Sisters Before Misters? Literally!

[vla1120]

This isn't really about me. It's my daughters. It's killing me because I know it won't turn out well.

 

My 34-yr-old was seeing a 26-27 yr old guy for about a month. They went out three, maybe four times. My daughter is ready for a serious relationship (biological clock ticking and all that), he told her from day one he was not looking for a relationship. On a few occasions, when they met up after hours at whatever hangout, she brought her sisters (29 and 22) with her and he brought his friends and they all hung out. My 22-yr-old hit it off with one of his friends, however, she's engaged to her boyfriend (who lives on the opposite coast and only sees her about twice a year), so it's not like it's romantic. Fast forward a few weeks later, the guy stops contacting my oldest. He ghosted her. She was being a bit obsessive and blew up his phone, which probably turned him off even more.

 

Meanwhile, my 22-yr-old, who always has her location turned on in Snapchat, suddenly turns off her location. My oldest calls me, upset one night, asking if I know where my youngest is. She suspects she is hanging with his friend that she hit it off with, and therefore, hanging out with the guy who ghosted her, too. I tell her that's no big deal, but if she is, she knows how possessive her big sister is and probably doesn't want to upset her, so my oldest letting it go would be the best thing. Now, 4-5 days later, her sister (the youngest) is also being very evasive about her activities (my daughters are all very close, so this is a huge red flag for the oldest. If she's hanging with that guy she met, her sister just wants to know and hear it from her. Why all the secrecy?, is her question.)

 

Thursday, I notice my youngest is very down and depressed. I come right out and say "If you are hanging with this guys friend, no big deal. Just tell your sister and be done with it! If you have feelings for him and are worried about your fiancé, let's be honest. He refuses to move here. You refuse to move there. How is that ever going to work? Don't cheat on him, though. Do the right thing." She starts crying and tells me it's not the friend. It's the guy my oldest was dating. They have fallen for each other. He wants to be in a relationship with her (he did not, with my oldest) and she has never felt like this with someone, even her fiancé, who she has been with since she was 14.

 

What a cluster..... That was Thursday. Today, she was with him all day and had my vehicle. I went outside for a walk, realizing immediately I locked myself out because my youngest had my vehicle/keys. I called the oldest, who came to let me in. She was asking "Where's [the youngest]? Why is she being so secretive?!" She knows something is up. It is NOT my place to tell her, so I am keeping my mouth shut. I did implore my youngest to either end it right now, or come clean with her sister.

 

I really wish she would end it because I know my oldest. This will not be good. Her sisters cannot even buy the same shirt from Urban Outfitters if she already owns it. Dating a guy who ghosted her???

 

What would you do in this situation? As the youngest sister, I mean. I'm keeping MY mouth shut!

Edited October 15, 2018 by vla1120

[guest569]

What should your youngest do? That is such a huge betrayal to her !fiance! as well as her sister. And you thought you didn't have to worry about this one?

[thefooloftheyear]

Your eldest will never forgive her and it will cause a huge family rift...Id advise her to use better judgement, but you never know what she'll do...Ive seen families completely broken apart over this stuff...Happened with a distant cousin of mine, she got outed and they still don't talk and its been 30 years now..

 

TFY

[Poutrew]

Yep, you sure called it right: a huge cluster**ck. And, sorry mama, but it is going to get even worse for you when the cat is finally out of the bag and oldest child realizes you knew all about it and kept silent. In her eyes, she may perceive it as you taking sides. And your youngest is cheating to boot... the only advice I have is for you to buy a really good pair of asbestos underwear...

[vla1120]

Smiley1, I worry about all of them all the time. Of the three of them, she is the least “fragile”, I guess I would say.

 

Poutrew, it is not me picking one daughter over another. It is not my place to get involved. The best I can do is advise her. She’s not talking to me right now because I have told her to do the right thing. Breaking up with her fiancé was the first step in the right direction and she did that right after I posted. I will not out her to her sister. That’s on her and she better be ready to let the chips fall where they may.

