People who have been cheated on do not cheat on others?

[beowulf44]

This is something I've heard often, but I'm not sure how true it is.

 

I've often heard that once you've been cheated on, you'll NEVER do it to someone else, because you know how much it hurts and you don't want to inflict this pain on others.

 

In your guys' experience, is it true? Obviously there is no such thing as an "always true" statement, but I am just wondering if for those who has had it happen (whether yourself or your partner), if this statement applies.

[elaine567]

I would say it isn't true.

Many people who have been cheated on become cheaters themselves.

[salparadise]

I've often heard that once you've been cheated on, you'll NEVER do it to someone else, because you know how much it hurts and you don't want to inflict this pain on others.

 

This contains the assumption that after experiencing pain, everyone will become primarily concerned with sparing others pain, which preculdes acting in their own selfish interest. Obviously not true. It's well established that the abused become abusers.

 

I have no idea where you've heard this so often. It's not something I recognize as a frequently repeated myth. Some people make sh*t up and repeat it often, and some people are prone to start believing it based on nothing more than repetition and the false authority with which it's said. And worse yet, some people are prone to choose them as their leaders! Good bullsh*t meters seem to be in perpetually short supply.

Edited October 17, 2018 by salparadise

[smackie9]

It depends on the person. Sometimes the emotional impact is so traumatizing that they will never cheat. Some seek out revenge and cheat like a serial killer going out to find their next victim. It effects everyone differently. Not everyone get so bent out of shape that it alters their perspective on the matter.

[carhill]

IME, revenge affairs aren't uncommon. Healthy is a completely separate discussion. Do they then go on to cheat on others (not the person who was unfaithful to them)? Haven't followed any sufficiently to know.

 

Add to that the complexity of what billions of humans define as cheating and...

[Exformer]

It could go to either extreme or not.

 

For me, I've been cheated on enough to never do it. I've ended relationships and dated someone else in the same week, but there's an order to it.

 

On the other hand, some people find vindication in cheating, whether that's with the partner who cheated or with someone new down the road, or both. There's probably something to it for someone who is insecure and fears being cheated on; they can protect their feelings a bit by cheating first in the new relationship.

 

There's also a learned behavior aspect to relationships. For example, I'm never surprised to find out that someone is a bad communicator if they were previously in an abusive or manipulative relationship, where their partner encouraged poor communication as a tactic. I wouldn't be surprised for someone who stayed with a cheating partner to also cheat every now and again, and then become accustom to cheating in future relationships...perhaps not out of spite or anything so thought out, but just as a continuing validation.

 

In short, cheating sucks, and it hurts when it happens to you. People handle that hurt in different ways. So, I wouldn't assume anything.

[FMW]

That's kind of a multi-layered issue.

 

My ex-husband was unfaithful to me. I don't think that experience alone resulted in any change in how I would act in the future - that was about him and our marriage.

 

I don't think I would be unfaithful to someone because I think if I wanted to it would mean I was done with that relationship. I don't understand wanting to hold on to one person while having another on the side. But then life has shown me sometimes you don't know what you'll do until you are actually in the situation.

 

Case in point, following the breakup of my marriage I was the OW involved with a married man. It began when they were separated, but nonetheless he was married. As far as I can see, my experience as a BW didn't come into play in any way with that happening (and I've analyzed the situation in a million different ways).

 

In my view, there are no absolutes about hypothetical life circumstances.

[Love2015]

I have been cheated on and he went to live and then marry the OW. This happened same year I married him! and I changed for the worse.

 

I would have NEVER cheated before nor be the OW. I would be disgusted at such prospect thinking it's for cowards who can not end it first.

 

But...at present...I have been once the OW. I stopped it completely after first time. I would have NEVER crossed that line before. I wouldn't call it revenge. It's trying to seek validation that I am still good enough and if the OW in my marriage triangle "won" why can't I?

