Sisters Before Misters? Literally!

[Chilli]

l'd think it's gonna all come down to their personalities and nature , hope it doesn't get too stormy,

But if things do get back to normal the older one will see in the future that it really ain't a good idea taking her 22yr old sister to dates or meeting guys.

And also that at her age and to be wanting a family, l know she was infatuated but it's just stupid chasing 27yr old guys.

 

Hopefully it all just pans out to a wake up call she had to have.

 

with a bit of luck you won't need any armor haha.

Edited October 15, 2018 by Chilli

[preraph]

It's no coincidence your youngest, at an age when she could have her pick of most of the billion other men, that she chose to go after her sister's date.

 

someone should point out to her that fact and also the fact that why would she want to date someone who would go out with the woman he's already dating sister. Just the fact that he came after her or took her up on it which ever happened shows that he is no prize, and it's time she learned that. Stealing other people's men won't get you anything except no friends and bad guys with no boundaries.

[vla1120]

Well. I gave the youngest until 5pm today to address this because it is completely unfair to put me in the middle, knowing my oldest is discussing it with me, going crazy because she knows something is going on, but her sister won’t talk to her. The youngest would not respond to me or return my calls all day. Her older sister now knows and her little sister is “dead to her.” My family was decimated on October 15th, 2018 over one unnecessary, selfish move by someone I thought I knew, who I thought I raised better.

[Shining One]

It's no coincidence your youngest, at an age when she could have her pick of most of the billion other men, that she chose to go after her sister's date.

 

someone should point out to her that fact and also the fact that why would she want to date someone who would go out with the woman he's already dating sister. Just the fact that he came after her or took her up on it which ever happened shows that he is no prize, and it's time she learned that. Stealing other people's men won't get you anything except no friends and bad guys with no boundaries.

Genuine question here: At what point does someone become "someone's man"? Follow-up question: Does the man in question have any say in that matter?

[Springsummer]

Genuine question here: At what point does someone become "someone's man"? Follow-up question: Does the man in question have any say in that matter?

 

well, I don't think it's stealing, because he was never hers. BUT, I suppose he must have slept with the eldest? I think it's implied in the thread.

[bathtub-row]

Ok. If I were the kids’ mother, I’d sit them both down and have a strong talk, telling them that they’re both being ridiculous and that you will not tolerate creating a rift in the family over this. Then I’d tell the oldest daughter to get a grip, grow up, and deal with it like an adult.

[Springsummer]

Your eldest daughter shouldn’t have been dating a man who was so much younger than her and who had no interest in taking the relationship further. Especially since she wants a family. Personally, I think she needs to get over herself and give her sister her blessings. If she didn’t want this other guy getting interested in her sister, she should’ve never introduced them. They were the obvious better fit and she should’ve seen the potential of that happening.

 

Well, I think the youngest shouldn't have a relationship with a man who slept with her sis and hurt her sis's feelings as well.

 

first, the man slapped her sis now she backstabbing her sis.

 

except if they are really soulmates. but I doubt a man who sleep around easily is capable of soul mating anyone. he just likes younger flesh. so no prize.

[Shining One]

BUT, I suppose he must have slept with the eldest? I think it's implied in the thread.

That's not the impression I got from the post below...

This is a guy my oldest saw three-four times max - at a bar. They were not dating.

[thefooloftheyear]

Ok. If I were the kids’ mother, I’d sit them both down and have a strong talk, telling them that they’re both being ridiculous and that you will not tolerate creating a rift in the family over this. Then I’d tell the oldest daughter to get a grip, grow up, and deal with it like an adult.

 

 

Yeah.....just like that.....

 

I usually find your opinions sensible, but c'mon, really???

 

Blood is supposed to be thicker than strangers....What message does this send ?? That anything goes? All's fair??

 

And the guy is a heartless douchebag to be going for the sister of a woman that he rejected....What does he think will happen if he goes over to the house now? Or should he just go there when the older sister isn't around.?? How effing weird and uncomfortable it would be in the middle of that...Id shoo her off if I were him and find someone else..Its not worth it...

 

Some things you just don't do....This is one of them....It WILL cause a rift, whether anyone likes it or not...Sure, they are all adults and at the end of the day they will do whatever they want..but be prepared for the inevitable..

 

TFY

[bathtub-row]

Yeah.....just like that.....

