now what? More MIL issues

[Happy Lemming]

That is going to be SOOOOOO hard for me. So LS beware. I will rant & rave about this a lot, on an ongoing basis.

 

Rant & Rave as much as you need to. We are here for you!!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd rather get kicked in the teeth repeatedly but universally, everybody who knows better says I have to learn to let her fall.

 

Which might also be a humbling experience for her.

 

I watched my mom go through this with her mom, one of the few people in this world I've ever truly disliked. My grandmother was manipulative, emotionally abusive and ungrateful for everything my mom did for her as she got older.

 

Eventually my step-granddad got sick and my grandmother, having refused help, nearly killed him by mis-dosing his meds at the time she ran into some mobility issues. Her beloved dog also drowned in their Jacuzzi because she forget she let him out.

 

This took her slightly off her high horse. She was still grumpy and cold, but the abuse and manipulation lessened. By the end, she had almost come around to some semblance of gratitude.

 

d0nnivain, you may have to let this play out a bit. Absent commitment, no way to completely protect her from herself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Yes, it does sounds like attention seeking, but of course no one's going to change her at this late stage. And of course you don't want to leave her homeless. Just be sure and try to share the responsibilities of caring for her with her favorite daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if she won't have any of it. Parents often favor the child whose approval they seek.

[WasOtherWoman]

You know, i am starting to see this in folks as they get older. My husband's mother was very similar to your MIL, felt we "owed her". The same selfish passive aggressive nonsense.

 

It used to get to me, but then i just decided that I really didn't care. Put boundaries around how much we would contribute (the siblings had not a pot to pee in themselves) and then just put the rest on ignore.

 

We moved to FL a year ago, and I have met (ha.. as you can imagine) many more older folks. I think somehow they start regressing (and rebelling) as they age.

 

I know it is hard, believe me, but take the high road and ignore the noise. Hang in there, you know you are doing the right thing.

 

If it makes you feel any better, my husband's mother would look at what i was wearing at home (generally shorts and a t shirt) and point out that husbands ex-wife would not be caught DEAD in that outfit :laugh:. I heartily agreed with her, because it is true that the ex is much more fashionable than I.

 

Ignore!

[BettyDraper]

Life is short... I don't keep anything or anyone in my life that causes me grief or angst (this includes my mother).

 

It is clear that your MIL is causing you grief and angst. No amount of appreciation (on the home) is worth this level of unhappiness. If your husband is OK with selling the house, sell it. Tell MIL to go "fend for herself". Print out some low cost rentals and rooms for rent. Your MIL may also qualify for a HUD rental or reduced cost "Senior Living". There are a lot of programs available for seniors on fixed incomes. In the end, hand her a packet of information, an eviction notice and drive a "For Sale" sign into the yard.

 

I hate the level of disrespect this woman has shown you, after you give her a free place to live.

 

Just my two cents...

 

I love this idea.

 

OP, you can allow your husband to sell your house and buy a another rental property. The two of you can find good tenants which will be less of a headache.

 

Sometimes tough love is necessary when dealing with family members.

[healing light]

Ugh. This sounds like the MIL from hell. She has a personality disorder, not dementia, imo. It would be interesting to see how much she shapes up once the gravy train is cut off.

[clia]

DH shares my views & actually told her that. MIL was shocked that he called her out on some of her lies & exaggerations. DH is more hard hearted about it than I am. He'd sell the house.

 

If your husband wants to sell the house, you should let him. It's his mother. I don't really understand why you are the one on the phone yelling at her about the holidays, asking her about this and that, etc. It's his mother and he should be the primary one dealing with these issues. I really think you should back off and let him decide what to do about her. I tend to think you are enabling her too much.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think I'm enabling MIL. We don't pay her other bills, nor would I.

 

We bought a building. MIL lives there. I'm not getting involved with long distance tenants. That is a real legal nightmare. I'd have to have a property manager etc. For now we are doing what we can to enhance our investment. The value of the property has appreciated since we bought the house even before the improvements we made.

 

I used to call MIL because I was trying to be supportive. Since that backfired on me, now I just call when need to know what's going on with the building. I have the flexibility during the day to deal with contractors etc. DH does not. He works for the federal gov't & would get fired for doing personal things on company time. When he's off so are the people working on the house.

 

My issue isn't the money. My issue is MIL lying to me. I'm not crazy about the passive aggressive drama but I have a better handle on that now that we've been back home for a few weeks.

 

Even after 10 years I am still getting a handle on DH"s family dynamic. While he & I are very similar, his family dynamic is just so foreign to me. I also recognized that over the years he adopted more of my family traits. He's better educated then his family & has a more conservative / prudent outlook on life.

 

I'm just going to keep my eyes open for signs that what I view as MIL's idiosyncrasies are just her attention seeking entitled diva ways vs. a genuine health issue like dementia.