now what? More MIL issues

[d0nnivain]

Just spent 1 week with MIL. Caught her in a number of lies & exaggerations.

 

Found very old (1 year+) expired food in her refrigerator & pantry. Can't imagine what she has been eating; this food was there when we were down back in May. I didn't check the expirations then. She's constantly complaining about digestive issues but has really whacky ways of dealing with them. For example she's paying $85 per month for a potassium supplement but refuses to eat bananas. When I suggested she eat sweet potatoes she ordered them as fries. Because I made dinner she decided that she no longer ate pork.

 

She's complaining that she can't get a job because everyone discriminates against her due to her age & being a woman. She refuses to work for $15 per hour or less; wants an executive type job that she is not qualified for by education or experience. Claims she turned down an $85k / year job because the commute was too far. She never made more then $35k per year in her life. Won't volunteer her time anywhere because she's "too valuable to give it away." If she doesn't want to work, that is her choice but she can't really survive on Social Security alone. She's only been retired 3 years & has already blown through her entire meager savings.

 

She's an adult. She can make all the bad decisions she wants but I'm really sick of being cast as the DIL from hell. She makes snide remarks; acts like I don't treat her well & has this whole entitled attitude like her son (my husband) & I are supposed to fund her life.

 

I'm sick of it! How can I draw boundaries that enable my husband to maintain a relationship with his mother, protect me from her insults & yet enable us to keep an eye on our investment? We own the house she lives in & we pay the insurance, taxes, maintenance etc. The deal was supposed to be she lives there rent free & tells us if there are problems so we can address them. She's not telling us thing & letting them fester into worse, more expensive problems because she "doesn't want to upset me." letting the problems grow worse is upsetting me.

 

We can't sell the house. She'd be homeless & nobody wants that.

 

Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

[FMW]

As far as the house goes, if you don't live close enough to check yourselves, hire someone to go in once every month or two and do a quick inspection and regular maintenance. Your MIL may not like it, but I would insist (have your husband tell her it's for her safety and to keep him from worrying).

 

Unfortunately, at her age she is not going to change. It's a shame and it's unfair, but for the most part you will probably just need to minimize the time you spend with her. Depending on the situation, you don't always have to be with your husband on visits.

 

Family relationships can be so challenging.

[Happy Lemming]

...but she can't really survive on Social Security alone.

 

Would your husband be able to suggest a budget?? Let it come from him, you could assist him with the spreadsheet, though... just don't let her know.

 

I understand she can't live on S.S. alone, but minimize the outflow as much as possible. Are you & hubby expected to make up any shortfalls?? You are already taking care of most of the house expenses without rental income, will she come to you guys for more money if she has a major expense??

[d0nnivain]

Would your husband be able to suggest a budget?? Let it come from him, you could assist him with the spreadsheet, though... just don't let her know.

 

I understand she can't live on S.S. alone, but minimize the outflow as much as possible. Are you & hubby expected to make up any shortfalls?? You are already taking care of most of the house expenses without rental income, will she come to you guys for more money if she has a major expense??

 

 

At this point she's closing off. DH tried & he started small. She was complaining about her cable bill so he ran through several options with her: Amazon Fire stick, Hulu, Sling etc. None of those offer local stations or her 2 favorite channels. He bugged her for 2 days to see the cable bill. When she finally forked it over, he learned she has the highest, biggest, most expensive package before you add in premium channels. He ascertained that the lowest package which is slight more then 1/3 of what she is currently paying would meet all of her needs exactly as she described them. She then insisted that she couldn't change the cable because she is locked into a contract (it expires next month) and that the cable company only listens to men & when she tries to complain they increase her costs. What happens is she's so naïve that they sell her something else.

 

I don't want to take her choices away from her & neither does DH but she makes bad choices. For example, she grocery shops at the most expensive store in town & buys name brand, ready to eat individual servings. DH & I shop at WalMart & other discount places, cook in bulk & freeze meals to save money. When she found out that I bought 3 pairs of shorts that I keep at that house from GoodWill she wanted to throw them out. When her daughter shops there, SIL is being thrifty & artistic. When I do it, I'm cheap & embarrassing.

