22 year old who is still a virgin, grieving, possible PTSD, can't cope

[SamGHort]

Hi,

 

 

First of all I am completely new to this forum so I apologise if I take ages to reply or if I don't reply to everybody. I have this issue that I am really struggling to deal with. Here it goes:

 

 

I am a 22 year old male with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. I am currently being assessed for PTSD which I will go into more detail. Something has been bugging me for years and years. I am still a virgin. The reason being is that I am unable to cope with intimacy or anything related to my genitals due to a past medical trauma which has resulted in a strange looking and small penis. The thing is, my beloved Nan sadly passed away recently. This is the 5th relative that I have lost through death during my 22 years of existing. 4 out of 5 of these relatives including my Nan I was extremely close to. I am really struggling with my grief. And I mean really struggling. It's brought me back to some very dark places. I keep thinking about my late Grandad (Nan's husband) who died 10.5 years ago when I was 11.5 years old. I was very close to him and we had a special bond. I am really struggling with this which will bring me onto my main issue: sex and relationships.

 

 

Since I'm in a really dark place due to the grief I have been feeling more depressed by the fact that all of my mates seem to be getting into relationships and having dates and there's me on my own again like a pathetic social reject whilst going through what seems to be constant bereavement. This is where my potential PTSD comes in and why I still have my virginity and why this is depressing me. When I was born I was diagnosed with a genital defect called 'Hypospadias' where the urethra which is the tube and hole you urinate and ejaculate out of didn't develop properly whilst I was still in my Mum's womb. As a result, my penis was completely bent downwards and the hole was at the back of penis underneath the shaft instead of on the tip of the shaft. As a consequence of this, I was unable to urinate standing like other boys for my first few years of my life without effectively spraying urine in between my legs. I had 2 surgeries for this: one small operation to remove my foreskin when I was 2 as the foreskin was used to make a urethral tube (which I think was preserved for my second and more major surgery although I don't know this 100%) and my major surgery where they had to make a urethral tube and straighten out my penis. The first surgery I don't really remember much as I was only 2 years old so I was effectively still a baby however my second and more major surgery which I had 2 years later when I was 4 I remember very well and the experience was, well quite frankly, the most horrible and traumatic experience I have ever had besides several bereavements.

 

 

Now I am going to go into detail as to why this has affected me to this very day, particularly when it comes to relationships and intimacy. When I woke from the major surgery I remember waking up to a bloody bandage on my manhood with a catheter fitted which was used during the surgery to wrap around the foreskin in order to help develop a urethral tube. It looked something out of a gorey horror film in a 4 year old's eyes. The pain was the first thing I remember. I do not even know how to describe how painful the recovery was. The worst 'stinging sensation' I have ever felt apart from accidentally burning my thumb once (not serious but I touched a lamp bulb whilst it was on when I was like 8 or 9 cos I was a stupid little kid who didn't know any better lmao). I woke absolutely petrified at one point as my Mum went to the vending machines to get a coffee and I started crying as I thought she had gone home. A few days after the surgery which was on a separate night I think (?) I woke with this incredible urge to urinate. I also had severe stomach cramps so my Mum helped me to waddle to the toilet nearby (this hurt like hell cos it was fresh after surgery) and I sat down on the toilet and all of I sudden I felt the most excruciatingly painful burning sensation as I was trying to urinate. To my horror, I look down and all I can see was me urinating pure blood into the toilet bowl. I screamed cos of the pain and the sight of blood and also had severe diarrhoea at the time. Turns out I had a bladder infection due to the catheter which was very common with this procedure. Quite honestly the worst pain I have every felt in my entire life trying to urinate infected blood. This image is still stuck in my head and I cringe and feel uneasy when I think or talk about it. I also woke up on another separate night to my bed sheets all wet as the catheter bag split and spilt all over my bed when I was asleep.

 

 

Anyway, back to how this horrific experience has affected me to this very day. Ever since I left hospital and looked at my penis I have always felt so "unnatural" as I am circumcised. My penis is small. Very small unfortunately which I think is a result of the Hypospadias. I am only just over 4 inches erect, possibly 4.5 inches, and only 4 inch in circumference which is roughly about 1.5 inches wide when erect. In it's flaccid state it's barely 2 inches and sometimes only an inch. I have always avoided changing rooms unless they have cubicles as I am deeply ashamed and disgusted with the way my manhood looks and am too embarrassed to get changed in front of other men. It honestly looks my penis hasn't grown since childhood and just looks so alien without a foreskin. Pretty much every time I looked at my manhood whilst going toilet or showering or even masturbating I reminded of my hospital stay. I get flash backs almost very day. My last relationship was 4.5 years ago when I was and I pushed her away as deep down I could not cope with the thought of any sexual partner viewing my manhood. I often get what I call "phantom pains" in my penis which I attribute to something psychological as I have had these 'pains' ever since my hospital stay. I am absolutely petrified of having my genitals operated on again. In fact, even though most men get aches and pains down there from time to time and even though I know deep down some of those 'pains' are psychological, I always panic and become terrified I will have to be operated on again.

