Mother threw out all of my personal belongings after moving home?

[Lovehel]

I moved home for financial reasons, I have been dealing with an illness, was in an abusive relationship and am building my life and finances from scratch. I recently got a minimum wage job as a carer and am studying full time also, have gone back to college as a mature student. I have no finances right now to even consider moving out, it will take 3 months at least to assess that.

 

Anyway I put all my belongings in my room, in bags and boxes and said to my mother to leave it and I will sort it out in my own time. When I was gone for a few days she went in, went through all my belongings that were in boxes and bags, took everything out, stifled through them putting them into drawers, the wardrobe etc...I felt my boundaries were violated, but she defended herself and shouted at me saying "I couldn't leave the room like that". I let it go, assuming nothing was thrown out, and didn't need an argument. I felt very uncomfortable that she saw my lingerie and personal items, but I couldn't have her unsee them.

 

A week later now that I have the time, I went to check all my belongings are here because I started to notice how so many of my items are missing. I could not locate different items, such as personal pleasure items, a vibrator I had for years, lingerie, vaporizers, to quit my smoking habit which she never knew about. I was mortified knowing she saw these things, but knowing they were missing and she must have thrown them out infuriated me, I could feel my blood boiling, out of the pure disrespect to not only touch my personal items but then throw them out. I found all the bags and boxes I had my belongings in, in the garage full of Christmas decorations, I was enraged. She threw my things out and filled the bags with decorations

 

I confronted her and she denied it for 30 minutes, was smirking and smiling at me. She asked what specifically I am looking for, smirking as if she knew it was too embarrassing for me to say the word vibrator. I rang my older sister who can't stand my mother and has nothing to do with her. Once she went through her personal items that she used to mock behind her back and threw them in the bin, she had no shame and said where are my sex toys, my mother started laughing, found it incredibly amusing and said in the bin. She got them from the bin, my mother mocks her to this day. My sister said go up to her face with no shame and say where are my vapes and vibrator. I did exactly that.

 

As soon as I did that she went absolutely ballistic. She completely lost it, screamed " how dare you, you selfish brat, clean the garage with the mess you made, selfish selfish girl, how dare you," I moved a box in the garage by the way. She turned it all on me, and was not happy I had the balls to say the word out loud with no shame. She wanted me to be shamed by it, and the fact I didn't I think made her angry? She was banging things, marching around and screaming to herself around the house for 10 minutes, I was pretty scared but stayed in my room. I went down again, because I was angry she had no remorse and said will I call your sister(my aunt) and ask if she stifles through her adult daughters belongings? She put on this fake concerned face and says," are you manic, do you me to drive you to hospital? " I am not manic and know what that is from my father suffering it, the fact she would try to discount my feelings by doing that is sick.

 

I will be getting a lock for my door as soon as possible, but how do I deal with the fact that all my privacy has been invaded by my mother? That she has no remorse and actually is trying to play the victim now, making out I am this unstable person who has hurt her? I was willing to let it go her lack of boundaries, when she moved all my stuff out of the boxes and bags for the sake of peace but the fact she actually threw things out and forced me to say the word vibrator and have to humiliate myself the way I did, is beyond belief. Is she a narcissist maybe? I have no idea what is wrong with her.

 

What can I do for the next few months until I can assess moving out? This is the only place I have to stay and it is infuriating? Feels more like a prison sentence than home. I can't move right now not only for financial reasons, but the job I got as a carer gives you clients where you live and I have been all set up and can't back out now. My sister lives an hour away and I have no car, so can't see how it would work. How can I deal with the lack of respect and boundaries?

[preraph]

What you have to do is stop letting it get to you. she's trying to make you feel like an ashamed little girl but you're a grown woman so act like it. My mother came to visit me when I was in my forties and she was livid the whole time she was there because I wouldn't give her the key to my filing cabinet and let her go through it. Some Mother's just have a crazy streak. She was obviously just yanking your chain and your sisters too and a very nasty way. if I were you I would work two jobs night and day so that you're really never there except to hit the pillow and get out of there ASAP.

[d0nnivain]

It's maddening when parents still treat us like children. Unfortunately now you know you can't trust your mom & you behave accordingly in the future. You are stuck in the short term but you never allow her to infantize you again. You stood up for yourself & you continue to enforce boundaries. that is all you can do, that & save, save, save, so you can move out ASAP

[basil67]

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you're both wrong. Respect and boundaries work both ways.

 

Yes, what your mother did was an absolute violation of your privacy. However, this is your mother's home and the room is not *your room*. It was completely disrespectful of you to dump your boxes in a room in her home and tell her you'll unpack them in your own time. I'd be furious if one of mine came back home and did this. You move in? Then unpack the boxes and make the room look neat and tidy ASAP. It's basic respect for the home you've moved into rent free.

 

Lastly, you do not have the right to put a lock on a door in her home without her permission. If you don't like her house rules, find somewhere else to live. If you can't live anywhere else, then you have to put up with her behaviour. That's really all there is to it.

[basil67]

After writing all that, I looked back for context to see if I'd missed anything. I found a post from August saying that you live with her and the environment is toxic.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/663360-should-i-listen-my-mother-ignore-her-need-make-big-decisions

 

How did you come to move back in with her just now with all those boxes if you were already living with her a couple of months ago?

[Gaeta]

I am with basil67 on this one. You're an adult this is not your house anymore and you need to respect your mother's roof as if it was a stranger's house. I would not tolerate a bunch of boxes and bags in a corner of my home especially if I know my daughter always delay what she's suppose to do.

 

 

 

You will be staying there sleeping under her roof, using her hot water, and eating her food, please have some respect. I would have shut up about the lost items and get a new vibrator.

[Mr. Lucky]

You will be staying there sleeping under her roof, using her hot water, and eating her food, please have some respect. I would have shut up about the lost items and get a new vibrator.

 

Agreed. And while I'd have a more mature approach to the issue than your mother has shown, the $50 it will cost you for a new vibrator and vaporizer is an awful lot cheaper than 3 months rent somewhere.

 

Lovehel, you knew exactly the situation you'd be returning to moving home. Seems a little disingenuous to complain about it now...

 

Mr. Lucky