Sex Buddies Understanding

[cplfun13]

OK, guys please help me understand this concept and how it begins. How do you become sex buddies with someone? Are both parties aware of this arrangement? Do you just call each other up and ask them to come over and its understood that its for sex only then you leave? Do you have more then one buddy? How did you become this way with someone. Have sex one time then while laying there say hey lets just be sex buddies? How common is this? My partner had a few sex buddies in his past but is uncomfortable with the discussion of it. I would love for someone to educate me on this life style. Its odd to me. I'm just unfamiliar with that lifestyle. I cant imagine or relate to a sex buddies conversations before, during, after? Is it an open sex lifestyle that they have? Is that it? Do you have rules? I am intrigued...

[tolongaway]

I don't think there is a general rule. I have only had one sex buddy. She was a long time friend and we were both lonely at the time. Neither of us thought the other compatible for a long term relationship and we only saw each other once every 2 or 3 weeks. I used to stay over at her place and we went out with mutual friends. Sometimes she had dates and sometimes she didn't. When she didn't we may or may not have had sex.

 

We were close enough to be comfortable with each other and be comforted by each other but we werent lovers. It was very casual.

[cplfun13]

So it wasnt something you talked about, it was just a silent understanding between you?

[bluechocolate]

I think what you'll find is that most f*** buddies or friends with benefits were once dating or in a relationship together. Most of these arrangements are one sided. I believe only a few of them are just two adults enjoying sex for the sake of it.

[reservoirdog1]

My experience with FWB was with a woman I'd known socially for years. We hooked up right after I split from the XW. We were at my place fooling around, and given that I'd just separated (and had been out of dating practice for 11 years), I told her I couldn't offer anything serious or concrete. She said, "that's OK, I don't want anything serious either." Et voila... FWB.

[alphamale]

My experience with FWB was with a woman I'd known socially for years. We hooked up right after I split from the XW. We were at my place fooling around, and given that I'd just separated (and had been out of dating practice for 11 years), I told her I couldn't offer anything serious or concrete. She said, "that's OK, I don't want anything serious either." Et voila... FWB.

I agree....this type of relationship "just happens". That is my experience in the past and it is usually an understanding between the two parties involved. An understanding that is usually not talked about and if it is talked about it is kept non-serious since the relationship is also non-serious.

[Gold Pile]

She couldn't find a guy that met all her criteria. I was dateless (I swear it's true!) for long time.

We decided that it was OK to comfort each other in the mean time.

 

The first time felt wronge somehow. We were friends for so long.

 

She decided to call it off. Later, as her original circumstances hadn't changed she decided to try again. This led to a wonderful year of fun.

 

The hard part was when the ultimate in a compatible guy found her.

we ended the sex and unfortunately thought it best to end the friendship.

Because tech speak we were lovers.

[whichwayisup]

That's the problem with FWB, eventually one gets feelings and other doesn't. Unless each person is the kind to be able to separate sex and emotion, it doesn't last too long.

 

Be honest upfront and discuss the good and bad of becoming sex buddies...

[Mary3]

I agree with all the previous posters.

 

Its just something that evolves to that point.

 

One or both want no committment ( sadly one scenario is : the dumpee stays with the dumper and they keep having sex because the dumpee does not want to let go ) and so voila FWB ! ( As an example )

[fishtaco]

I've had a couple of FWB relationships with previous ex's. One I wasn't sure, we just had sex and that was it (she has a tendency of not telling me stuff, even when we were dating). The other one she wanted to get back together with me, just like Mary3 said. I originally wanted to not get into FWB with her to help her move on, but one of my friends told me I shouldn't be making that sort of decisions for her, just be honest and let her decide. I thought it made sense so I went along with whatever she wanted, which ended up being FWB.

 

I'm currently in a FWB with someone that I haven't dated before for a change. Like previous posts said, it just kinda happened. Both before and after the first time, she told me she only wants FWB. And like bluechocolate said, this one is one-sided... I actually want something more. But I'm in the middle of adjusting my feelings to fit FWB. As long as she doesn't change her mind later, this might turn into one of those less common FWB where it isn't one-sided.

[Love2share]

I would never consider having a serious relationship with a man who admits that he has a sex buddy, or multiple sex buddies. The arrangement displays a lack of moral and decentcy. Like many other posters have already said, it usually happenes when two people break up and one person can't let go. It's selfish. It degrades the body into a sex object. I would not want a man who is capable of degrading a woman as a sex object. That's cold hearted, even if she is willing to lower herself for him.

 

You mentioned that he is uncomfortable talking about his previous sex buddies. That is not surprising!! Most of the time, feelings DO get involved one way or another. They have to, otherwise, the two people would have to be like animals or robots. Kind, mature, loving, and honest people can't carry on this way without developing emotional attatchments. Conflicting interest arise. Feelings are confused. It can be difficult, and annoying to explain to a person who isn't involved and who has never been low enough to engage in such destructible behavior.

 

Where does the sex buddy go when a person decieds they want to settle down and commit to someone? Very rarely do they disappear. Most of the time, "Once a sex buddy, always a sex buddy." They simply linger in the background until the next booty call. It takes a real mature person to END this type of relationship COMPLETELY. Unfortunately, the whole relationship has to be severed in order for them to really commit to anyone else. Otherwise, the possibility of sex will always be there.

 

It's much easier to get rid of a prostitue (male or female) than it is a sex buddy. And the biggest problems occur when faced with the decision to end the FWB relationship(S). It's a terrible, terrible situation.

[Mary3]

Very Powerful message Love2Share. For those of us who have been or are thinking about being in a FWB while still considering finding someone to be serious ...

 

Hats off to you for a great post

[cplfun13]

love2share, that was marvelous. Well spoken and greatly appreciated.

[fishtaco]

I'd like to respectfully disagree with Love2share. There are all types of people in the world, the important thing is to find someone that fits you.

 

There are people out there that can handle these sort of non-traditional relationships. I personally know a married couple that has an open marriage. Yes they both have sex with other partners. And guess what? they have been married for over 10 years, and their marriage up to this point is way better than many of my other friends' "traditional" marriages that ended in bitter divorce few years later. Their marriage is certainly much more happier than my own parents' marriage. I grew up watching them fight and blame everything under sun on each other.

 

I'm not saying that's the norm, but I am saying it doesn't have to turn into disaster.

 

As far as termination of a sex buddy relationship, I don't see how it would be worse than ending a normal relationship. In fact, it'd be easier since there were no promises to begin with. And I'm not just saying this because I'm a sterotypical a-hole jerk guy, and I want to bang them and leave them. I've been on the hurt side of things, in fact, that's where I am right now. Anyhow, I fail to see how this would be different than any other type of break-up.

 

And about a sex buddy lingering in the background. It's not that sex buddy is an issue. Being a cheater is the issue. A cheater will cheat with or without a previously terminated sex buddy. A non-cheater will not cheat even if the said sex buddy is begging for some bang bang. Again, I fail to see the issue here.

 

Love2share is against open relationships. Great, so I hope she never gets involved with someone like that. But there are a lot of other people (such as myself) that don't care. And there are a lot of people out there that prefer open relationships. Just know what you want, and find someone that fits you. Hurt will still happen, but it happens not because of open vs. traditional relationships, it happens for the simple reason that we're alive.

[Mary3]

I think that suggesting your wife by sleeping and having sex with other men ( multiple partners ) makes the marraige * better * is just silly. If you want to have sex with women or she wants to have sex with other men, then why are you married ?

 

I think it would personally hurt most emotionally healthy people to know that their husband or wife had his/her hands all over someone else.

 

I just either believe : be single and act like you are

be married and act like you are

 

I * get * that open relationships occur because someone is bored and cannot remain monogamous and that they find a partner that will agree to it but I think the only people that are justifying it are those who are participating in it.

 

How can it be better other than sexually ?

 

She risks getting disease, raped , disrespected, liable to stray permanantly, there just does not seem to be a winner in an open relationship.

 

I am going to guess you will disagree but if the desire to have more than one women is inside you , then live it but why be married ?

