Sexless Marriage at 27

[BaileyB]

So I went home last night and I didn't stay out. I went to go talk to her too put everything on the table . I confronted her about the crush on the other guy that I found on her phone. she clarified didn't cheat on me it was only a conversation she had with a friend about how she thought he was attractive and didn't go any futher than that. We then talked and i asked a series of questions to her and she started crying. She said she doesn't want a divorce and she wants to fight for our marriage because she thinks it could work. I said ok I then told her that we will go do couples therapy and work on that and if it's a dead end we can make a decision. We both agreed to change our hobbies and change our spare time into spending more time together. She and I both agree if we do this it will rekindle everything. Let me make it clear that she has expressed that she is willing to fix herself and she doesn't want to leave. However there are things I do that I also need to fix. I do believe she has lost some interest in me but she has expressed she is willing to fix that. I think now we will work on couples therapy and trying to meet our needs to rebuild our intamacy

 

Good for you. I wish you well.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So I went home last night and I didn't stay out. I went to go talk to her too put everything on the table . I confronted her about the crush on the other guy that I found on her phone. she clarified didn't cheat on me it was only a conversation she had with a friend about how she thought he was attractive and didn't go any futher than that. We then talked and i asked a series of questions to her and she started crying. She said she doesn't want a divorce and she wants to fight for our marriage because she thinks it could work. I said ok I then told her that we will go do couples therapy and work on that and if it's a dead end we can make a decision. We both agreed to change our hobbies and change our spare time into spending more time together. She and I both agree if we do this it will rekindle everything. Let me make it clear that she has expressed that she is willing to fix herself and she doesn't want to leave. However there are things I do that I also need to fix. I do believe she has lost some interest in me but she has expressed she is willing to fix that. I think now we will work on couples therapy and trying to meet our needs to rebuild our intamacy

 

Really good news. Keep us posted. I hope you two can make it work.

[bathtub-row]

Suddenly, she talks. That’s good I suppose but you’ve tried that before with no success. I’d say the jury’s still out on this one. I hope it works out though.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, it seems to me that most of the ladies here are siding completely with the OP's wife while ignoring the OP's situation almost completely. While the OP may have been at fault at a point of time in the relationship, he did take steps to rectify those missteps and has, in general, been a caring husband to his wife. She on the other hand has ignored all his efforts and pleas and has just shut down on him. To foist the major share of the blame on him while completely exonerating the wife of any lapse on her part is, I think, an unfair assessment of the situation. It takes two to tango and if she is unwilling to do her part then there is very little that he can do on his own. As I pointed out, it may just be possible that the two of them are incompatible and being young, may do well to go their separate ways and find others with whom they find the kind of compatibility to see them through life together.

 

Some folks have suggested that the wife may have a problem with the constant shifting around that the military life involves. Frankly, I think the OP has been stationed in one place in Texas which is a place his wife does not like. As per his latest post, his wife is ex military so one would expect that she would be more attuned to the military life than say a lady coming from a purely civilian background. Also, the fact remains that she entered into a committed relationship with him with her eyes open. She knew what she was signing up for. One cannot start complaining after the fact. Being busy is a choice that she made. Whatever she is doing is for her own future. She cannot lay the blame for that or for the fact that she is tired etc on anyone but herself.

 

In any case the OP has clarified in one of his latest posts that he and his wife have had a heart to heart talk and she has confirmed that she does not want to leave the marriage and get a divorce. She is committed to working on the marriage and making a success of it. Let us hope for the OP's sake that things work out for him and his wife. If not then what I said about incompatibility still stands. Best wishes all around.

[Sidthesloth]

Today I brought her lunch and we talked a lot today and really connected more today!. we then ate dinner together like usual and we scheduled an appointment for the couples counseling. I think things are better but only time will tell. I believe if I leave all my side hobbies and drop them and just focus on her things can get better. NOTHING will be as good when we first started but getting sex back and getting love and affection back can help us on that path. we are also planning on going on mini vacations around the state to rekindle.

[BaileyB]

I believe if I leave all my side hobbies and drop them and just focus on her things can get better.

 

Well, it definitely sounds like you are on a good path...

 

But, I'm not sure that I agree with this. You both need time to do your own thing, and giving up ALL your side hobbies is sure to build resentment over time. The important thing, I would think, is to find a balance. Dedicate yourselves to spending more time together, but continue to be well rounded people with friends, and hobbies.

 

I would guess that part of the reason why she is feeling so depressed and isolated is because you have moved and she has lost her social connections. Also, she doesn't have time to form new social connections - to have her own friends and perhaps, do the things that she enjoys. That's still important for her, to be a happy, healthy, and well rounded person.

