Wife almost cheated on me

[ExpatInItaly]

How did your wife get home from this party, OP?

 

You are correct that telling someone what to do when cheating occurs is different from actually experiencing it for oneself. However, you have to remember that you are speaking to several members who have been cheated on, and are speaking as former (or even current) betrayed spouses. Your situation is not so unique that people here can't understand because, well, many have been where you are now.

 

Talk to other parties involved if you want, but understand that you might not get the full story there either. You could try to match up some details but know that your wife and her friend have likely already concocted and agreed upon a story to tell you.

[simps0n]

My thoughts on this — her inhibitions were down, she’s bored with her sex life with you, an opportunity presented itself that intrigued her, then reality slapped her in the face and she snapped out of it. But she still feels guilty.

 

Not sure what you should do but if she did indeed stop herself, I’d say that was at least commendable.

 

I dunno if true or not, but at the very present moment your thoughts match mine completely spot-on.

 

How did your wife get home from this party, OP? ... You could try to match up some details but know that your wife and her friend have likely already concocted and agreed upon a story to tell you.

 

The party was actually very close to our place, so she came back home walking (7-8 mins). She was also accompanied by the other girl on most of the way back because they left the party together. They both have had excessive amount of alcohol but it seems they were capable to walk (so none of them vomited or had to be carried etc.).

 

BTW, I had a long heads-up conversation to get every single detail I could think of. I made it clear that was her last chance to share everything. I will share the key notes a bit later, but in general I still need to fill some gaps. Therefore, my next step would be to talk to the other girl.

[Haru-no-yuki]

Therefore, my next step would be to talk to the other girl.

 

Sounds like a huge effort. What's the point exactly? I see four key scenarios:

 

1. Your wife was lying to you:

a. You forgive her but knowing always she lied to you. Bad outcome

b. You leave her. Bad outcome

 

2. Your wife was telling you the truth:

a. You forgive her. She's angry with you for not believing her. Bad outcome.

b. You don't forgive her. In which case it didn't matter what your wife said.

 

Where's the upside from all your enquiring?

[40somethingGuy]

I dunno if true or not, but at the very present moment your thoughts match mine completely spot-on.

 

 

 

The party was actually very close to our place, so she came back home walking (7-8 mins). She was also accompanied by the other girl on most of the way back because they left the party together. They both have had excessive amount of alcohol but it seems they were capable to walk (so none of them vomited or had to be carried etc.).

 

BTW, I had a long heads-up conversation to get every single detail I could think of. I made it clear that was her last chance to share everything. I will share the key notes a bit later, but in general I still need to fill some gaps. Therefore, my next step would be to talk to the other girl.

 

 

Please remember most everyone here has been affected by infidelity in one form or another- betrayer or betrayed. I am well aware that you are in a state that has you confused and shocked yet trying to stay sane and play your cards right. My advice was exactly what I did in your situation which is I confronted the OM direct and accused him of things to get his side of it (and to confirm or not my wife's story). The message was most certainly that I am not the guy to mess with. You seem to allow your WW to meet this guy again. A message must be sent to him or your silence is approval. All this going to the GF etc will only allow their stories to get straight. Did you straight up tell your wife (calmly) that you believe she went further? Cheaters never give the 100% truth. If she only touched him and kissed him why did she even tell you? She went further and feels guilty. It is a shame you will allow this guy to not be confronted and find out what happened.

[simps0n]

Sounds like a huge effort. What's the point exactly? I see four key scenarios:

 

1. Your wife was lying to you:

a. You forgive her but knowing always she lied to you. Bad outcome

b. You leave her. Bad outcome

 

2. Your wife was telling you the truth:

a. You forgive her. She's angry with you for not believing her. Bad outcome.

b. You don't forgive her. In which case it didn't matter what your wife said.

 

Where's the upside from all your enquiring?

 

The reason I am posting here and seeking objective advice is to understand IF I have reasons at all to consider option 2a. I can live with her anger for not believing her for once.

[simps0n]

My advice was exactly what I did in your situation which is I confronted the OM direct and accused him of things to get his side of it (and to confirm or not my wife's story). The message was most certainly that I am not the guy to mess with. You seem to allow your WW to meet this guy again. A message must be sent to him or your silence is approval. All this going to the GF etc will only allow their stories to get straight. Did you straight up tell your wife (calmly) that you believe she went further? Cheaters never give the 100% truth. If she only touched him and kissed him why did she even tell you? She went further and feels guilty. It is a shame you will allow this guy to not be confronted and find out what happened.

 

I have absolutely no issue confronting the OM (as well as the institution he is working at as a teacher), but I am gathering enough information before doing so. I really believe that the timing is not good for me to go straight to him.

