Finally over - but not sure why or what happened...?

[Chinook]

In 2011 I posted this thread after my H left me after 10 months of marriage.

 

Upped and quit, blaming me for circumstances which ultimately were a product of both our frustrations. Fast forward a week or two and he came back and we tried to work it out. From then on, the following two years were okay, never really the same... but okay. Then we sold what was my house originally and moved away to rebuild properly.

 

I think that's possibly when things changed, but cannot be sure. These things are fairly insidious aren't they..? You miss what are really red flags because you're thinking 'no, it can't be', or you're thinking, 'nah, he's just tired, just fed up with work etc etc'.

 

So next I'm gonna post a list of red flags... red flags that I myself have counselled others on. I know what the answer is but I was looking for validation that I'm not going crazy. See, I am being gaslighted at every turn and I don't know up from down right now. So these things have happened intermittently over the last five years and to some extent continue today:

 

• 
  Has slept in another room since 2013.

• Has withdrawn any and all love and affection pretty much since the same time but only given it when he wanted sex. He used to worship the ground I walked on and I'm at a loss as to what changed. I'm not overweight, I go to the gym regularly etc. He just stopped caring about me - good example, there were a few rape cases near to where I live and one evening I was late at work and had gone out with friends following work. I was getting the 10pm train home. I texted and told him I was on the train - at one time, he would have met me at the station and walked me home. Nope, I never asked so he didn't come. Now most will think actually he has a point, he's not a mind reader - but it's really at odds because he at one time wouldn't allow me to walk home alone. That's the disparity.

• Sex is mechanical and loveless - pretty much over with, no foreplay, no affection - I'm a sperm receptacle most of the time. Initially he asked me would I mind just helping him to finish by laying there and allowing it (yes, this was pretty much the conversation) and at the time, I felt a sense of horror and grief, but allowed it because I love him - it evolved to pretty much being used every time since then. My own fault I guess.

• Protective of phones and devices - I have no access to any of them. All password protected and such.

• I have no access to his finances, salary and utility information for his phones. He could be wildly in debt or rolling in money for all I know. He pays me (into my account) 50% mortgage each month, I pay all the rest of the bills & remaining mortgage. I don't know who he calls, when or even how to get the information. I'm in the dark

.

• Pretty much most evenings after work, he will make a trip to the supermarket for groceries that we probably really don't need. It took me a long time to see this because it was so ordinary. It is usually 7-7.30pm each night. Have noticed recently it is now 8am ish too. He does come back with groceries but I wonder if this is when there are calls or texts happening.

• When he is away with work, he has at times been uncontactable and at others overly affectionate - so much so that when he is affectionate it is really uncomfortable because it has been so long since he was like that, it is really out of the ordinary. Last trip away was two days and he came home afterwards, slept in the bed, paid attention & affection - I questioned him on what happened and he said 'I just missed you'... but then within two days was back to being cold again.
  

 

I'm sitting here thinking 'wtf are you doing? You've wasted at least the last 5 years of your life on this, if not the majority of your marriage'.

 

But hey hit me with it in black and white. There is definitely an EA here isn't there...? If not a PA, the interest is definitely going elsewhere...? I'm devastated because (a) stupidly I did and do on some level still love him, I was committed to getting through crap because we're married and (b) I didn't want to be another divorce statistic. I wanted it to be okay. I'm not stupid I know it hasn't and wouldn't be plain sailing - but I can't get my head around the fact that he moved on; he really just does not love me anymore does he...? He at the moment, is calling black white and swears I'm paranoid and he is sick of saying 'no, there is no one else' despite my pretty much 5 years of asking!!

 

Yesterday I was in tears most of the day - pretty much broken hearted sobbing because I fell apart (the night before we had talked and I asked what happened and he said he didn't know - that's when it hit home it's over). So yesterday, he didn't even offer any comfort not even an 'I'm sorry'. Sat playing on his PC with his iPhone earbuds in. Says it all really huh..? I have no idea what happens next. No idea what to do. I am just broken at the moment.

[Chaparral]

What difference does it make what is going on? He doesn’t love or respect you. That isn’t going to change no matter what you do. F he is cheating that just makes it worse. He can’t even stand to be in the same bed with you. Using you for a receptacle is intentional. He wants to get off but make sure you don’t.

 

Move on.

Edited October 18, 2018 by Chaparral

[Chinook]

What difference does it make what is going on? He doesn’t love or respect you. That isn’t going to change no matter what you do. F he is cheating that just makes it worse. He can’t even stand to be in the same bed with you. Using you for a receptacle is intentional. He wants to get off but make sure you don’t.

 

Move on.