 

I don't know what her expectations are but I also don't believe they are our responsibility. We already cover her housing costs. Her other children only take; they don't give. Although I did explain to them that mom has no money so they stopped asking. I think my SIL recently sent a grocery store gift card. BIL shows up periodically when I ask him to do something specific but MIL's relationship with his wife is worse then my relationship with her & she won't go near the house unless DH & I are there, which is hard on BIL. She does understand that we need BIL as boots on the ground & she's happy to let him go as long as she doesn't have to be there.

 

The reality is that since her own children don't care & she seems to resent my help, I have to step back & stop trying. That is hard for me. I'm a fixer.

[Happy Lemming]

When I do it, I'm cheap & embarrassing.

 

How dare she put you down like that... I would have quickly reminded her that you are covering her housing expenses and if she would pay market rate for rent, you could afford anything you wanted, but because you are subsidizing her living arrangements you choose to be thrifty.

 

Personally, I would be over the top INSANE if she had the best cable package and wasn't paying any rent, or insurance, or taxes, or maintenance. So she can't have all of her favorite channels, boo-hoo; times are tough, sacrifices have to be made.

 

As far as TV, I purchased HULU and put up a specialty antenna for local stations. PM if you want to know where I got it. I don't get all of the local stations and lost a couple of my favorites, but I've learned to live without them. Cable TV was just too expensive and I wanted to retire early, so I sacrificed a few channels, no regrets... I thought I would miss them, but I don't.

[d0nnivain]

Happy Lemming

 

I don't care how she spends her money. If she wants "the best" OK fine, as long as she can afford it now that she should have more money available to her. When she makes those expensive choices, then expects we will fork over more cash that is when I get annoyed.

 

She doesn't even have to appreciate what we do. I just don't know how to deal with the lies or the snide remarks.

 

DH hasn't spent Christmas with his mom in 20 years so this year we are going down there. She is now complaining that we're an imposition because we're coming & she planned to spend the holidays were her daughter on the west coast. DH took that as a plea for a plane ticket. I took it as a slap in the face because she was with her daughter at Christmas about 5 years ago but its been 2 decades since she's seen my husband at the holidays. I felt so bad for him that he was getting overlooked again. That really burned me up & I screamed at her for it. I was already yelling & "on a roll" <hangs head in shame> I did apologize the next day even though her invitation for me to leave the house was what got me started.

 

I vacillate between is she sick (dementia or brain tumor) or attention seeking? If she's sick I want to help but she'll never let me. She is a hypochondriac I know that.

 

My other SIL pointed out that MIL's behavior changed when she & BIL got engaged. SIL thinks its all jealousy, that we took her boys away. I wasn't so bad because we were far away but when her favorite got snatched up things changed.

 

I have asked MIL repeatedly if there have been additional costs with 3 BR house vs 1 BR apartment that are overwhelming her. She only said the AC bill went up by about $50 & the water bill went up $36. Since she is not paying rent, even with higher electric & water she should still have enough. Plus when we go there we give her $100 for extra electric & water used during our stay. We also buy groceries & take her out with us, paying for all entertainment using our rental car so she has no additional gas expenses. I do the dishes & wash all our bed linens & towels before we leave.

 

I just feel like no good deed goes unpunished.

[Happy Lemming]

When she makes those expensive choices, then expects we will fork over more cash that is when I get annoyed.

 

I just feel like no good deed goes unpunished.

 

And you have every right to be annoyed... Does your husband share this position??

 

You are so correct about "good deeds"...

[d0nnivain]

DH shares my views & actually told her that. MIL was shocked that he called her out on some of her lies & exaggerations. DH is more hard hearted about it than I am. He'd sell the house.

[Happy Lemming]

He'd sell the house.

 

I'd let him... Someone who treats you with disrespect shouldn't get to live free of charge in any of your real estate.

 

Just let hubby tell MIL that you can no longer subsidize the cost of the home and financially, you need to sell it.

 

MIL can go rent a room or a studio apartment.

[Ronni_W]

...she seems to resent my help,

This is my relationship with my own mother, including her making terrible decisions and choices for herself. Mine is also passive-aggressive, and oh-so-very-much misunderstood and misinterpreted.

..., I have to step back & stop trying. That is hard for me. I'm a fixer.

