Ex broke me to pieces

[manifestsunshine]

Hi there! Would really appreciate your thoughts!

 

I had been with my ex for the past 5 years and as my health deteriorated I could not provide the level of support to him he needed. Instead of talking to me, he hid his emotions, although he was the one who suggested he wanted us to both be upfront with each other to begin with about our feelings. It wasn't until he moved away for a job that he told me he felt "neglected," and I guess he had already friend-zoned me after I didn't want to move with him. I was unsure about the move as my health was in jeopardy so I couldn't really make the leap, but I think he took it as a hard "no I don't want to be with you," after I said I can't right now. He assumed that I knew that him leaving without me was a break-up... but in fact, we never talked about anything and I assumed we would still be together but just long-distance. He always mentioned he would still come visit me and my family which reinforced the idea we were still together. I needed time to recover and I finally have, but he recently told me he had changed his mind about us and wanted to be left alone. The space gave him enough clarity to rethink our relationship. I on the other hand was devastated bc I was changing for the better, which he even acknowledged, but I guess it wasn't enough. When I visited him recently...about 2 weeks in, we were acting like a couple, until the last week, he said he wanted to be left alone and cannot commit to a relationship. He works six days a week with 12 hours shifts. I was devastated as he never told me how he felt upfront before I flew over to him and I felt betrayed. I had even said, "I love you" and he reciprocated as if we were together. It wasn't until the other day I decided to not see him anymore, he said, "he was not in love with me anymore." It's as if he put on a whole facade when I had visited him and even told me later he "didn't even want me to come visit." He even had the audacity to tell me "I took advantage of him" by being intimate with him....but he never stopped me and said anything. How would he assume I knew he wanted to be friends...if he never talked to me! If I would have known we were just friends, don't you think he would have slept in a different bed or at least offered? I'm just really hurt and angry he would do this to me...I am heartbroken. I so believed we could make it work with all my effort, but to my dismay it was all a waste of time, effort and money. HE could have spared me a lot of heartbreak by being honest to begin with. I don't know why he strung me along! I know he cares about me to some extent and wanted to still be in my life...but how can he think in the long-run I would be OK as friends, knowing my true feeling for him? He had moved on a while before I came over and I feel very used right now and am trying to cope after knowing all his words and actions were a huge lie. He did show signs of remorse so I'm glad he exhibited some form of empathy but I'm very hateful towards him now. He had also told me not wait for him and then later on that I will find someone someday...also chiming in on him potentially finding someone as well. It felt like a huge smack in my face. I was his ONLY true friend and a part of me wants to see him suffer as much as I have for the last few weeks...and it's only been a day since I told him but I really hope it sinks in to him about what he did....as he is off from work for another day, so he can't use it to distract himself. I feel sick to my stomach and I get really bad panic attacks. My emotions take ahold of me as I cry myself to sleep. He really broke my trust. If anyone can help elaborate on why he may have strung me along, I'd really appreciate your help. I just don't understand what his intentions were by doing this..it's as if he acted without any sense of rationality of what the repercussions would be. I just don't understand how he could think he could get away with this in the long-run...with me being OK to roll with it. Thank you!

Edited October 18, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[d0nnivain]

Paragraphs would have helped.

 

Anyway . . .

 

While you were still together, your health was apparently an obstacle. Instead of discussing it with you, he held his feelings & then decided unilaterally to move for work. That was body blow # 1 to you.

 

When you didn't relocate with him, you two didn't talk about what that relocation meant. You assumed it meant LDR. He assumed you were officially broken up.

 

Somehow you ended up going to see him. You assumed this was a natural extension of the LDR, occasional time spent together. He apparently assumed it was post break up easy sex & nothing more. Your failure to communicate caused these misunderstandings & hurt feelings.

 

Now you have been told that he doesn't want an LDR & it's over. Sadly you can't undo that. He's gone. . . physically & emotionally.

 

Yes, it sucks. However, you have to take care of yourself & your health. Leave him be. Going forward as you get into a new relationship make sure you talk, really talk, & you confirm that you are on the same page about various issues. No more assumptions.

[manifestsunshine]

Paragraphs would have helped.

 

Anyway . . .

 

While you were still together, your health was apparently an obstacle. Instead of discussing it with you, he held his feelings & then decided unilaterally to move for work. That was body blow # 1 to you.

 

When you didn't relocate with him, you two didn't talk about what that relocation meant. You assumed it meant LDR. He assumed you were officially broken up.

 

Somehow you ended up going to see him. You assumed this was a natural extension of the LDR, occasional time spent together. He apparently assumed it was post break up easy sex & nothing more. Your failure to communicate caused these misunderstandings & hurt feelings.

 

Now you have been told that he doesn't want an LDR & it's over. Sadly you can't undo that. He's gone. . . physically & emotionally.

 

Yes, it sucks. However, you have to take care of yourself & your health. Leave him be. Going forward as you get into a new relationship make sure you talk, really talk, & you confirm that you are on the same page about various issues. No more assumptions.