 

You're right of course. It doesn't matter whether he is or isn't sleeping with or emotionally investing in someone else... he isn't emotionally invested or sleeping with me. No matter what comes out of his mouth ("despite what you think, I do love you" being the latest platitude). I don't think I ever believed my Mother when she used to tell me as a kid, actions speak louder than words. Its very true. I'm beyond gutted. You would not believe the things I have given and sacrificed for this man/relationship... so yea moving on is the best thing. But can't help feel like it is more like being discarded. I really have little choice but to move on do I..?!

[BaileyB]

I'm sitting here thinking 'wtf are you doing? You've wasted at least the last 5 years of your life on this, if not the majority of your marriage'.

 

But hey hit me with it in black and white. There is definitely an EA here isn't there...? If not a PA, the interest is definitely going elsewhere...? I'm devastated because (a) stupidly I did and do on some level still love him, I was committed to getting through crap because we're married and (b) I didn't want to be another divorce statistic.

 

That is also what I'm sitting here thinking, as I read your post.

 

Not sure how you came to the conclusion that your husband is having an affair... But, it is quite clear that there is no love lost between you and your husband because someone who truly loves you would not treat you this way.

 

I know you are committed to making it work and you don't want to be a divorce statistic, but is that really worse than living a life in absolute misery? Really think about that - this is a miserable way to live, do you really think it is sustainable long term? If you don't have children, I would not bring them into this unhappy home.

[Chinook]

That is also what I'm sitting here thinking, as I read your post.

 

Not sure how you came to the conclusion that your husband is having an affair...

I guess it was the sudden change of lack of interest... which has been sustained over at least the last 5 years. Like I said, this guy worshipped the ground I walked on... but then he didn't/doesn't.

 

But, it is quite clear that there is no love lost between you and your husband <snip>

Actually, this isn't true. I've generally tried to hold things together, be the peacemaker and love him unconditionally - even with the flaws and with the baggage he came with...because that's what you do when you love someone.

 

because someone who truly loves you would not treat you this way.

Now that is the crux of the matter. I will hold my hands up and say yes, I have allowed this to get to this point. I acquiesced to his wants and needs, often putting him above myself. So you're right it is a miserable way to live and it is no way to continue.

 

I know you are committed to making it work and you don't want to be a divorce statistic, but is that really worse than living a life in absolute misery? Really think about that - this is a miserable way to live, do you really think it is sustainable long term? If you don't have children, I would not bring them into this unhappy home.

I'm probably in the throes of grieving the end of the relationship. My head knows this is a stupid commitment to try to keep to. My emotions are however finding it very difficult to reconcile that it's done. I guess that will take time.

 

We don't have children. I cannot have them due to a previous serious illness and subsequent treatment. We are both also 48, so that ship sailed a while ago even if I could have them. He has two children from a previous relationship and really wasn't bothered whether we had any or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

I didn't want to be another divorce statistic.

 

Let's look at what you've accepted towards this goal:

 

- horrible sex

- no emotional connection

- secrecy and manipulation

- lack of openness and transparency

- a cold, unsatisfying and loveless existence

 

Me, I'd rather be divorced but that's a personal choice. I agree with Bailey - this is going to blow up at some point soon anyway, so you're going to have to deal with these issues and make decisions about your life regardless.

 

Sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chinook]

Let's look at what you've accepted towards this goal:

 

- horrible sex

- no emotional connection

- secrecy and manipulation

- lack of openness and transparency

- a cold, unsatisfying and loveless existence

 

Me, I'd rather be divorced but that's a personal choice. I agree with Bailey - this is going to blow up at some point soon anyway, so you're going to have to deal with these issues and make decisions about your life regardless.

 

Sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you. I guess most of this is looking for answers - what did I do wrong? What happened? Why etc..? Its a normal part of the grieving process I guess. Like you say, come sooner or later the chips will fall where they fall.

[imsosad]

I find it a little surprising that you are so focused on cheating.

Seems to me like a side issue.

The problem is the way you're being treated in your marriage.

Loving someone does not permit them to hurt and disregard you. Love is not about losing self respect.

I get that you feel like you need answers as to what happened that made him turn on you. Having said that, it doesn't really matter.

You are still the same person, worthy of love and respect. So one guy out of billions n the universe stopped loving you. That doesn't undermine your entire being.

I don't want ti blame you for his poor behavior, but I think you're being so submissive, he lost all respect for you. Being someone's doormat usually doesn't make them love you back, it pushes them further away.

I think you're overthinking him. Think of yourself, get in to counselling, and focus on your self esteem. You need to love yourself more, and first.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you. I guess most of this is looking for answers - what did I do wrong?

