Dealing with vengence from spouse

[Tigey]

lost it all...career job...kids money to a spouse of 15 years who thinks I had an affair after he threw me onto the streets. Painful self deprecating time. Courts, adultery, loss of reputation shame...old parents shamed ….Prayed so much last 2 years...No one answered.

 

I love him and had blind trust and devotion. Just likea puppy who has no self respect. Put on weight...A person who held conversations with CEO lost confidence to uter a single word to her boss....just numb. Pain and dissolution....Seems like no way out.

 

Wish it just ends...Money...fame career nothing seems good enough...Betrayed by him and common friends who tricked me for flase evidences....

 

No one to talk to - Not a soul. Lonliness. Keep starting at the ceiling to just end it...my girls 4 / 6 yrs old ….all taken from me.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

Presuming you're in the US, courts don't care. Hire a lawyer, secure your marital rights in divorce, move forward and leave those who would so easily throw you under the bus behind. There are billions of humans on the planet and we owe nothing to any of them. You found that out in a somewhat brutal manner, unfortunately.

 

If you're in a country where women are oppressed in such a manner, leave. Yeah, that's tough I know. It's your life. Why spend it in a place and around people who are your enemies? Get out. Do what you need to do for yourself. Fight.

[Arris]

I don't know the details, but one thing at a time.

 

 

Secure your relationship with the kids, first and foremost.

Do not do anything with them that may be out of spite or despair at your husband. Love your kids for who they are and what they mean to you.

 

 

Believe in yourself, figure yourself out, read philosophy, stoic is a good one.

Stand firm in your beliefs. Do not let someone elses actions dictate who you are or what you can do.

 

 

The loneliness is tough, but find someone you may trust, let them know you have a serious issue if they have a minute to talk, and open up to them. You'll be surprised, and don't stop there, find someone else to talk to. Be honest as well, and talk to anyone you think may listen. Even an old friend from years past.

 

 

Money, reputation, certain things can all be regained, one thing at a time.

Work on yourself and the kids. Keep gutting through it.

 

 

Make sure people know you need some support in this rough time, don't be discouraged if you have trouble finding someone. Find support centers, call support numbers. Find out all your legal rights from an attorney, that may help, and even let them know you're struggling, talk to a few until you get a response you like.

[Mr. Lucky]

lost it all...career job...kids money to a spouse of 15 years who thinks I had an affair after he threw me onto the streets. Painful self deprecating time. Courts, adultery, loss of reputation shame...old parents shamed ….Prayed so much last 2 years...No one answered.

 

Assuming you're in the US or Western World, the courts don't terminate parental rights or strip you of all your financial means over adultery.

 

There has to be more to the story, Tigey please explain...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GinON]

Tigey,

This sounds terrible, please take the time to write some of this out. I found typing mine out here vague enough for privacy but in plenty of detail helpful and getting support here actually has made a huge difference for me.

 

Do make the effort to call support lines, find support groups or talk to people that you trust. I told a couple of friends about my issues and they were honored to be helpful.

 

Do call lawyers, some will talk to you for free for a half hour or so on the phone. Its amazing what knowing your rights can do for your anxiety.

 

Your kids do need you to find a way to be strong and you will find that you can get up and find your own way. They will benefit from it for decades when you do. My pop went to a mental hospital when I was 3 or 4 but came back out after a year instead of ending it. We are still close 40+ years later and you can have this too! So much to live for when you get through this. You can, you will, you are worth it.

[Tigey]

Hi

 

I am 40+ well educated live in India. He married me cause I had a degree equivalent to Harvard's in india. I did very well professionally but emotionally my parents though together just were too self absorbed in themselves or my mom choose God over us. My father was away in another country to earn money. Pretty much had to fend off "come sit on my lap I am like your father" uncles all my life. But I fought through all...I find it very difficult to write ….I am trying.

