LonelyHearted Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 My ex boyfriend ended things in April for the following reasons: crazy busy work schedule/traveling, family issues with mom, and the opening of his new business in June. We had been talking about the future before the breakup and even the possibility of having kids. A big part of the breakup was him thinking ahead and saying he would love kids, but that he would not be happy as a dad who isn’t home enough and that he can’t make the changes he needs to in order to make a family life work. After that, we ended all communication in June at my request as I wanted the space to move on. Six months later I have lost weight, made new friends, changed my job to a happier situation, and even joined new social activities. Despite all of this progress, I still feel like something is missing—him. Also three friends have had kids in the past six months and I have started to question my previous desire to even have a family as I have seen the reality of parenthood through their eyes. I see the loss of their freedom and ability to make independent decisions and that has really given me perspective on whether I just wanted kids previously because it is what was expected of me at 30 rather than a true maternal instinct/desire. That was the sticking point in the breakup and now it wouldn’t even be a big consideration for me. Any way, I’m the kind of person who would rather try at something than to live with regrets. However, I always see people here advise you to move on and let go. I’m afraid that without ever confronting him about a second shot that I will always wonder “what if” and never be able to completely let go. Thoughts? I’ll listen to the good, bad, and ugly—success stories and failures on reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Something is missing -- a partner. Not necessarily him. Every reason he gave you was an excuse. Valid or not, it all boils down to he was not willing to prioritize you or your relationship over any or all of those things. Thus you shouldn't reach out because it's only going to set you back when he rejects you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Any way, I’m the kind of person who would rather try at something than to live with regrets. ... I’m afraid that without ever confronting him about a second shot that I will always wonder “what if” and never be able to completely let go. Other people's stories aren't all that relevant to your own personality, and its strengths and weaknesses, or to your specific, individual situation. You may be telling yourself that it was only the timing that was off, for him. But, even if it was more than that for him, you still do have the right and authority to follow your instinct, to ask him to have a meaningful, in-depth conversation with you, about it. The only thing is: do you have the personality that will take it as a final-final answer if he tells you, again, that he does not want to be with you? Because you can't keep telling yourself that it's just the timing that was wrong for him. That is, if you get a second 'no' from him, will you then let it permanently go? If 'yes, for sure', then go for it. If anything else, then first fix that thing within yourself, and then go for it. (If that makes sense?) Wishing you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Trouble with the reasons given for the dumping is that they may or may not be true. Often the main reason is that the dumper just wants to go and date other people and that they are just done with the relationship, but they never usually tell you that... He didn't say "These are the problems, how can WE fix them?" No, he said, "Let's end things due to x, y and z" Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonelyHearted Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 Something is missing -- a partner. Not necessarily him. Valid or not, it all boils down to he was not willing to prioritize you or your relationship over any or all of those things. This is exactly what I needed to hear. He even said when breaking up with me that he looked at his priorities and his future and felt like he couldn't make the changes to be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonelyHearted Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 The only thing is: do you have the personality that will take it as a final-final answer if he tells you, again, that he does not want to be with you? Because you can't keep telling yourself that it's just the timing that was wrong for him. That is, if you get a second 'no' from him, will you then let it permanently go? As much as I would want to say that yes, I could handle a second 'no'--there really is no guarantee that it won't set me back five steps. It may be better to let it be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonelyHearted Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 (edited) Trouble with the reasons given for the dumping is that they may or may not be true. Often the main reason is that the dumper just wants to go and date other people and that they are just done with the relationship, but they never usually tell you that... He didn't say "These are the problems, how can WE fix them?" No, he said, "Let's end things due to x, y and z" I love your quote on how we can fix things. That is absolutely how he should have handled it. If the roles were reverse, then I would have moved heaven and earth before throwing in the towel. As for the dating other people portion, I know he's still single and probably will remain so forever unless he's willing to confront his big issue--he's a workaholic. Had he married me, his mistress would have been work. I was willing to put up with it because I have always worked hard and have a full social life of my own, but I would never rank over his job. (Note: I was his first girlfriend in over a decade and I was the first woman he ever got serious with as in introducing me to family, friends, and coworkers. I was the first woman he was willing to make an effort with.) As much as I love him, this thread has been the gallon of cold water to shock some sense back into me. Thank you all! Edited October 17, 2018 by LonelyHearted 1 Link to post Share on other sites
just1looking2 Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 My ex boyfriend ended things in April for the following reasons: crazy busy work schedule/traveling, family issues with mom, and the opening of his new business in June. We had been talking about the future before the breakup and even the possibility of having kids. A big part of the breakup was him thinking ahead and saying he would love kids, but that he would not be happy as a dad who isn’t home enough and that he can’t make the changes he needs to in order to make a family life work. After that, we ended all communication in June at my request as I wanted the space to move on. Six months later I have lost weight, made new friends, changed my job to a happier situation, and even joined new social activities. Despite all of this progress, I still feel like something is missing—him. Also three friends have had kids in the past six months and I have started to question my previous desire to even have a family as I have seen the reality of parenthood through their eyes. I see the loss of their freedom and ability to make independent decisions and that has really given me perspective on whether I just wanted kids previously because it is what was expected of me at 30 rather than a true maternal instinct/desire. That was the sticking point in the breakup and now it wouldn’t even be a big consideration for me. Any way, I’m the kind of person who would rather try at something than to live with regrets. However, I always see people here advise you to move on and let go. I’m afraid that without ever confronting him about a second shot that I will always wonder “what if” and never be able to completely let go. Thoughts? I’ll listen to the good, bad, and ugly—success stories and failures on reconciliation. I think if you feel strongly about it then you should act on it. At least you will know you tried. And maybe it will work out. Good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
sutsie Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Trouble with the reasons given for the dumping is that they may or may not be true. Often the main reason is that the dumper just wants to go and date other people and that they are just done with the relationship, but they never usually tell you that... He didn't say "These are the problems, how can WE fix them?" No, he said, "Let's end things due to x, y and z" Very well said. People that don't talk about the issues when there are issues and decide they'd rather break up are true cowards and disgusting people in my opinion. Its a common rule in relationships you give your partner the opportunity to know when somethings wrong in order to work things out. Not take your issues in a relationship to everyone else around you. Link to post Share on other sites
livelaughdance95 Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 I think there is some value in both sides to this...I would really think through what you plan to do and how you would deal with the potential outcome of reaching out to your ex and what his response might be. If you feel that it is more important to reach out to him and at least give it one more try (so you don't have any regrets), then that may be the best route to go. But if you feel too vulnerable and as if it might set you back to reach out, I would hold off--at least for now. There is no harm in waiting until you feel stronger emotionally--or see the situation more clearly and can deal with whatever his response might be. Link to post Share on other sites
namelessguy Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 I think he has made it clear what his commitments are. Its been several months since April - are you in NC or is there communication on any level? If you still talk then it would be rather easy to suggest something. I assume you are not in contact. Being as so much has changed for you, I think you should reach out but be prepared for the rejection. That way, you will know you tried, you have gone away, improved yourself and you wont ever have to wonder what if. Thats what made me keep reaching out to my ex at least for the first 3 months. I was rejected 3 times before I stopped reaching out. I don't have to wonder what if in that sense, as I know it would have eaten me alive. However, it doesn't mean i can now magically move on.. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts