stay or go

[confusedinsf]

Been married 22 years 4 kids. Been in a relationship with another woman for 2 years now and want to move on but scared on the impact it will have on my kids. Then start thinking am i giving up on my marriage cause society tells me i am. My wife knows about the other woman and still wants to work things out. I have been unhappy for a while my wife has never really gotten along with my family does not cook at all and has become very boring in that she never wants to do anything alone with me. Now of course she does cause i have asked for a divorce.

I need of help.

[GinON]

Whoa man... all judgments aside,

There’s not much detail here but if you have any interest in saving your marriage, you need professional help to do it. Can you guys go to a counselor together?

You are not happy as a person in your own right if you have been having a two-year affair, I would guess. And your wife must be miserable if she’s willing to except you after that. My guess is you both need individual counseling and your relationship needs counseling together.

 

All that sounds harsh I guess but it’s a bleak picture from how you paint it to me.

 

Good of you to talk about it, it’s a start!

[Arris]

You're married with 4 kids, why are you confused?

 

 

As I read on here somewhere else in another thread.

None of those are reasons to carry on an affair.

 

 

How was the relationships with your family before you married?

Does she cause grief or drama, or just simply doesn't get along well?

What is her side of the story? Why is it her fault they don't get along?

Depending on your answer, how do you support her?

Do you enable or feed the fire? Do you mediate and stand by your wife or do you throw her under the bus?

 

 

I like the response above, seek some professional help. You have 4 kids and instead of worrying about finding happiness, live it. I don't know the exact context of her willingness to do things, but if she genuinely is making an effort, it doesn't matter why.

 

 

How well did you communicate to her? Did you sit and reason with her, or did you just blow up every time you asked to do something? Did you let her know what it means to you? Did you ask her why she doesn't do things?

 

 

I'm only scratching the surface, because the flip side is what have you done for her? If you want a change, sometimes you have to take the initiative and put yourself out there with no expectations.

 

 

This is the mother of your kids and someone you loved enough to marry, how do you honor that?

 

 

You should be worried about the impact to your kids. How much better for the kids would it be if instead of lifting some other woman up, you actually support and grow with their mom? What do you think it would mean to the kids?

 

 

I'm biased to protecting marriage, especially with kids. There's no excuse for cheating. See a counselor, but be honest and find the truth in things.

Learn what a family truly is. There is a ton of happiness to be found in your family, what do you do to make an improvement, every day?

 

 

If you're worried about what society may think, then there must be a ton of doubt in the choices you're making.

I'd be more concerned about what your kids and wife think.

I'm sure there are times when you must move on, but your mistake is cheating on your wife and kids. If moving on was such a needed thing, then you should have done it before you met someone else, before you even thought of someone else.

[Mr. Lucky]

Been married 22 years 4 kids. Been in a relationship with another woman for 2 years now and want to move on but scared on the impact it will have on my kids.

 

Worried about your kids now but no thought of the impact of cheating on your marriage when the affair started?

 

My wife knows about the other woman and still wants to work things out.

 

How did she find out? Giver your wife's desire to work things out, what have you told her about your intentions?

 

Chicken or egg confusedinsf, did you cheat because your marriage is bad or does your relationship suffer because your energy goes elsewhere?

 

Best way to figure out the future of your marriage is to end the affair, go NC with the other woman and be all-in on trying to be a good husband and father. At least then, if things don't work out, you know you gave everything. As has already been suggested, MC would be the first step towards repairing the damage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

Been married 22 years 4 kids. Been in a relationship with another woman for 2 years now and want to move on but scared on the impact it will have on my kids. Then start thinking am i giving up on my marriage cause society tells me i am. My wife knows about the other woman and still wants to work things out. I have been unhappy for a while my wife has never really gotten along with my family does not cook at all and has become very boring in that she never wants to do anything alone with me. Now of course she does cause i have asked for a divorce.

I need of help.

 

Society had nothing to do with you giving up on your marriage. Take full responsibility for your actions. I was your wife. My husband's affair was with my "best" friend two doors down. You can bet I didn't cook. I didn't clean. I was the main breadwinner, and when I found out about his affair with my friend while he was a SAHD, you can bet I checked out emotionally and expected him to fill his time with cooking and cleaning while I was out working to support the family. You did not mention the job or home duties and how you distribute them between you, but her not cooking should not be a deal breaker.

 

Also, she didn't marry your family. She married you. There could be a hundred reasons why she does not get along with them that you do not mention (how accepting have they been of her over the years?) That, also, shouldn't be a deal breaker in a marriage.

 

You have an obligation to uphold the vows you made to your wife. If she is willing to work on your marriage even after knowing you had an affair for two years, go to marriage counseling with her. Maybe there are some changes she needs to make. How would she know if you have never told her (but instead, sought solace in the arms of another woman)? Communicate with her (preferably with a marriage counselor to mediate.)

 

Oh, and while staying in a bad marriage (without work to improve it) can have a negative affect on your children, divorcing their mother will DEFINITELY have a negative affect (as will finding out their father cheated on their mother.)

