My life is a mess: Wife and relative Vegas Story

[Whatthehellhappened]

I signed up for this forum to get advise. I have no idea how to handle the situation in in. Thank you in advance.

 

Long Story, I'll try to make shorter.

 

My wife and I have been married for 17 years and we defiantly have had our issues. She has gone through a lot of health issues in this time along with other work related problems and I have always tried to do my best to support her. I failed a lot to be the best husband I could, and believe me I never hear the end of our, "bad times'". I get past arguments thrown in my face a lot.

That said, we still love each other and have three children from teenage to kindergarten age. A lot of our issues stemmed from family and money issues like a lot of relationships. We are both in our late 30s

 

So 18 months ago, My wife and her very unreliable, 'morally challenged' cousin planned a trip to Las Vegas. My wife had originally mentioned she would like to go to Vegas with me, but financially we really shouldn't have. That's what I told her. She insisted that with her previous headaches from the last few years that she deserved to go. Her cousin told her to go with her and so she did. I told her I really wasn't comfortable with that decision because of a few things. One, her cousins morals. She is quite a shady character. My wife is nothing like her. She has always been a good girl. Second, I really wanted to do something else with her, but Vegas she insisted. I told her married women alone and Vegas were not a good combo. She told me flat out that she didn't care and she was still going.

 

Well, she assured me that she was just going to 'expierence the show's and such.' She, like a lot of women, were in love with all the 50 shades of grey type books and she all of a sudden the last few years started acting more 'crazy' in the bedroom...which is fine of course. I immediately had the worst in mind when she said she wanted to go No matter what I said.

 

So they went on the trip, she checked in a few times, but some trouble still happened. Her cousin was actually banned from a hotel for smoking pot at a show and causing problems. My wife said she left her alone for 10 mins and this happened. My wife takes no part in this recreation. Also, I find out that they went on a party bus to take in all of the Las Vegas night clubs. My wife insisted that she just danced with her cousin. My fears grow more as I find these things out. Then my wife paints me a harmless story that she had no idea what went in at nightclubs and she really didn't want to go. I find out that they were on the bus with a group of men that were all,married guys according to her. I then find out that her cousin briefly had one of the guys in their room for an unknown reason while my wife was at the pool. Her cousin is also married BTW....

My wife is a very good looking 38 year old woman, and her cousin a heavier, party type. Very opposites.

 

So when my wife comes home and tells me this stuff I was very angry. She insisted that she would never cheat and made me feel like I was crazy for thinking that. She insisted that her cousin did not cheat either.

 

Meanwhile, 17 months go by and my wife and I have had a much better relationship as of late. I have always been the insecurish type, so after a little reading I brought up the trip because I read a couple stories that really hit home with me. She then out of the blue, says her cousin had a guys number in her phone from the trip saved as a woman's name.....and they text all the time.

 

Then **** hits the fan. I have been out of my mind angry since this happened and very accusatory. She denies doing absolutely anything inappropriate....but I say why did you lie about your cousin. She had to have known what was going on. She has since accused me of cheating, being a horrible person and the like. I know her cousin at least cheated, she obviously didn't stop it, and now I'm sick. I obviously look at my wife a little differently now. I don't know what to do. She denies and accuses me.

 

I've really been trying to make the best of our marriage the last year....now it seems wrecked.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then **** hits the fan. I have been out of my mind angry since this happened and very accusatory. She denies doing absolutely anything inappropriate....but I say why did you lie about your cousin. She had to have known what was going on. She has since accused me of cheating, being a horrible person and the like. I know her cousin at least cheated, she obviously didn't stop it, and now I'm sick. I obviously look at my wife a little differently now. I don't know what to do. She denies and accuses me.

 

I've really been trying to make the best of our marriage the last year....now it seems wrecked.

 

I'm trying to understand the actual reason for your obvious anger.

 

Everything the cousin did, you seem to have already known she was capable of - so no surprises there, right?

 

And while I agree your wife's judgement was poor (she seems to be somewhat naive about how things work in Vegas), you seem to have moved past those issues. It doesn't look like she crossed any boundaries in her own conduct.

 

So why this blow up?

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

OK, I can see that the cousin got a bit out of hand. But why exactly are you "out of your mind angry" at your wife? What are you accusing her of? If you're accusing her of cheating, do you honestly think she cheated....or are you saying these things out of anger to hurt her?