 

Imagine he and his wife are actually separated or in open relationship. I need to know this otherwise he can easily decide to mess with me and things can get ugly for everyone. Additionally, I prefer first to cross check the story with the other girl because my wife is "unable to remember" some bits, which might be crucial. I will follow-up with another post.

[elaine567]

Sounds like a huge effort. What's the point exactly? I see four key scenarios:

 

1. Your wife was lying to you:

a. You forgive her but knowing always she lied to you. Bad outcome

b. You leave her. Bad outcome

 

2. Your wife was telling you the truth:

a. You forgive her. She's angry with you for not believing her. Bad outcome.

b. You don't forgive her. In which case it didn't matter what your wife said.

 

Where's the upside from all your enquiring?

 

 

I agree.

You already know you have a big wound, but let's just pick and pick and pick at it, pull off any scabs and let it bleed and bleed and bleed...

To what end?

 

 

All these people you are going to ask have their own agenda, they are not obliged to tell you the truth or even speak to you. You are not the FBI.

She is your wife, she is the one who did you wrong, you need to sort it out with her.

[Mr. Lucky]

You are correct that telling someone what to do when cheating occurs is different from actually experiencing it for oneself. However, you have to remember that you are speaking to several members who have been cheated on, and are speaking as former (or even current) betrayed spouses. Your situation is not so unique that people here can't understand because, well, many have been where you are now.

 

 

Beyond that, many of us come also from the realization that, years down the road, we didn't handle our spouse's infidelity correctly or in a manner that gave our marriages or selves the best chance going forward. We rug swept, made excuses and/or accepted less than we should have.

 

In many cases, we are the future talking to you. Not everyone's experience is the same, but there are some simple lessons it seems BS in general have to learn over and over again. Trying to offer you a few shortcuts ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Why not do a polygraph?

 

That way you can see with evidence if your wife really remembers or is leaving things out purposely...

 

You really want to know IF she knows = polygraph!

 

Hate to say it, but polygraphs are a total waste of time. They tell you nothing except what that person is experiencing in that moment in time. I took a test years ago for a jewelry company I was going to work for. I told the truth and it showed I was lying. The particular question that I was supposedly lying about didn’t impact me not getting the job but, my point is, those things are incredibly inaccurate. If he gets a “lying” result from his wife, he’ll still be no more certain than he was before.

[Doorstopper]

Guys,

 

First of all, many thanks for your input. You are providing me with some objective observations that I hope will help me to continue.

 

Secondly, consider the difficulty of dealing with infidelity when it actually happens to you. It is very different to just reading/hearing other people stories (in fact, it happened to my best friend and I acknowledge that huge difference in perception). This shall explain any incorrect beliefs or making up reasons to defend your cheating partner (i.e. my drug rape theory).

 

 

You are posting your questions in a forum where the majority of us have actually had it happen to us. We have also seen spouses like you come on here and say "my spouse did this and that but that was all". I don't know what the actual stat is but in probably 80 to 90% of the cases, that was not all and a lot more happened. Whether or not your wife did more, may not matter. She clearly did enough to constitute cheating.

 

Pay attention to the advice given here. No one is trying to ruin your marriage. Your wife was sober enough to safely walk home after drinking and smoking and or injecting pot. There is no "horny" drug out there, forget about that nonsense. She did what she did on her own free will, though maybe the alcohol and weed loosened her inhibitions up a bit. These are all problems you need to confront head on. If you rug sweep this mess, it may only be a matter of time before it happens again.

 

BTW, you were a little vague. Did she come in and say this happened? or did you coax it out of her. In other words, if you said nothing , would she have said nothing?

[DKT3]

Hate to say it, but polygraphs are a total waste of time. They tell you nothing except what that person is experiencing in that moment in time. I took a test years ago for a jewelry company I was going to work for. I told the truth and it showed I was lying. The particular question that I was supposedly lying about didn’t impact me not getting the job but, my point is, those things are incredibly inaccurate. If he gets a “lying” result from his wife, he’ll still be no more certain than he was before.

 

Most of the time the way people react to being asked is more telling than the results. Its pretty common for sociopaths to easily pass polygraphs, and nervous people to fail.

 

Usually with wayward spouses controlling information is of the upmost importance, so if lying they will become combative if asked. Those that are better will agree, but will start to leak information in the Hope's that they can satisfy ones search for the truth without giving the more damaging information.

 

Polygraphs are valuable if used properly, thats why there is a term parking lot confession, but yes I agree the actual results are iffy at best..