 

Finally, stop the affair. How could you possibly know whether your marriage can be saved when you are having an affair?

Edited October 14, 2018 by vla1120

[elaine567]

Been married 22 years 4 kids. Been in a relationship with another woman for 2 years now and want to move on but scared on the impact it will have on my kids. Then start thinking am i giving up on my marriage cause society tells me i am. My wife knows about the other woman and still wants to work things out. I have been unhappy for a while my wife has never really gotten along with my family does not cook at all and has become very boring in that she never wants to do anything alone with me. Now of course she does cause i have asked for a divorce.

I need of help.

 

You want us to tell you it is OK to dump your wife and 4 kids so you can move on with this other women, is that right?

[confusedinsf]

Thanks for the responses appreciate them greatly as I have been to counseling and my wife and I have been to see our pastor and are going to see a marriage counselor next week.

A little more background my wife wanted to end things with me before we were even engaged cause my mom said she had problem spending money and would plan stuff for us to do as a family instead of going to a mall or shopping. That did not sit well. We moved on got through it. For almost every holiday or birthday on my side i have heard do i need to go and this has rubbed off on my kids at times. So that gets to me as then i hear it from my family about not getting together with them and my parents not seeing the grandkids or them not playing with their cousins.

Her mom got sick just after our first was born and suffered with dementia for several years before passing 6 years ago. She went into a dark place after her mom passed. I was there trying to get her help cause i saw it she never wanted the help said she had a great book from church that was really helping. She became colder and more to herself than ever. If i rolled over in bed to hold her she would push me off. She would never hug or kiss me. The final straw came when she laughed when my mom went to the emergency room on our sons confirmation day. That hurt that is when i turned elsewhere for comfort and it led to the affair. I told my wife at that time i wanted a divorce she said she would go for help get better she did get help and was better. My affair fizzled and i put my energy into my marriage things were good she then went back to being cold. So that took me back to my affair partner and filing for a divorce and telling my wife about the affair. She does not want to give up.

 

I am not asking for the ok to leave. I am seriously confused, do i need to keep bringing up divorce for my wife to not be so cold towards me.

[Ronni_W]

I am seriously confused, do i need to keep bringing up divorce for my wife to not be so cold towards me.

No, you should not have to keep threatening divorce just so that you wife will live up to her side of your marriage commitment and vows. Of course not.

 

As I understand it, your primary concern is how getting a divorce will affect your children. So, do your research around that. You can even go as far as consulting an age-appropriate psychologist,

to get his/her educated opinion. As well, Google 'effects of divorce on children of <x> age-group'.

 

Even so, living in the kind of environment that I'm envisioning that you and your wife are, together, creating within your household, I would offer that you can

also strongly consider if this is what you want to teach your children about love, romance, and healthy and constructive relationships.

 

Wishing you the very best.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am seriously confused, do i need to keep bringing up divorce for my wife to not be so cold towards me.

 

Why wouldn't your wife be cold to you? You've been dishonest, manipulative and selfish, do you expect her to welcome you with open arms?

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

A little more background my wife wanted to end things with me before we were even engaged cause my mom said she had problem spending money and would plan stuff for us to do as a family instead of going to a mall or shopping. That did not sit well. We moved on got through it. For almost every holiday or birthday on my side i have heard do i need to go and this has rubbed off on my kids at times. So that gets to me as then i hear it from my family about not getting together with them and my parents not seeing the grandkids or them not playing with their cousins.

 

There is nothing worse than a meddling in-law. You no longer live at home with mom and dad. They no longer have a say in your grown up life. If you gave even the slightest semblance of siding with your mother during this period, that was a betrayal to your wife. I suspect where there is smoke, there is fire. If that is the case, then your marriage started off on the wrong foot.

 

Her mom got sick just after our first was born and suffered with dementia for several years before passing 6 years ago. She went into a dark place.......The final straw came when she laughed when my mom went to the emergency room on our sons confirmation day. That hurt that is when i turned elsewhere for comfort and it led to the affair.

 

So, she lost her mom just when she was possibly also dealing with postpartum depression. I wonder if she felt she had a support system in place for her to help deal with this, or did she retreat to a dark place because she felt alone? (And yet, in her own hurt, she did not turn elsewhere for comfort.)

 

It sounds like the bad blood between your family and your wife is pretty serious. She married you, not your family. She doesn't have to like them and they don't have to like her. It sounds like she was trying to do the right thing by ending it before you got engaged. The resolution at that time would have been for you to commit to your wife and support her in that situation over your family. She is your wife, your chosen life partner. If she does not feel you have her back, that can take a toll on any marriage.

 

I am not asking for the ok to leave. I am seriously confused, do i need to keep bringing up divorce for my wife to not be so cold towards me.

 

You do need to recognize that, if she felt her marriage was not just to you, but to your mother or other family members too, then there are far too many people in your marriage, including the OW. How about you kick EVERYONE to the curb except the person who is listed on your marriage license, starting now? See your family on your own time. You also need to recognize that if she did, in fact, feel like you hung her out to dry and sided with your family over her, you will need to make a lot of changes to rectify that situation.