My life is a mess: Wife and relative Vegas Story

[Whatthehellhappened]

Why not make the lull in the marriage your emotional focus rather than the trip? Given your reaction, one would guess there's lots to work on there.

 

When it comes down to it, you're angry that your wife didn't obey you. While that might be the right emotion, it's directed at the wrong thing.

 

What were the reasons for the "low point"?

 

Many reasons. Many my fault. No cheating, but I'm sure she felt neglected. We were arguing and fighting a lot. Family issues mainly. Money too.

 

The thing is, we both have always been super tight as far as leashes go. Tight boundaries. We always told each other all details about what we were doing and tried not to overstep boundaries. I know if I even told her I had a conversation with a random woman at work, she would raise an eyebrow and to an extensive investigation..that kind of boundary.

 

So this was waaaaay out of the norm for us. Even though some might think it's controlling, we were always both like this. This was different. The fact that she is not sorry for 'not respecting as her husband' what I thought is my MAJOR red flag.

Edited January 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Disappointed wife]

This is the wife of the OP. My husband has failed to give full disclosure with his post in Hope's to find support for his unfounded cheating accusations.

 

A little back story...I have asked my husband to go to Vegas for over a decade. He has told me flat out that he has had zero interest in going. He also got mad at my sister for asking me to fly out to babysit for her because she and her husband wanted to go. He thought it was rude of her to ask since she knew how much I wanted to go. So he knew how important it was to me.

 

My husband and I have a volatile relationship. I have asked him to go for couples counseling for over a decade. His behavior toward me greatly changed when we had children. He started calling me a cheating whore when I was pregnant with our first child. Yes, I realize this is abusive behavior. But I did the research and found that a lot of men had problems facing that they created another life and often have a hard time coping with that. I thought it would pass after our child was born. It didn't. For more than a decade I have been accused of cheating because of his insecurities.

 

I love my husband and always have. My family is my top priority! My kids are my world!! One of our children became severely disabled after 5 brain surgeries. Every year has been a struggle and I have been his main (at times, sole) care giver. He is doing much better but it has taken a long time to get him to where he is today. It was a struggle to deal with this while not having the emotional support of my husband. In the meantime, I too have struggled for the last 10 + years with my own health issues. All the while raising 3 kids and trying to make my husband a priority.

 

My needs and wants fell to the wayside. I did not have the emotional support I needed from my husband. I made my needs known...he did not care. He stopped having sex with me and I would cry about it and he would tell me I was crazy. All the while he was was watching porn and taking care of his own needs. So I shut down emotionally as a defense mechanism because it hurt too much to not have the support of the one person I needed most. I started seeing a therapist on my own to help deal with all of these issues.

 

I would Express my needs and my husbands response was that I was dramatic and that things weren't really that bad. The one night a year we had date night was when we would go Christmas shopping for our kids. He has continued to ruin that to the point we didn't even do it. He took that one night a year away from me.

 

My health started to deteriorate. I had to have an emergency surgery where the doctors found all of my internal organs were inflamed. They thought I had cancer. At the same time I was diagnosed with stage 2 heart failure with an ejection fraction rate of 60%. In comes my cousin who has a medical background. She knows how serious this is and that I could eventually die from this as most people only deteriorate after that. She knew how badly I wanted to go to Vegas and offered to pay for the hot and airfare. I was only responsible for spending money. It was my birthday and my family gave me money so I could go and have fun as they knew I deserved a much needed break. My parents were supportive. My husband vaguely mentioned he wasn't okay with it but since my cousin was paying for it he didn't really object.

 

The day I was supposed to leave my daughter was really sick with a fever and vomiting. I felt so guilty going and was going to cancel but my step mom helped and told me to go. She took care of my daughter until my husband got home from work. I called nonstop because I felt so bad leaving her while she was sick. They facetimed with me constantly. I took lots of pictures and sent them. My husband was indifferent and made me feel guilty the whole time I was there.

 

Yes, I went clubbing...I had never done that before and don't plan to do it again. I didn't enjoy it. We went on a party tour bus which I naively thought was going to take us on a tour of Vegas. I didn't know it was taking us to various clubs. As soon as we were in a club in my hotel I ditched the tour and my cousin. She had left me at the club to go to our room and didn't say anything. She was gone maybe 15 minutes. I thought she was in the bathroom. I found out after that she took one of the police officers from our tour bus back to the room to get deodorant. Which I believe. She is heavier and was sweating like a pig. I yelled at her for taking a stranger back to our room. I was pissed as I thought it was careless and stupid

My husband views this as me allowing my cousin to cheat! Like I said I went back to my room after the argument and called my husband and told him how much I missed him and the kids. He again guilted me for going.