Edited October 16, 2018 by DKT3

[bigman1]

Wow. What exactly is the point of finding out if the guy and his wife have an open marriage? You don't. What is the point of finding out if her story is true as told? She got high, participated in a threesone, but was not fully invested in it. Everything good now? Grabbed a little penis, kissed, watched, hung around till done and then walked homeward with one of the participants? Are you fine with that? Full on sex, are you fine?

 

Some questions are a sign of indecision. There is jonpurpose except to find out what question cannot be answered satisfactorily and then camp out there.

 

Polygraph are a tool. Do one. You can trust the results or give them light weight. I like to think of it this way, if I told you that you were going in a room with an angry pitbull and you could go in with nothing or you could take a toothpick. What would you do? Ans: take the toothpick, it may have some value as a weapon.

 

Maybe I misread.

[simps0n]

I agree.

You already know you have a big wound, but let's just pick and pick and pick at it, pull off any scabs and let it bleed and bleed and bleed...

To what end?

 

 

All these people you are going to ask have their own agenda, they are not obliged to tell you the truth or even speak to you. You are not the FBI.

She is your wife, she is the one who did you wrong, you need to sort it out with her.

 

If I go down the way of sorting things out with wife, the least I want is to rug sweep anything. Unfortunately, in her story she seems honest and confident only about the things that did not happen. She is unable to remember some details and that is really bothering me. I cannot live with the suspicion that something more may pop up at a later stage. Therefore, if I am to consider anything else than divorce, I am afraid I am left with the only option to cross-check the story with some of the others (or both). In that case I also have to buy their story because, as you say, they may not necessarily tell the truth.

[simps0n]

Polygraph is not an option I am considering yet. I feel I may be not well prepared to ask the correct questions.

[simps0n]

Did she come in and say this happened? or did you coax it out of her. In other words, if you said nothing , would she have said nothing?

 

She confessed on her own a couple of hours after the events. Apart from being a terrible liar, she is unable to keep secrets... She's been going through a severe postpartum depression for months and, if hidden inside her, such a major thing would make her suicidal, seriously.

[Haru-no-yuki]

Polygraph is not an option I am considering yet. I feel I may be not well prepared to ask the correct questions.

 

To make your wife take a polygraph is insane. I can't even fathom what people are thinking suggesting this.

 

Your wife is a free person, at liberty to do what she wants (within the law).

 

Either believe her or don't. If you don't then why bother being with her.

[bigman1]

She confessed on her own a couple of hours after the events. Apart from being a terrible liar, she is unable to keep secrets... She's been going through a severe postpartum depression for months and, if hidden inside her, such a major thing would make her suicidal, seriously.

 

More excuses for her. Date rape, now post partum. Dude, seriously?! Was she diagnosed and being treated for that by a doctor? Is random drug fueled sexual behavior a symptom of it?

 

Man oh man. If you want to stay with her, stay. Just be honest with yourself and her. Quit making excuses and face the known truth. She had sexual contact in a threesome. It is not a deal breaker for you, it just hurts. Embrace the hurt and move forward. I am not being sarcastic.

 

Once you face the brutal truth, you can make a decision. Absolute truth is not happening, but basic facts are clear. Embrace them. No excuses for her. She was clear thinking before she got high. She made a choice and followed through with it.

[bathtub-row]

I think if this was someone I was dating and they did this, I’d end the relationship with them. However, you’re on a different situation and it’s not so easy to just walk away. I guess my problem is that she did what she did plus she stayed and watched. Very strange. Anyway, I think there’s a good chance she’s not telling you everything. You just have to work through this and then decide if you’ll stay with her. She doesn’t get to use being drunk as an excuse. That only means that she can’t be trusted when she drinks.

[simps0n]

More excuses for her. Date rape, now post partum. Dude, seriously?! Was she diagnosed and being treated for that by a doctor? Is random drug fueled sexual behavior a symptom of it?

 

Man oh man. If you want to stay with her, stay. Just be honest with yourself and her. Quit making excuses and face the known truth. She had sexual contact in a threesome. It is not a deal breaker for you, it just hurts. Embrace the hurt and move forward. I am not being sarcastic.

 

Once you face the brutal truth, you can make a decision. Absolute truth is not happening, but basic facts are clear. Embrace them. No excuses for her. She was clear thinking before she got high. She made a choice and followed through with it.

Yes, she has the diagnosis confirmed by 2 different psychiatrists and she's on medical therapy. BUT do not get me wrong, in any way I am not using this as an excuse for her actions! Exactly the opposite, I am still shocked by her brave actions (geez, that's a threesome in public place!) considering her anxiety condition. Anyway, as I mentioned originally we have had our issues that have led to a broken relationship, but that's a different topic. My point is that I have only mentioned her depression in relation to her inability to keep secrets, not making another excuse.