Right n

[TUDOR]

I would never consider having a serious relationship with a man who admits that he has a sex buddy, or multiple sex buddies. The arrangement displays a lack of moral and decentcy. Like many other posters have already said, it usually happenes when two people break up and one person can't let go. It's selfish. It degrades the body into a sex object. I would not want a man who is capable of degrading a woman as a sex object. That's cold hearted, even if she is willing to lower herself for him.

 

I too must respectively dissagree with this comment. While I do not condone open relationships or "cheating", a FWB relationship in general is a single persons arena. That being said some people enter into FWB's relationships not because a relationship has ended and one can not let go but rather there never was a relationship.

 

Some people can detach emotion from sex and like any other need one might have some people still need sex but may not want a relationship. It isn't about degrading anyone as sex object. If you are upfront about your intentions and both parties agree they just want the icing but not the cake what is so wrong with that? Make no mistake about it there are plenty of women and men out there who just want to get laid some times. Should they have to commit to a relationship or marriage just to get laid? I think not. I would rather see people be upfront about there need to just get laid than to enter into a relationship under false pretences just to get some, only to end the relationship and the other person get hurt.

 

The people calling it like it is and saying I just want sex are practicing better morals than those who lie there way into bed by promising I love you's and happily every afters. Is FWB's for everyone, not by any means, but don't be so quick to discount some one who has chosen to be honest about their intentions.

[Cupcake]

As far as termination of a sex buddy relationship, I don't see how it would be worse than ending a normal relationship

In your own words, the sex buddy thing is no different than a NORMAL relationship. You agree to open relationships. That's fine. But it's not NORMAL. A majority of people in this country wouldn't agree with it because of all the problems that have resulted from it. It's just as hard to end them because feelings get involved the same as normal relationships. But the sex buddy deal is soo much more painful because in the end, you realize how uncaring and cold it was to begin with.

And about a sex buddy lingering in the background. It's not that sex buddy is an issue. Being a cheater is the issue. A cheater will cheat with or without a previously terminated sex buddy. A non-cheater will not cheat even if the said sex buddy is begging for some bang bang. Again, I fail to see the issue here.

ALL cheaters agree with the sex buddy thing because.....well, it's right in their playing feild. And non-cheaters would DISAGREE with you big time!!!

 

Sorry for your obvious pain from being cheated on. I've been there too. You'll get over it.

[Love2share]

Some people can detach emotion from sex and like any other need one might have some people still need sex but may not want a relationship. It isn't about degrading anyone as sex object. If you are upfront about your intentions and both parties agree they just want the icing but not the cake what is so wrong with that? Make no mistake about it there are plenty of women and men out there who just want to get laid some times. Should they have to commit to a relationship or marriage just to get laid? I think not. I would rather see people be upfront about there need to just get laid than to enter into a relationship under false pretences just to get some, only to end the relationship and the other person get hurt.

I understand what you are saying, cause I once attempted this same mentality to prevent myself from being hurt. However, "PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT."

 

I've stated that I wouldn't want someone who is capble of separating emotions from their actions. When one grows accustom to doing the same things over and over to perfection, it's very difficult to change that behavior.

[TUDOR]

I understand what you are saying, cause I once attempted this same mentality to prevent myself from being hurt. However, "PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT."

 

I've stated that I wouldn't want someone who is capble of separating emotions from their actions. When one grows accustom to doing the same things over and over to perfection, it's very difficult to change that behavior.

 

I also understand what you are saying about breaking such a behavior. I do think there are mature enough people that can handle such a situation and not carry it over into a serious relationship when the time comes.

 

Kind of like being abused as child, doesn't mean you grow up to abuse your own children just because you were exposed to such an enviroment for years growing up. But hey, every one has their standards and if they work for you then by all means stick to them.

[Love2share]

Cplfun13, as you can see, the sex buddy issue causes a lot of conflicts. By now, you should have a clear idea of what sex buddies are, how they begin, how they end, and so on. The best advice I can give is for you to determine how you feel about the arrangement. Agree with it? Disagree? Don't care?

 

Anyone who agrees with it will always tell you it's okay. Anyone who disagrees will tell you it's bad.