 

I know how my daughters think. My withholding that info from my oldest is not going to affect our relationship. She knows something is up and has made it clear numerous times that she needs to hear it from her sister and no one else. I agree with her.

 

Oh, and as far as my youngest cheating on her fiancé, (and I use that term loosely, as I have said), he quite often goes out on seekingareangements dot com and goes out with older wealthy women to make money on the side. Yeah. Basically, he’a a gigolo. Their relationship has been a sham for years. I’m glad that hot mess of a fraud has finally come to an end. I just don’t like how it happened and I hate that it will hurt my daughter. Why were they engaged to begin with? I think it was a “safe” relationship for them both.

 

My oldest looks in the wrong places for the wrong types and then forces her agenda on them. I am hoping that when she starts to pick up the pieces, she’ll think about talking to someone about her tactics. There is something to be learned from this. No one is ever going to look twice at her if she continues to act like an obsessive crazy chick, blowing up a guy’s phone if he doesn’t respond to her when she thinks he should.

 

I am critical of BOTH of my daughters’ actions. I just hope they can mend fences quickly, and I hope this guy is worth the heartache he is causing in my family.

 

I'll let you know how it works out when it hits the fan. I've been crying off and on all evening because I know how detrimental this can be to my daughters. I don't get how you have such strong feelings for someone SO fast that you are willing to destroy a loved one over a guy you've known for a hot second - and that goes for BOTH of them!

Edited October 15, 2018 by vla1120

[whyamisounlucky]

The situation is messy, but I think your oldest is overreacting. She should know better. First, the guy told her he wasn’t looking for a relationship, so she knew he would eventually disappear. And “not ready for a relationship” always means “not ready to bd with you.” So, she shoudl have known that when someone else enters her guy’s life, he will be gone. Second, they only saw each other 3-4 times. He met someone he was more compatible with.. and of course, he disappeared. I am not justifying his actions, but it happens all the time. It would be better if this other girl wasn’t the youngest sister, but again... this would eventually happen either way.

[vla1120]

The situation is messy, but I think your oldest is overreacting. She should know better. First, the guy told her he wasn’t looking for a relationship, so she knew he would eventually disappear. And “not ready for a relationship” always means “not ready to bd with you.” So, she shoudl have known that when someone else enters her guy’s life, he will be gone. Second, they only saw each other 3-4 times. He met someone he was more compatible with.. and of course, he disappeared. I am not justifying his actions, but it happens all the time. It would be better if this other girl wasn’t the youngest sister, but again... this would eventually happen either way.

 

I agree. I hope she will see it that way. If she can step away from the emotion and think logically, she will see it that way. Why pursue someone who doesn't have an interest in you? Also, she works long hours and is a home body, and she won't meet anyone at work. She did that once and it did not turn out well. The only time she goes out is with her sisters, to bars. She's not going to meet the man of her dreams in a bar. I wish she would try one of those serious (paid) websites for people trying to settle down. Maybe she'll have some luck. At least she'd be meeting people who ARE looking for the same thing.

[preraph]

Tell your youngest that she has 3 days to tell your sister or break up with the guy her choice. And then tell her if she hasn't told her in three days you were going to have to because she has a right to know.

 

Your youngest is being a jerk and she's going to get a jerk in the bargain so it serves her right. She's competitive with her sister and she just had to steal her man. She is never going to be forgiven for that. They now have a toxic relationship and shouldn't even be around each other. Your other daughter should not have to keep someone toxic in her life who is out to compete with and hurt her. It's not fair. So you should in no way be telling your older daughter to make amends with her. you should fully support her and leave it up to her if she wants to make amends or not.

[guest569]

I think I could easily just cut off a sister who did this to me.For quite a while.

[vla1120]

Wow. Just wow. Let’s keep it in perspective, here. This is a guy my oldest saw three-four times max - at a bar. They were not dating. I don’t necessarily agree with how my youngest is handling it, but she’s not satan, for crying out loud. Will there be anger? Yes. Is this a wake up call for my oldest not to force herself on younger, unwilling guys who she scares away with her ticking biological clock? Yes. He was honest from the moment they met, he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Thank God my daughters are not SO petty that they would become estranged over this. I’m sure some of you think that remains to be seen. I know better.

