She said I Love You first... then moved out-of-state

[Mavrick009]

Soooo... haven't been here in quite a while (maybe I should've gotten back sooner when I was realllly in the sh*t... anyhow...)

 

Where to start?? So, the girl and I began to work together 3 years ago. She was with the company/store for at least 4 years before I got there. She was a bartender and I was a server. We didn't talk much the first year or so, namely because she had a long-term boyfriend, and I didn't want to get myself caught up in a situation where I was just going to get myself really hurt. (Little did I realize then... )

 

We gradually became friends after seeing all the other servers and bartenders come-and-go through turnover, i.e. that shared respect of "oh, I can trust you now because you've survived longer than almost all of the rest of them". Still, nothing really happened, again due to the boyfriend, but a lot of other servers/regulars/new ppl would ask about her status bc she was beautiful, charming and awesome. I would laugh and warn them, "yeah that one's not available... long-term bf and all" (while mentally reminding myself at the same time)

 

Year 2 rolls around, and we start spending more time together at work.

One of those first nights going out for after-shift drinks (with other co-workers), I decided to pay her tab secretly and walk her to her car after she was done. We hug goodbye, and she says in my ear, "I love you." I don't think much of it, and I also don't reciprocate. I say something to the effect of, "you get home safely, troublemaker... I'll see you tomorrow." I may have kissed her on the cheek, and probably brought her coffee and advil the next morning for one of the first times. *shrug

 

It gradually reaches the point of taking small moments to see how each other is doing during the shift, small touches while brushing past that only she and I notice, bringing her dunkin coffee every so often just because, or advil and some breakfast the morning after going out for said drinks the previous night, after a brutal day-long shift, and rarely forgetting to hug each other goodbye nearly every day, etc. (To my knowledge, I was the only one afforded that "hug privilege" to her) And yes, she would say "I love you:love:" virtually every time during the hug. I resisted for the longest time saying it back (because I didn't want to lead myself on a dangerous path...), but I couldn't stop the real feelings I was starting to develop for her. (and I don't fall in love easily, at all.)

 

By the time year 3 had rolled around, there wasn't many of us left from year 1, and after all the hugs, ILYs, drinks, glances, touches, long shifts, coffees, flowers, advils, food, etc... I guess I became her "work boyfriend". (Because, of course, she was still technically with her live-in boyfriend, whom she also purchased a puppy with...)

I knew this was bad for me because she "wasn't mine," and I couldn't keep falling for a girl that I couldn't truly have. But, damn it all, she kept being beautiful, charming and awesome, and it felt like a tractor beam pulling me in. I even tried to be cold and harsh some days to push her away for some self-imposed boundaries (even a whole 2-3wk period...) but I ended up giving in instead of her.

 

Last Oct she left for a new job, and that threw my work-life for a loop. We were both unhappy there, but I always thought I would quit before her, and that leaving her there would be one of my biggest regrets. Turns out, she turned the tables, and I was the one feeling left out and left behind. When I found out, I confronted her about it, and she said half-flippantly, "well, it's not like I'm moving." (riiiiight...) We had a few more nice moments, her work going away party included, hugs and ILYs, but as expected, from her first day gone... I was virtually devastated, feeling like "dead man walking" at work.

 

November brought even more changes... namely her breaking up with her boyfriend and moving in with a new roommate across town. This is where the trouble seems to start for me. I basically adored this girl, and now she was single.:love: She was the one I had wanted for roughly 3 years, but never thought she was actually going to be available. Now she was, and I had no idea how to handle it "correctly". It's like the stakes were too high for me.

 

We met up once, the Wed before Thanksgiving (group setting) at a local bar, but that didn't amount to much. Her birthday was in mid-Dec; she flew home to celebrate with family. I saw her once in Jan, a few days after New Years, when she stopped by the store... and that's when she finally told me she was moving home. I tried to take it as best as I could, but I honestly couldn't hold my disappointment. She had been drinking beer most of the afternoon at our bar, so she might have been a bit tipsy. I had to work the shift before I got a chance to talk to her afterwards. It took her a while to admit to me she was moving home, and it seemed like she was in a hurry to leave, blaming that she had been there for hours already, drinking beer. Things seemed to be moving too fast for me to process and say all the things I wanted to say "correctly". She moved for the door, and I caught up to her to walk her out to her new Jeep (another thing I didn't know...) and there is where I consider we had our "last goodbye".

