Wife almost cheated on me

[Chaparral]

I agree with the plan you laid out about taking to the other people including his wife.

 

On the drug question, cocaine and extacy (sp) make people extremely horney. They may have taken that or in the case of extacy that may have been slipped in a drink. Would the drug test have caught that. Still not an excuse.

 

Polygraphs, if done right are extremely useful, particularly for a parking lot confession.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Your wife has poor boundaries.

 

You say she's post partum? She probably feels insecure with her body and when complimented wanted to fit in and prove herself. Again, poor boundaries and a need for others to like her or think she's cool.

 

I think it's a good sign that she told you. She could have easily not said a single thing and you'd have never found out. So that seems promising.

[40somethingGuy]

Your wife has poor boundaries.

 

You say she's post partum? She probably feels insecure with her body and when complimented wanted to fit in and prove herself. Again, poor boundaries and a need for others to like her or think she's cool.

 

I think it's a good sign that she told you. She could have easily not said a single thing and you'd have never found out. So that seems promising.

 

I never saw the OP state that she is no longer allowed to be in that class with those two toxic people. Is he actually going to permit his WW to have future contact with the OM?

[simps0n]

In the end, you either accept it, cause she can't undo it or you walk. You could tell her that. "I promise that my decision will not change if you give me the full truth, but if you are lying to me, no matter when I find out, I will never talk to you again in life because you will have betrayed and manipulated me".

 

Even if you are walking away, you don't signal it, if you need to know the truth. Stay, go, whatever. If you are walking, it probably doesn't matter. If you are tryna see how you can stay, it probably doesn't matter cause nothing is gonna drive you away anyhow.

 

I told her something very similar just before I asked her to reveal the full story. I said that I knew there were a number of reasons for her actions mainly due to our relationship issues and I am giving her a last chance to tell me everything if she really wanted us to fix our marriage.

 

As I mentioned previously, what is really preventing me from buying her story are several blind spots in her memory. Although she does not remember some periods of time during the night, contradictorily she seems quite confident on the things she did not do (i.e. sex, blowjobs etc.). I am afraid my mind simply wouldn't be able to forget about these memory gaps...

 

- She cannot remember how the hell she ended up there partially undressed, with other two people making sex in front of her.

 

- She hardly remembers the place of the intercourse at all (supposedly, another balcony.)

 

- She cannot explain for what reason she called/texted her girl friend at 12am and then at 2am (this is something I found in her phone.)

 

 

I came up with an idea that may be more appropriate than polygraph. I may ask her to call her girl friend on speaker, without letting her know that I am also on the call. My wife offered talking to her about the missing information, so she *should be* fine with this plan. If she bluffed and refuses to do it, then everything is clear. If she accepts, I shall plan the conversation very carefully, so I will think of asking questions in a way that we get answers or they fail miserable (in case the story I got has been aligned between themselves).

 

The other option I can think of should be even more comfortable for her. I secretly enable call recording on her phone and again let her talk to the girl in private. Listen to her report after the call, then listen to the actual recording and make conclusions. This should be even better than talking to the girl myself.

Edited October 17, 2018 by simps0n

[simps0n]

I do not think I am simply underestimating the effects of alcohol here (combined with antidepressants), right? The above look to me as some quite important moments that should not be so easy to forget.

Edited October 17, 2018 by simps0n

[frigginlost]

Dude, you're building the web way bigger than it needs to be.

 

Those of us who have been cheated on, get it. You're looking for every reason under the sun on how to save your relationship. What you're failing to understand, is that no matter how many rings you add to the web, the structure is still broken.

 

You are never going to get the full truth. Ever. No matter what she tells you, no matter what you hear listening in on a call with her friend, no matter what you hear from the other dude, you're simply not going to get the full truth. Ever.

 

Your wife has poor boundaries, and cheated. There is no "almost". She flat out cheated. End of story. The reasons surrounding the "why's" matter not. She played with pigs and got dirty. End of story.