 

I also have been with multiple partners. One will ignore me for a day, I would seek someone new. It is all in dating but I would not allow myself to miss anyone or trust anyone. I am not the cheater cause we not on a committed relationship and half of the times they don't want to but I lowered my standards. It's not revenge... it's low self esteem, not feeling I deserve love and fear the new person is a jerk like husband. The trauma of what happened was huge cause it was paired up with character defamation and silent treatment. Being cheated on is the worst thing cause it puts in questions values and understanding of your reality

I truly don't call it revenge.its feeling not deserving of love.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, it's not necessarily true at all. I can think of a few examples of people I know who exemplify that.

 

Off the top of my head: my dear friend's husband was cheated on by his first wife. She had an affair and it ended their marriage. This poor guy was devastated, as they also had children together and it ripped the family apart. He was in therapy for a while to cope, from what I understand.

 

Fast forward a couple years, after the divorce, he meets my friend. A few years into the relationship, it was discovered that he was cheating - with another mutual friend of ours. To say it was shocking, especially since he knew better than anyone how much infidelity hurts, would be an understatement.

 

We would like to believe that those who've suffered through cheating would never inflict the same pain on another, but that's simply not always true.

[Juha]

Never say never. You can not know what a person will do.

[misspalmy]

I know lots people that got cheated on. then became a cheater cos they couldnt trust anyone.

[carhill]

Depends on the person. I've seen a lot of revenge affairs in my time.

 

Plus there's the mind-reading thing. How do we know for sure that someone who says they've never cheated has never cheated? Even before they were cheated on... Interesting....

 

Oops, older thread, already replied

[preraph]

It's absolutely not true and here's three reasons why:

 

One is because a lot of guys think their partner is cheating on them because they're so insecure but also because if they themselves had an opportunity to cheat and get away with it, they would. So a lot of people who complain they were cheated on, especially guys, just eroded their relationship by making accusations simply because THEY would have done it in the same position. So you can't even believe they were cheated on.

 

Second, cheating or not has to do with ethics. Ethics don't change much. You either have them or you don't. So whether someone is cheated on doesn't change their ethics.

 

Third, a lot of people who are either being cheated on or imagining it become bitter and retaliatory -- so they're even more likely to want to hurt the next partner they have out of resentment. We see a lot of that on here. They feel justified.

[RecentChange]

False

 

I was cheated on, and later cheated.

 

I have examined my reasons, and I honestly do not think revenge was one of them. I didn’t do it to purposely hurt him.

 

But being cheated on made it much easier to cheat. I remembered thinking that I had forgiven him, and that I could expect him to forgive me.

 

And in the end, we both confessed to the extent of our misdoings, and have been reconciled for years now.

Edited November 7, 2018 by RecentChange

[Logo]

This contains the assumption that after experiencing pain, everyone will become primarily concerned with sparing others pain, which preculdes acting in their own selfish interest. Obviously not true. It's well established that the abused become abusers.

 

 

I agree with the bolded part. But the non-bolded part can go both ways. Some victims of infidelity can become cheaters. But some victims of infidelity never were and never will be cheaters.

 

 

 

It's all about faithfulness and integrity.

[MountainGirl111]

There are various factors that contribute to cheating. What's going on in a person's life, for example. Also, how secure is the person? How fulfilled is the person?

 

There are countless article and books written on what a person can do to "affair-proof" their marriage, for example. A person can do everything by the book and come up with a cheating partner or end up cheating themselves.

 

I've seen some marriages that stayed intact no matter how much temptation and trials were thrown their way. I've seen other marriages have infidelity that seemed to me to be in the made for each other category. So what gives, here?

 

I think a person is more tempted to cheat if they are under a lot of stress and if they feel they need to look outside their marriage to feel love and belonging.

 

Are there lonely marriages? Absolutely. Are they men who frankly have a healthy amount of fear of cheating? Absolutely. They know that if they cheated, their wives would indeed find out and frankly they fear that. I'm not saying that's good or bad, but that can sometimes be the case.

 

There are as many variants here as there are couples. It just depends on the couple and what's going on with them.

[WomenWubber]

If you just read some of the stories on here... some folks really take it a whole marathon further with the revenge affair thing.

 

I'm of the opinion that everyone is capable of cheating, among many other horrible acts. Just push the right buttons and all bets are off.

[Woggle]

Character determines whether or not a person cheats. Some people after being victimized feel that it gives license to turn around and victimize others.