 

Married the wrong person. Pretty easy to rectify in the day and age...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

It's quite clear that there is no love lost between you.

 

Actually, this isn't true. I've generally tried to hold things together, be the peacemaker and love him unconditionally - even with the flaws and with the baggage he came with...because that's what you do when you love someone.

 

Sure, but you are not the problem. So, you can't fix this.

 

You sounds like a lovely woman. You have been a good wife. You have given this man your heart, you have been supportive, kind, and understanding...

 

But, he hasn't returned the same. And that is the problem. You can not cause this marriage to succeed by "loving him more." For a marriage to work, it takes two committed, loving, giving partners... And, you are only one person.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved someday... Sadly, this guy isn't it. Not anymore.

[Chinook]

I find it a little surprising that you are so focused on cheating.

Because I know my H and how he focuses his emotional life. He is never devoid of feelings. His attention and care for me stopped because it is elsewhere. It's that simple. You're right it is a side issue, the main issue is that his love/care/attention for me, his wife stopped and I have tried for years to just go with it. Thinking most marriages have bad patches, most marriages have ups and downs, it's not impossible that it could have turned around at some point. But yes, five years is a long time to wait for someone to up their game.

 

Loving someone does not permit them to hurt and disregard you. Love is not about losing self respect. I get that you feel like you need answers as to what happened that made him turn on you. Having said that, it doesn't really matter.

I don't think my post gives a clear indication of who I am. If you have a moment, take a look at some of my back threads. I am far from a doormat. However, what I have been is committed and demanding of the same level of respect and commitment that I have exerted on behalf of my relationship. That is not coming despite asking for it. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking.... well, you were the pursuer, the one who did the chasing and asked me to marry you, why aren't you now putting in any effort...? I feel broken hearted - when I was thinking about your post reply yesterday, I was wondering why am I broken hearted and my answer will likely surprise you. I am not broken hearted at losing him. I have always known there were issues. No I am broken hearted because I allowed this to get this far on the high ideals of wanting to make it work. Sometimes, it just doesn't work because someone stops loving, stops caring and stops giving a sh*t and frankly, there is nothing I can do about that. So it hurts to know that the original care and love was probably actually either rebound effect from his previous marriage (I met him 10 months after they had split) or superficial at best... and it is hard to discern between the two.

 

You are still the same person, worthy of love and respect. So one guy out of billions in the universe stopped loving you. That doesn't undermine your entire being. I don't want to blame you for his poor behavior, but I think you're being so submissive, he lost all respect for you. Being someone's doormat usually doesn't make them love you back, it pushes them further away.

Like I said, I am far from a doormat and I am almost certain he would agree with that. Compromising on issues within the marriage (even sex) is not a bad thing and in a lot of cases is required from both sides. In fact, had I not compromised that too would have ended the marriage anyway, so rock and hard place. But you're right, it has now gone beyond compromise which is what it was initially. It is now the situation that I will not, cannot and should not, tolerate it, any of it, any longer. That's not being a doormat, that's saying - I've reached my limit pal and you're over it. I also know down the line that he will once he's by himself, reach out because he's lonely and he will say he hurts... because if you did read the other thread I linked to, we have been here before. He has form for bouncing like an elastic band. Unfortunately this time... sadly, by then I will be past it and will leave him in the dirt this time. That's not being a doormat, that's reaching the point of saying 'no, I have compromised enough already.. you didn't put the effort in when you had chance to do so'.

 

I think you're overthinking him. Think of yourself, get in to counselling, and focus on your self esteem. You need to love yourself more, and first.

I'm not over-thinking him - but probably over-thinking it/this. Prior to meeting him, I was in a perfectly good place. Believe it or not, I do love and respect myself - but I am not good with feeling like I have failed in anything let alone in this relationship. I have always been a high achiever and someone who excels at putting in effort. I can be accused of hanging in there way longer than I should have done in at least two high flying jobs. But you know what...? In recent years I got a clue early and moved on. For this, I am way behind in saying ' you know what, enough' but trust me, I am there and I will definitely never be here again in this situation. And... it is hard to come to terms with the fact that someone can love you one minute and then just switch it off and literally discard you the next. That's bloody cold and callous and it is that aspect of my H that I don't understand, cant get my head around. But I expect I am no different to hundreds of poor partners left in the dust of a failed relationship. What is even harder to understand is why you would act so cowardly and push that person away and still take up their time, letting them carry on trying to understand, trying to help, trying to hold things together … when you know you have no intention of ever putting any effort in...? Why would you not just say to that person, 'look I don't love you anymore, lets do the right thing'..? The reason for that is quite simple, he cannot and will not take responsibility and wants me to do it for him. It's cowardly and low. But then that's part of him showing me just who he is. So you're right, why would I want to stay...? and each day that goes by at this stage and each hurtful word or action, just hammers home, yep I am better off out of it. The night before last, he took his wedding ring and Claddagh off. Threw them at me saying they meant nothing. Yesterday he took his son out for dinner (fairly early as son is only 14) but I noted that the rings were back on the fingers - because he didn't want to have to explain it to his son. Papering over the cracks of what's happening so he doesn't have to have any difficult conversations with anyone. Unbelievable because I have no idea what he thinks he's going to do once he leaves.