 

The question you need to answer is only to yourself. Can you live with it, or not? She's shown that she can break a boundary and any past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. She's already a cheater, so what's to stop her from cheating again? Her word? Her word is ****e. It don't mean anything. It might in the future after some very, very hard work on her part, but are you comfortable with the 50/50 shot of it not working and three years from now when she has a glass of wine or six, and then decides to blow the bellhop in an elevator?

 

Don't look to her for answers right now. Start questioning yourself and what you can deal with at a basic level. Can you live with the what if's...

[DKT3]

Listen, you are kinda dancing around this thing. Been there done that. The convenient memory loss, is common. Oh I didn't do that, but I dont remember how I got there. BS my friend.

 

Calling her friend is useless, women are usually miles ahead of the betrayed husband, its likely they have already come up with a matching strategy being both are married.

 

I will tell you something that took me 8 months to learn. If you are scared to know the truth your wife will own you as far as this situation goes. Being scared to be strong and take strong actions will keep you stuck in a world of uncertainty and open to manipulation.

 

In my opinion we BH make it easy for our wives to get away with this stuff.

 

I danced around with my wife for 8 months got nothing. Detached and started ignoring her because honestly I no longer cared. It was then I started to see a difference in her. Once 8 had her served the flood gates opened and the truth came pouring out.

 

WW only understand strong actions, until you take them she will think its business as usual and you will believe any crap she pushes out her mouth.

 

Her story makes no sense, because she is editing it to minimize her actions, which means it's much worse than she is telling you.

[elaine567]

Calling her friend is useless, women are usually miles ahead of the betrayed husband, its likely they have already come up with a matching strategy being both are married.

 

 

I agree same with the OM he is married too. It is in all their interests to get their stories straight.

 

I guess something spooked them, else why did your wife tell you all this the next morning, why the rush?

[DKT3]

I agree same with the OM he is married too. It is in all their interests to get their stories straight.

 

I guess something spooked them, else why did your wife tell you all this the next morning, why the rush?

 

It happened at a party, my guess is others know it happened and she is being proactive.

 

As is the case with every instance of infidelity, if it doesn't make sense it's a lie, half truth or minimizing actions.

 

OP be strong and keep pushing, the next whole story is right around the corner.

[bigman1]

After review, it is clear. You can now confront her with some hard truths and give her a deadline to reveal. Like 30 seconds after you finish talking.

 

She conveniently does not remember the stuff that exposes the depth of her betrayal. How'd her clothes get off shows that she had time to back out. When did the topic of sex come up? Whose idea? All of that preamble stuff she forgets. How'd she get dressed? Why did she remain and watch? All of those show what happened. She can stick to the kiss and penis touch all day, but the facts that she claims not to remember are the real killers.

 

She remembers. Screw all of the I won't leave if you tell me crap. Tell her that she is lying about the lead up so she does not look bad and you are leaving. Pack some stuff, or pack her stuff and give her 30 seconds and then walk or toss. She will talk or only last, at most, 10 days no contact. Pick up some uncontested divorce paperwork, assuming you are in the US, tell her you guys can save some money on legal fees. But there is no need to waste any more time with her memory lapses. Either remember or call the girlfriend on speaker and ask otherwise bye.

 

She will tell because she is deliberately not telling you now. Deadlines after pointing out the obvious flaws work with those who have guilty consciences. Worked as a prosecutor for a LONG time. It is an old police tactic. Sort of telling them, "I tried being nice, I tried being crafty. But you are too smart for that. I get it. Well, I am done wasting time. Here us what I know, here is why I know you are lying, either tell me the whole story or your life is gonna change and This is your last chance." It is not said angrily. It is said matter of factly and they start putting up notepads and walk. You'd be amazed at how many talk.

[40somethingGuy]

After review, it is clear. You can now confront her with some hard truths and give her a deadline to reveal. Like 30 seconds after you finish talking.

