How to cope after being cheated on?

[Blinksy]

Hello, I've posted my story here before but I just dont know what to do anymore.

 

So, I've been with my ex for 1 year and 8 months with some small breakups and stuff. In august when we had a small breakup she met a friend of her boss online and they've been chatting since then. When we got back together I asked her to cut that connection with him as a sign of trustif she really wants to make this work and trust her again. She assured me it is nothing with him because he lives ina different country and there's nothing I have to worry about. I trusted my guts and didnt took her words for good. At this point I couldnt invest anything more in the relationship because I was waiting for her to do something to gain my trust again but instead she did nothing. I kept telling her to cut all the coms off with that guy but she kept insisting that is nothing and I shouldnt worry. On september the 16th we went to the mountainside for a trip. While she was at the bathroom in a gas station I peeked in her phone to see if their relationship advanced. And it did. To the point she was telling him that she cant wait to see him and wishes she could wakeup next to him. At this point I broke up with her and the next day started the NC. Last night we exchanged all the stuff we had at eachother's place and I managed to guess her fb password and looked trough her messages. I cant describe the pain and anger I felt reading those messages where she said to him the exact same sweet words that she was saying to me... Prior to that she told me she would go to a cabin to relax and have fun with a FWB of her. But instead, that guy flew here to see her and they spent all days together from october 1st till now and they were all inlove kissing and saying I love you every minute and stuff. I still have messages of her begging me for sex and that she still have feelings from me while she was with him and I showed him that so he wont get cought in this cheater's trap (I actually feel sorry that he fell in love with a sociopathic cheater). Last night I confronted her after finding those messages, got into a fight, pulled her hair really hard and I dont know how I managed to control myself from not hitting her and do something worse. Now, my problem is that I'm so angry and at the same time I still love her. I know 10000% that I dont ever want her in my life and wont ever try to get back with her but I still love her and miss her. What can I do to ease that pain and anger that I feel now. She has a history of cheating but I was too dumb and blind and didnt wanted to accept that she'll ever do that to me. I begged her not to do that to me, that I'll be devastated and she still didnt cared and carried on. What do I do to ease this?

[Nachocheese]

Posted this in another forum. I’ll post it here again.

 

I am somehow going through the same process. 5 year relationship. 3 weeks engages. Emotionally cheated and is now flirting with that guy (started 3 weeks after breakup).

 

Here are some advices. This really helped me (I felt the self respect and the leap into moving forward).

 

1. Be honest. Accept that you are HURTING. Self esteem can plummet down.

Being dumped hurts like hell. Being cheated on HURTS like HELLx100. Just like you, I also thought I was strong enough. I am a very independent guy (my work, health and hobbies are good). I thought I could just push through this experience with logic. (Everything happens for a reason, I will be a better person because of this experience, its her loss not mine, I dont deal with cheaters, etc) - these make sense and are most likely true BUT it does not remove the fact that you are the one that was left with a shattered heart. In order to move on.. we must really look and accept the fact that we are the ones hurting. We cannot pretend otherwise.

 

2. Dont look for love from someone else (especially a cheating ex). Love should come from INSIDE you.

Accepting the fact that you are hurting and that your heart needs healing will make you see things clearer. You will see that it is necessary to focus on yourself and help your heart to heal! Self improvement is a way of healing.. but it is not enough. True healing happens when you finally decide to LET GO and genuinely focus on your wellbeing. Imagine yourself as another person who is injured and weak. It is your job to take care of that person. You want him to stand up again and be happy. Why? Because only then can he(you) start thinking and giving “love” to other people again (can be your ex, a new girl, family and friends).

 

What helped me was cutting her off from social media. This finally removed our final connection. NO MORE GAMES. If she wants me, she can contact me anytime (Honestly, it does not matter what she is/will do). I have done my part.. its time to take care of myself now.

 

3. Be thankful for the experience of breakup and being cheated on.

Yes, be thankful! I am a man and I am so thankful that I experienced this. She is my first love and my first relationship. The break up, being cheated on and being engaged for 3weeks is quite traumatizing. But I am a man and in the end I will rise up and not give up on me. We will learn from this experience (Please, we should!). We will be stronger and have a deeper understanding of how life works. Through this experience we will find out that this is not something we want our future partner to experience. Be a better man. Be strong. Be thankful. Learn.

 

“When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become.”

Look straight ahead - beyond the cloud of pain, discomfort and confusion of the present. Look forward and understand there are only better days, my friend.

 

All the best to everyone. F*** heartbreaks )

[Blinksy]

Thank you nachocheese. I know I have to focus on myself and dont give a crap about her but I just cant at this moment. As much as I hate her I still love her. I dont epect her to come back, even if she does, she'll hit a locked door but is still very had. I cant wait for the day when I can look back and dont feel anything, the day I'll be able to say that I'm fully healed.

[d0nnivain]

The pain of betrayal stings. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

At this point your best strategy is to learn from your mistakes. You knew she had a history of cheating. Going forward, don't date people like this. Also realize that you can trust your gut. You knew something was off & eventually that was confirmed. So trust your own instincts.

 

For now grieve the loss. In the future do not ignore red flags but also don't assume everyone is a cheater. Look at the evidence on a case by case basis.