 

Just something to consider... But, well done! She is lucky to have such a kind and caring husband. I sincerely hope it works out for you.

[zouz71]

wish you Good luck !

 

IMO your wife is going into cyclic depression ; this is an illness .

 

one important point is that :

 

-Selfish people will always take more when they recieve more;getting rid of your own hobbies to be side by side with her will become granted ; then you will fight back to get out for an hour .

 

-I look at you and see part of muy story 25 years back ....

 

I will be harsh on you and say something for your own benefits :

 

 

-she has a certain mental illness causing her depression .so she needs IC.

 

-You need IC to coope with situations and get rid of all negative traits that increase her Passive aggressivness.

 

You have to teach her also that there is something called emotional bank account ...if you try to take out of it without putting anything , you will get nothing .

 

 

May I ask you one thing just to proove to you that she is selfish :

 

Suppose you have an injury and can barely perform in bed; and you wake up at night feeling your wife exited , what is the minimum you would do ?

 

-Minumum , minimum , minimum you would give her something she likes , or even Oral ...

 

this is an example , think about it .

 

I have been married to someone like your wife , since 1997...

[standtall]

Hi Folks, it seems to me that most of the ladies here are siding completely with the OP's wife while ignoring the OP's situation almost completely. While the OP may have been at fault at a point of time in the relationship, he did take steps to rectify those missteps and has, in general, been a caring husband to his wife. She on the other hand has ignored all his efforts and pleas and has just shut down on him. To foist the major share of the blame on him while completely exonerating the wife of any lapse on her part is, I think, an unfair assessment of the situation. It takes two to tango and if she is unwilling to do her part then there is very little that he can do on his own. As I pointed out, it may just be possible that the two of them are incompatible and being young, may do well to go their separate ways and find others with whom they find the kind of compatibility to see them through life together.

 

Some folks have suggested that the wife may have a problem with the constant shifting around that the military life involves. Frankly, I think the OP has been stationed in one place in Texas which is a place his wife does not like. As per his latest post, his wife is ex military so one would expect that she would be more attuned to the military life than say a lady coming from a purely civilian background. Also, the fact remains that she entered into a committed relationship with him with her eyes open. She knew what she was signing up for. One cannot start complaining after the fact. Being busy is a choice that she made. Whatever she is doing is for her own future. She cannot lay the blame for that or for the fact that she is tired etc on anyone but herself.

 

In any case the OP has clarified in one of his latest posts that he and his wife have had a heart to heart talk and she has confirmed that she does not want to leave the marriage and get a divorce. She is committed to working on the marriage and making a success of it. Let us hope for the OP's sake that things work out for him and his wife. If not then what I said about incompatibility still stands. Best wishes all around.

 

I couldn't agree with this more. He is doing the heavy lifting to help resolve things and she is resisting all efforts. He has even done a husband self check to make sure he is not ignoring her emotional needs, and still it is not enough. For a successful marriage, the spouses are obligated to set enough time and energy aside for each other. The spouses come first before school, hobbies, even children. The only exception would be a job....and hers is just under full time. If she has to cut back a class next semester to save her marriage...well that is a choice isn't it? Besides, 25 year olds with no kids should never not have enough energy to bang at least once a week. This is a mental issue, and by the way it sounds, it's on her.

[Simple Logic]

She hasn’t admitted it to herself yet, but she is not romantically in love with you. You are a buddy she sleeps in the same bed with.

 

All the council in the world won’t change this.

[bathtub-row]

She hasn’t admitted it to herself yet, but she is not romantically in love with you. You are a buddy she sleeps in the same bed with.

 

All the council in the world won’t change this.

 

I agree. I think she’s going through the motions so that she can tell him and herself that she gave it a try. People in their 20’s don’t just stop having sex. Typically, no circumstances in the world can make that happen.

[4fin]

"What you have done ( unintentionally...I can tell you love your wife to death and wouldn't hurt her on purpose) is made sex a chore for her...something else she has to do."

 

I really don't understand this sex is a chore concept. The day I view sex as a chore is the day something is wrong with me. In the op's case it isn't even something else she has to do. She just doesn't do it. How is he supposed to feel if sex fits somewhere between taking out the cat litter and doing dishes? He took a vow to only have sex with one person who has not only decided not to but acquired a crush on a coworker. I just don't get it.

[pepperbird]

"What you have done ( unintentionally...I can tell you love your wife to death and wouldn't hurt her on purpose) is made sex a chore for her...something else she has to do."

