What Really works in Romance and Love

[Mysterio]

What really works for you when it comes to romance and love.

 

My random thoughts are this. I have mentioned some of these themes before.

 

Making an obvious effort towards a woman in a romantic context. For some reason for me. Does not work for me.

 

When I am mild in flirting and border line don't care. If there is a romantic connection it comes to the forefront.

 

Anytime I think of a woman in real life and want to romantically connect. The woman is usually attached. So then I obvious let it go, before confirming any romantic attraction to her from me.

 

If she is single for some reason they come off as aloof and not wanting any type of romantic attention from me.

 

Seems like I do better by doing no leg work/not caring about making a romantic connection/. When it happens, it happens and its every 3 yrs or so.

 

I don't understand why its like that for me. My buddy. SA met his wife in 1988 married her in 1997 and had kids along the way. They are separated now. SA has a new GF now. All through his relationship with his wife. He messed around here and there. He either has a better radar than me in sizing up women romantically, but his style is brasher than mine.

 

Just looking at my life. Is the only way for me and some of my male friends is to just let love and romance just come to us, and when it does, be sort of aloof and have that woman question us in her head, instead of being straight forward and honest. When I think of two of my female friends JC/AG. JC's ex was very aloof and she was wrapped up with him for a year, until he broke up with her. AG's hubby is the strong and silent type. He sort of has that aloof style, they did work it out. AG's sister and I talked her out of divorcing her husband.

 

Bottom line. It feels like the woman is more attracted to a man that is semi aloof and will stay with him for the most part if he is like that. If he is warm and straight forward. She looses attraction for him after a while. Not every woman. But feels like most women.

 

Anyways. I just wondered what others situations were like.

[Chilli]

Man l can't even fathom all these internet theories like being aloof and all the rest of it.

l'll be honest with you 100% , that just all sounds like the biggest load of fkd up bullshyp l ever heard. lt sounds like some mad game and if your interested in someone as a hopefully life partner, what sort of bs would that be in starting it all out as games. yaknow, just crazy shyt that l wouldn't even know how the hell l would've ever even had a relationship playing that bs.

 

But eh , l don't live in your world , here that would only get you shafted carrying on with that crap.

lf l've liked someone , l've showed it and gone get her, if she'll allow , and that's always worked just fine. lt's real , and l've never ever had a complaint form it, quite the opposite in fact.

And after a 20 yr marriage , l found it's still all exactly the same as it always was, even back to 15 or 16. But why wouldn't it be , that's how it just works , naturally.

 

But like l said , l don;t live in your world but honestly if your looking for something real and lasting , l just can't see how starting it out with bs is gonna get that.

[Mysterio]

Perhaps I have to face reality and say that I have to let love come to me more.

 

I figure that I may have to go to On line dating again. Real life dating for me it loopy at best. Most women around me are attached. So unless I try an break up a couple, which I don't and will not do. I have to wait till a woman shows me clear signs or ask out who ever I fancy out and just take the outcome. Yet I don't want to be always on the make.

 

The next woman that comes into my life. I am going to have to really dig deep in myself and work it out. Its possible that I am looking for too much. No one friend is perfect. So why should a love match be as well.

 

I see a woman, just like all the guys do. I make an effort to get to know her. In real life. The women are mostly attached. If they are single. Asking them out feels tricky. Even though I have stated this before. The single women to me for the most part, don't come off as gung ho to go out. Even though its just dinner and conversation for 2 hours at best.

 

When I don't care as much. Those women seem to come out of the wood work when it does happen.

 

I want more love and physical affection in my life. So its not like I am trying to get married/sex right away. My EX has the opposite problem. No one wants to start a family with her. The guys she meets are more like that.

 

I don't know why we are having such bad luck meeting people that are suitable to us. My buddy MO does not want kids and his wife as well. They met when they were 21 and 17. I don't know how they lucked out. The only thing is that when MO met M. They both worked for the same company and they were pushed into each other at a wedding social.

 

When I look a my other male friends. None of them did any leg work to be in their relationship. The Women basically took charge. In my mind. if I want things to more or less go my way in real life. I have to let a woman come to me. I don't get all excited and react a little chill to the idea. I will have a better time with her.

 

Now do all see how I feel stuck and don't know what to do. Like I said before. I may have to go back to on line dating, because real life is not working out much.

 

Here is how I see myself. 5'9. Black. 200 lbs / Fit shape/ Shaved Head, and working out and getting fitter each day. Soft spoken. Warm and friendly. Introspctive/Inquizative. Think about what I say for the most part. I just want out of this locked lifestyle of singleness. Its not for me. I am not a loner. I think its beyond me now at age 47. I don't want to be pondering singleness at age 57 in 10 yrs.

 

I just can't understand why some of us struggle more than other. Its like do something about it. The results are murky 90% of the time. Do nothing and when it comes. It works out, but in my case, it may be short lived. My ex wanted to have kids in month 5 or on our way to it. I did not. I did not feel like we were gelled enough to support children as a couple.

 

My close to ideal relationship is with a woman that when she sees me. Is happy to see me. We give each other a hug and kiss. We enjoy each others company. We do social and recreational things together and make out/make love half a dozen times. Something like that and mix affection and interesting conversations and laughs and even quiet time together.