 

She conveniently does not remember the stuff that exposes the depth of her betrayal. How'd her clothes get off shows that she had time to back out. When did the topic of sex come up? Whose idea? All of that preamble stuff she forgets. How'd she get dressed? Why did she remain and watch? All of those show what happened. She can stick to the kiss and penis touch all day, but the facts that she claims not to remember are the real killers.

 

She remembers. Screw all of the I won't leave if you tell me crap. Tell her that she is lying about the lead up so she does not look bad and you are leaving. Pack some stuff, or pack her stuff and give her 30 seconds and then walk or toss. She will talk or only last, at most, 10 days no contact. Pick up some uncontested divorce paperwork, assuming you are in the US, tell her you guys can save some money on legal fees. But there is no need to waste any more time with her memory lapses. Either remember or call the girlfriend on speaker and ask otherwise bye.

 

She will tell because she is deliberately not telling you now. Deadlines after pointing out the obvious flaws work with those who have guilty consciences. Worked as a prosecutor for a LONG time. It is an old police tactic. Sort of telling them, "I tried being nice, I tried being crafty. But you are too smart for that. I get it. Well, I am done wasting time. Here us what I know, here is why I know you are lying, either tell me the whole story or your life is gonna change and This is your last chance." It is not said angrily. It is said matter of factly and they start putting up notepads and walk. You'd be amazed at how many talk.

 

 

 

I don't want to make it sound like I don't understand how the OP feels now. I had the same feelings 2 years ago. I ended up wishing I was even more brutal than I was. I went to the OM direct and told him I knew a lot and even told him some questions I knew the answer to and others I did not. I will know if you are lying to me. He basically confirmed what I knew and answered all my questions...and the questions didn't stop for nearly a year. If a question popped in my head I asked. This guy is 3 times my size and he actually admitted to me he was my (female dog that starts with letter B). Then, I was able to tell my wife some of the stuff he told me and it was clear he told me a ton by her reaction. Basically I made it so gaslighting was too tiring for her and she came clean...where I went back to him and got more confirmation. I played them off each other.

 

 

I don't think the OP really wants to know or maybe is afraid he may not be able to handle the reality that his wife took it from someone else. I seriously doubt she would 'touch his unit' and kiss him and then sit in the corner and play on her phone while the other 2 got it on. This looked like a full on 3 some and maybe his wife engaged in lesbian action as well. That could be part of her secret. Why would she even be there if she wasn't interested? Isn't that a good cue to start walking home?

 

 

I believe the OP is doing what I did. I considered the kids, finances, starting over, throwing 12 plus years together away etc. I certainly didn't want to dump and regret for not trying but I did know that until I was comfortable that I knew the truth there would be no peace for me. It is a long process and the OP is at the beginning. This will scar him for years to come if not ever. Broken trust is just so hard to gain back and I suggest the OP find a way to get to the bottom of the truth and see how far his WW is willing to go to gain back trust over time.

[Whatnotagain]

The spouses of the other people involved with your wife need to be told, ASAP, they deserve to know. Stop thinking of them as leverage in your attempt to find out the truth and disclose to them everything that you have been told. Then watch and see how your wife reacts; my guess is she will be furious. At some point she is going to switch from being the cooperative spouse in your marriage interrogation to pissed off because you keep asking questions and investigating.

[DKT3]

The spouses of the other people involved with your wife need to be told, ASAP, they deserve to know. Stop thinking of them as leverage in your attempt to find out the truth and disclose to them everything that you have been told. Then watch and see how your wife reacts; my guess is she will be furious. At some point she is going to switch from being the cooperative spouse in your marriage interrogation to pissed off because you keep asking questions and investigating.

 

I dont know that it's his place to tell the friends husband anything. if I were a betting man I would say it was a role reversal and it was actually his wife having sex and that friend was slightly involved if at all. Cheaters lie, why blast her friend who may well be innocent.

[Whatnotagain]

I dont know that it's his place to tell the friends husband anything. if I were a betting man I would say it was a role reversal and it was actually his wife having sex and that friend was slightly involved if at all. Cheaters lie, why blast her friend who may well be innocent.