 

Thank you for your words of wisdom! Definitely appreciate your insight. It makes sense and I know moving forward what to do. Just feel very hurt still and it's hard to find a good coping mechanism.

 

He actually texted me mentioning when he comes back he will drop off a shirt I left at his home. I don't even want to talk to him, but do you think I should give him the courtesy of just throwing it out? or just don't respond and let him do what he wants. I just don't want to talk to him at all....and part of me thinks with NC that is the best way to move forward. Thanks for your help!

[d0nnivain]

Tell him to mail the shirt if you like the shirt. Otherwise you can tell him not to bother.

[manifestsunshine]

Tell him to mail the shirt if you like the shirt. Otherwise you can tell him not to bother.

 

Thank you for your response!

 

Yeah I guess it's not worth it for him to bring it all the way to me and it's not worth mailing.

[Gretchen12]

You have to let go of this anger. It is eating you up. You cannot be free as long as you are angry. Sometimes, some men will do this because at the time when he pretended all was well, he thought he was being nice to you but in the end that made it worse. Some men really fear hurting women, seeing women cry, receiving disapproval from women. Of course some of that is cowardliness. There is also something going back to childhood where the child fears the mother's disapproval. It seems women are not as fearful of breaking the bad news to men and hurting them. I'm not making excuses or defending his actions. I'm just trying to help you let go of the anger by offering another way to look at it.

Also, you know, this type of thing is his personality and background. It will not change. So it's best that you break up anyway. (Although he handled it the worst way possible). Even if you had stayed together, he will continue to not communicate and then maybe he feels neglected then cheats on you. (Some men cheat for just that reason). So the end result is right, you should not be together. Just focus on that and try to forget the past. What's done is done.

[manifestsunshine]

You have to let go of this anger. It is eating you up. You cannot be free as long as you are angry. Sometimes, some men will do this because at the time when he pretended all was well, he thought he was being nice to you but in the end that made it worse. Some men really fear hurting women, seeing women cry, receiving disapproval from women. Of course some of that is cowardliness. There is also something going back to childhood where the child fears the mother's disapproval. It seems women are not as fearful of breaking the bad news to men and hurting them. I'm not making excuses or defending his actions. I'm just trying to help you let go of the anger by offering another way to look at it.

Also, you know, this type of thing is his personality and background. It will not change. So it's best that you break up anyway. (Although he handled it the worst way possible). Even if you had stayed together, he will continue to not communicate and then maybe he feels neglected then cheats on you. (Some men cheat for just that reason). So the end result is right, you should not be together. Just focus on that and try to forget the past. What's done is done.

 

Thank you for your breakdown!

I do know I need to but it's just so fresh still and it's really hard for me to cope and find a sense of relief. I remember the convo so clearly, it's cringe-worthy and am trying to feel the emotions, rather than suppress them. Even up until today I feel like I have a lot more crying to do and even doing kicks and punch exercises is helping me let out my frustration.

 

I do agree it is a huge underlying reason of why he did it, under the assumption that we would remain friends...that there wouldn't be anything at stake. He assumed being friends would be ok. But when he first told me how he felt, there was no empathy at all and no reaction when I cried. Nothing. He had reached the point of not being afraid or feeling anything...so detached! At that time I was so caught-off guard and didn't want to lose him I just "agreed."

 

It wasn't until I spoke to him again when I broke it off officially that he showed some emotion. So I guess maybe his feelings were so suppressed ...and the fact I caught him off-guard of de-friending him...that was when it really hit home. He also harped on the idea that my parents probably hate him...going back to disapproval point you mentioned.

 

So I guess his intentions of caring really backfired as it didn't settle in his mind until now that he would lose me. I think he was so numb to the pain I caused him, he kind of reciprocated the pain onto me...not realizing until after that he hurt me to the extent that I wanted to get the heck out. I think in the end he didn't want to lose me in his life, which was the reason he was so complacent and not proactively sharing his thoughts...but really he was not thinking it through. So when I surprised him, that is when it really sunk in that we both can't get what we want.

 

As much as I want to say I don't care about him I still do...and it's the hurt of getting over him and moving on..and also the potential of him finding someone else. But you're right, we shouldn't be together. Forgetting is hard, but moving on is even harder. Just trying to stay positive. I even think that even though I told him I don't want my stuff back, he will still drop it off. I told him "no" so I don't have to think about him in the future since he plans to come back next year. He even opened the door for me to reach out to him but I don't want to. He is friend's with my cousin so I'm sure he will find out through the grapevine how I'm doing. I have no respect for him anymore and it even bothers me he is so open to reconnect...as if nothing ever happened. I hope my expression of pain marinates with him deeply and he truly comes back to realize how much value I added to his life. I really want a big heart-felt apology from him or a sense of regret/remorse but I know I can't expect anything from him. I appreciate your insight, thank you!

Edited October 19, 2018 by manifestsunshine