 

I usually find your opinions sensible, but c'mon, really???

 

Blood is supposed to be thicker than strangers....What message does this send ?? That anything goes? All's fair??

 

And the guy is a heartless douchebag to be going for the sister of a woman that he rejected....What does he think will happen if he goes over to the house now? Or should he just go there when the older sister isn't around.?? How effing weird and uncomfortable it would be in the middle of that...Id shoo her off if I were him and find someone else..Its not worth it...

 

Some things you just don't do....This is one of them....It WILL cause a rift, whether anyone likes it or not...Sure, they are all adults and at the end of the day they will do whatever they want..but be prepared for the inevitable..

 

TFY

 

Doesn’t matter. Family should not get torn apart over ignorant things like this. And, for me, I’d make sure my kids knew about it. Nor does anyone do anyone any favors by jumping all over them about who they date. In this case, the relationship may not last anyway. Regardless, if it were that big of a deal to the older sister, she would’ve had the sense not to introduce her younger sister - who was closer in age to the guy - to him in the first place.

[thefooloftheyear]

Doesn’t matter. Family should not get torn apart over ignorant things like this. And, for me, I’d make sure my kids knew about it. Nor does anyone do anyone any favors by jumping all over them about who they date. In this case, the relationship may not last anyway. Regardless, if it were that big of a deal to the older sister, she would’ve had the sense not to introduce her younger sister - who was closer in age to the guy - to him in the first place.

 

 

Soooo..... you think a woman should never introduce a guy to her sister....she might just catch his eye and she'll lose her chance.....what??

 

Well....I just don't know how to really comprehend that statement...My family doesn't work that way....Like I said earlier in the thread...Unlike most guys, who seem to honor a code with other guys and women, women(on the street, anyway) generally don't ....If they can pull a guy from another woman, they generally will.. Not all, but quite a few.....

But FFS, not among their own siblings....you would think that they would value their own sister/sister relationship over some guy who is probably a aszhole for even getting in the middle.....

 

TFY

[bathtub-row]

Soooo..... you think a woman should never introduce a guy to her sister....she might just catch his eye and she'll lose her chance.....what??

 

Well....I just don't know how to really comprehend that statement...My family doesn't work that way....Like I said earlier in the thread...Unlike most guys, who seem to honor a code with other guys and women, women(on the street, anyway) generally don't ....If they can pull a guy from another woman, they generally will.. Not all, but quite a few.....

But FFS, not among their own siblings....you would think that they would value their own sister/sister relationship over some guy who is probably a aszhole for even getting in the middle.....

 

TFY

 

All I'm saying is that none of it is worth tearing the family apart over it. It's not like they cheated with one another while the guy and older sister were still together. Should the younger sister have asked her older sister before dating the guy? Yes, that would've been the courteous and right thing to do. Should the older sister make such an issue of this that it tears the family apart? I don't think so.

 

As far as introducing her sister to the guy, I'm only saying that there was a good chance that the two would've hit it off because of their age and the fact that he and the older sister hadn't been dating that long. Aside from that, the guy had already made it clear that he wasn't interested a serious relationship with her, plus he was too young for her. Their relationship was on the rocks before it ever got off the ground. As far as I can see, neither of the sisters acted all that brilliantly. Again, though, it's just a guy and girl dating. So what? Not a reason to rip up a family.

[guest569]

The youngest would not respond to me or return my calls all day. Her older sister now knows and her little sister is “dead to her.” My family was decimated on October 15th, 2018 over one unnecessary, selfish move by someone I thought I knew, who I thought I raised better.

 

Which one are you referring to? Seems like you're siding with the younger because you think the elder is overreacting because in your opinion she wasn't dating the man. She was dating and emotionally invested and the younger sis betrayed her. It is NOT her fault for dating a younger guy. She can date who she likes. It is NOT her fault for introducing them. Crikey. I made a mental note to never introduce a man to my family cause next they will all divorce their partners and start shagging my boyfriend. Or "this guy I hang out with 4 times at bars" if that's not dating, what the hell is.

[guest569]

Well....I just don't know how to really comprehend that statement...My family doesn't work that way....Like I said earlier in the thread...Unlike most guys, who seem to honor a code with other guys and women, women(on the street, anyway) generally don't ....If they can pull a guy from another woman, they generally will.. Not all, but quite a few.....

