Woggle Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 A friend of mine just told his wife he wants a divorce and I fully support it. Since the election she has been becoming more and more of a radical feminist to the point of misandry. She seems to spend every minute she is not work tweeting about how men are trash. He pretty much has to walk on eggshells or he will offend her and get accused of mansplaining and she takes all her rage out on him. My wife ended up taking his side and she called her handmaiden. It all came to a head during the Kavanaugh thing where she made him leave the house and move into a hotel because she can't stand dealing with any male for the time being and if he is truly an ally he will do this for her. He did it and we have been in touch with me advising him to get a good lawyer and serve her with papers. It is not his obligation to be a punching for things he never did. He went to the march with her and wore a pink hat and he still ends up the enemy? She told him he can come home and he said he has no plans to come home and wants to split because for the first time in a couple years he had some peace away from her and she is genuinely hurt about it. She called my wife and I and screamed at us for putting ideas in his head and said that as a privileged man he has to do some of the emotional labor as well instead of running like a coward. My wife was a little for diplomatic and told her he is not the enemy while I told her that I am honored to have inspired him to break free and you probably turned him into a Trump voter. How do we be there for him during this? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Start by blocking her. The less attention radicals of any kind receive, the better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 I agree but she is also a friend of my wife's who goes way back and she wasn't always this extreme. My wife is this close to cutting her off for good though. Like she said I cut off my extreme MGTOW friend so it's only fair for he to do the same. We will continue to be there for him though. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 I agree but she is also a friend of my wife's who goes way back and she wasn't always this extreme. My wife is this close to cutting her off for good though. Like she said I cut off my extreme MGTOW friend so it's only fair for he to do the same. We will continue to be there for him though. I don't think it's necessarily about fairness. Rather, it's about your wife recognising when someone has become toxic and walking away from them. Perhaps she will take a little while to get there...but in the meantime, you can at least draw a line and the sand and say that you don't want to hear this woman's name mentioned in your home. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 I don't think it's necessarily about fairness. Rather, it's about your wife recognising when someone has become toxic and walking away from them. As difficult as it is to walk away from a longstanding friendship, this is so true. This woman is very unreasonable. Perhaps, losing her marriage and her friendship with your wife will cause some self-reflection and prompt a change in behavior? Or, maybe not... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 I think both of you should get a divorce Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 How do we be there for him during this? honestly? If it were me, I'd stay as far away from that drama and let them sort it out. In other words, stop interfering. If they do in fact separate permanently, then you can choose who in the pair you want to remain friends with. However, if they DO reconcile, you will still be able to maintain a semblance of friendship with the couple, if you and your partner want to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 I think both of you should get a divorce Why would say that? I am as happy as can be with my wife. Why would I ruin that? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Why would say that? I am as happy as can be with my wife. Why would I ruin that? that's right I forgot you had a good marriage. sorry Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Is this friend from the old hangout in Jersey? Still live there? Different culture back there, compared to Santa Monica. Like night and day. If he's local, invite him over for a BBQ and talk over beers. Else, check in from time to time and let him know he has your ear. If his wife is in nutso mode leave her be. Not your problem. Sounds like your spouse has a good handle on things. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 You shouldn’t have interfered with their marriage. For starters, you don’t even know their true story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 You shouldn’t have interfered with their marriage. For starters, you don’t even know their true story. I know what my friend has told me and I know he doesn't need a marriage that makes him feel this bad. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 I know what my friend has told me and I know he doesn't need a marriage that makes him feel this bad. You certainly have great intentions and I agree with your viewpoints. It's impossible to have a rational discussion with an extremist let alone a happy marriage. My only caveat is it is best not to interfere with the marriages of others no matter how correct you are about their relationship dynamics. It's a recipe for disaster. As a general rule, I never tell my friends to leave their marriages because that decision is very personal and I will not be affected by the pain of their divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arris Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 I agree with some of the others here, you sound very emotionally wrapped up in this. Your friend can stick up for himself, it should be his decision, he has to live with it. Politics can cause a lot of grief, toss that out of their marriage and what do you have? I would give her time to reflect. Maybe she didn't realize how caught up in all that crap she became. Has he even tried telling her that he doesn't support her going to extremes and she's hurting their marriage? If she wasn't like that before, I'd give her a chance to find herself again. Of course your friend found peace after he left, he's not in the middle of the drama anymore, but it doesn't mean it's the solution. He definitely needs to stand up for himself, but they should have a chance to work it out now that she knows she's causing damage. Have her go NC on the news. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted October 18, 2018 Author Share Posted October 18, 2018 I am not interfering in anything. He has been calling me up and venting to me for the past year while she keeps getting worse and worse. He has tried to bend over backwards for her and it is a futile effort. Her type is never pleased no matter what. Him being kicked out over something he had nothing whatsoever to do with was the final straw and I advised to get out of the marriage and I would do it again. He isn't obligated to work it out with an abusive misandrist. I seem invested because he is a close friend and I have been hearing about it every other day for a year. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 Jeez, he needs to grow a spine and stop letting her and you/your wife control his thoughts. If he doesn't want to be in some political/social battle then he needs to learn how to say no to both sides. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 (edited) Gosh, All I can say is I never get so involved in other people's business. I guess I am a bit extreme in my lone wolf habits (I don't call friends to vent, nor involve them in my relationships etc) - but geez, I would have stepped far away from this a long time ago. We choose who we invite to share our lives with, and how political and polarized etc we choose to be and associate with. Even if they had known each other for a long time - your wife should have distanced her self as soon as the friend starting coming off the rails (and boy is that off the rails! I thought I knew liberals in SF - this is something else). Anyway, too late for any of that - but I would distance your self now. SET BOUNDARIES. Tell your friend sorry, but you do not want to discuss any of. Don't engage, argue, any of it. You and your wife can choose to no longer involve yourself with these people. Unless you really want this mess to be part of your life? Like you enjoy having this kind of stress? Edited October 19, 2018 by RecentChange Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 We don't enjoy having this kind of stress but we are loyal friends. We are looking out for a friend who watched the woman he loved turn into something he doesn't even recognize. These people used to be like family to us and if we abandon him he has nobody. We are cutting off contact with her and so has he. He will lawyer up and figure out the best way to get out of this marriage as quick as possible. They have no kids and they rent an apartment so it won't be that hard. We don't control his thoughts. He feels this will only get worse and it is best to get out. I told him he should have left a year ago but I didn't put that thought in his head. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 We don't enjoy having this kind of stress but we are loyal friends. We are looking out for a friend who watched the woman he loved turn into something he doesn't even recognize. These people used to be like family to us and if we abandon him he has nobody. We are cutting off contact with her and so has he. He will lawyer up and figure out the best way to get out of this marriage as quick as possible. They have no kids and they rent an apartment so it won't be that hard. We don't control his thoughts. He feels this will only get worse and it is best to get out. I told him he should have left a year ago but I didn't put that thought in his head. no kids + apartment = easy divorce Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Woggle, judging by your post history it’s obvious that this situation isn’t just about being a good friend. You have been traumatized by your mother who was a radical feminist and that’s why your friend’s issues hit home for you. Whether you are right or not, it isn’t your place to swoop in and save others from radical feminists. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 Woggle, judging by your post history it’s obvious that this situation isn’t just about being a good friend. You have been traumatized by your mother who was a radical feminist and that’s why your friend’s issues hit home for you. Whether you are right or not, it isn’t your place to swoop in and save others from radical feminists. There probably is some element of truth to that but I am also a very loyal friend and both of us are the kind to be there for somebody in need. Link to post Share on other sites
2much4 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 My dad once gave me a piece of really great advice. Whenever someone breaks up, conduct yourself as if they were getting back together. Don't badmouth the other person. Even if they do. Have you ever thought about what will happen to your friendship if he reconciles with his wife? Not only do you risk being cut off, you'll feel resentful because you spent so much energy guiding him through it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 My dad once gave me a piece of really great advice. Whenever someone breaks up, conduct yourself as if they were getting back together. Don't badmouth the other person. Even if they do. Have you ever thought about what will happen to your friendship if he reconciles with his wife? Not only do you risk being cut off, you'll feel resentful because you spent so much energy guiding him through it. If he goes back with her then so be it. I have always been the type to be brutally honest and tell people the truth. It's why many of my friends go to me for advice. I am not guiding him through anything. If he just let me control him he would have left her a year ago. He asks my opinion and I give it to him. If you don't want the brutal truth I am the wrong guy to go. I have helped women out as well. I took my sister in law's side over her husband and she told I am better than a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Arris Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) Have you ever walked past couples and wondered how on earth they could be together? Ever seen two people that have been together happily for many years yet couldn't understand because they seem polar opposites? I don't mean to be disrespectful, but being brutally honest does not make your perspective the right one. At least in this case, maybe you are too involved from your own side of things. I think many of us are pointing out your interference because of the negative tone and language you use. You don't come off as subjective, but very demeaning. You say you wanted him to dump her a year ago and he stayed. Yet, during that time you sat in his ear telling him to leave? That has to cause damage and stress on his marriage. I don't know, I'm just wondering. How much of that carried over beyond him into their actual marriage? It seemed like he wanted to make things better from the start. Does his wife seem out of line? Very much so. Is divorce the only answer? No chance for his wife to reconcile without being labeled so harshly? People do change, sometimes they get in a rut. I don't fault you for trying to help, but you can only do so much and it seems you cross the line from supporting his decision, to convincing him. There was a reason they married and I think they need to be brutally honest to each other to see where they stand and if anything can be worked on. Edited October 20, 2018 by Arris 3 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 "he has to do some of the emotional labor as well instead of running like a coward" if that is what she said, his leaving is nobody's fault but her own, she is both controlling and taunting her husband, it is the opposite of sweet-talk, imo, justmore misandry Link to post Share on other sites
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