When I doubt........

[pi2016]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post. I've been reading a lot and I find this forum to be the right place to put my questions/concerns.

 

My story:

 

I'm 47 years old, divorced about 3.5 years ago. Started dating about 2.5 years ago and met a lovely women. I fell in love and the relationship moved fast. Probably not a good thing. Anyway, as the relationship progressed I noticed that she would wind up being unreachable at her apartment for over a day sometimes and then realized it was because she was self medicating her bipolar 1 with alcohol. She was taking Depakote and Welbutrin to control her BP1 but killing its effectiveness with alcohol. She seemed to be getting 'better' as we dated more, I proposed marriage and let her move in with me. Soon after moving in, her Dad died. They did not have a good relationship. But, nonetheless, this put her in a tailspin. She started drinking more and it wasn't long before she started seeing and talking about things that weren't real. I have a daughter and the even though my fiance did not drink or talk about delusions in front of my daughter - I immediately had my fiance move out and I canceled the proposal. Broke my heart and hers simultaneously.

 

Anyway, that was over a year ago. I sat and talked with her about her drinking and set boundaries for the relationship about what I would accept and what I wouldn't. Nobody had done that for her in the past. Her story was that four years ago, after being divorced, she had an episode and ended up going to her exes house and taking his new Wife's car for a ride without her permission. Got arrested, taken to jail, and had a no contact order placed on her by her ex-husband. After being released from jail a few hours later, she went right back to his place and was arrested again! This time the court sentenced her to two years probation and took access to her daughter away from her for the period of the probation. That all took place before I met her. Now, the probation is over, she has seen her daughter again (once) and is working on getting increased time with her daughter. Anyway, after last years episode, the boundaries I set were the following:

- No alcohol (period)

 

- No illegal drugs (wasn't a problem before but I thew it in there)

 

- Take prescribed meds every day

 

- See pdoc every three months (four times a year) or more, if needed

 

- Maintain a consistent sleeping and waking pattern every day

 

- Go to the gym for an hour at least four times a week

 

- Maintain open communication with me so that if ANYTHING seems to feel abnormal we make an appointment with pdoc immediately OR, worst case, go to emergency room before it gets out of hand.

 

After last years incident, she was changed from Depakote to Latuda and I must say it seems to have really stabilized her. Like flat line stabilization - no ups or downs of any sort. She has followed every request I have asked of her. She was even 'graduated' from cognitive behavioral therapy that she has attended religiously for 3.5 years now. So, last month, I let her move back in with me again. My plans are to marry her next year but I hesitate from time to time because I'm not sure which version of her is who she is.

 

My dilemma - when I first met her, she was already episodic. Drinking heavily, talking about a previous sexual assault that happened to her and how she suffers PTSD from that, and that was why she would be snappy at me sometimes, etc. Now, she is completely medicated, following a strict regiment, and claims to be happy (even though her mood seems so subdued I'm not sure I can tell she is happy). She never mentions the sexual assault or the PTSD and I begin to wonder if that was all part of a delusion created during a past manic episode. So, I'm not sure what to believe about who is the actual woman that I am thinking about marrying. I'm happy with her now in her subdued state (although I wish there was a little bit more 'life' there) but I worry that at any moment she'll go back to drinking and go off her meds. She claims that won't happen because she now realized how the combination of her drinking and medication abuse caused a whole lot of destruction in her life (the loss of her daughter for 2+ years and her 'almost' complete loss of me). She claims she hasn't felt this stable in years and realizes it all had a lot to do with alcohol consumption and its impact on her meds. She has gone over 1 year now without touching a SINGLE drop of alcohol and she says she doesn't miss it.

 

Do other loved ones on this forum who are in a relationship with someone with BP experience the same levels of doubt? If so, how do you move forward without letting that doubt become an obstacle to your relationship? I mean on one hand you want to love with ALL of your heart. But, on the other hand don't you feel the need to guard your heart at the same time?