[Whatthehellhappened]

Thanks Mr. Lucky,

 

I guess my anger stems from the fact that she what dishonest

To me about the her cousins actual actions and that is wrong on its own, but also, if she is sorta covering for her then what did she do?

I didn't do a great job on explaining the whole situation I think, but I feel like I'm being lied to and played a little. Didn't ever expect that at all, came out of left field. Plus, after she didn't even want to discuss NOT going....just really made me worry.

[Whatthehellhappened]

OK, I can see that the cousin got a bit out of hand. But why exactly are you "out of your mind angry" at your wife? What are you accusing her of? If you're accusing her of cheating, do you honestly think she cheated....or are you saying these things out of anger to hurt her?

 

I'm not saying these things out of anger to hurt her. I feel hurt that I was lied to. Full diclousure wasn't present when she got back. She sort of covered for her cousin and a little more came out later after I asked.

 

I could never Tell her that I didn't care I'm going anyway, then know I'm uncomfortable about the whole thing, then cover for her relative like that. Seems untrustworthy to me.

Just feel a little played, plus if she is willing to lie for her cousin, what else is she not telling me?

It's just not like her. Maybe I did a bad job of explaining in my post how I felt originally, but I was uncomfortable and she didn't care. Then it seems like something happened that is being covered. I don't know:(

[RobynS]

Maybe your wife lied/ ommited the truth about her cousin cheating was because she knew you were already upset and thinking that something untoward might have happend while they were away. Telling you that her cousin had in fact cheated would of only raised your concerns about what your wife had done.

If she has given you no reason to mistrust her, why do you? Accusing someone of cheating is a serious accusation and cant be taken back once said.

 

It is very true that you are the company you keep and its definately not great that her cousin did cheat, hopefully your wife doesnt condone the behaviour but remember, her cousin is family and there is often a lot we will let slide for our family, whether we directly realise it or not.

[standtall]

OP, the s***** cousin and your wife our two different people. Your wife didn't do any of these things, and you have no proof she did. So, you're mad because your wife didn't rat out her cousin? Get off you high horse and get over it.

[Whatthehellhappened]

OP, the s***** cousin and your wife our two different people. Your wife didn't do any of these things, and you have no proof she did. So, you're mad because your wife didn't rat out her cousin? Get off you high horse and get over it.

 

I get that standtall, I'm not on any high horse.

It's just even small lies, especially when your spouse is in Vegas, can really mess with you. I would never lie about anything with her...period. I'm honestly very wary of what really happened now and I'm,not sure I trust her. She changed a lot the last few years, especially with interests to sex in our relationship.

She has said some surprising things that I never expected from her.

Then her not respecting my view of that I was not comfortable with her going to vegas with her cousin (who I dont trust) and saying it didn't matter. That's hurtful.

She went to nightclubs with this person and a group of men....who were not me. It was a party bus granted, but she had no issues going. I personally know she would flip,out if the roles were reversed.

The little lie about the phone number exchanging and obvious cheating really is what set me off because I should have know about it before and my wife should not want company like that...like was stated before.

 

Sorry if I sound like the odd one here.

[Mr. Lucky]

She changed a lot the last few years, especially with interests to sex in our relationship.

 

In your words, she become more "more 'crazy' in the bedroom", more enthusiastic and experimental. Stick around here for a while, you'll see how unusual it is that you would think that a negative.

 

She went to nightclubs with this person and a group of men....who were not me. It was a party bus granted, but she had no issues going.

 

She probably also rode the shuttle bus to the airport with a "group of men....who were not" you. What does that prove?

 

Whatthehellhappened, you're trying to pick a fight with your wife. Ask yourself why. This doesn't seem to be all about a trip to Vegas...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

WTTHH,

 

Well, with what you said above, it just seems that you're expecting a little too much from her about this Vegas trip. The whole culture of the resort towns and girls/boys only trips is "what goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas", and it sounds like it rubbed off on her.

Granted, that cousin sounds like a real work of art, and I wouldn't like if my wife hung out the likes of her (she actually did have a friend like her), so let that be known to her, and then decide if any further girl trips with her cousin is a deal breaker.

 

As far as the sex goes, that 50 shades of grey **** really did numbers on a lot of women, so I would chalk it to that and her getting around the hedonism a little more...ie Vegas.

 

 

Look man, people evolve and change throughout their marriage...a little good, less bad hopefully, and we gotta role with most of them. If you smother her, it's just going to create friction. If it were me, I would keep an eye on her, but IMHO, it wouldn't be enough to pump the brakes on her... yet.

