hi, somuchmusic, However well-meaning your aunt may be, she is wrong to put you in the middle of trying to resolve all the problematic dynamics of all the members of her own family. On the other side, though, if you do take on that role, then your aunt as a right to expect you to be honest and direct with her - in a kind and loving way - about what you see as contributing to the problems. Otherwise, how can you aunt address the roots to fix them? You could suggest to your aunt that, while you're not qualified to offer the kind of the help that they all need, she might want to do some research in family-of-origin dynamics, parent-adult children relationships, assertiveness, healthy relationship boundaries, constructive communication skills, 'how to have difficult conversations with people you love', etc. It's not on you. It is on your aunt to follow up, to get her own life in order and to help her children get their lives in order...or not, if they decide not. (It's their free-will decision and choice; not much you can do about that, one way or the other.) Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 I dont think there was any beating apart from what you would expect in a traditional Christian family. Kind of an ironic sentence when you think about it. somuchmusic, there's no one keeping your cousin in this golden prison except her. At some point, it becomes silly to blame bad life choices, dysfunctional relationships and poor job prospects on mom and dad. Many adults, starting with much less, have gone on to do much more. Be there for your cousin as a good friend and sounding board. Like any and all of the rest of us, her way forward is hers to decide... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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