 

 

That being said, I am terrified of having sex due to fear of being ridiculed for my small size and what my penis looks like. Anything to do with my genitals gives me a very uneasy feeling and a sense of "dread". Throughout my teen years, I have had my testicles and penis checked frequently as I am utterly petrified I will develop cancer down there and have to have my bits cut open again. This worry actually started when my Grandad died as I began thinking about the first close relative I lost. This was my great Nan although she was just "my Nanny" as she brought my Mum up and she died of cancer and I wonder if that's what started the ball rolling with my worries. I was too young to understand why she died other than old age (she was nearly 81) but later found out after Grandad passed away that she died of cancer. Just to be precise though, my Nan (the one who has just died) and Grandad were my Dad's parents whereas my Mum's biological mother died last year (losing two grandparents in less than a year really does suck no matter how close you were).

 

 

I can't cope with this issue any longer. I am currently being assessed for PTSD due to my medical trauma and the frequent bereavements (my Uncle Matt who was technically my Great Uncle i.e. Mum's Uncle but more like an older brother and father figure died when I was 15.5 years old and I was very close to him too) that I have had to go through. Both my Mum and a close friend were the ones who suggested I could have a "type of PTSD" due to my symptoms. I sweat buckets 24/7, I shake and tremble a lot, I have IBS and a weak bladder, I sometimes still wet the bed on a rare occasion (embarrassing for a bloke in his 20's right?), I am irritable regularly, I can't cope with stress and will have regular meltdowns, I get deeply depressed about my body image and hate the way I look and occasionally I'll have a nightmare where I am back in hospital having my privates operated on and I will wake in a cold sweat panicking.

 

 

My Mum had to go to the doctors' with me to ask for help as they refused to help with my trauma as their excuse was "We cannot help you or offer you counselling as you're with the ADHD and Asperger's Team for your medication" which was a blatant lie as I was told by that team the doctors should have helped me there and then. Luckily me and my Mum got through to the GP and I am now being assessed by a separate mental health team for PTSD who believe it's very possible I suffer from it due to my symptoms. I have had a few water infections during my childhood and one around 2 years ago and every time I have seen a bit of blood in my urine I have panic attacks as it brings back memories of me urinating blood in hospital and I start fearing I will have to go back into hospital again.

 

 

In the meantime, how do I cope with this? I terrified of facing more bereavement on my own whilst being single and not having anybody to comfort me. Part of me just wants to casually 'hook up' on nights out as I fear I won't be stable in a relationship however who on earth wants to get intimate with somebody with a small and weird looking penis for fun? I want to get this virginity thing done and dusted. Sounds pathetic I know but I can't deal with feeling alien anymore and just want experience intimacy like everybody else. I really don't think I can deal with being a virgin for much longer as I fear time is running out fast. I honestly feel like such a loser compared to my friends. I feel like that scared little boy who I used to be when I was in hospital. Anybody got any advice or have been through something similar and would like to share their experience and how they overcame their issues? Please don't start saying things like "Man up and stop being pathetic" as it does not work and just frustrates me and please don't say things like "Turn to Jesus and pray" as although I am respectful of other people's religious beliefs, I do not believe in God so this will not help me. I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until I was 15 (right at the start of Year 11) and I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 20 so I've had to struggle horrendously with mainstream education aswell unfortunately.

 

 

If somebody could get back to me with some advice that would be much appreciated!

[d0nnivain]

Have you spoke to whoever is doing the PTSD assessment about what you are feeling?

 

Between the Asperger's & the ADHD, coupled with the childhood trauma your situation is probably beyond the scope of a message board. We're a bunch of amateurs, trying to help each other cope but when it comes down to stuff that actually has DSM-V codes, we could inadvertently do more harm then good. I know my standard advice about listening more & reading people's body language won't help you because the inability to do that is the Hallmark of your condition.

 

I do believe there is a lid for every pot out there. With a little help from your mental health professionals & think you will be able to build some skills to help you find you way. Best wishes on your journey.

[arcquapetrarca]

The truth is that there is no help.

 

Why? I have ASD.

 

I would even suggest avoiding charlatans who usually just try and be patronising.