[FMW]

My guess is the Vegas thing was just the thing that tipped things over the edge for you. You probably have been having doubts and suspicions for some time now.

 

So you have to figure out if you are just being paranoid or if there is really something off with your wife. People and marriages do change over the years, so as has been noted, maybe your wife is just interested in new things out of curiosity while you are happy with the way things have always been, so that naturally brings some discomfort.

 

Try to grow with her and not alienate her by making her feel you think she's doing something wrong.

 

Just keep communicating with her and pay attention. If there is something "off", it will become clear. I don't think this single situation is enough to get too bent out of shape about.

[BaileyB]

Whatthehellhappened, you're trying to pick a fight with your wife. Ask yourself why. This doesn't seem to be all about a trip to Vegas...

 

No, it's quite clear that he has decided he does not trust his wife. What has been presented here is a lot of circumstantial evidence in an attempt to validate this concern.

 

OP, either you trust her or you don't, that is your decision. But, if she wants to cheat with another man, no amount of hypervigilance, control, or angry outbursts will stop her. And to date, we see no concrete evidence that she is cheating and thus, your anger seems misplaced and unreasonable.

[Whatthehellhappened]

No, it's quite clear that he has decided he does not trust his wife. What has been presented here is a lot of circumstantial evidence in an attempt to validate this concern.

 

OP, either you trust her or you don't, that is your decision.

 

 

We do have these issues. You are correct.

 

 

We both feel the same way I'm sure...and I'm not sure why. I know my distrust comes from money issues in the past and her hiding a lot of things from me.

 

 

She has made a habit of recent though, to dissect my phone. I have nothing to hide and even let her. I have never cheated or even thought about it or wanted to. I love her to death.

 

 

I have grown with her, but the trust issues keep coming up. Would she cheat on me? At this point after knowing her of late and reading about many warning signs....I'm not sure.

 

 

That's what bugs me so bad.

If the roles were reversed she wouldn't have let me go. I'm sure of that. And if I said I didn't care....I'm still going.....she probably would have set me on fire...lol

 

 

All jokes aside, I appreciate the input here. Thank you

[Mr. Lucky]

If the roles were reversed she wouldn't have let me go. I'm sure of that. And if I said I didn't care....I'm still going.....she probably would have set me on fire...lol

 

I'm trying - and failing - to come up with a list of things my wife needs my permission to do.

 

I'd guess you're wife decided, given the suspicions you seem to feel, that staying home wouldn't have settled your fears and so she risked little by going.

 

At this point after knowing her of late and reading about many warning signs....I'm not sure.

 

Time for a change in reading subject matter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I know my distrust comes from money issues in the past and her hiding a lot of things from me.

 

Aha! Vegas isn't THE issue. Vegas is the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

 

I get why your wife didn't tell you the full story. 1). How her cousin behaves is actually none of your business. 2). she knew it was going to bother you & she preferred to avoid the hassle. The later isn't good practice inside a marriage. Sins of omission do hurt but if you hope to save your marriage work with your wife on your communication. You both need to do better.

[Poutrew]

WTHH< you sound like you are afraid of your wife. Let her know that you and a crazy buddy are going to take a week off and go to Rio for the Mardi Gras festival. Don't worry about what she thinks. It isn't any of her business what you and a friend do or where you go. If it is good enough for her, then it is good enough for you. Go. Have Fun. Let her take another trip to Vegas - she will if she wants to no matter what you may think about it anyway. Just remember, you are not her child. You are a grown man who has your own motivations... if you do not let her know this, she will walk all over you and you will literally become a guest in her house instead of a husband...

[Just a Guy]

Hi What, having read your posts I am coming around to the belief that you seem to be an extremely insecure person and this trait of yours seems to have been discerned by your wife with enough clarity that she appears to have lost a great deal of respect for you. This is apparently the reason that she thumbed her nose at you and despite your objections told you she didn't care and went ahead with her cousin to Vegas otherwise known as 'Sin' city I believe. She obviously seemed ready to sow some wild oats of her own and whether she did or not is a moot point. She certainly prepared well for doing so by choosing her wayward cousin as a companion. After all one needs a cheer leader to help one along the way.

 

The second thing I have observed is that you have a massive trust deficit in your wife. Maybe this is something that has built up over the years in bits and pieces like filling up a piggy bank and today it is something that you are finding difficult to contend with. This is something the two of you may have to resolve in counselling together if you are still invested enough in the marriage. I think your wife has also latched on to this and this has further alienated her.