 

Why disclose? Because it is the decent and human thing to do. Most everyone has been saying that her kissing, touching, and observing is the same as cheating so even if the roles were reversed, the other woman was still cheating. I don't disagree that the OP's wife may have been the one have sex but why would she involve a third person in her story. It could have been her and the other man only and she could have told the OP the exact same story; we kissed, we touched, we stopped short of having sex, and by the way it was in public view on a balcony. Typical behavior is to omit details from the story not add them.

[simps0n]

Dude, you're building the web way bigger than it needs to be.

 

Those of us who have been cheated on, get it. You're looking for every reason under the sun on how to save your relationship. What you're failing to understand, is that no matter how many rings you add to the web, the structure is still broken.

 

You are never going to get the full truth. Ever. No matter what she tells you, no matter what you hear listening in on a call with her friend, no matter what you hear from the other dude, you're simply not going to get the full truth. Ever.

 

Your wife has poor boundaries, and cheated. There is no "almost". She flat out cheated. End of story. The reasons surrounding the "why's" matter not. She played with pigs and got dirty. End of story.

 

The question you need to answer is only to yourself. Can you live with it, or not? She's shown that she can break a boundary and any past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. She's already a cheater, so what's to stop her from cheating again? Her word? Her word is ****e. It don't mean anything. It might in the future after some very, very hard work on her part, but are you comfortable with the 50/50 shot of it not working and three years from now when she has a glass of wine or six, and then decides to blow the bellhop in an elevator?

 

Don't look to her for answers right now. Start questioning yourself and what you can deal with at a basic level. Can you live with the what if's...

 

I would disagree with you to some extent. Few days ago, I blindly followed my initial thoughts and emotions (based on her story), but now I accept the uncomfortable facts. There is no 'almost', it was not random, it was not pure curiosity.

 

I am fully aware that the 'structure is broken', it has actually been broken long before the cheating. There were a lot of reasons that led to it. I realize that I have neglected and ignored our issues. Without trying to minimize her fault, if I have to be brutally honest, I am even inclined to believe that if it was not her, it might have been easily myself in her shoes right now or in the near future. So even if there is more that she is not sharing, it would not be that difficult to explain the reasons for it. This is a different topic though.

Edited October 18, 2018 by simps0n

[simps0n]

I believe the OP is doing what I did. I considered the kids, finances, starting over, throwing 12 plus years together away etc. I certainly didn't want to dump and regret for not trying but I did know that until I was comfortable that I knew the truth there would be no peace for me. It is a long process and the OP is at the beginning. This will scar him for years to come if not ever. Broken trust is just so hard to gain back and I suggest the OP find a way to get to the bottom of the truth and see how far his WW is willing to go to gain back trust over time.

Exactly. I am not scared to enter in a process of re-building trust, but I am to forgive infidelity, I would prefer to start from clean scratch (no matter how ridiculous it sounds). In other words, I would need a clean 'start' that I can live with (don't confuse it with a 'future' I can live with because this is something I cannot predict). Otherwise, it is absolutely not worth it to devote any more of my time, trust, love etc to this person.

 

I know I will never ever get the full story. I think I can live with that. But if I decide to try to take the long way with her, I need to close this with at a story that I buy. Don't get me wrong, I am not blindly looking for a foolish reason to remain in this relationship. As I said above, it was broken even before the recent events. It is entirely up to me and my wife to sit down and decide if we are willing to try to fix it or not. However, I have no intentions to enter into similar process whatsoever before clarifying the questions that are bothering me.

Edited October 18, 2018 by simps0n

[standtall]

Came in late on this one. OP, you're wife is trickle truthing you to death. IMHO, she did way, way, more than she admits. You have a choice to make..keep picking at this scab until it bleeds wide open, or maybe let it go and keep an eye on it. The ball is in your court.

