ai_hawk Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 So my wife and I are having big problems (married 2 years, celebrated our anniversary last week). Pretty much were heading for divorce. I posted on these forums about my situation and problem. I am reading and trying to understand the whole "Stop pursuing" approach - I am a person that likes to talk and fix it and when I don't get anything back, I still want to try and get some interaction. I hear that this is a turn off these days. I am trying to stop pursuing but it is hard. I feel like if I don't pursue then it is like I don't care. Wife does not seem to talk much or be in the mood since we are going through heavy things. She doesn't like to talk about deep or heavy things anymore, at least. We do have an MC appointment tomorrow (3rd session) and hope we will go to that one as last week she wanted me to cancel last weeks' session. I am trying to stop pursuing. But I feel empty and awkward and lonely. I want her touches and heart felt hugs and kisses but they are empty. What can I do? She does have mood swings I have noticed for sure. Last week was a better week especially on our anniversary but then 2 days later she was in a foul mood when she woke up, all because I decided to get a head start in the day to get groceries from the store! I did make her coffee earlier (like I pretty much do) in the morning before I decided to head out to the store. It seems I am the one doing all the work and get nothing back at all or she doesn't care and is just letting time pass and she is planning something else behind my back (I know she is talking to a couple of other guys... but not confronted yet, as the problem seems to be that I am apparently cheating or talking to other women when I totally am not). I don't know how to contain or control myself. Just seems damned if I do and damned if I don't. Our sex life was indeed great until the past month when things just turned for the worst and rapidly and dramatically because of her. We had a couple of intimate moments but a couple of days ago was just awful. Just awful. She just was not even there and stopped half way.... I also found out, not that I care much, that her FB status is divorced but some of the insurance documents is set to "separated" yet we are together. I don't get it. No paperwork of divorce has been filed at all, if anything she has told me and essentially controlled me to send a letter to my attorney to close my account/retainer with them as we are attending MC. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 then 2 days later she was in a foul mood when she woke up, all because I decided to get a head start in the day to get groceries from the store! I did make her coffee earlier (like I pretty much do) in the morning before I decided to head out to the store. she has told me and essentially controlled me to send a letter to my attorney to close my account/retainer with them as we are attending MC. Two small examples from what you've posted, but your wife clearly doesn't respect you and, with each manipulation you respond too, looks down on you even more. ai_hawk, time to follow her lead and do what works for you. If you feel you need an attorney, retain one. If you want to go the store at sunrise, go. She's going to be mad at you anyway, if not for these reasons then she'll find something else. Not a situation I'd put up with long term... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 Thank you Mr.Lucky. understood. But at least I am trying. That's the thing. I just want to build or get that connection or something positive from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 I just want to build or get that connection or something positive from her. Don't know her so can't advise you on how to do that. But I would guess you won't get there by giving in to unreasonable and shifting demands. That's what you've done so far, how's it worked out? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Our sex life was indeed great ... but a couple of days ago was just awful. Just awful. She just was not even there and stopped half way... ... her FB status is divorced but some of the insurance documents is set to "separated" yet we are together. I don't get it. It doesn't matter if or not the 'paperwork of divorce' has been set into motion. These would be clear signs that she is not "still together" with you, emotionally, which is where it counts for a marriage to be truly viable. ...and when I don't get anything back, I still want to try and get some interaction. ... I am trying to stop pursuing but it is hard. I feel like if I don't pursue then it is like I don't care. ... I am trying to stop pursuing. But I feel empty and awkward and lonely. I want her touches and heart felt hugs and kisses but they are empty. ... It seems I am the one doing all the work and get nothing back at all...Do you see the pattern of your perspective being only from your own perspective? That is, it comes across like this: "...because I feel, I want, I miss, I need, I want to get...from her". Even to the point of, "I was controlled" [by her, to send a letter to my attorney....] There is no acknowledgement, on your part, that you are a sane, intelligent, rational-thinking human-being adult. That is the real turn off, not only these days but all past days, too; a turn off for all other sane, intelligent, rational-thinking human-being adults of all genders. I don't know how to contain or control myself. Just seems damned if I do and damned if I don't. Another turn-off. An adult who does not have, or claims to not have, any self-discipline, self-control and self-management skills, and/or has not yet bothered to make the time and effort to acquire and master those skills. If your wife is done being the "bad guy" persecutor to your helpless victim, then there's not much that you can do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 um, I say "I" because in this context at this time, it IS about me. I do put her first, period. So basically it should be all one sided and her side only? I come here to LS to explain about me... how else can I say what *I* am struggling with? Just came back from MC and she is just in a foul mood even though I didn't say anything but she did not tell the entire truthful story but instead made me look bad (as always). Link to post Share on other sites
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