 

Thirdly, her change in sexuality is definitely something you have to sit up and take notice of. The fact that she is accusing you of cheating and constantly checks your phone although as per your statement you are an open book leads one to the suspicion that in fact, she may be the one who has something to hide. Have you ever checked her phone? Does she make it available to you for freely checking it? In stead of fulminating on a forum like this have you done some sleuthing of your own? It may be worth it in the long run.

 

To sum it up, in my opinion, you need to work on yourself to overcome your insecurity as it is a completely unlovable characteristic especially for women. Also, you have to take a call on whether you want to continue with this marriage given the trust deficit that exists in your mind towards your wife. Think about it.

Edited October 19, 2018 by Just a Guy

[elaine567]

WTHH< you sound like you are afraid of your wife. Let her know that you and a crazy buddy are going to take a week off and go to Rio for the Mardi Gras festival. Don't worry about what she thinks. It isn't any of her business what you and a friend do or where you go. If it is good enough for her, then it is good enough for you. Go. Have Fun. Let her take another trip to Vegas - she will if she wants to no matter what you may think about it anyway. Just remember, you are not her child. You are a grown man who has your own motivations... if you do not let her know this, she will walk all over you and you will literally become a guest in her house instead of a husband...

 

 

All very well these tit for tat suggestions, but as there is already trouble in the marriage then making more "trouble" is not in anyone's best interests.

 

That is the road to divorce.

She already thinks he is cheating so that may be the last straw.

She is 39 not 89, so I guess she wants to spread her wings a little.

She originally wanted to go with the OP to Vegas and that would really have been the best solution here, that would have allayed his fears and brought them together.

 

He is scared he is losing her, hence the anger.

[Whatthehellhappened]

Thanks again guys, I think I have enough to work with here. Just was in search of opinions.

 

I'm not scared of my wife, and I'm not sure what a thrust deficit is..lol. But I really wouldn't want some sort of revenge as suggested. I just wouldn't want to hurt her like that when I know it would. Just want normality.

[Just a Guy]

Hi What, I think I suggested a trust deficit and not a thrust deficit. May be you did not like what I suggested and that is alright. After all it is your life. You have to do what you have to do. Best of luck going forward.

[Whatthehellhappened]

Hi What, I think I suggested a trust deficit and not a thrust deficit. May be you did not like what I suggested and that is alright. After all it is your life. You have to do what you have to do. Best of luck going forward.

 

Lol, no worries man and thank you. Damn auto correct.

[Whatthehellhappened]

I don't think in my original post I mentioned that when my wife left for her trip we were really at a low point for many months before.

She never apologized during or after her trip for not considering my feelings about her going.

She worked out a lot before the trip. Like she never had before in 18 plus years.

She also went tanning(which she never did previously)

She purchased a lot of clothing like bathing suits and sexy dresses unlike ones she had worn around me.

 

Was I really not supposed to think anything? Really?

In her words, "I'm just going because I want to go to the show's and go to the pool"

 

Just ranting still, but gut feelings don't go away. When I try to talk about it with her she gets downright defensive and pissed too.

[DKT3]

I think some are totally missing your point.

 

Most here will tell you to watch for changes in behavior, fashion grooming as signs of infidelity. Check. When your spouse starts accusing you of cheating, good chance its transference. Check. Being defensive and angry when asked about questionable events. Check.

 

Signs point to her being dishonest about the trip about her actions. Downplaying her cousins behavior is likely to keep you off her trail.

 

Sometimes suspections are off base, most of the time your gut feeling is correct.

 

You know your wife better than anyone here, so my guess is you're right to believe something is off about her trip.

 

Problem is you went off without any information, so she will be careful not to leave any clues.

 

Solution, shut up about it. Just watch her moving forward.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think in my original post I mentioned that when my wife left for her trip we were really at a low point for many months before.

 

Why not make the lull in the marriage your emotional focus rather than the trip? Given your reaction, one would guess there's lots to work on there.

 

When it comes down to it, you're angry that your wife didn't obey you. While that might be the right emotion, it's directed at the wrong thing.

 

What were the reasons for the "low point"?

 

Mr. Lucky

[doyathinkso]

Her pre-trip prep and her post-trip bitchiness make this all seem a whole lot more shady.

 

Check into her phone history. Assess her pre and post trip call and texting history. Any changes? Any new repeated numbers? Do you have access to her e-mail?

 

Keep your wits about you. Remember the old Russian proverb, "Trust but verify".