Edited October 14, 2018 by pi2016

[d0nnivain]

I understand your need for boundaries & to hold addicts to certain behaviors but you lost me on the gym & her sleeping habits. You want to be her husband not her jailer / warden. If you can't trust her to commit to being healthy you can't marry. It's as simple as that.

[preraph]

I don't mind most of the boundaries that you sent and rules, except the gym one, which seems excessive.

But whether she can follow those rules is another thing. I think you need to get her permission to go with her to her psychiatrist and sit down with him and find out more about her capabilities. if she's serious about staying with you she will happily do this. if she doesn't want you to do this there are probably things she is concealing or that she doesn't want her shrink to know.

 

It's great that the new medicine is working. but it's all dependent on her staying on it and the sad fact is that over 80% of people on psychotropic drugs decide to not take their meds as prescribed or quit them entirely for a variety of reasons from they think they're cured to they make them feel bad to especially with bipolar people, missing the highs. My ex-best friend and old roommate is bipolar. She didn't like being regulated by medicine. She likes to be constantly on the move interacting with people like a shark, constantly feeding. She does some inappropriate things. Regardless of whether she loves you or not.

 

So I would not jump into this without talking to her doctor and seeing what he thinks. She may flee from marriage as being too routine.

 

So talk to her and ask her to let you talk to her doctor. She'll have to sign something. Give him some time to be thinking about it after you've made the appointment. And very likely you'll need some extra time to watch her now that she's on the new meds before he can really know what's going on and how well it's going.

[pi2016]

Let me clarify, as I admit after reading back my post certain things weren't clear.

 

The list of things I gave her to do (including the gym) are what is recommended by pretty much every thing I have read about how to properly manage Bipolar 1. The gym is the least of my concerns and I'm not 'ordering' her to do any of them. My boundaries were really around the drinking. Nothing will complicate managing BP1 more than drinking and/or drug abuse. The second most important thing is getting sleep. That is part of managing stress.

 

Primarily, my boundary was that I wanted to see her make an effort to manage her BP1. It's a tough disorder to manage, and I get that. And, even if she followed everything to a 't', that doesn't mean she will be episode free forever (but, it does significantly reduce the chances). I wasn't going to stay with her if she didn't at least make an effort, and a sincere effort at that. Not just going through the motions. That is why I was significantly impressed when she passed the one year mark of sobriety. Nothing says she can't have a drink here or there, but she has chosen to not drink at all - claiming she now understands it has been at the core of all of her regrets in life. She also has always gone to the gym, so I'm not enforcing that. She works part time and gets the to the gym for an hour a day almost every day she isn't working, or doesn't have to be to work until after noon. She goes to bed at 9 - 10 pm every night and wakes up before 9 am every morning, even on weekends! So, she has taken my requests (stop abusing alcohol and stick to your meds and follow up with your pdoc quarterly) and taken it a step further to really being regimented on the gym and sleep cycles, too. I am not being her jailer/warden (nor do I want to be), I am only supporting her by being positive reinforcement when she shares how many days she has been sober, and needs praise for maintaining her stability. I'd say, based on her feedback, that I have been the most positive support she has had in her life. However, I remind her that she first had to face, and admit, that she really messed some things up in her past. She tried to ignore them or play them down but eventually realized that there is no getting better without dealing with the mess she made.

 

She has given me permission to see her with her pdoc whenever I want. Also, Latuda has the lowest non-compliance rate among all the BP1 drugs. In tests and studies over the last decade, Latuda users tend to not stop taking the drug. I forget the percentage but it is very low compared to other drugs. It doesn't have a lot of side effects like the other drugs. It isn't meant to treat mania but last Summer I barely noticed any changes in my SO's mood. And, so far, she claims to like the Latuda based on the fact that she feels 'good'! So, hopefully that won't be too big of issue.

 

I appreciate the feedback so far and look forward to more comments.

[Malin889]

You say you fell in love with her very fast but then mention that she had a drinking problem and had episodes when you first met her. I’m just trying to figure out what exactly about her you fell in love with?

 

With these boundaries you seem like you are making her dependent on you. Perhaps you should let her go through therapy on her own and don’t be her boyfriend right now but just be a friend.