 

 

At 24 when I thought I met a guy on campus and thought will marry him, I was date raped and left on streets bleeding by him. I picked up my self ...finished my MBA and focussed on my career and did well. I later met a guy who had a steady GF - never encouraged him he claimed he was in love with both, used me and finally I slapped him and moved on. I did very well in my job devoted all my anger towards excelling in it.

 

I met my x husband when I moved jobs, quiet silent type that I began to like having known all brash, aggressive and all talk no virtue men. He seemed nice at first, dated for 3 years, was a prominent lawyers son. I did not research his background well...he seemed genuinely in love with me and till then I was 29 and I married with the thought that someone found me fit enough to love.

 

I am attractive or rather was ( well even in my depressed state, its good that I mention this right ? ) I just feel I did not handle things well with his political mother & Dad and in the end I w as too naïve believed in doing right...never took kids away...never claimed a cent from him...But he foistered a casse of Adultery after he threw me out and took my kids by force.

 

 

I am all alone my family is in the US and to be fair to them they speak to me...but after a while those words seem repetitive - "Get your head outta your Ass" "You were the strongest among us" "Look what your insecurities led you to" don't seem to help me. They are supportive ...but its not the support I look for. No one cares enough to stop and think - Not a friend - I have gone all out to help people stopped my life forced them out of their depression....But I am unable to do that with myself. All these friends are not in my country...for me Words have lost their meaning

 

I go to the bathroom in my office and waves of sadness just inundate me...memories of the good times ...My innocent kids...the way he spitefully deceitfully recorded me ….slept with me...and maliciously planned all this at a time when I quit my job to work on the marriage, took care of the kids …

 

 

My self esteem, resect my judgement ...all have gone wrong. People are people ...Lost my trust. He paid everyone ...Lost in lower court with an absurd order saying mother is a senior professional WILL NOT HAVE TIME, and just skipped all my evidence. Basically he paid the Judge.

 

 

Adultery is a serious offence in India - My cousin who was trying to help was arrested on this charge. The only help I had against this monster and his father.

 

How does one forget all this...I bottled up everything bad for years, now its all coming back to me ….incessantly like a a huge tsunami ...there seems to be no escape....I am drowning. No hope or help. The pain is incessant, I look normal to people but my mind is so far gone.

 

Its not what is happening to me - its who is making it happen - Someone I trusted - who rejected me...I find myself back to Age 24. How could I not seen this coming? How could I be so pathetic to be treated this way? Where is my strength that I was so proud of? Why am I standing so alone today on a forum writing to ppl who don't even know me?

 

I need to find something to hold on it. Hope that there s a better tomorrow and its worth the hell I am going through.

[Miss Clavel]

Hi

 

I am 40+ well educated live in India. He married me cause I had a degree equivalent to Harvard's in india. I did very well professionally but emotionally my parents though together just were too self absorbed in themselves or my mom choose God over us. My father was away in another country to earn money. Pretty much had to fend off "come sit on my lap I am like your father" uncles all my life. But I fought through all...I find it very difficult to write ….I am trying.

 

 

At 24 when I thought I met a guy on campus and thought will marry him, I was date raped and left on streets bleeding by him. I picked up my self ...finished my MBA and focussed on my career and did well. I later met a guy who had a steady GF - never encouraged him he claimed he was in love with both, used me and finally I slapped him and moved on. I did very well in my job devoted all my anger towards excelling in it.

 

I met my x husband when I moved jobs, quiet silent type that I began to like having known all brash, aggressive and all talk no virtue men. He seemed nice at first, dated for 3 years, was a prominent lawyers son. I did not research his background well...he seemed genuinely in love with me and till then I was 29 and I married with the thought that someone found me fit enough to love.

 

I am attractive or rather was ( well even in my depressed state, its good that I mention this right ? ) I just feel I did not handle things well with his political mother & Dad and in the end I w as too naïve believed in doing right...never took kids away...never claimed a cent from him...But he foistered a casse of Adultery after he threw me out and took my kids by force.