 

The rest of the trip was spent o

Relaxing on the beach. It was really nice not to have to take care of everything at home for a couple of days. I wanted my husband to be responsible for the kids and home so he could see that it's not as easy as he thinks it is being home full-time. He thinks I do nothing all day every day. That really hurts. Or kids have anxiety issues and every morning before school all three of our kids have diarrhea and vomit. I wanted him to experience the frustration that goes along with that but he didn't because he let them stay home so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

 

Meanwhile, my cousin and I went to a pool party for some rapper affiliated with the Jenner's. I'm not interested. My cousin was acting inappropriately and all of the other partygoers were drunk. I don't drink so this was really annoying. I left the party to go lay on the beach and skyped with my husband and kids. While I was there I got a frantic call from my cousin saying I needed to come get her before she hot arrested. I was pissed! I left her alone for 15 minutes!! Turns out she got caught smoking pot in the bathroom and got banned from all MGM properties. So I had to take care of finding new accommodations for our last night. I was furious!! Looking back at it now I find it mildly entertaining because that is something that would only happen in a movie! My husband does not see the humor.

 

So, the trip for the most part was relaxing and just what I needed to rejuvenate myself and be a better mom. I truly needed that break!! I do not regret the trip. I didn't do anything to warrant my husbands distrust in me. He didn't talk to me for a few days after I got back. We didn't fight or anything and our lives went back to basically being roommates with indifference toward each other.

 

Recently my husband has changed. He suddenly interested in sex. Accusing me of cheating while telling me how much he loves me. He suddenly has confidence where he has never had before. Been extremely affectionate and wants to spend all of his time with me. We've gone on more dates in the last 2 months than we have in the last 15 years. He's made me a priority. I love the closeness but wonder what has brought it on! I find it odd. Then he tells me that he uses incognito mode so I can't check his search history. Why? I think he is cheating!! He is snooping through my cousins facebook page saving pictures (ones I already sent him) asking why I never sent them to him. He tells me he is spying on me. I have nothing to hide so I don't care. He is obsessed with this trip 18 months after it happened all the while acting suspicious and all of his behavior is pointing to cheating. He sent my cousin a nasty message on Facebook provoking a fight...and sent my therapist a nasty facebook message because he didn't like the advice she gave me to get a divorce!

 

I'm so frustrated and heartbroken and feel like the progress we made the last couple of months has been fake! Please help and give honest advice now that you know both sides of the story!

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.s. my husband told me about this post and did not like the original response he got.

[Whatthehellhappened]

Not even close to all truths, but I'm glad you had the time to come behind me, type all that up and I'm stuck at work looking for answers as to why you make me feel this way.

 

I'll have to find another place to vent, because it cannot be here anymore with you laying out a backstory like that with your time.

 

I'd say the trust issues run a little deep. Thanks for painting up a story that suits up responses you want.

 

Thanks

[Disappointed wife]

Not even close to all truths, but I'm glad you had the time to come behind me, type all that up and I'm stuck at work looking for answers as to why you make me feel this way.

 

I'll have to find another place to vent, because it cannot be here anymore with you laying out a backstory like that with your time.

 

I'd say the trust issues run a little deep. Thanks for painting up a story that suits up responses you want.

 

Thanks

 

 

What you're upset because I gave them all of the info? Typical. You only want the responses that support your unfounded claim! To paint you as the victim as usual.

 

Don't bother looking elsewhere because I am DONE! 14 years of this bull**** is enough!! Thank you for going behind my back and destroying the relationship I had with my therapist so I can't even go to them to discuss these issues!!

[Victoria]

Closing thread. If the OP wants it re-opened, please hit alert and let moderation know.

 

Thanks,

 

~ V

Edited October 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reopened per starter request ~W

[Whatthehellhappened]

Thanks for reopening this.

 

I love my wife to death. I don't know why this happened. I'm confused and feel like I just needed help dealing with my feelings about this. Thanks for the comments guys and baby I love you even though we have these problems. Always and forever.

 

I'm not insecure about this issue. It was just simething that really really bugged me to the point I made this post. I just needed somebody to talk to about it.

[FMW]

Talk to each other face to face, you don't need a bunch of strangers chiming in.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not insecure about this issue. It was just simething that really really bugged me to the point I made this post.

 

I'd guess this is hard for your wife to deal with because you refuse to be honest, either with her or yourself.

 

You're extremely insecure about this issue, 11 on a scale of 10. You've projected, deflected and implied she doesn't care about your marriage in the same way you do. You may have, in your mind, some real reasons for feeling this way though I doubt this trip is the main culprit.