 

Kind of like being abused as child, doesn't mean you grow up to abuse your own children just because you were exposed to such an enviroment for years growing up. But hey, every one has their standards and if they work for you then by all means stick to them

Being exposed to something and actually deciding to do something yourself are two different things. The example you used doesn't really apply to the sex buddy deal...you lost me here (with all due respect). Certainly, abused children won't necesarrily become abusers themselves. Maybe you mean abusers, as in the way I previously referred to abusing one's body as a sex object?? In that case, I still wouldn't recommend abusing other people, especailly if you have been abused yourself.

 

You mentioned people being mature enough to move on when the time comes. Well the problem is, both people aren't always MATURE on the same level even if they agree to specific actions. In the sex buddy thing, one person matures enough to end the relationship, while the other person has become attatched and wants to hold on. Most of the time, you don't have a choice how you want the situation to turn out. And that definately causes problems to other people you become involved with who have nothing to do with it; yet they find themselves suffering from somebody else's sex buddy mistakes.

 

"PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT" is more like saying, if you start engaging in destructive behavior, after a while, that will be the only thing you know how to do. When sex buddies become comfortable with those arrangements, it's difficult for them to transform into more cultivating, healthy, and loving relationships.

 

For all of us who are looking for great relationships, we shouldn't settle for anything as low as a sex buddy. Practice dating good people and being happy. Eventually, that's all we'll know how to do.

 

For all the sex buddy offenders, please stick to your own kind. Don't mingle with anyone who isn't like you. Practice being in shallow, non-loving relationships. Eventually, that's all you'll know how to do.

 

I wish we had two worlds. A world for those who are loving and kind. And a world for those who are hateful and cold.

[whichwayisup]

For all of us who are looking for great relationships, we shouldn't settle for anything as low as a sex buddy. Practice dating good people and being happy. Eventually, that's all we'll know how to do.

 

For all the sex buddy offenders, please stick to your own kind. Don't mingle with anyone who isn't like you. Practice being in shallow, non-loving relationships. Eventually, that's all you'll know how to do.

 

It isn't low if BOTH parties involved are OK with it. You can be a good person and still have a sex buddy! As long as both parties are single, why not? Doesn't make one shallow to have a sex buddy, doesn't make you a bad person if you have a sex buddy either...Just means that you're enjoying sex because you want it and aren't in a committed relationship at the time.

 

I don't believe "Eventually, that's all you'll know how to do" is true. This isn't like doing drugs and becoming addicted! I highly doubt those who have had FWB are addicted to this behaviour and that's all they do - Go from person to person just to have sex with.

[whichwayisup]

I wish we had two worlds. A world for those who are loving and kind. And a world for those who are hateful and cold.

 

Sorry, but that's kinda ODD. Comparing "sex buddies" as hateful and cold...

 

WWI and WWII were hateful and cold, Sept 11 was hateful and cold... Hurting somebody on purpose is hateful and cold. A person who kills another person is hateful and cold.

 

So is what you're saying people who have sex buddies are cold and hateful people? Just curious...

[fishtaco]

First to answer Mary3's post, I'm not saying open marriages are better, I'm saying it doesn't have to "not work". I'm sure percentage-wise open marriages fail as often as traditional marriages. I'm not saying one is better, I'm saying that's an alternative that could work for the right types of people.

 

In your own words, the sex buddy thing is no different than a NORMAL relationship.

 

Actually, that's not what I'm saying. My point was termination of a sex buddy relationship isn't any worse than termination of a normal relationship, in response to Love2share's comment about how FWB's are bad because ending it would hurt. My point was that it hurts anyway, but in sex buddy relationship, there is a possiblity that it would hurt less.

 

Sorry for your obvious pain from being cheated on. I've been there too. You'll get over it.

 

Wow, I hope that wasn't a personal attack.

 

I feel TUDOR's post already illustrated how cheating and open relationships are independent of each other. They are certainly not mutually exclusive, but one doesn't automatically mean the other. TUDOR stated that people engage in open relationships are actually being honest about what they want up front. That doesn't mark a person cheater. But if the person is up front to his mistress about the fact that he's cheating on his wife, well, then he's a cheater because he broke promises with his wife. It takes more than just engaging in open relationships to be a cheater.