But FFS, not among their own siblings....you would think that they would value their own sister/sister relationship over some guy who is probably a aszhole for even getting in the middle.....

 

TFY

 

I think there is also a sister code (for friends and family), there is no way I'm going to date someone who my friend or family are hung up on. Someone they are currently dating. Its way off limits and such a betrayal.

 

It's not the older sisters fault for "decimating the family" it's the youngest for behaving horribly, cheating on her fiance and betraying her sister. Not sure why yall defending her. And not sure why mother favours the younger as they both seem equally messed up.

[elaine567]

The older sister is always going to have to introduce her date, bf, husband to her younger sister.

It is not really her fault she is older and her sister is "more desirable" being so much younger, but now she can't trust her own sister to keep her hands off.

This is going to make family get togethers fun... NOT

 

If the older sister was a lot younger, and had potential dates lining up and was hugely successful in her dating she might have shrugged this off, "Easy come, easy go, you are welcome to the rat", but the older sister is struggling, her sister knew she was struggling and chose to kick her in the teeth anyway. An apology even if it was forthcoming will not heal this rift easily, this is fundamental betrayal.

This will hurt big time, on so many levels, so even if the older sister can on the surface be persuaded to come round and "forgive" for the good of the family, I guess deep down she is still going to be wounded and end up very sore over the whole episode.

[Springsummer]

It's backstabbing...because if not because of her sis, she would still be dating/seeing the guy, even if she knows she will not have a relationship with him.

 

The guy only ghosted her because of her sis.

[Springsummer]

If the older sister was a lot younger, and had potential dates lining up and was hugely successful in her dating she might have shrugged this off, "Easy come, easy go, you are welcome to the rat", but the older sister is struggling, her sister knew she was struggling and chose to kick her in the teeth anyway.

 

yup. it's like putting salt on her sis's most vulnerable spots.

[Whodatdog]

It's backstabbing...because if not because of her sis, she would still be dating/seeing the guy, even if she knows she will not have a relationship with him.

 

The guy only ghosted her because of her sis.

 

If it wouldnt have been the younger sister, it would have been someone else. The guy had no interest in the older sister, they only had a few casual bar dates. The older sister is wrong not dropping this because the guy had no interest in her, and the young sister is wrong for hiding it, instead of coming right out and telling older sis that she was dating him.

 

I know lots of situations where people dated someone a few times and then switched to a brother/sister. I know where people are now married from this situation. No one can "claim" a person. If these sisters were close as they claim, they'd be happy the other found someone to date.

[Springsummer]

If it wouldnt have been the younger sister, it would have been someone else. The guy had no interest in the older sister, they only had a few casual bar dates. The older sister is wrong not dropping this because the guy had no interest in her, and the young sister is wrong for hiding it, instead of coming right out and telling older sis that she was dating him.

 

I know lots of situations where people dated someone a few times and then switched to a brother/sister. I know where people are now married from this situation. No one can "claim" a person. If these sisters were close as they claim, they'd be happy the other found someone to date.

 

Others is called competition. sister is called betrayal.

[thefooloftheyear]

If it wouldnt have been the younger sister, it would have been someone else. The guy had no interest in the older sister, they only had a few casual bar dates. The older sister is wrong not dropping this because the guy had no interest in her, and the young sister is wrong for hiding it, instead of coming right out and telling older sis that she was dating him.

 

I know lots of situations where people dated someone a few times and then switched to a brother/sister. I know where people are now married from this situation. No one can "claim" a person. If these sisters were close as they claim, they'd be happy the other found someone to date.

 

 

Sure...no one can claim anyone...but sometimes you need to step back....for the better of the family...

 

And you are off on the bolded...It's the exact opposite...The closer they are the more it will hurt...They won't "send blessings" ...They'll feel like crap..

 

The best analogy I can come up with is let's say you were a marginal athlete and always wanted to play on the football team...So you worked your ass off and got on the team...Your younger brother was a better athlete and played on the hockey team...But now he decides to try out for football...He makes the team easily and you get benched....or even cut from the squad...

 

You think you would be ok with that?? I mean, he could have just as easily stayed on the hockey team...Or tell the coach something like.."well...if me being on the team means my brother loses out, then i'll go back to hockey and let him have the spot"...Or just be happy for my brother that he made the football team and don't even bother trying out...Its not worth losing family over it, or even having hard feelings...