And, this is me. . Ended up to where I've finally realized that my best, most appropriate fixing that I could do, for the both of us, was to fix my own desires, tendencies

and self-concept as being the fixer. Also not easy for me, but working on it.

 

Sending you all the best, d0nnivain. I know from experience that it's difficult.

[Mr. Lucky]

How can I draw boundaries that enable my husband to maintain a relationship with his mother, protect me from her insults & yet enable us to keep an eye on our investment?

 

You may have to realistically pick two out of three of these objectives.

 

Either she's an adult capable of making her own choices or someone who's affairs need to be managed. There's not much middle ground...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

You may have to realistically pick two out of three of these objectives.

 

Either she's an adult capable of making her own choices or someone who's affairs need to be managed. There's not much middle ground...

 

Really?

 

 

I mean I totally think she is somebody who should have her affairs managed but that's because I would make different choices. Her choices aren't illegal or even dangerous but they are dumb & short sighted.

 

 

I'm only trying to get a handle on my feelings here. How do I handle her lying to me & acting like I am some mean controlling person? I can be controlling. I know that so I'm trying to step back. But the passive aggressive nonsense is getting to me. If she hates all this I'd rather her tell me to go F myself then play mind games.

[BaileyB]

Donnivain, has she seen a doctor?

 

We had some discussion about this a few months ago and there were lots of indicators signifying the potential of early dementia. There seem to be more indicators here in her very erratic behavior. I know, it's hard to convince someone to go to the doctor and even harder to get a straight answer... But, thinking about her behavior from the perspective that she may be ill may help you to have some more understanding and compassion.

 

It's a tough spot to be in - you are obviously worried about her, you want to protect your investment, and yet - you need to keep some distance from her for your own mental health. No other advice here, just concern and well wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks Bailey.

 

She went to the Doctor for some routine check up while we were there. She came home saying everything was normal then later that day said they are testing for cancer. She always thinks she has cancer; that is part of the hypochondria.

 

At her daughter's request I did snoop a little & got the name of MILs PCP. If we all collectively saw continuing irrational behavior we were going to write a group letter to the PCP telling the doctor about our concerns. I'd write the letter but her 3 children including DH would be the only ones who sign it.

 

I really want to be understanding & compassionate. This is trying my patience to no end.

[BaileyB]

I really want to be understanding & compassionate. This is trying my patience to no end.

 

I know.

 

You know, there could be any number of reasons for her irrational behavior - dementia, substance abuse, mental health issues, or this may just be who she is. My boyfriend's mother is similar but not so extreme. She is very attention seeking, always the victim, and full of drama... As he says, it's a good thing she does not live near us. That would be very difficult, for all of us.

 

I hope things get better for you.

[Marc878]

The problem is she's now entitled. Once you start the handouts some take advantage and it escalates.

[BettyDraper]

You could always sell the house and put your MIL in an apartment.

Pay her rent directly to the landlord and set her up with Meals on Wheels.

 

Before taking these drastic steps, your husband can tell his mother what the consequences will be if she doesn't start behaving like a responsible adult. She's behaving like a spoiled child because you and your husband are enabling her. It isn't your job to fix your MIL's problems and I'm seeing a lot of codependency here.

[Mr. Lucky]

I mean I totally think she is somebody who should have her affairs managed but that's because I would make different choices. Her choices aren't illegal or even dangerous but they are dumb & short sighted.

 

Then there's your answer. You let her choices play out as you would any other family member. If she asks for help, you do your best to provide it in a way that works for you.

 

And you back off. No more inventory of her pantry, worrying about her employment or tracking her spending. It seems pointless to want something from her she can't do (a normal relationship with you ) and then becoming angry with her when she doesn't perform...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

You could always sell the house and put your MIL in an apartment.

Pay her rent directly to the landlord and set her up with Meals on Wheels.

 

Before taking these drastic steps, your husband can tell his mother what the consequences will be if she doesn't start behaving like a responsible adult. She's behaving like a spoiled child because you and your husband are enabling her. It isn't your job to fix your MIL's problems and I'm seeing a lot of codependency here.

 

 

I won't pay rent. That is throwing money out the window. Owning the house means we realize the appreciation as the house goes up in value. Part of the reason we did this was for the investment.