 

My point was that there's no need to condemn open relationships; it could work for some people. But I think TUDOR's post was much better than mine to get this point across.

 

Did I mention I like TUDOR's post way better? I must have presented my arguments badly since I'm getting all these negative feedbacks. I'm saying basically the same thing as TUDOR -- It's not for everyone, but it's not the devil (waterboy reference... anyone? nevermind).

[TUDOR]

"PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT" is more like saying, if you start engaging in destructive behavior, after a while, that will be the only thing you know how to do. When sex buddies become comfortable with those arrangements, it's difficult for them to transform into more cultivating, healthy, and loving relationships.

 

For all of us who are looking for great relationships, we shouldn't settle for anything as low as a sex buddy. Practice dating good people and being happy. Eventually, that's all we'll know how to do.

 

For all the sex buddy offenders, please stick to your own kind. Don't mingle with anyone who isn't like you. Practice being in shallow, non-loving relationships. Eventually, that's all you'll know how to do.

 

I wish we had two worlds. A world for those who are loving and kind. And a world for those who are hateful and cold.

 

Practice does not make perfect and if you think you will find perfection in any relationship you are in for heartache. I firmly believe in live and let live but your constant degrading of those that chose to have FWB relationships is hardly fair. Maybe my example of abuse and FWB is was not on point but I think WWIU's comparison to drugs is.

 

I went through a divorce years back and was not ready to have a relationship for some time. But I still very much had needs, sexual needs. I had a friend in a similar situation who did not want a relationship but very much needed some physical attention. Thus our FWB relationship began. We where very open and honest about what it was and made every effort to make sure that neither of us got hurt along the way. We eventually were ready for more and agreed to stop the FWB so that we could go out start dating.

 

I found a wonderful women who I am now married to. I did not fall into some rutt of emotionless not commital sex as you described. I simple got myself by so that when I was ready I could give everything I have to offer to the right person and I did and will continue to do. For you to say because I particiated in FWB relationship or any other person that does is cold and hateful is pretty shallow.

 

I understand that is your opinion which your are entitled to but I also wish there were two worlds where closed minded people also had closed mouths and people could just live and let live without passing judgement from their holler than thou soap box.

[LauraBancroft]

Are you kidding me? Who are you to judge anyone for the relationship status quo?

 

If two people are involved in such a relationship and the ground rules are established up front and both parties agree to it then it does not make either person cold or hateful. I think you're completely clueless on this topic.

 

I have two friends, we'll call them Allen and Beth. Allen came out of a nasty relationship and had his heart torn apart, Beth is a college student about to graduate and has several commitments already. Allen meets Beth while she is out with friends and getting a drink. Allen and Beth spark up a conversation and hit it off really well, exchange numbers and began to talk. Beth feels lonely one night and invites Allen over to her off campus apartment. Allen goes with no ill intentions on how he can be cold or hateful to her. He arrives and they share time talking and having a little wine. Beth explains to Allen that she isn't looking for a serious commitment just some fun, Allen explains he is up for the same thing. Boom FWB begins. Understand? Still following?

 

People that do the FWB are not looking to get hitched, be hateful, or cold. They do it because they aren't looking for anything serious, and hell if you wanna get technical sometimes the FWB turns into something more serious down the line, but don't count on it. I do not think it is for you to come on here and say that people that seperate emotions and everything from a relationship of sex is harmful. It isn't. As long as both parties are in both agreement, mature, and can handle it. When one party can not handle it anymore then it is time to end it. That doesn't make the dumper a bad person, it makes the dumper a smart person. Also the dumper is not responsible for the hurt that they have caused to the dumpee. The dumpee knew the ground rules and therefor if they knew they couldn't handle it should not have gotten involved. Polyamorous relationships aren't for everyone and no one is certainly telling you to go have one but if they aren't hurting you then you shouldn't be concerned. I personally do not have a problem with it. I've done it in my past, I'm married now and get this to my very last FWB. So there you have it.