 

Thanks for all of your opinions.

[vla1120]

By the way, she has already made arrangements to meet with her sister tomorrow to discuss it. They’ll be just fine. Thanks.

[guest569]

You're welcome.

[snowcones]

I'm with the older sister on this one. Younger sister was in the wrong and should be cut off if she won't dump that dude, because she can't be trusted. (dude probably just wants to use younger sis anyway, but she wants to believe she is different)

[salparadise]

Wow. Just wow. Let’s keep it in perspective, here. This is a guy my oldest saw three-four times max - at a bar. They were not dating. I don’t necessarily agree with how my youngest is handling it, but she’s not satan, for crying out loud.

 

I hope it works out for the best, but I think there will be fireworks.

 

Firstly, as you said, the older sister wasn't in a relationship with the guy, she only wished she was. She got ghosted, or dumped. He was never hers, so while she has no rational reason to be possessive, that's not how the emotions work. This is understandable.

 

Second, of all the friggin guys on the planet, the younger chose her sister's crush (for lack of a better word) to hook up and cheat on her fiancé with! Do you think it was some random fairy-dust particles floating through the universe that motivated her to pick this guy? Nope. This is about one-upping her sister––yanking her chain in a way the most sisters would never dream of. If the younger had an ounce of loyalty to her sister this would be the last guy she'd consider. And if she had an ounce of loyalty to her fiancé or herself she wouldn't be schutping anyone. I hope the older sister is not prone to violence.

Edited October 15, 2018 by salparadise

[elaine567]

Hands off does not mean neutral here, hands off means you are assisting the younger sister in hoodwinking the older sister.

 

This will cut deep. The older sister is 34 with no prospects and her baby sister just stole her date...

Not good.

[vla1120]

I apologize for being defensive. This situation really stinks.

 

Yes - I am angry at my youngest for the exact reason mentioned here. In a world full of guys, you couldn't help yourself from being attracted to the ONE guy your sister was interested in? Honestly, she deserves whatever happens because there is no way that she is so deeply invested in this guy she's known for a couple weeks that she could not have told him to back off - it's not happening.

 

I am frustrated with my oldest daughter for having the reputation of the "bat-sh*t-crazy-stalker-chick" who sizes guys up for marriage upon their first meeting, then pursues them relentlessly, whether or not they are interested in her. During my latest insomniac moment last night, I counted up how many years she has wasted on guys that she thought were "the one" when everyone (literally everyone) around her knew, and told her, that these guys were NOT going to work out. Twelve. Twelve years wasted.

 

I am also angry at my youngest for (whether inadvertently or not) putting me in a position where I have information that is NONE of my business, but that I KNOW will hurt my daughter, and then dragging her feet to address this issue with her sister. I still maintain that it is not my place to tell my oldest. That's not me picking one daughter over the other. That is me forcing my youngest daughter to step up, take responsibility for her actions, and face her sister with the truth, come what may.

 

The ONLY good thing that has come out of this is that she finally broke up with her "boyfriend/fiance" of 8 years. As I said, that relationship has taken its own toll. It was toxic. It was going nowhere and I am glad it's over.

 

The showdown is scheduled for this evening. I don't know what will happen. Maybe midstream, my youngest will realize no guy is worth severing a relationship with your sister. That won't stop the hemorrhaging, however. It will be too late.

 

I am going to encourage the oldest to seek therapy for her own good. It would not hurt the youngest, either. Maybe going together will be the only way to salvage their relationship, in the end.

 

I feel like maybe I'm being a bit dramatic? But then again.....no.

Edited October 15, 2018 by vla1120

[Shining One]

I will never understand women's practice of "claiming" men for eternity. The oldest sister saw him first, thus all of her family and friends must stay away, despite the fact that nothing ever happened between her and the man in question.