 

Alcohol fueled or not, she hugged me three long times tightly, all the while repeating "I Love You:love:" to me. I replied "I Love You too:love:", while not really wanting to let her go. She got in the Jeep; I told her to text me when she got home safely (she forgot, she says)... and I let her go.

 

She had her moving away party in late Feb. I strongly considered not going, seeing as how we didn't really talk or text between then and that goodbye by her Jeep. I ended up going late, the extent of our interaction was a half-hug and a "I love youuuu... I have to go pee." :confused: Didn't even get to say goodbye (or talk to her much at all) at the party. She jumped into a cab with 3 others to some other drinking location. I didn't have it in me to follow and play "Chase the Girl".:(

 

I tried to text and call her that last week... nothing good came of that. I freaked out and texted, "Are you mad at me?" after not hearing back after a couple days. She replied, "mad why would I be mad I just have a lot of things going on". I replied with a long text, apologizing for freaking out, asking to meet up with her, for a real "final goodbye", tell her what she really meant to me while she was here, and give her a small going away gift.

 

Yeah, none of that happened. Never got a reply. Never got a call back. Even when I asked twice, "when's your last day?" (waited 24hrs between texts). Had to find out from a mutual friend. And on that day, I damn near had a full panic attack.:sick: Because it's not like I could just drive a couple hrs and visit her and ask why she left the way that she did. She was gone. Gone-ghosted-gone. And I was devastated all over again.:(:(

 

I haven't heard from her since. I know it's October now, right around the exact time she left the job we shared. I attempted one time to contact her, a picture message on Easter of a stuffed rabbit:bunny:, ballcap of her favorite baseball team, and a single rose:love:. "Happy Easter. I hope you're well." is all it read. Didn't even look if she replied. Because honestly, I kind of knew that she wouldn't. I still felt I had to try.

 

I've been on a few dates. I've looked at other girls. But I still think of her everyday. I didn't know if I still believed in "The One", but she damn sure was the closest, most recent example.

 

A couple days ago, I wanted to text her, but texted our mutual friend instead, heard from her that the reason she moved back was an ex, which she just revealed a few weeks ago or so. That info threw me for an unexpected loop. I mean, rationally, I knew she was going to date someone eventually, but it still surprisingly hurt to hear and feel. I feel like the initial hurt and panic from the beginning of March when she ghosted on me is back again.

 

So, there's the long-winded story of it so far... I tried to just suppress it, as I have for months, but found that it's eating me up inside. So, I came back here after years away... looking for solace and advice. I know of things, tricks, tools, that I would tell my younger friends to use, but I can't seem to follow them myself.

 

I just know that I miss the girl:(, and that I have to deal with this situation now, instead of having it haunt me for years.

[Mavrick009]

Thanks for the reply. Well, she was with the live-in boyfriend, so that accounts for her. As for me, I would go out with the work group after-shift half the week, meeting ppl, getting numbers sometimes, having a decent time, and generally living my single life. There were a few dates; there were a few hookups. Again, I didn't really (let myself) think that she would ever be available. We would see each other at work, interact, then she would go home to the boyfriend usually, and I would go out with the work group. Occasionally, she would come out too, particularly if it was a long shift beforehand. This would be our pattern, virtually every day, for 3 years. And even though I tried my best to avoid it, I gradually came to love, even adore, the girl.

 

As for the I Love You's, I get that you can say ILY to your friends without romantic intentions. I particularly don't do it because of this exact confusion it creates between parties, when done over extended periods of time. Did she do that with others? Not that I really noticed, and definitely not with other co-workers. In fact, she was kind of sarcastic towards them. And I was the only one (to my knowledge) that she would hug. In fact, a bunch of the time, she would make a point to hug me, just to elicit the groans and boos of some of the other male staff.

 

It was something different about how she said I Love You though. It wasn't thrown out like, "Thanks for getting me ice! I Love You!" (ok, maybe way back in the beginning...) It was always during the hug, in my ear, in a hushed tone. Even that first time by her car.

 

(Dammit... now I really want to call her. Ask how she's been. Hear her voice and her laugh, no fighting. But I know that's probably not going to go well or would do any good)

Edited October 18, 2018 by Mavrick009

[Mavrick009]

So, I watched the game last night... her favorite baseball team played. (the ballcap, from the Easter jpeg, if you read the story above...) So conflicted...:sick: I watched because I like baseball, especially playoff baseball, but everything about it reminded me of her. Her favorite team, the fact that we worked together at a sports grill, that we would root for the same team...