 

We may evolve into marriage and one kid. I am open to that. It just takes time. Not 5 yrs but not a 1 yr as well.

 

Love matches should not be this hard. Since I am wanting it.

[Chilli]

Yeah right .

Sorry to hear it hasn't come together though you always sound like a really decent guy damn shame a worthy woman hasn;t turned up yet.

You wren't interested in a family at the time with your ex or ?

 

For me l don't think it was ever about say doing anything purposely like letting a girl come to me or trying not to care for example , usually a girl coming to me was mainly because l wasn't interested enough anyway typically, but they also don't typically do things that way here anyway is pretty rare unless she's 3/4 drunk or something.

So for me that theory doesn't wash but in a genuine way for example , life does on the other hand.Admittedly l've noticed many times things do seem to happen when we just genuinely get sick of worrying about them and we're just doing our thing.

And right through to actually meeting or even just seeing someone special for once just out and about, was always when l least expected it.

 

For me though also whatever friends were ever doing or living say married or whatever , or anyone l ever met through friends or around them never really made any difference because l never once met that special girl like that anyway but in some other way.

So maybe for you what all your friends are living doesn't even matter she's probably someone completely new and outside of all that, somewhere else.

Edited October 18, 2018 by Chilli

[Rotn'roses]

You think to much?. Period.

[Rotn'roses]

But I dig it. I think I could get along with a chatty guy who dissects everything. Your posts make me laugh out loud, on the inside. You seem like such a dear. I hope you find someone special and "perfect" for you soon.

[Mysterio]

Thinking too much is the basis of this board. I do wish I did not think to much, but I do.

 

I guess I don't want it to be like this. I approch a woman and she has a guy. I try and read social cues. If I can just wish my radar was better at picking romantic prospect in real life. A lot of women are attached in my life. They have lots of guys trying to mack them all the time.

 

The only time I don't have to think when I go after a romantic prospect is if I do the on-line dating thing.

 

Last night I approched a woman, after observing her for about 30 minutes. We talked for 5 minutes and she was friendly. I guess I have this thing in my head that I want the ideal circumstance and be slick about it. So that means, knowing what type of woman is attracted to me, and she falls into my lap, with out me doing major leg work.

 

When I look at my past with women. All romantic relations sprout when I am in a I don't care mode. Never when I am showing obvious effort. Sometimes I think that women know that when men apporch them. Its always romantic 90% of the time. The better the response from the woman towards the man. That man is going to look at her more in a romantic way.

[Chilli]

Well , the fact that she has a man means nothing really because you wouldn't put anything out there or on the line until you know that first. F ew minutes , try and look happy for her , or you can be sad if you wanna give her an ego boost haha,she'll probably give you a warm smile.

Until then though it can only be some casual convo

But yeah of course they know and feel things , part of being a woman but if she's a genuinely 1/2 decent person she won't think bad of you asking or talking.

 

l guess then if that's your pattern that's served you well in the past then that's probably how it works for you. When l first got divorced l thought holy hell what do l do , but then l thought well l do what l use to do , if it ain't broke, yaknow. lt still served me well , even better in fact.

Edited October 22, 2018 by Chilli

[gaius]

At the end of the day I think it mostly comes down to desire. At their core these other examples you mentioned just wanted it more than you. Even if you don't realize it. Some part of you isn't that into it.

 

When I was getting into my relationship with my wife it was almost like I was on autopilot. There wasn't any debate, hesitation or conflict. It was just the direction I was going to go. My desire for her was so great that I just instinctually did what it took to be with her. And now we're together.

 

Now it's just up to you to figure out why your instincts lead you in the opposite direction from intimacy.

[EthanBlack]

At the end of the day I think it mostly comes down to desire. At their core these other examples you mentioned just wanted it more than you. Even if you don't realize it. Some part of you isn't that into it.

 

When I was getting into my relationship with my wife it was almost like I was on autopilot. There wasn't any debate, hesitation or conflict. It was just the direction I was going to go. My desire for her was so great that I just instinctually did what it took to be with her. And now we're together.

 

Now it's just up to you to figure out why your instincts lead you in the opposite direction from intimacy.

 

This is the nail on the head.

 

Sometimes we think we're attracted to someone and that we should be with this person but there's a subconscious part of us that is telling us no, you don't belong with her.

 

I've experienced this multiple times. Call it intuition or whatever but sometimes that person you think is perfect and put on a pedestal has actual qualities that totally are not compatible with yours. In hindsight, I've always breathed a sigh of relief that it didn't work out with these women after finding out years later what they were really like.

[Mysterio]

I am not Mr. Thirsty for chicks. I am chill and warm. Chill in the sense that I am not uppity. Warm because I am not cold.

 

I think that I have to let it come to me, but man is it frustrating. I think that most of us just want to get out of dating and into a romantic relationship. Its not being single that is the problem. Its that most of us are in this groove where we are not treated well in the dating system.

 

I think that some of us are really going to have to let the ladies come to us. I know I keep saying this over and over on a weekly basis. I think its the dating grind that is more frustrating more than the actual being single.