 

BTW, let us be clear, after your comments and a bit of research, I have already fully acknowledged that my drug rape theory is bull****.

Edited October 17, 2018 by simps0n

[simps0n]

So you may never get the truth. Can you live with that?

 

Do not have sex with her until she has proof she's not pregnant - seriously.

 

 

What is she willing to do to be sure this never happens again? Is she willing to:

 

Stop drinking altogether? She obviously gets drunk

Stop the drugs? She obviously did drugs - out until 4am...

Never attend a party without you? She can't be trusted

 

What sacrifices is she to make to be sure she doesn't do it again?

 

You shouldn't have to police her - she should be OFFERING you things that don't put her at risk again/your marriage at risk.

 

Not being sure I am getting the truth is something I cannot live with. Nevertheless, not trying to make an attempt to get to it is also something that I may eventually regret if I leave her now.

 

She is willing to make a lot of sacrifices including all these you mentioned, but this is not something I am really fascinated by. If we are to make up, we need to fix our relationship, which I realize was broken long before the cheating. Of course everyone will have to make some necessary sacrifices such as drinking alcohol and drugs. However, I do not picture myself in this type of controller role, i.e. accompany her everywhere, spy her phone/internet etc. This is not the relationship I would like to have, but I still cannot say if I would be able to rebuild my complete in trust her. Only time will tell, I guess?

Edited October 17, 2018 by simps0n

[ExpatInItaly]

The party was actually very close to our place, so she came back home walking (7-8 mins). She was also accompanied by the other girl on most of the way back because they left the party together. They both have had excessive amount of alcohol but it seems they were capable to walk (so none of them vomited or had to be carried etc.).

 

This, coupled with her clear memory of the events, is why I do not believe there was any date-rape drug involved. She was still quite coherent and stable, though drunk. Someone who has been drugged is generally going to be significantly more impaired than your wife was.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I think this was plain ol' cheating. Did she get caught up in the moment? Yes, sounds like it. Has she been maybe a little bored between the sheets at home lately? Perhaps. Is she telling you the full truth? Almost definitely not. Did this man spike her drink? I very strongly doubt that.

[SmartDude]

So far she has always been very loyal even though our sexual relationship in particular has never been great. So I partially understand her curiousity and that she due to the emotion (and alcohol) got into this.

 

If your sexual relationship was never great, it is not suprising that a woman will go out and seek experiences with other people. Even great sex can't really help because you are doing it with the same person year after year. Sometimes variety in partners is the only thing that will ever bring that spice back.

 

Were I live is a nice area, homes by the sea. On any given monday when I ride my bike in the morning is when I see the most sexually desperate women. They are all wives, doing their morning workout while the husbands are at work. Fantastic bodies, great looking women. The hints and flirting are so blatant and obvious, even to an aspie like me. It is such a suprise to experience this hidden reality, but I am not supprised at all. They seem so easy I am considering charging money for my discrete services.

 

Take a moment to relax and look at the big picture. Did your wife fall in love with another man or did she go out and have some wild sex for fun? There is a diference.

[elaine567]

Did your wife fall in love with another man or did she go out and have some wild sex for fun? There is a diference.

 

It is a question that seems not to have been yet considered, in all of these date rape, drunk, stoned scenarios.

What does this man or even this woman actually mean to the OP's wife?

[simps0n]

It is a question that seems not to have been yet considered, in all of these date rape, drunk, stoned scenarios.

What does this man or even this woman actually mean to the OP's wife?

 

The other girl is a classmate of my wife and they have known each other for several weeks only (since the course started). They only met during classes. Obviously, the same applies to the guy (their teacher), but they both formally met with him at the party.

[bigman1]

Okay. Soooooo, I know a guy who teaches at a local community college. He says that having sex with students is so easy that he won't quit the job. He is an adjunct prof. He is also in his early 50's now. Looks young, but was "knee deep in pu$$...." in his 40's. Haven't spoke to him in about 3 years, bit he is still teaching so I only assume now. Sounds like your wife was one of those kind of hookups.

 

In the end, you either accept it, cause she can't undo it or you walk. You could tell her that. "I promise that my decision will not change if you give me the full truth, but if you are lying to me, no matter when I find out, I will never talk to you again in life because you will have betrayed and manipulated me".

 

Even if you are walking away, you don't signal it, if you need to know the truth. Stay, go, whatever. If you are walking, it probably doesn't matter. If you are tryna see how you can stay, it probably doesn't matter cause nothing is gonna drive you away anyhow.