Left with a major decision, need HELP

[unnamed]

My girlfriend and I broke up two nights ago. Well actually, she broke up with me.

 

We've had been seeing each other for a little over a year, and we have had a lot of rough times. There was a lot of fighting, down times, more than happy moments. Lately, I've started questioning my love for her -- do I really love her, or do I just care a lot about her? And also, if she will be the one that I marry?

 

We discussed this, and obviously it bothered her. And, the night we broke up, I went on pornography (a few hours before we brokeup, though). I've had an addiction for 5 years now. It is not every day however; maybe once a month, sometimes every other month. But I always get drawn back into it, but then I leave it for a long time...

 

Anyway, I told my girlfriend that I went on and then she broke up with me. It was like, "I can't be with somebody who's always hurting me and who doesn't even know if they love me." But all along, I've been telling her that it is an addiction. It doesn't just dissapear one night. And I tell her that I'm not perfect, which I believe she wants me to be.

 

So she left me. I didn't fight it. I just walked away, took it at that. I didn't want to chase her.

 

Today, she wrote me a letter basically saying she cannot be with someone like me. But, why? I mean, she already told me that last night, is she trying to dig at me even more or something?

 

And she's bothered a lot that I didn't pay much attention to her at school today. My justification was that she made a decision last night, I accepted that decision, now I'm just trying to move on and leave it behind me.

 

But tonight she called me complaining that I didn't stop by her house after, like I usually did, to work things through. She accuses me of not caring for her. Again, my reasoning was that I'm just trying to move on. I care for her deeply, but until she recognizes that I am no more than a human being, I am subject to wrong decisions, choises, broken promises, etc., I refuse to get back together with her. And also, she accuses me of not wanting to work things out, yet she's trying to extract irrelevant details of what happened the other night; i.e., what I saw, what I was thinking, etc. I told her that it is my business, not hers. And I refused to tell her.

 

And even if she does recognize what I am, I don't know if I want to get back together with her. She asked me to be with her again tonight, but I said I would have to think about it. I just think I need some time off. We have many other problems too, and I'm wondering if it would just be best to end it once and for all.

 

I'm in a rut here. I don't know if I should go back to her, or if I should stay single for awhile, or just move on. I have not found it entirely difficult to manage with this, but that's probably because it hasn't hit me yet.

 

Geez. I mean, she keeps wondering why I'm "moving on", yet she tore down all the pictures she had of me, and even took off the ring I gave her. It seems that this is all my fault. I opted to work through my problems, with the hopes of overcoming the addiction. I guess she just sees it differently.

 

And she's saying she wished she'd never met me... I'm a complete failure to her. I basically feel forced to go back to her, but I'm unsure what to do.

 

Sorry for such a long post!

[kikie]

I think you should move on. She definitely has some MAJOR problems (e.g. not letting u jerk off) ... and esp. since u've been questioning your love & there's been SO much fighting and all ... sounds to me u'd be happier single ... go have some fun, date some gals, maybe that'll drain the "oh no, she has had bfs before" out of your brain along the way ...

 

GOOD LUCK~~~

[Tony T]

I haven't heard someone as confused as you in a long time. However, I can say that you are not in love with her and she's not in love with you. The two of you should part and go your separate ways.

 

Your post is full of contradictions. But mostly you make a compelling case for calling it quits because you really don't care all that much for her and she wishes she had never met you.

 

The way you write about her is not indicative of someone who really loves and cares about somebody. Forget the whole thing and move on. You'll remain confused for a while but in time, things will be lots more clear.

 

Read your post...very carefully...line by line. Analyze each line you wrote. You have answered your own post.

[Miss Mojo]

YOU WROTE:

 

I don't know if I should go back to her, or if I should stay single for awhile, or just move on. I have not found it entirely difficult to manage with this, but that's probably because it hasn't hit me yet.

 

everything in your post screams, "MOVE ON"!. i just can't get my head around the fact that this girl gets upset by you being 100% normal - masturbating, looking at porn once a month...she is the only one offended by this behaviour, and she doesn't have the right to tell you to behave any other way. i have never met a girl who reacts to badly to behaviour like this....it's her problem now.

 

There was a lot of fighting, down times, more than happy moments

 

red flag number 1! that statement actually says so much more than you would think. that statement is one of the main reasons (among others), that you should cut your losses and move on. a relationship that has more bad times than good ones, is totally unproductive and a waste of precious time. yes, you have learnt some major lessons in this relationship, and of course you have had your good moments, but to get back with her would put you in an even bigger rut.

 

Lately, I've started questioning my love for her -- do I really love her, or do I just care a lot about her? And also, if she will be the one that I marry?

 

another red flag! when we start to question our love for another person, it's usually our inner voice telling us we're not ready to "settle down", and most likely, not with that person. around half of all first marriages these days, end in divorce. i would suggest some serious shopping around first...i don't necessarily mean sexual relationships, i mean date other people until oneday you find that person who just lights up your life.

 

Today, she wrote me a letter basically saying she cannot be with someone like me. But, why? I mean, she already told me that last night, is she trying to dig at me even more or something?