 

I once dated an older sister for a couple months. She ended up rejecting me. I took her younger sister to a concert that I had originally planned on taking her to (plans were made before she rejected me). The younger sister and I had a blast and ended up in bed. The older sister exploded at both of us when she found out. I never slept with the older sister and she was the one who rejected me, but she was still furious.

 

I have two male cousins who are twins. One of them is married with kids to the other's ex-girlfriend and their brotherly relationship is just fine.

[vla1120]

I will never understand women's practice of "claiming" men for eternity. The oldest sister saw him first, thus all of her family and friends must stay away, despite the fact that nothing ever happened between her and the man in question.

 

I once dated an older sister for a couple months. She ended up rejecting me. I took her younger sister to a concert that I had originally planned on taking her to (plans were made before she rejected me). The younger sister and I had a blast and ended up in bed. The older sister exploded at both of us when she found out. I never slept with the older sister and she was the one who rejected me, but she was still furious.

 

I have two male cousins who are twins. One of them is married with kids to the other's ex-girlfriend and their brotherly relationship is just fine.

 

This! Exactly! These situations should not result in estrangements, but my daughter is like the older sister you dated, I guess.

[stillafool]

I knew exactly where this was headed when you said the 22 year old showed up that night. Of course he's going to fall for the younger sister. Men.

[vla1120]

I knew exactly where this was headed when you said the 22 year old showed up that night. Of course he's going to fall for the younger sister. Men.

 

...and that is what makes no sense to me. My two older daughters are competitive. My oldest has always been a second mom to my youngest. They are very close. The oldest actually asked the youngest to accompany her every time she went to hang out with this guy because she felt she didn’t have much in common with him and his friends. I don’t think she’ll ever ask her out to accompany her again. But then, if she tried to meet someone her own age and mindset, she wouldn’t need her younger sister to bridge that gap.

[thefooloftheyear]

Women have to compete like friggin wildcats with women off the street, the last thing they should want to feel is that they can't even get some loyalty among their own siblings...

 

Like others have said...She(younger one) should have backed off and not go anywhere near...And I bet this guy is probably no prize, either...Like others have said....Of all the guys on Earth, she has to go after that one guy? ,...crazy...

 

Forgive me for saying this, but I don't think you are handling this properly...Most mothers(and fathers, btw) I know would get involved...

 

TFY

[Whodatdog]

Young sister did not "steal" this man from older sister. This just flat out stupid. You cant steal people, especially when they werent even in a relationship. Its not like young sister stole older sister's husband. They dated a few times, and he didnt like her. He left. If older sister had half a brain she'd shrug her shoulders and say oh well, have at it. Hope you have better luck than I did.

 

The issue here isnt that she's dating someone that her older sister dated, its the fact she's keeping it from her older sister. I swear they are all acting like 15 year olds. There is no reason this shouldnt get blown over in a few days, once younger sister talks to older sister. Unless older sister wants to hold a grudge, which will be her loss.

[elaine567]

Women have to compete like friggin wildcats with women off the street, the last thing they should want to feel is that they can't even get some loyalty among their own siblings...

If she cannot rely on her sister to have her back, then who can she rely on?

[Springsummer]

This! Exactly! These situations should not result in estrangements, but my daughter is like the older sister you dated, I guess.

 

No. Not the same at all.

 

The older sister rejected him. but in your case, the older sister was rejected even after begging the guy.

 

Huge difference.

 

I will have no problem for myself if my sister dating someone I rejected. I only feel bad for my sister and think she should get a better one. but someone who want my sister instead of me? that must hurt like hell. I mean, why is my sis so much better than me? even if I know that's not my sister's fault I will avoid seeing them both at all cost.

[bathtub-row]

Your eldest daughter shouldn’t have been dating a man who was so much younger than her and who had no interest in taking the relationship further. Especially since she wants a family. Personally, I think she needs to get over herself and give her sister her blessings. If she didn’t want this other guy getting interested in her sister, she should’ve never introduced them. They were the obvious better fit and she should’ve seen the potential of that happening.