 

It's just what families do....this isn't that hard to understand...

 

TFY

[bathtub-row]

I agree that there’s a family code that was broken here but it’s done and everyone just needs to get over it and move on. That’s all I’m saying. This is not so monumental that a family needs to be destroyed by it.

[nospam99]

I don't usually (have enough interest to) go back and look at an OP's history. But in this case I did because I recalled something and because I think 'older sister' is being and has been for some time an immature azshole.

 

Recently in another thread OP posted (my bolding):

 

My 34 year old has had no luck with dating. She had a couple serious relationships when she was younger. None of them lasted (thankfully, because they were all disastrous.) She has all of these "rules" for dating - no one who has been married before, no one with children, no one she works with, etc. If she exchanges numbers with someone, they must text her first. After a date, if she hears from him too soon, that's bad. If she hears from him later than expected, that's bad too. (She talks about these contact rules like it's widely known in her age group.) She seems to be attracted to jerks, for some reason and she wasted SO much time with them in her 20's, now she feels her biological clock is ticking, so when she does meet someone, I think she automatically starts sizing them up as to whether they are marriage material. I joke with her that she is text book example of why there should be arranged marriages (half joking, really.)

 

All my kids are boys (well, 'young men' now) so I don't have any experience dealing with daughters. But I really believe this 'young woman' has at least ten years of growing up to do that is long overdue and someone ought to 'read her the riot act'.

 

As far as the 'stolen' bf goes, yeah, it could have been handled better by the younger sister. But I see the base cause of this family spat as the older sister's foolishness about picking the wrong types of men as potential mates and getting possessive about this one with absolutely no reason other than 'I want it'. That's 14 y/o behavior (ditto her dating rules), not 34.

[bathtub-row]

I don't usually (have enough interest to) go back and look at an OP's history. But in this case I did because I recalled something and because I think 'older sister' is being and has been for some time an immature azshole.

 

Recently in another thread OP posted (my bolding):

 

My 34 year old has had no luck with dating. She had a couple serious relationships when she was younger. None of them lasted (thankfully, because they were all disastrous.) She has all of these "rules" for dating - no one who has been married before, no one with children, no one she works with, etc. If she exchanges numbers with someone, they must text her first. After a date, if she hears from him too soon, that's bad. If she hears from him later than expected, that's bad too. (She talks about these contact rules like it's widely known in her age group.) She seems to be attracted to jerks, for some reason and she wasted SO much time with them in her 20's, now she feels her biological clock is ticking, so when she does meet someone, I think she automatically starts sizing them up as to whether they are marriage material. I joke with her that she is text book example of why there should be arranged marriages (half joking, really.)

 

All my kids are boys (well, 'young men' now) so I don't have any experience dealing with daughters. But I really believe this 'young woman' has at least ten years of growing up to do that is long overdue and someone ought to 'read her the riot act'.

 

As far as the 'stolen' bf goes, yeah, it could have been handled better by the younger sister. But I see the base cause of this family spat as the older sister's foolishness about picking the wrong types of men as potential mates and getting possessive about this one with absolutely no reason other than 'I want it'. That's 14 y/o behavior (ditto her dating rules), not 34.

 

I would also bold “has ten years of growing up to do”. That says it all.

[guest569]

Yes I had read OPs previous post about the daughter and thought it was a bit harsh (notice that she doesn't worry about the younger as she is engaged so everything is hunky dory but the older is a train wreck) . It also doesn't change the fact that the younger sister has betrayed and hurt her by stealing her man.

 

Why should the fact she dated a younger man that wasn't that keen on a relationship mean that it is OK for her engaged sister to just go for it behind her back. It's not OK.

Edited October 17, 2018 by smiley1

[vla1120]

I don't usually (have enough interest to) go back and look at an OP's history. But in this case I did because I recalled something and because I think 'older sister' is being and has been for some time an immature azshole.