 

FTR I am in counselling - not because my self esteem needs it but because my self-esteem is in danger of becoming fractured in the difficult days ahead because I know my H and I know how he thinks. He has said he wants to keep things amicable... but so far up to now he's just been mean and adversarial, so there will be no amicability down the line. Which isn't a bad thing because once he's gone, it makes it easier for me to just disengage. For myself, I know I put my energy and my love into this. I know I am a kind and generous person and I recognise too, that at times I have not always been a good wife - I have had my moments of frustration. But no one can level the accusation at me, least him that I have not tried. What irks me is this idea of 'my wife doesn't get it' or 'she doesn't understand me'. Yes, these are both true clichés right now because I don't get it and I don't understand him, so it does somehow make it my fault in his eyes and that is not fair because I did not do anything to earn or cause this.

 

The problem is, if I decide to do what he's doing and just sit back and wait because lets face it - why should I instigate things and allow him the luxury of taking the cowardly way out..? But if I did wait... we could be here until bloody Domes Day. It's sad but now looking back, I can see why his first wife left him and she had an EA with a guy she worked with. So you're right, it isn't me - he has history of behaving like this. Pity that he gaslighted me into believing she was a monster and actually the truth was somewhere in between and it was way too late before I recognised it.

[Chinook]

Sure, but you are not the problem. So, you can't fix this. You sounds like a lovely woman. You have been a good wife. You have given this man your heart, you have been supportive, kind, and understanding...

 

But, he hasn't returned the same. And that is the problem. You can not cause this marriage to succeed by "loving him more." For a marriage to work, it takes two committed, loving, giving partners... And, you are only one person.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved someday... Sadly, this guy isn't it. Not anymore.

 

Thanks Bailey. Yes, each day that passes, I am coming to the realisation that this is not retrievable or going to get better and actually I'm in the place now of thinking, 'well, f* it why would I want it to, only to crash and burn again?'

 

As for the future, I'm not sure I want to be loved anymore by anyone. I was in a perfectly good place of loving, caring and providing for myself before this relationship and I would be much happier back in that place, without the drama of another relationship (including all the highs and lows). It's not that I'm burned or wary - I'm not. Sure it will take it's toll but I am a good person and understand people should be judged on their own merits. But really, I just don't have the energy to do this all again. It's hard going - even the good bits take effort and well, I just can't be @rsed anymore

[Chaparral]

You deserve better but you are the one responsible for moving forward. The sooner you do the quicker you will have a normal happy life.

 

Look up the 180 and stick to it religiously. You will be shocked how well it works .

[Chinook]

You deserve better but you are the one responsible for moving forward. The sooner you do the quicker you will have a normal happy life.

 

Look up the 180 and stick to it religiously. You will be shocked how well it works .

You’re right & I’ve been thinking about that a lot today. I’d never heard of the 180 but I’ve looked it up & it makes sense. I’ve already tried to implement my own version of limited contact - difficult when you’re in the same house. I’m going to focus on walking my dogs, going to the gym, catching up with old friends etc. Thanks again Chaparral.

[Corazon de Leon]

Dear Chinook

 

I really feel for you. I understand, with empathy, every word you wrote. Your description of that "marriage" is almost identical to the horror filled long "m" that I'm so relieved is totally dead for me now. There were many criminal acts involved in our cases as well.

 

I'm free thankyou God! But only after MANY years of untangling the evil webs of deceit he wove.

 

Hindsight provides near perfect 20/20 vision. After years of counselling and courts. Many years of reading about personality disorders.

 

Please go back to your original post. POINT 5 is the crux of the relationship for that H. You owned property and he didn't. He only came back to manipulate you into selling your property so he could legally, albeit not MORALLY, get his name onto property.

 

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He was very nice to you UNTIL that abovementioned financial goal was attained. Then You experienced a mini discard with his quick change to coldness again.

 

This is nothing about emotions for him except for how he can manipulate yours.

 

The proof is in him religiously depositing 50% of the mortgage. He's fully aware of what he must do legally to take 50%.

