Dec1000 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 My wife of 4 years, been together for 12 has said that our marriage is over, it has only been 5 days but she said that she has fallen out of love over a period of time and no hope of getting it back. We have just bought our first house together and 6 days after moving in she tells me. I had notice her behaviour was withdrawn for a few weeks before, so I asked a few times what's wrong and the last time she then told me. We have 2 boys together 6 and 3 and for their sake she wants me to stay and play happy familys, living together but separate, I have told her that I'm not giving up that easy but in the mean time make like all is fine for the kids, I would prefer this rather than living apart as I love her so much, as least I can still be close to her, we still sleep in the same bed, as I go to sleep much erlia than her, i can't take the sofa and I wouldn't want her to. There is no anger between us. It's so hard, I come home from work and there is my wife and kids, but I can't touch her, kiss her or hold her, this is breaking my heart. I need to win her love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Check your phone bill. If she has a boyfriend you'll probably find his number there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 (edited) Indeed. It sounds like she wants you to continue paying her bills, she wants to stay in the new house, while she explores other options. There is no other reasons why a woman would suggest such a ridiculous idea. Think long and hard before you agree to this plan. She's hoping that the love you feel for her and the hope you have for reconcilliation will cause you to make an emotional rather than a rational decision. Her plan makes good sense for her, but there is no benefit for you. Edited October 13, 2018 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Move out and start doing your own thing and I guarantee she will want you back even if she has another dude in the picture. You being right there like a dog on the leash being denied treats is making you look beta as hell. Tell her if she doesn't want to put out you're moving out and I won't go without. Stand up for yourself and you will see a different wife. Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Terrible idea. Kids can sniff out false family displays of playing House. It seems your wife wants all the benefits of marriage, and all the freedom of being single. I would not rule out her having an affair of some kind. Tread carefully, I think things are going to get even more confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Do not move out! In some states it is considered abandonment, you could end up being responsible for paying the mortgage while she and the kids live there and you not be able to stay there. See an attorney to find out your rights. Also, do not be suckered into thinking that your wife is still your friend. She is an enemy to your family. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 (edited) Do not move out! In some states it is considered abandonment, you could end up being responsible for paying the mortgage while she and the kids live there and you not be able to stay there. See an attorney to find out your rights. Also, do not be suckered into thinking that your wife is still your friend. She is an enemy to your family. This. Exactly. First things first, you need to know the truth. It's highly likely that your wife has someone else that she is either sleeping with, or wants to be sleeping with. You need to know for sure because only then will you be able to make an informed decision. A woman doesn't just make a decision to leave her marriage so quickly. The fact that she has made a unilateral decision, that she is unwilling to consider working to save the marriage, and she has a plan are HUGE red flags. This site is littered with posts from men like yourself who present the same story, only to learn that their wives were not being honest with them... If she is otherwise engaged with someone else, she is not your wife anymore, she is not your friend. She is an enemy to your marriage and your family. It's unreasonable for her to think that she can "end the marriage" but maintain the family home. She says that she is doing it "for the children" but really, it is more likely that she wants to maintain her standard of living and have a backup plan while she pursues other options... So, get the truth from your wife. What has happened in your marriage/her life that have caused her to make this decision. Once you have all the information, you should definitely see an attorney before you make any decisions. Edited October 13, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Not a good idea. Here's what happened to someone I know. They divorced. There was a divorce settlement that he never paid because she didn't move out. A couple of years passed. Then she decided to go after him for the two years of divorce settlement and nearly put his business in bankruptcy. He'd been supporting her those two years, but because it was a legal agreement, she just went ahead and had her attorney go after him and it cost a fortune to stop the carnage and get resettled. Plus who wants to live with someone they don't get along with anymore? That's not good for the kids. That's teaching your kids not to opt to be happy and to just put up with bad behavior, etc. If you've been supporting her, you'll be paying child support. If you do 50/50 joint custody, she will be responsible for supporting herself more and your child support will be less. Link to post Share on other sites