 

it doesn't matter why she feels she can't be with you. you should be glad that she told you....this gives you even more reason to move on. i doubt she's trying to dig at you...it's just a moment of truth. you guys really do seem emotionally incompatible.

 

And she's bothered a lot that I didn't pay much attention to her at school today. My justification was that she made a decision last night, I accepted that decision, now I'm just trying to move on and leave it behind me.

 

We have many other problems too, and I'm wondering if it would just be best to end it once and for all.

 

yes. you should end it. there's too many problems that you will never work through - never.

 

she keeps wondering why I'm "moving on", yet she tore down all the pictures she had of me, and even took off the ring I gave her. It seems that this is all my fault.

 

And she's saying she wished she'd never met me... I'm a complete failure to her.

 

everyone gets upset when a relationship ends, and everyone deals with it in their own way. it's not your fault she tore up pictures, and it's not your fault that she has to carry on like a child by saying things like that. the only person who is a failure to her, is herself. she's let herself be affected in this manner, you did not force it on her. she won't feel this s***ty forever...she'll see sense in a few days and realise this is for the best. i've laid the "i wish i never you met you", line on someone before. it's just ridiculous, because if i wish i never met them, then why did i stick with them??? it was my decision, and if it was a mistake, so be it.

 

i guess the point i'm trying to make is don't get back with her. you have given yourself every reason in your post to not get back with her. it's not a healthy relationship at all....so why go back to something so unhealthy??? be fair on yourself here. re-read everything you wrote a few times, and the answer will jump out just as clearly as it did when i read it.

 

life is supposed to be teaching us things, lessons we'll need later on, or which help us develop strength of character and maturity. just try and look at this as one of those lessons. you will be confused for a short while, but i would suggest to NOT make any big decisions for a long time yet.....and being on your own can be the best medicine after an unhealthy relationship.

[LJ]

Girls like to feel like they are wanted....they like to be pursued. She is wanting you to initiate a make-up. When you do not and she is missing you then she feels like you do not & did not care for her. I think it is fair to her to tell her what you are thinking and feeling becuase only through discussion can you come to terms with what is going on. That is the only way to know if you can stay together or if you need to part. If you share with her it will make it easier on the both of you no matter what you decide to do. Also is she upset because you watch porn? Most men watch porn sometimes. Has she tried watching it with you? Maybe explain to her what you like about it. I do not think it is unhealthy unless you cannot do anything else but watch it or if you cannot have sex without watching it.

My girlfriend and I broke up two nights ago. Well actually, she broke up with me. We've had been seeing each other for a little over a year, and we have had a lot of rough times. There was a lot of fighting, down times, more than happy moments. Lately, I've started questioning my love for her -- do I really love her, or do I just care a lot about her? And also, if she will be the one that I marry? We discussed this, and obviously it bothered her. And, the night we broke up, I went on pornography (a few hours before we brokeup, though). I've had an addiction for 5 years now. It is not every day however; maybe once a month, sometimes every other month. But I always get drawn back into it, but then I leave it for a long time... Anyway, I told my girlfriend that I went on and then she broke up with me. It was like, "I can't be with somebody who's always hurting me and who doesn't even know if they love me." But all along, I've been telling her that it is an addiction. It doesn't just dissapear one night. And I tell her that I'm not perfect, which I believe she wants me to be. So she left me. I didn't fight it. I just walked away, took it at that. I didn't want to chase her. Today, she wrote me a letter basically saying she cannot be with someone like me. But, why? I mean, she already told me that last night, is she trying to dig at me even more or something?

 

And she's bothered a lot that I didn't pay much attention to her at school today. My justification was that she made a decision last night, I accepted that decision, now I'm just trying to move on and leave it behind me. But tonight she called me complaining that I didn't stop by her house after, like I usually did, to work things through. She accuses me of not caring for her. Again, my reasoning was that I'm just trying to move on. I care for her deeply, but until she recognizes that I am no more than a human being, I am subject to wrong decisions, choises, broken promises, etc., I refuse to get back together with her. And also, she accuses me of not wanting to work things out, yet she's trying to extract irrelevant details of what happened the other night; i.e., what I saw, what I was thinking, etc. I told her that it is my business, not hers. And I refused to tell her. And even if she does recognize what I am, I don't know if I want to get back together with her. She asked me to be with her again tonight, but I said I would have to think about it. I just think I need some time off. We have many other problems too, and I'm wondering if it would just be best to end it once and for all. I'm in a rut here. I don't know if I should go back to her, or if I should stay single for awhile, or just move on. I have not found it entirely difficult to manage with this, but that's probably because it hasn't hit me yet. Geez. I mean, she keeps wondering why I'm "moving on", yet she tore down all the pictures she had of me, and even took off the ring I gave her. It seems that this is all my fault. I opted to work through my problems, with the hopes of overcoming the addiction. I guess she just sees it differently. And she's saying she wished she'd never met me... I'm a complete failure to her. I basically feel forced to go back to her, but I'm unsure what to do. Sorry for such a long post!