 

You're right, It's not my job to "fix" her. I just hate being lied to. She lies about the stupidest things too. For example, we found a wasps' nest & told her about it. The exterminator was coming over the next day for the new contract. We told her about the nest. She said she'd take care of it. We told her not to bother. She took a broom & bug spray into the other room, then came back saying she couldn't reach the nest. We could see the nest through the window & she never went outside. My husband point blank asked her why she lied about going outside & she didn't have an answer.

 

I don't think she's eligible for Meals on Wheels. I suspect she would be too proud to accept it but I may have DH suggest it.

[Happy Lemming]

Life is short... I don't keep anything or anyone in my life that causes me grief or angst (this includes my mother).

 

It is clear that your MIL is causing you grief and angst. No amount of appreciation (on the home) is worth this level of unhappiness. If your husband is OK with selling the house, sell it. Tell MIL to go "fend for herself". Print out some low cost rentals and rooms for rent. Your MIL may also qualify for a HUD rental or reduced cost "Senior Living". There are a lot of programs available for seniors on fixed incomes. In the end, hand her a packet of information, an eviction notice and drive a "For Sale" sign into the yard.

 

I hate the level of disrespect this woman has shown you, after you give her a free place to live.

 

Just my two cents...

[Gaeta]

She is incapable of keeping an eye on a house. She would probably not notice an open crack on a door frame or a suspicious stain on a ceiling. I think a condo would be better for her. Condos have lands taken care of, concierges, and any little repair is taken care of by the board. Your mind would be much much more in peace and you'd still acquire an asset that takes value with the years.

[alphamale]

you need to get her to a good psychiatrist

[preraph]

She would probably get thrown out of an apartment from acting weird. Assisted living maybe. It's super expensive, though. Too expensive. And she might get kicked out of there too.

 

I think if she makes it hard to help her, you back off. Old people do become difficult, even if they don't have dementia. I know this because I am one. She sounds like she lies just to be contrary with you. Let her go to the daughter's for holiday. Good riddance. I mean, you can't make your husband feel more loved by her by forcing her hand to do it. She has some resentment for him or something. It's unusual because I've found that usually a mother strongly favors their sons and kisses their butts and is rude and expects the daughters to take the leftovers. So not sure how that happened, but they obviously have some issues.

 

I had to take my dad's money over and pay his bills and get guardianship because he had a combination of alcoholism, dementia, and let young people into his home to take advantage of him. He rented a trailer to a guy up the street and when I started paying his bills for him, I found out there were thousands of dollars written to this guy for alleged foundation work. The guy was helping him write out his bills before I stepped in and helping himself. And then there were a couple of real low-life prostitute types also helping themselves, though I just say on a much smaller scale.

 

I think you have to wait until she does something SO stupid (like my poor dad) that getting guardianship (or encouraging her precious daughter to do so instead -- that would be my choice) is necessary and can be done legally. As you know, power of attorney is less messy and far less red tape and appraisals to jump through, inventories, etc. , than guardianship, but it seems unlikely she'll volunteer that, but hey, if she'll do it to the daughter, and if the daughter isn't a thief herself, let them have at it. Maybe she'll move out there with her daughter. I'd be going in that direction since this isn't going well.

[d0nnivain]

If we could get guardianship that would be easy. I think the problem is she's not actually crazy she's just attention seeking & I'm ill equipped to deal with passive aggressive BS.

 

I talk to my other MIL tonight … . .DH's step mother, FIL's 2nd wife. . . .she & FIL reminded me that they told me not to buy the house because MIL is manipulative & bad with money. They both said this is my fault for "enabling" her. I disagree because the alternative was to let her become homeless. I can't do that. I'd rather get kicked in the teeth repeatedly but universally, everybody who knows better says I have to learn to let her fall.

 

That is going to be SOOOOOO hard for me. So LS beware. I will rant & rave about this a lot, on an ongoing basis.

 

 

Ohm. Ohm. Ohm. Ohm. I'm gonna have to learn to mediate & self soothe.

[MidwestUSA]

Donni, someone I love was just diagnosed with BPD. I see a lot of similarities here, including the hypochondria.

 

Has she had a mental evaluation?