She' Not Good For Me

[helloladies21]

After splitting with my ex wife at the end of 2016, I mourned for about 7 months. Then I got over her. This post isn't about her as I've moved on from her for good.

 

Even though I'm 40 and most would say I've been with a normal amount of girls, I never felt like I was experienced with them. It didn't come easy. Thanks to online dating, that all changed the second half of 2017. I estimate I went on about 30-35 first dates during that time, not including second, third dates, etc. It was a busy time. None of them were gf material to me and I was having fun. I was pretty carefree during this time.

 

Then right before Christmas, I met my recent ex. I never connected with a girl like this; not even my ex wife, who I loved very much. We had a short, but very intense 2 month relationship which, ended when she pulled away for no reason.

 

I spent the next few months grieving and stayed out of the dating pool. I started feeling better and went on a few dates when my ex came back into my life out of nowhere. We essentially went right back into it and got back together. A couple of weeks later, she pulled away again. After a little bit of discussion, It came out that she wasn't completely over her divorce, which ended 3 years prior. Maybe PTSD? I don't know as I'm not a professional at this. I also think she has intimacy and abandonment issues from her childhood. She had a rough upbringing. So after being essentially ignored for almost 2 weeks, I broke it off with her at the end of July. I don't regret this as I was going crazy and I felt like I exhausted all options and did the best I could to pull her away from her past.

 

There's now a disconnect between my head and my heart. In my mind, I know she's toxic for me and don't foresee any possibility that we could ever make things work long term. Maybe if she received some type of treatment/therapy? Too much to hope for. Emotionally I still feel like she's the one for me. It makes no sense.

 

She turns my whole world upside down. My heart is heavy. I lose sleep. I have to force myself to eat. I think about her constantly throughout the day and find it difficult to concentrate. People who know me would say I'm well adjusted, but I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I'm trying to do everything I can think of to get over her. I wrote a letter to her 3 weeks ago, essentially saying goodbye. I didn't expect a response and did not get one. I don't intend to contact her ever again. I'm working out, going out, etc. I immediately got back into the dating game and I find it difficult to find the type of girl that engages me like she did. A couple came close. I keep dating hoping to find someone to pull my attention away from her. Our chemistry will be difficult to replace.

 

I suppose the positive thing I have to look forward to are that I was already getting over her once and can certainly get back to that point again. I estimate it'll be in 2 months or less before I feel free and easy again. I wish there was some way to accelerate it, but the only possibility I see is to find someone else I really like. I actually did that once a long time ago after a breakup and it worked. Maybe lightning will strike twice.

[Gretchen12]

People with emotional difficulties are often the hardest to get over. I'm sure psychologists have studied and publshed papers on this. Somehow these damaged people have developed a special skill to get people attached to them. They probably acquired this skill out of necessity to survive a bad childhood.

 

I had the same experience as you, and as many others have too. You can read their stories if you visit one of those disorder websites. My ex was a borderline and things happened quickly, so-called "chemistry", but in hindsight I call it black magic. It was over just as quickly. The whole thing lasted only about 2 months, but he can always resurface and go for round 2 or round 3. How long you allow it to continue depends on how messed up you are.

 

It's challenging to recover, but as we get older, we should get better at being able to self sooth, to regulate our emotions. We should not need to depend on alcohol, drugs, or a new love interest, to feel better. Yes there is mourning for something lost. But the ability and the strength to pull yourself through on your own can be learned. It's a wisdom and grace that will serve you til the end of your days.