 

You might try talking rather than leveling accusations. Hope you find some common ground...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi What and Disappointed, after reading the latest posts by both of you I am almost sure now that, firstly, your marriage is dead as a dodo and, secondly, the two of you are as incompatible as can be and any effort to try and rekindle any sparks that may have existed at the start of your relationship will be futile as they have been irrevocably extinguished and and can never again be ignited. At this late stage for you to say that you love your wife more than anything What, may just be too little too late. Both of you had a chance to save your marriage when the warning signs first appeared but apparently, for reasons best known to both of you, you let that opportunity slip. There is no use crying over spilt milk. Just accept that things are over between you two and go your different ways amicably.

 

You may wonder why I am so sure things are over between you two. Well, for one thing, I stand by what I observed about What. The two issues of paramount importance are a) Insecurity and b) Lack of trust in your wife. As far as Disappointed is concerned, I believe she does have a wild streak in her which needs assuaging periodically. Why do I say this? I think no mother would in any circumstances leave a sick child to go off gallivanting with some one who had loose boundaries to a Party town like Vegas. No matter how guilty the person felt while there there is nothing that can justify this decision. An adult can always postpone one's own enjoyment for the sake of a sick child rather than offer justifications as to how it was alright to go off to enjoy one's self because one was stressed out. Only a certain degree of callousness can justify such behaviour. Just my observation. Best wishes.

[sandylee1]

@Just a guy

 

You think she should have cancelled a trip to Vegas when her step mom was on hand to help and when her husband was still around?

 

Suddenly the trip is labelled as galavanting. So sexist.

 

The OP withheld a lot of vital information.

 

I believe your wife. You guys need couples counselling to try and work on your marriage.

[DKT3]

@Just a guy

 

You think she should have cancelled a trip to Vegas when her step mom was on hand to help and when her husband was still around?

 

Suddenly the trip is labelled as galavanting. So sexist.

 

The OP withheld a lot of vital information.

 

I believe your wife. You guys need couples counselling to try and work on your marriage.

 

Why do you believe her? Her story, to me, sounds self serving. Listen, any time a spouse blames EVERYTHING on the other its impossible that they are 100% telling the truth.

 

In his posts he points out his faults, in her post she points out his faults and pretty much blames everything on him. EVERYTHING. Hard to believe people who talk in absolutes.

[anika99]

There are beaches in Las Vegas. Maybe google it before insinuating dishonesty.

 

I believe his wife too. Maybe it sounds unbelievable to someone who has never been on the receiving end of a emotionally abusive, controlling, selfish man. I think his wife deserved this trip. He didn't really give a valid reason for his not wanting her to go other than he just didn't want her to. Sound like a marriage where if the wife has to get her husband's approval to do something she'll never do anything because he won't let her.

[preraph]

Jeez, you are really out of bounds. Your wife went to Vegas. Who gives a crap what the cousin did??? None of your concern, and nothing the cousin did reflects on your wife and you know it. You are so insecure and jealous that you need to see a counselor about it. This is your problem, not hers. The poor woman just needed a vacation and now look how you're making her pay for it. That's unreasonable. Stay out of your cousin's business and trust your wife and hush up about it or you'll drive her away by keeping her caged up and accusing of things.

 

My theory of why guys accuse innocent wives is because they assume their wife would do what they would do if they themselves had the opportunity, and this is rarely ever the case. Women just aren't that nuts about hooking up with random married men they'll never see again usually like men are with random women of any sort. So stop projecting.

[Mr. Lucky]

Your wife disrespected you by going when you made it clear you didn't want her going!

 

What do you expect to do? If you do nothing she just continues to disrespect you even more.

 

Sounds slightly medieval.

 

I know lots of guys that plan everything from hunting trips to weekends at sporting events who don't feel spousal "permission" is part of the equation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

There are beaches in Las Vegas. Maybe google it before insinuating dishonesty.

 

I believe his wife too. Maybe it sounds unbelievable to someone who has never been on the receiving end of a emotionally abusive, controlling, selfish man. I think his wife deserved this trip. He didn't really give a valid reason for his not wanting her to go other than he just didn't want her to. Sound like a marriage where if the wife has to get her husband's approval to do something she'll never do anything because he won't let her.

 

I would agree, except she doesn't take responsibility for anything. All the issues in the marriage are her husband's fault, all the mischief on the trip was her cousin's fault. She makes it sound like she is just on the ride in life. Usually the attitude hides lies. Just saying.

[Whatthehellhappened]

Look guys, I don't need sympathy. I understand what a scummy husband I had been in the past. Even though I was this way, we were both horrible to each other at times. Still, no excuses from my side. Unacceptable.