GinON Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 I am new at this but here a my thoughts, This is about your kids learning to treat themselves with dignity and stay in control of their self worth decades from now. Say nothing about this to her: Talk to a lawyer, get the papers ready and be ready to serve her papers. Then, decide what you want, be certain, then tell her you want those things, be it marriage counseling, or whatever. If she says no, be respectful and kind and tell her you won’t live that way. Then pull the trigger with the lawyer and be prepared to never look back. If she turns around, your preferences are known, she has to meet them and you are in control of your future. Your kids get to see a person with dignity as long as you do this with respect and kindness they will respect you and themselves in their own lives. If she won’t be the partner you want, move on without making her decision affect your self worth. She will end up taking you to the cleaners but you don’t have to live miserable and your kids don’t either when they find a partner later in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 She says that she is doing it "for the children" but really, it is more likely that she wants to maintain her standard of living and have a backup plan while she pursues other options... Dec1000, this is exactly what's going on. This isn't about your kids, it about her desire to have a platform from which to launch some imagined new life. If you get deceived and hurt in the process, she sees that as acceptable collateral damage. Lots at stake here. Quit thinking she's the woman you've known and look to take care of you and yours - she's already doing that and several steps ahead of you. You've known about this for 5 days, I guarantee she's been planning this for much longer. Get an attorney and follow the advice given. Sorry this has happened... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 My wife of 4 years, been together for 12 has said that our marriage is over, it has only been 5 days but she said that she has fallen out of love over a period of time and no hope of getting it back. We have just bought our first house together and 6 days after moving in she tells me. I had notice her behaviour was withdrawn for a few weeks before, so I asked a few times what's wrong and the last time she then told me. We have 2 boys together 6 and 3 and for their sake she wants me to stay and play happy familys, living together but separate, I have told her that I'm not giving up that easy but in the mean time make like all is fine for the kids, I would prefer this rather than living apart as I love her so much, as least I can still be close to her, we still sleep in the same bed, as I go to sleep much erlia than her, i can't take the sofa and I wouldn't want her to. There is no anger between us. It's so hard, I come home from work and there is my wife and kids, but I can't touch her, kiss her or hold her, this is breaking my heart. I need to win her love again. First of all, buying a house isn't an overnight thing. I am sorry you went through the entire process and then were blindsided 6 days after you moved in. You may love her, but if I were in your shoes, I would be too angry to look her in the eye. It certainly sounds like she is either having, or thinking of having an affair. As far as "staying together for the kids", I (angrily) stayed married to my husband for 32 years "for the kids" (even after he cheated.) My girls did not have a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like, and therefore, I now have three grown daughters who have had nothing but dysfunctional relationships - one after another. Consult with a lawyer and do what is best for you and your sons (while she continues to try to get you to do what is best for her.) Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dec1000 Posted October 14, 2018 Author Share Posted October 14, 2018 Thanks, everyone for your advice, but I can't leave, how can I win her back if I'm not around to try but in the same breath, how will she know how hard life would be without me, if I stay. I don't believe that she is or thinking about an affair unless it was with a woman, wich I would have said was extremely unlikely, there are no men at her work or in her circle of friends and she doesn't have the time for that. She's just carrying on like normal, laughing, joking with her mother who's visiting, while I sit there, dead inside. So I got up and left the house for a couple of hours, when I returned, she didn't ask where I had been, just carrying on like we had nothing. chores or errands, I might have done before, she is just doing like she doesn't need me for anything anymore. I'm trying to compose myself and be cheerful when I can as I know she won't want to be with an emotional wreck although she know I'm struggling. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 Perhaps you can tell her that, in order for this to work (living separately under the same roof) you would like to go to marriage counseling together. At the very least, you should seek counseling for yourself, to help deal with this situation. At some point, there was love and an attraction between you. It is possible to get that back if you are both willing to work on it together. If there is no one else, and she wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of your children, I can only imagine that she would also be willing to try to make that coexistence more pleasant for everyone involved. Maybe you could do the leg work in finding a therapist, then invite her to accompany you, for the sake of the family. Link to post Share on other sites
GinON Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 Thanks, everyone for your advice, but I can't leave, how can I win her back if I'm not around to try but in the same breath, how will she know how hard life would be without me, if I stay... The theory of “how can I win her back” that I see is to make them understand what they have lost. You sitting there being miserable makes you a doormat. No woman will be attracted to that. Every minute you are miserable and accept it, you are making yourself even less attractive to her. Think about how attractive she would be if you told her what she told you and she just sat there fuming in silence, falling into despair and depression. She would look uglier every day, you’d resent her more and more. You are doing just that by not taking charge of your life.[/] Play this out in your head as if she has no reason to change unless you give her one. Begging, pleading, doing things to impress her will not work. You have to become attractive and love yourself before anybody will ever love you, it’s just a fact. Your gonna have to man up, and do it for you, if she loves what you become, great! If not, you’re happy anyway, it won’t matter what she does because you will know you are awesome and she becomes the lost soul that is missing out. Your kids will know you are awesome and feel sorry for the mom that seemed lost. Otherwise they are going to you sitting there, sad, depressed, pining away at something you can’t have. Work on yourself, become irresistible! Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 Playing the "pick me dance" trying to nice them back always seems to have the opposite affect. It tends to lower your status. Go your own way. I get you're in shock but most in your position seem to make the same mistakes. The world isn't going to end. Talk doesn't get you a thing. You can't make someone love you. Your actions maybe the only thing you have to work with. Needy clingy at this time will push her farther away. Distance seems to have the opposite effect from what I've seen. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 Why in the hell would you want to live in a sexless and loveless pretend marriage? Tell her to move back out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 (edited) Thanks, everyone for your advice, but I can't leave, how can I win her back if I'm not around. She's just carrying on like normal, laughing, joking with her mother who's visiting, while I sit there, dead inside. I got up and left the house for a couple of hours, when I returned, she didn't ask where I had been, just carrying on like we had nothing. chores or errands, I might have done before, she is just doing like she doesn't need me for anything anymore. Why would you want to "win her back?" Respectfully, I ask you to think about that. A woman who truly loves you wouldn't do this to you. She wouldn't be so callous, so unconcerned about your feelings, so hurtful. I have a friend who moved to another city, bought a new and expensive home with her husband, and never moved into the home because she decided that she wanted to leave the marriage before the home was even completed... Unbenownst to her husband, there was another man. He didn't see it coming either, and it took him about a year to accept the fact that his marriage was over. So, it does happen... I'm sorry that it is happening to you. It takes two to have a marriage... And right now, you are alone in your marriage. Your wife has already moved on. I'm sorry. Edited October 14, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 OP, Women with minor children rarely leave marriages unless they have a backup plan, and in this case, it's you. If you even remotely tolerate this, then what little respect she has for you will be gone. Stay in the house, lawyer up, and file for divorce. That is about the only way she will give you any respect, and maybe become more attractive to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dec1000 Posted March 18, 2019 Author Share Posted March 18, 2019 Like 6 months later, Im still in love with her, i have moved out, I am only paying child support nothing else. She is now seeing her work friend who is a woman. I am so low at this point I don't know what to think anymore. I did not expect any of this and truly heartbroken. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 (edited) You recently purchased a house. Where did the down payment come from? You may have a math problem rather than a marriage issue. You see, living together for any period of time would simply secure her 50% interest in the home equity. Your wife might not be the person you think she is. If the investment in that home came from anywhere other than her earnings then your issues are better served by a calculator than counseling. Take careful consideration because it sounds like your issue is either money or men. The dipolar nature of commenting out of the blue with: "I no longer love you and there is no hope of turning it around" is out of character for ANYONE who has even an ounce of human empathy. Real people don't hit the brakes that hard. Your wife is either not real, or in the surreal world of cheating. Update: Just saw your last post. This is not on you. You can't get down on yourself for being the victim of what was essentially a con artist when it came to that kind of identity. Edited March 18, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Like 6 months later, Im still in love with her, i have moved out, I am only paying child support nothing else. She is now seeing her work friend who is a woman. I am so low at this point I don't know what to think anymore. I did not expect any of this and truly heartbroken. I am sorry you find yourself in this position. Time will heal the heartbreak, I promise. I would recommend you seek IC to help deal with the heartbreak and disappointment of this difficult situation. Take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating healthy and exercising. The exercise, especially, helps with the depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 L She is now seeing her work friend who is a woman. Well, at least you now know what her statement declaring "she has fallen out of love over a period of time and no hope of getting it back" really meant. Hard to anticipate the same-sex angle but it sure seemed like she was being pulled somewhere else. Too bad she couldn't have been honest with you from the beginning. i have moved out, I am only paying child support nothing else. What is the legal status of your divorce? I assume you have an attorney, what advice is he/she giving you? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Like 6 months later, Im still in love with her, i have moved out, I am only paying child support nothing else. She is now seeing her work friend who is a woman. I am so low at this point I don't know what to think anymore. I did not expect any of this and truly heartbroken. Like everyone said her affair was going on before which is what prompted the end of your marriage. If you don't cut contact you'll remain in self imposed limbo. Time for you to wake up. Study the 180 but it only works if you apply it. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/495016-consolidated-discussion-no-contact-guide-no-contact-process-experience Link to post Share on other sites
gradh Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 Like 6 months later, Im still in love with her, i have moved out, I am only paying child support nothing else. She is now seeing her work friend who is a woman. I am so low at this point I don't know what to think anymore. I did not expect any of this and truly heartbroken. So sorry to hear this. I know EXACTLY how you feel except my husband refuses to acknowledge that he is gay/bisexual...I don't even know which and I don't care anymore. If you haven't yet, visit Straight Spouse Network Open Forum which is a support forum for straight spouses. They also have support groups you can go to or online individual support. Having this happen is so much worse than a normal cheating situation. At least is was for me. It made me question every single thing that ever happened in our relationship. Made me unable to look back at intimate moments without feeling like they were all a complete lie. Feel free to message privately if you have any questions or just need some support from someone who has been there. Link to post Share on other sites
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