 

Missed her a lot last night, a lot more than usual. I should've turned off the game, but I'd still be thinking about her anyway... or really wondering what the score is. (like I said, I like playoff baseball) :confused: Heck, I like most sports... which seems to be my gift and curse in this situation. I mean I still secretly root for both her favorite teams to win, because I know that makes her happy.

 

Well, after the game just ended... I wanted to call her so bad, just to hear her voice again. I miss the sound of it. I miss her laugh, the certain way I could hear it anywhere in the building. I wish she didn't leave the way she did. I'm still upset, but I'd rather still be able to talk with her. We were friends first... and I miss my friend.

[Logo]

Mavrick009,

 

 

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with all that.

 

 

 

Right now, you need to make peace with the fact that she MOVED to another state and that she's with one of her exes.

 

 

 

She had a boyfriend where you and she worked and she still left him for an out-of-state ex.

 

 

 

It's time to move on. It does you no good to keep thinking of her and about her or chasing after her.

 

 

 

Let her go. The friendship was nice while it lasted. But it's time to move on.

[Mavrick009]

Logo,

 

I sincerely appreciate the reply and sympathy. I agree with everything you say... in my rational mind. It's my unconscious mind that won't completely respond. I've tried to keep myself busy to "distract" myself. Then, at random, she just pops up, and I mentally ask "please, please get out of my head". I've already written about the "Baseball dilemma" up above and in the NC thread, so I won't rehash that here. I've honestly tried to let her go. Those mutual friends of mine literally say the same thing you do. I even know they are right. But, my involuntary mind still longs for her... or the "close friendship" at least (or whatever it was...)

 

I think a lot of it has to do with all the crap going on in my life right now. And I miss her calming influence on me. I'm at one of the lowest points with everything, no hyperbole. There's the major health issue, which led to the job issue, which led to the major car issue that just happened this morning. This is like literally the last thing I need on my mind on top of it.

[Mavrick009]

Congrats to your team tonight. Would really like to hear from you sometime... I miss you.

[Mavrick009]

I woke up this morning, and missed you all over again. The hyperventilating, the ache in my chest, the uneasiness in my gut, the longing for your hug and the sound of your voice. I wanted to text you Good Morning, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. I wanted to tell you I miss you, but it wouldn't do any good. I wanted to ask how your life has been, if you are happy....... but it wouldn't. do. any. good.

 

Because you never answer, you haven't in a long while. It's been almost 8 months to the day (smdh...:mad:), and you still haunt my awaking hrs and sometimes when I'm just trying to fall asleep. Last night, I even had a nice drink with a girl, some flirting, and she gave me her number unprompted... and my heart just wasn't in it. I want you out of my head because you aren't worth the space anymore. I've tried to block you out with all types of things, but... I'm just tired... exhausted of the memories of us that I don't even know were true or real anymore. So many questions that I can't get answered and it hurts my brain as much as it hurts my heart.

 

I love you, and yet I hate you for what you did to me... because I don't even know what to believe anymore.

[Mavrick009]

Thank You for not being in my head yesterday as much. It was a needed relief. But screw you for coming back with a Vengeance today. During my long shower to de-stress... While getting ready to go out and distract myself again... There you were... mocking me, laughing. Which is doubly cruel bc I loved the sound of your laugh once. I hate that I still miss you and want to talk to you. Esepcially with everything going on.

 

I can't help thinking how you are. And I can't shake the feeling that, even if I come up in (throw away) conversation, you (probably) just say that I'm "just some guy I used to work with". That's why I didn't want you to keep saying ILY. That's why I didn't want to say it back for the longest time.

 

Damn you for being charming, awesome, and beautiful... day in and day out at work. Damn you for liking me enough to think I had an actual shot with you. Damn you for infecting my brain, my heart, and my emotions. Damn you for being Everything I know I really wanted in a girl, and then just disappearing without a trace.

 

[bleep] you. I love you. I hate you. (I really [both] you.)

[Samsara555]

I think that if she wanted something more than what you shared over the last 3 years, something would have happened by now. Instead, she had a bf the entire time you were focusing all of your energy and emotion into, and then when that finished got back with an ex.

 

I'm not sure why she said the 3 word phrase that seems to have so much weight to it, 'I love you' - but if she really did love you in the way that you're hoping she did or does, things would have probably evolved since then. There has been plenty of situations and chances where it could have done, but it didn't.