 

My whole post on here was part of an odd epiphany of sorts. I started looking at this trip and plugging things together in my head. I really hope I was just REALLY off base. My gut was telling me otherwise, and that's why our fighting started.

 

I never wanted to ever post here or be dramatic.

I just needed an outlet. People's motivations for doing things are so confusing and confounding to me. My wife has always been the best even though her opinion of me can be pretty bad at times. This hurts. I was just horrified that I made her feel that her only option to make herself happy was to experience some wild experience for her away from me. And at that point, I could see her saying that she deserved it because I was the worst husband and she deserved it. That's all. But I posted as truthful as I could originally.

[Mr. Lucky]

Voila - The beach in LV...

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=beach+at+mandalay+bay&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjimaiQ67TeAhWmITQIHTTrCQ0Q_AUIFCgC&biw=1280&bih=579

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

Ahaha, those are NOT the beach!

 

Those are like water parks/special effects pools!

 

Vegas is a desert city. No natural beach there.

 

Good grief. There are 3 or 4 beaches in Vegas. Yes they are man made but there is sand and water and people call them beaches. So no, his wife didn't have to drive 10hrs to go to the beach.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks isn't there a saying "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"? Fact is we do not know either the OP or his wife and what their actual dynamic is. However, if I do know one thing then it is that you cannot clap with one hand. I would think that there was an equal contribution to the marriage reaching the low level it is at, which is why I said that the OP and his wife are possibly incompatible and that if they separate amicably then maybe both of them can go on to find partners with whom they can both build happy marriages. What is the point of continuing in an unhappy marriage? Just something to think about.

[Disappointed wife]

Hi Folks isn't there a saying "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"? Fact is we do not know either the OP or his wife and what their actual dynamic is. However, if I do know one thing then it is that you cannot clap with one hand. I would think that there was an equal contribution to the marriage reaching the low level it is at, which is why I said that the OP and his wife are possibly incompatible and that if they separate amicably then maybe both of them can go on to find partners with whom they can both build happy marriages. What is the point of continuing in an unhappy marriage? Just something to think about.

 

Just a Guy,

 

First of all, I never claimed to be perfect! I only gave the information my DH left out of his original post. Not our entire history of issues. Just the things that were valid for this Vegas trip.

 

Second, you are a jerk for insinuating that I'm not a good mother because my daughter woke up with a stomach bug the morning of the trip. I didn't pay for the trip. My cousin did and no you can't just reschedule it. She would have lost her money because of me. I felt comfortable going leaving her with her father. He's just as capable of taking care of a sick child as I am.

 

Third, it's easy for you to say that we should throw our marriage and the past 20 years of our lives away. You don't know us! You obviously missed where I stated that I had asked my husband to go to counseling for more than a decade. It would have been great to work on these issues together a long time ago. He has also been accusing me of cheating for more than 14 years...not just this trip. So your logic of saying I'm the cheater because I turned around and accused him is false. I have also read that the person who is the accuser is the one actually cheating...again I've been dealing with this false accusation for 14 years!! My husband is insecure and that stems from issues in his life before I came along.

 

I also do not have a wild side. That part was actually funny!

 

All in all it really doesn't matter because we are anonymous and you don't truly know us. Thank to those of you that actually gave constructive advice!

 

 

My husband knows deep down how much I love him and knows that I would never do anything to jeopardize our family. I am done defending myself for something that didn't happen. But if it makes him feel better to take the advice of strangers so be it!

 

And, yes there are beaches at some of the resorts in Vegas.

 

Have a great day!

Edited November 2, 2018 by Disappointed wife

[d0nnivain]

Look guys, I don't need sympathy. I understand what a scummy husband I had been in the past. Even though I was this way, we were both horrible to each other at times. Still, no excuses from my side. Unacceptable.

 

My whole post on here was part of an odd epiphany of sorts. I started looking at this trip and plugging things together in my head. I really hope I was just REALLY off base. My gut was telling me otherwise, and that's why our fighting started.

 

I never wanted to ever post here or be dramatic.

I just needed an outlet. People's motivations for doing things are so confusing and confounding to me. My wife has always been the best even though her opinion of me can be pretty bad at times. This hurts. I was just horrified that I made her feel that her only option to make herself happy was to experience some wild experience for her away from me. And at that point, I could see her saying that she deserved it because I was the worst husband and she deserved it. That's all. But I posted as truthful as I could originally.

 

 

There is your version. There is her version. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. If any part of her version is true, you can't trust your gut. It's leading you astray & making you believe things conjured up from your insecurities rather than facts.