 

I really don't understand this sex is a chore concept. The day I view sex as a chore is the day something is wrong with me. In the op's case it isn't even something else she has to do. She just doesn't do it. How is he supposed to feel if sex fits somewhere between taking out the cat litter and doing dishes? He took a vow to only have sex with one person who has not only decided not to but acquired a crush on a coworker. I just don't get it.

 

 

I'll explain it this way.

After I had my second child, I was a mess. I'd been in labour for over 24 hours and ended up having an emergency cesarean. My spouse had to go back to work at a different posting almost right away, and I was at home alone with a newborn and one year old. Add to that that our new baby was ill, and need a lot of extra care.

 

 

I was getting by on maybe two hours of sleep out of every 24, and have never, ever been so tired in my life. It was an effort sometimes just to lift up my hands to brush my hair. It was absolutely awful.

 

About six weeks into it, we were together again. My spouse got a bit frisky, and I told him"no". Not because I didn't love him or because I wanted to hurt him, but because I was so exhausted that I couldn't get in the mood at all. At that point, sex would have been a chore, as there was no way I could have enjoyed it at all.

 

My spouse was really good about it, and since we were under the same roof again, he could help out more and I wasn't so tired. The suture line infection I'd picked up finally cleared, and I began to have more energy. Intimacy was back on the table, and because he had been so incredibly understanding when I was too exhausted to be in the mood, it was even better than before.

 

That's what I mean when I say sex can be a chore if the circumstances aren't right. I know some might say my example doesn't apply because the situation was different, but people can feel that sort of exhaustion for all sorts of reasons. The seeds of kindness and understanding shown during those times can bear wonderful fruit later on.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Pepper, with all due respect to you and for your situation as described by you, I have to say that the OP has been married for four years and does not have children so there is no distraction from that quarter, yet over this period of time his sex life has been dwindling till at the present time it is almost non existent. While yours was a temporary vacation from intimacy, the OP's seems to be something more permanent. The fact is that he said that for a period of time he had got involved in on line computer games and videos and had probably neglected his wife. This may have led her to lose some attraction for him. However his eyes were opened in time and he made every effort to start paying more attention to her and being there for her. However, this had no effect on her and she has continued to make excuses for her inability to be intimate with him. They are a young couple and if sex is such a huge problem for her now, imagine what it would be like if she had a couple of kids and her attention was focused on her children as happens in so many cases?

 

It does not seem to be anything more or less than she has lost romantic interest in her husband and he has been reduced to a housemate for her. If she has no romantic interest in him she should let him go and find some one who is really into him and cares for him in the way a wife should. Likewise she should go find someone similar who will love and care for her the way she wants him to. Why waste the best years of their life in a miserable union like this one? Something to think about.

[Jamess1]

You can not negotiate genuine desire with a woman, attraction is not a choice. A woman's behavior is all the communication that you need. She does want sex but not with you. She is very likely to be cheating,the moment she cried was probably from the guilt that she has already cheated, is cheating or is about to 'looking for a guy to meet the intimacy part of the relationship'

 

Stop wasting time on counseling, counseling doesn't get a woman wet, this are just buffers to problem. Never cry in her presence again-nothing dries a woman's vagina faster, no woman wants to feel like she is the strong one in the relationship,women want to feel secure, they want a man they can rely on, not a man who relies on them.

 

Listen dude, do you think I need a discussion or counseling to want to have sex with my gf ? What do you think she has to do to keep me hot for her ? She just needs to stay in shape,sexy, wear her sexy thong and my body instantly responds, it's not a negotiation.Her doing this,is game.

 

The same applies with women, you need to do certain things that arouse her, and gets her hot for you. You have to play the game. For example, a woman is more aroused by a man she feels the risk of losing to other women, a man she knows has other options besides her, a man she knows can cheat but isn't cheating. A woman is aroused by a man whose love she has to earn, a man who rewards her 'good behavior' and disapproves her 'bad behavior', [extreme example, why do women fall so much for bad boys, even after getting hit they refuse leave him, why ? When he is happy he is happy, when he feels she has made him unhappy, he expresses it, but doesn't need to be abusive]

 

Women want to have sex with man : if you are a man and doesn't want to **** you, then you turning into a woman in behavior (can say the same for women). I noticed how you constantly blame yourself, how you are 'Mr Nice guy', how you are treating her like a child and not a woman..

 

Start by acting like you no longer want sex from her, act like you are now a single guy and you no longer interested in having sex with her and you no-longer care about the sex , and when she tries to initiated turn her down - give her an excuse-I am tired, can we do this later..(..demonstrated high value and options)

 

My advice works,I am a womanizer, if I was working with your wife, she would be cheating on you with me...so take it..there is more, don't have time...check this book out..