 

You need to try and accept reality buddy, and move on because this clinging to a notion of reality that isn't so, is only going to cause you suffering day after day. Realise she isn't yours and never was, let go, and move on with your life. You deserve to and more importantly need to

[Mavrick009]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer, SamSara. (Coincidentally, two of my favourite bartendresses right now, helping me thru...) I had to take time off from the board bc it was just too much trying to parse thru why things happened the way they did. I do appreciate the time you took to try and help me out with the reasoning, but even as much logical sense as it made then and now, it still just took time to really try and heal.

 

I always hated how some of these stories never came with endings or updates, so I always made it a point to myself to keep updating this until it comes to an actual resolution. I know these things can take time... sometimes a lot of time. But, for my sake, and hopefully to help out others who are also in the same desperate struggle, I still have to believe things will become better eventually. And for others to be able to see/read thru the journey to get there. I mean, things have to be, right?

 

Thankfully the baseball season is over, so I don't have to deal with seeing her favourite team splashed across screens everywhere. She isn't in my mind's eye, once distracting and unrelenting, but I do still think of her everyday. I can't root for her favourite football team anymore; it's too hard. I actually secretly root against them now. I've been on medical leave from the job we once shared (one of the many big bad things that happened this year...) but will be transferring to a new store within the company soon. Still somewhat familiar, yet a fresh start of sorts.

 

Her birthday is tomorrow... and I'm very conflicted about it. I didn't text her on Thanksgiving, but that was a struggle the whole day. I want to text her Happy Birthday, of course, but I'm fairly certain I won't hear a response. In asking myself why I would even bother, it's bc we were friends first. And I really do miss us being friends. Maybe that's naïve... but honestly, I don't care enough to protect myself from it. I'm tired of being cautious and anxious. One of the things I resolved to do after all that's happened this year, including the situation with her, is to do more of what I actually want. To say what I actually want/need to say. One of my biggest regrets about how things happened is that I never got to tell her how I felt and how much she meant to me. And, by that end, the 3 yrs of our "friendship" meant nothing, I guess.

 

There's a new girl... one that I thought could take her place. She's sweet, charming, and of course a bartendress All the regulars I've asked about her say she's a sweetheart and she does seem it. We've talked briefly, shared a hug or two, brought her a red bull and a flower a couple times... but I can already see some of the same "red flags" that I ignored the first time around bc of hopeful romanticism. It's probably not even smart of me to attempt to start something with this one (bc of the near certain likelihood of it becoming my "after-work-bar-n-grill")

[Marc878]

"I love you"were nothing to her. Meaningless words.

 

How do you know that? Her actions.

 

Quit projecting your feelings onto her. I love her so she must love me too thing.

 

You are living with a fantasy version of who you want her to be but that's not who she is.

 

You are keeping yourself in this. Why?

[Mavrick009]

You're right for the most part, Marc. Your last question of [Why am I keeping myself in this] is one that I've tried to answer for the longest time. In fact, I don't know how to explain it anymore. It's the involuntary nature of it. Part of my brain knows better, and tells me to stop, do something else... the other part keeps her memory alive with odd things like, the sound of her voice, phrases she would say, the dance she would do when she would eat sweets, her laugh which I can still hear at random in the strangest places. I know a lot of people are going to call bull[crap] on me for all that, but it's the god's honest truth. I keep telling myself "she's just a girl." But deep down, I honestly know I don't believe that (yet).

 

Like I've said before, there's been other girls, even when we were still on speaking terms and could see each other every day. But she was always in the back of my mind, even when she was "unavailable". I purposefully stopped projecting my feelings onto her early on bc I didn't want to get caught up in the [crap]storm that I could already inevitably see coming. I think that's part of what still upsets me... I knew this was going to happen even way before anything started. That's why I tried to stop being friendly to her some days out of the blue, just to put some distance between me and her.

 

I know the other part that really upsets me is the loss of the friendship, or if it meant anything at all after all that time. We have a bunch of mutual friends that I still talk to, and I think she responds to them, but I'm persona non grata for some reason. I even ran into someone just last night that I haven't seen in around a year, she brought her up in conversation, and I had to remind her about her birthday. Maybe she'll put in a good word for me. *shrug

 

I'm not trying to delude myself into some fantastical relationship with her. I just honestly miss her in my life and grieve the friendship because, with everything that's currently going on, I liked my life a lot better with her in it.