[frigginlost]

I would disagree with you to some extent. Few days ago, I blindly followed my initial thoughts and emotions (based on her story), but now I accept the uncomfortable facts. There is no 'almost', it was not random, it was not pure curiosity.

 

I am fully aware that the 'structure is broken', it has actually been broken long before the cheating. There were a lot of reasons that led to it. I realize that I have neglected and ignored our issues. Without trying to minimize her fault, if I have to be brutally honest, I am even inclined to believe that if it was not her, it might have been easily myself in her shoes right now or in the near future. So even if there is more that she is not sharing, it would not be that difficult to explain the reasons for it. This is a different topic though.

 

You're adding another ring. :-)

 

The big difference here, is that she *did* do it. No inclination to possibly do it. She did it. You're trying to rationalize why she did it, and what was her thinking process. I understand completely why you're doing it. I did the exact same thing, and all who have been cheated on have done it. The bond that held you and your wife together (no matter how tattered the marriage) was cut. The last piece of any communication/trust/rebuild between you two, was obliterated. You're trying to mend that obliteration by having her tell you what took place so you can gain back some of that communication, trust, etc.

 

What you need to realize (and all of us who were cheated on had to) is that right now it simply is not going to happen. She could have come out and told you everything and showed true remorse. Instead she took the route many cheaters do and trickle truthed you. It shows that her ducks are lined up and she is two steps ahead of you. While you chew on a small truth given, she thinks two steps ahead of what your next question will be.

 

Sadly you're months, and months away from knowing anything close to the truth (if at all). Focus on you right now. Focus on how you're going to react to possibly staying with someone who is willing to throw everything away in order to suck a d**k.

Edited October 18, 2018 by frigginlost

[simps0n]

Guys. Thanks to all of you sharing your thoughts and comments. My decision to put it up with you instead of friend/relative is just because I prefer brutal honesty instead of a false sympathy, beliefs or regret.

 

The days are passing by and I realize trickle truth is not something I can live with. Respect to all of you who managed to handle it.

 

I am planning to leave my home for as long as it takes in the next few days. Until the battle between my heart and mind is over, I feel too weak to take the next step. Please forgive my naivety and inexperience. Enjoy your life.

[simps0n]

She knows that I have doubts, I have shared that with her. But I am obviously too weak at the moment and she may be manipulating me. DKT3 said it well, "your wife will own you as far as this situation goes".

 

I think I will tell her I need to leave at the latest possible moment. I think I shall continue going to my daily job. I will also have to leave our kid, so that being said I will be probably willing to get together myself and come back with my decision quite quickly. This means she won't have long time.

 

Meanwhile, if I get to the OM's wife, I will talk to her. I have not decided yet if I am to approach the OM or other girl (or her spouse).

[bathtub-row]

I think you’re wrong to wait until the latest moment to tell her you’re leaving. I’m not even sure leaving is the right thing to do because I don’t know if your heart is really in it. What about taking a trip and going off on your own for awhile instead?

 

If you tell her now that you’re contemplating leaving, she may get really scared and start telling you everything. Separation is a very serious thing. I know that what she did is very serious too but if you know that cheating could’ve easily been done by either of you, then there may be a better approach. You marriage has been on the skids for some time. Maybe this is the wake up call it needed.

[Chaparral]

Just leaving may adversely affect your custody situation. Talk to a lawyer first. This is extremely important.

[standtall]

Dude, If this is just a power play move, do not leave the marital home, or make some big declaration about it and move stuff out. Her lawyer will paint that as abandoning the family..bad move. Just pack a bag and come and go as you please. If you're really going to divorce her, serve her with papers, and then you owe her no explanation about your whereabouts. Either way do not move out.

[DKT3]

I agree with the others, if you leave be sure that she and someone else in your life knows it's only for some time away and you're not moving out. Ideally, you would ask her to leave for a while.

 

Should you leave because you simply cant stand to be there, make sure you have documentation of daily contact with your children, this will come in handy if down the line there are some custody issues.

[Chaparral]

Did you ask her if she is willing to take a polygraph?