 

 

I am all alone my family is in the US and to be fair to them they speak to me...but after a while those words seem repetitive - "Get your head outta your Ass" "You were the strongest among us" "Look what your insecurities led you to" don't seem to help me. They are supportive ...but its not the support I look for. No one cares enough to stop and think - Not a friend - I have gone all out to help people stopped my life forced them out of their depression....But I am unable to do that with myself. All these friends are not in my country...for me Words have lost their meaning

 

I go to the bathroom in my office and waves of sadness just inundate me...memories of the good times ...My innocent kids...the way he spitefully deceitfully recorded me ….slept with me...and maliciously planned all this at a time when I quit my job to work on the marriage, took care of the kids …

 

 

My self esteem, resect my judgement ...all have gone wrong. People are people ...Lost my trust. He paid everyone ...Lost in lower court with an absurd order saying mother is a senior professional WILL NOT HAVE TIME, and just skipped all my evidence. Basically he paid the Judge.

 

 

Adultery is a serious offence in India - My cousin who was trying to help was arrested on this charge. The only help I had against this monster and his father.

 

How does one forget all this...I bottled up everything bad for years, now its all coming back to me ….incessantly like a a huge tsunami ...there seems to be no escape....I am drowning. No hope or help. The pain is incessant, I look normal to people but my mind is so far gone.

 

Its not what is happening to me - its who is making it happen - Someone I trusted - who rejected me...I find myself back to Age 24. How could I not seen this coming? How could I be so pathetic to be treated this way? Where is my strength that I was so proud of? Why am I standing so alone today on a forum writing to ppl who don't even know me?

 

I need to find something to hold on it. Hope that there s a better tomorrow and its worth the hell I am going through.

 

because, you're smart. deep down inside you, there is a small bit of self preservation. listen to it.

 

one foot in front of the other.

 

you need counseling. today.

 

this would be someone you pay to listen to you go on and on and on. that's what they are there for. to listen and keep your secrets.

 

remember, you will see your children again someday. they will seek you out as soon as they are old enough. hold on to that.

 

can you see their Instagram/face book? anything?

 

count yourself lucky that you are in america. at least we have a stall you can go cry privately in. at least you have a phone you can pick up and call the hot line. you have transportation and hopefully paid sick leave.

 

which is what i suggest. paid sick leave spent talking to a professional.

 

i would not go backwards with a lawyer i'd start b.sing all my relatives in india all about how i've changed and repented, shaved my head to atone, what ever they want to hear so at least i could send cards and gifts to my kids with the sure knowledge that they'd receive them. then i'd ask for pictures using a "guilt trip" approach. as in, "how can you deny me, i've done everything to show i've changed''. slop some sugar on everyone.

 

fake it till you make it. this ain't over.

 

all the best and welcome.

[GinON]

Tigey,

You have my sympathies, it looks like you are in India and cannot leave because your children are there and the misogyny that allows your Ex to block your efforts is oppressing your ability to fight for yourself.

 

I hope you can find the strength to grieve and find some new friends for support, little by little, letting the pain out so it doesnt consume you. I dont know if there are support groups or if you can afford therapy because I know so little about India but do try and find support from others that can listen to you and share the pain with you. Thank you for telling us your story. I hope sharing helps, at least you know there are people that will read this and feel the disgust and pain with you.

 

I can't understand why someone would be so cruel, its inconceivable.

[Miss Clavel]

have you talked to a counselor?

[Tigey]

Hi All,

 

Since my last post a month ago - I had a conversation wiht my spiteful boss and told her how she has damaged my confidence while I was trying to crawl oout of hell. It did not help my case but I sleep better. My struggles wiht my ex continues...today is Diwali - Festival of lights wherein my Ex informed me hes wiht his entire family happy that I am not a paart of it. Felt really lonely. Prayed ferverently for strength...Hindusim has 29000 plus version of gods none answered. After the judge who took up my case got changed waiting for my case to be listed in India.

 

No matter ow much I cry and look at the futility of faith, prayer and repentance & karma which my religion practices I cannot justify the agony of what I am going through. I guess sometimes life is as such. You loose it all to build again.

 

I am exploring flexi work options - to find some stability and have time to fight my case.

 

 

I guess we are never truly alone...if you are reading my post I guess I have you for company ...miles apart, not knowing you but company yes.

 

 

Learn to be aloe and not lonely....I am living each day by the hour, filtering negativity, fighting loss of confidence ..clawing myself back to living form hell...literally growing the claws...I cannot believe I bit my nails to cause septic infection- the stress levels are coming down ...the feeling that nothing lasts for long...this sadness will end.

 

 

Some one advised me to try Vipasana in India - work on inner self - I am going in December. WIll keep you posted if that made any imporvement.

 

 

FOr now I hit the bed knowing someones out there who cares enough to read .

[carhill]

Thanks for the update. Feel free to share any time.

 

You hit upon an important point I neglected in my first response which actually came from our MC as a tool to manage stress.....

 

Focus on today, now, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow. Identify one success for today, you decide, and that is your success for the day. Could be something simple like cleaning and tidying your bedroom or making a fantastic meal or helping out a friend. It could even be reading and responding to members on an anonymous web forum Doesn't have to be world-changing.

 

Build on each successful day.

 

Don't know if that speaks to you but it helped me through death and divorce a decade ago. The tool still works great.

 

You define yourself. Other people are interchangeable. Take your power back. Don't give it to them. They're not worth it. Best wishes!

[mrs rubble]

Loved reading your update tigey, it sounds like you are making good progress and finding your strength. This experience will make you even stronger, I’m so sorry you’re going through so much pain.

I pray that things get much better for you too. Go out and enjoy Diwali on your own, carry the love you have for your children in your heart.

God bless you tigey.

[preraph]

But having an affair isn't any grounds for divorce and doesn't give the other spouse any leverage in divorce. It's a nonissue legally. You need to get two jobs of any type to get on your feet and then an attorney and go back to court. If court has told you you need to do something (like get a stable home for the kids), two jobs should help that. It would please the Court. You will need your own attorney at some point.

 

Meanwhile document everything crappy he does with dates and some detail.

[Insoc]

I don't know the details, divorces are messy and no two seem to be the same. If there proof there was cheating, then it's a different story. I have proof in my situation, and my soon to be ex keeps pouring it on me, she thinks I don't want a divorce and it's not "amicable" well at first I didn't I tried to stop it, but after time I grew to realize, once a liar, always a liar, nothing towards you but in my case my soon to be ex is a liar, compulsive liar and is very insincere and fake.

 

I didn't throw my wife out on the streets, I could have but didn't she had no place to go anyways. She called the cops on me tonight saying i was harrassing her, when I was just dishing what she did to be back at her, she just didn't like the fact I caught her with her pants down on her cybersexting with someone she met online 11 days ago, that she was doing in my presence and lying and being nice to me, leading me to believe our marriage might be saved.

 

Cops said it's not "amicable" I said, that's not the case, my Wife is not acting mature around me and doing what she said she would do, was told to leave it go and live with it, once I'm out I won't have to worry, but she will continue to move forward with this guy half her age that she doesn't even know.

 

The cops came and went, heard both our stories, the one said to me "it sounds like she has the upper hand and is using it against you", well that's the case.

 

For you, it's hard to say, what would make someone assume something so serious? Why wreck life over something not true? In my case my life is a mess now, financials will be hard hit, I didn't want to accept it, but I had proof she was cheating on me. In my state though (CA) it's no-fault, so it's more of letting St Peter be the judge at the pearly gates, then again Catholics can do seven hail marys and be washed of the sin, so?

 

I don't know why someone would accuse someone without proof? My Wife thought she was sly though, tried to do the 2nd round of poor behavior behind my back, but I was too savvy for her, now we are not even talking and cannot talk, because either her and me will be getting a no-negative restraining order.