 

Recently in another thread OP posted (my bolding):

 

My 34 year old has had no luck with dating. She had a couple serious relationships when she was younger. None of them lasted (thankfully, because they were all disastrous.) She has all of these "rules" for dating - no one who has been married before, no one with children, no one she works with, etc. If she exchanges numbers with someone, they must text her first. After a date, if she hears from him too soon, that's bad. If she hears from him later than expected, that's bad too. (She talks about these contact rules like it's widely known in her age group.) She seems to be attracted to jerks, for some reason and she wasted SO much time with them in her 20's, now she feels her biological clock is ticking, so when she does meet someone, I think she automatically starts sizing them up as to whether they are marriage material. I joke with her that she is text book example of why there should be arranged marriages (half joking, really.)

 

All my kids are boys (well, 'young men' now) so I don't have any experience dealing with daughters. But I really believe this 'young woman' has at least ten years of growing up to do that is long overdue and someone ought to 'read her the riot act'.

 

As far as the 'stolen' bf goes, yeah, it could have been handled better by the younger sister. But I see the base cause of this family spat as the older sister's foolishness about picking the wrong types of men as potential mates and getting possessive about this one with absolutely no reason other than 'I want it'. That's 14 y/o behavior (ditto her dating rules), not 34.

 

I would also bold “has ten years of growing up to do”. That says it all.

 

Yes I had read OPs previous post about the daughter and thought it was a bit harsh (notice that she doesn't worry about the younger as she is engaged so everything is hunky dory but the older is a train wreck) . It also doesn't change the fact that the younger sister has betrayed and hurt her by stealing her man.

 

Why should the fact she dated a younger man that wasn't that keen on a relationship mean that it is OK for her engaged sister to just go for it behind her back. It's not OK.

 

First of all - I'm not a "bit harsh" about my oldest. It's simply the truth. What I see by reading all my previous posts is that it was quite OBVIOUS that this was all coming to a head. It will never be okay that her younger sister started with this guy simply for the fact that she KNOWS her sister. The two younger girls have, at times, had to return clothing when they found out the older sister already had that exact article of clothing." Seriously? I could see saying "Let's coordinate so we never wear it at the same time." But for them to have to return it when it was just a coincidental purchase? Nah. That's just ridiculous. By the way, the youngest is no longer engaged, obviously.

 

I've seen the sibling-dating-other-sibling's-ex more than once. My younger sister was dating a guy. The guy was head over heels for her. Then, she met the younger brother (who was her age, the older one was 4-5 years older) and they fell head-over-heels for each other. They have been married for over 30 years and have a good relationship with the older brother. Brothers don't seem to explode over this like sisters do. Even then, I think it has more to do with personality. For me personally, I've had guys that I was going out with turn toward my friends. In one case, after my "first love" broke up with me, he started trying to date one of my friends. The friend was too afraid to tell me about it, so I found out when I saw them driving together on a Saturday night (in my little one horse town, that was what we did - drove from one end of the town to the other end - one mile away - and hung out in our cars.) I was upset that she didn't talk to me about it, but I didn't go ballistic. My feelings were hurt. I didn't talk to her for a week or two, then I got over it.

 

One last thing. My oldest daughter has a drinking problem that she is not fully addressing. Her way of addressing it is to Lyft everywhere instead of driving. My philosophy has always been, if alcohol interferes at ALL in your life, then it is a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. But because she has this very successful career and is able to get out of bed and go to work on time after 2 (or more) bottles of wine at night, then it is not really a problem. She MIGHT weigh 100 lbs. One bottle of wine is too much, let alone 2 or more! Her behavior toward these guys is the deal breaker. After she's had 4 or more glasses of wine at night, she starts blowing up their phones and they kick her to the curb because of her stalkerish, psycho behavior. THAT is what she should be addressing.

 

There is more - like the fact that she blames my middle daughter - guilty by association simply because the two younger sisters live together under my roof. My middle daughter also pleaded with my youngest NOT to get involved with him. But she didn't feel it was her place to tell the oldest.

 

My world is upside down. I can't fix it. It's killing me. I keep telling myself this is not my problem. It's between my daughters and it's up to them to fix it. But, my nature is that I am a fixer. It's why I am in the position I am with my current husband. It's why I keep coming out here to read everyone's responses, hoping to find an answer. Maybe I need to work on the issue I have of feeling obligated to "fix" everyone's problems for them. Luckily, I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow. It was going to be about how my husband is trying so hard to draw me back in, but now it's going to have to be about this, too.

 

Or....I could just fly to a deserted tropical island somewhere and live off the land. I could do that. It would be easier than all of this.

Edited October 17, 2018 by vla1120