 

As I said in my 1st response, this trip was the straw that broke the camel's back for you. It's not so much about the trip as about all the stuff that has been part of your relationship for years.

 

I think the 1st step is for you both to figure out what you want. If you want to stay together, then start working on ways to make that happen. Both of you need to define what your ideal marriage looks like. After you make your own lists, then compare. You can see where the points of overlap are & where there is a disconnect. I suspect there are a few disconnects. WTHH, you seem to want more assurances & proof that she loves you. DW you want a husband who trusts you & wants to fulfill some of your desires, like going to Vegas. It's all going to come down to what you are each willing to do to make this work.

 

Best wishes.

[preraph]

I would agree, except she doesn't take responsibility for anything. All the issues in the marriage are her husband's fault, all the mischief on the trip was her cousin's fault. She makes it sound like she is just on the ride in life. Usually the attitude hides lies. Just saying.

 

She's just learned that's what works best to counter his insecurity, that's all.

[Whoknew30]

Hi Folks isn't there a saying "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"? Fact is we do not know either the OP or his wife and what their actual dynamic is. However, if I do know one thing then it is that you cannot clap with one hand. I would think that there was an equal contribution to the marriage reaching the low level it is at, which is why I said that the OP and his wife are possibly incompatible and that if they separate amicably then maybe both of them can go on to find partners with whom they can both build happy marriages. What is the point of continuing in an unhappy marriage? Just something to think about.

 

It’s sad how some will shoot out “divorce” bc an imperfect time. If looking for perfection, one would be looking forever. A couple can very well work on themselves & their relationship at the same time. Saying if a couple spits, all of sudden a new person & relationship will combat the issues they had in previous relationship, is something no one can say...bc the one half of the issue from a marriage is still the same & if they didn’t self reflect & learn from the previous failure, who’s to say they won’t repeat their same mistakes with someone & run into the issues with a new relationship? It’s why you see so many people regret divorce when seeing their spouse as a different person & wishing they could have learned together vs starting over with some new. People don’t have to spilt to self reflect as individuals & a couple. Every relationship goes through unhappy times...

 

OP...you’ve made years of issues about one trip...which says you probably have a habit of doing this throughout your marriage & not really listening. Your insecurities aren’t your wife’s fault & if you blame her, you’ll never get over this feeling & it will eventually ruin your marriage & follow you into any further relationship you were to enter. Often when one person is extremely insecure, it can really eat at the other person & in turn can cause a negative unhealthy response from the spouse dealing with it. Now they ultimately are held accountable for their negative behavior too...it’s just the cycle has to stop somewhere. With work & love you can accomplish what you want as a couple!

 

I’ve also been with my H 20 + years...we’ve done a lot of rotten things to each other, been through a lot with each other & even ourselves are surprised we’ve made it...& it’s made us closer so much closer. I’d rather have gone through it with him vs what I watch, some around me, going through the same crap with multiple people. lol new people, new problems to face. You know everything there is to know about each other’s issues...which is a huge head start to be able to heal them...good luck

[usa1ah]

Aha! Vegas isn't THE issue. Vegas is the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

 

I get why your wife didn't tell you the full story. 1). How her cousin behaves is actually none of your business. 2). she knew it was going to bother you & she preferred to avoid the hassle. The later isn't good practice inside a marriage. Sins of omission do hurt but if you hope to save your marriage work with your wife on your communication. You both need to do better.

 

His wife going to Vegas with a cheater is his business.

[usa1ah]

This is the wife of the OP. My husband has failed to give full disclosure with his post in Hope's to find support for his unfounded cheating accusations.

 

A little back story...I have asked my husband to go to Vegas for over a decade. He has told me flat out that he has had zero interest in going. He also got mad at my sister for asking me to fly out to babysit for her because she and her husband wanted to go. He thought it was rude of her to ask since she knew how much I wanted to go. So he knew how important it was to me.<snip>

 

Here is the problem with what happened.

 

There are to many stories here and other sites that deal with a wife going to Vegas.

 

Did you workout, but new clothes and tan up before going?

 

If so, every story that the wife dot this ends with “she cheated”.

 

I don’t know what your marriage has been like but if the roles were reversed what would you have done?

 

What if you husband said he was going to the Caribbean with a friend you didn’t trust. Say he started workingout getting in shape for this trip. Bought new clothes himself before the trip.

 

The thing that would make me believe my wife would have cheated is if she lied to me after a trip to Vegas. Lie about small things why not the big one.

 

Only you know if you cheated.

 

We all need a break from the daily grind, I just think you went about it the wrong way. It ended up with you lying to your husband about what went on and him thinking you could have cheated on him.

Edited January 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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