 

Another strong point for a virtual exact financial copy of my cases is that that H is extremely secretive. He is not transparent about his finances or anything else. He is mind-f***ing you, gaslighting you, psychologically abusing you, sexually abusing you at minimum. I'm sure his arguments are circular and make no sense at all.

 

This is abuse. There are 7 forms of domestic violence. Please research these.

 

I hope you're in a country that considers YOUR initial financial contribution!

FOCUS ON THIS in your upcoming legal case.

 

In some countries or states, if the marriage is over 10 years then he gets 50% of the property and your 401K and any financial investments of yours regardless of contributions.

 

He's merely waiting. Waiting for that time. Waiting for you to pass and then he gets the lot.

 

Find out your legal rights in divorce like YESTERDAY!

DO NOT TELL HIM.

Get your ducks in a row as fast as humanly possible.

Hide money if you're game. I absolutely would.

Gather as much paperwork together as possible and keep it in a secure place off site ie in a locked filing cabinet somewhere.

You'll need your marriage certificates. All financial documents.

Find Valuations ie sale price of your previous property and everything you had financially when you married.

 

You need to take him by surprise. He's ready already anyhow.

If you act before the magic year there then you'll receive a larger portion of the assets.

 

If you live in a fault divorce state then find evidence of his activities ie hire a PI. He may be using prostitutes or gambling or keeping another family or OW or OM. Whatever the dirt, get it, WITH EVIDENCE by way of reports, photos etc.

 

If you do all the legwork ie printing copies of all this and knowing your rights then you'll save alot of money.

 

When you instigate the 180 he will switch to nice again if you both still live in the same house.

Remain detached but be nice back if you can stand it.

 

Forget love in this case.

It was never about love for H.

It's all about control and then the final discard.

 

I'm praying for you.

 

Corazon de Leon

[Chinook]

Dear Chinook

 

I really feel for you. I understand, with empathy, every word you wrote. Your description of that "marriage" is almost identical to the horror filled long "m" that I'm so relieved is totally dead for me now. There were many criminal acts involved in our cases as well.

 

I'm free thankyou God! But only after MANY years of untangling the evil webs of deceit he wove.

 

Hindsight provides near perfect 20/20 vision. After years of counselling and courts. Many years of reading about personality disorders.

 

Please go back to your original post. POINT 5 is the crux of the relationship for that H. You owned property and he didn't. He only came back to manipulate you into selling your property so he could legally, albeit not MORALLY, get his name onto property.

 

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He was very nice to you UNTIL that abovementioned financial goal was attained. Then You experienced a mini discard with his quick change to coldness again.

 

This is nothing about emotions for him except for how he can manipulate yours.

 

The proof is in him religiously depositing 50% of the mortgage. He's fully aware of what he must do legally to take 50%.

 

Another strong point for a virtual exact financial copy of my cases is that that H is extremely secretive. He is not transparent about his finances or anything else. He is mind-f***ing you, gaslighting you, psychologically abusing you, sexually abusing you at minimum. I'm sure his arguments are circular and make no sense at all.

 

This is abuse. There are 7 forms of domestic violence. Please research these.

 

I hope you're in a country that considers YOUR initial financial contribution!

FOCUS ON THIS in your upcoming legal case.

 

In some countries or states, if the marriage is over 10 years then he gets 50% of the property and your 401K and any financial investments of yours regardless of contributions.

 

He's merely waiting. Waiting for that time. Waiting for you to pass and then he gets the lot.

 

Find out your legal rights in divorce like YESTERDAY!

DO NOT TELL HIM.

Get your ducks in a row as fast as humanly possible.

Hide money if you're game. I absolutely would.

Gather as much paperwork together as possible and keep it in a secure place off site ie in a locked filing cabinet somewhere.

You'll need your marriage certificates. All financial documents.

Find Valuations ie sale price of your previous property and everything you had financially when you married.

 

You need to take him by surprise. He's ready already anyhow.

If you act before the magic year there then you'll receive a larger portion of the assets.

 

If you live in a fault divorce state then find evidence of his activities ie hire a PI. He may be using prostitutes or gambling or keeping another family or OW or OM. Whatever the dirt, get it, WITH EVIDENCE by way of reports, photos etc.

 

If you do all the legwork ie printing copies of all this and knowing your rights then you'll save alot of money.

 

When you instigate the 180 he will switch to nice again if you both still live in the same house.

Remain detached but be nice back if you can stand it.

 

Forget love in this case.

It was never about love for H.

It's all about control and then the final discard.

 

I'm praying for you.

 

Corazon de Leon

 

I just don’t know what to say about your post. So much of it feels familiar & I’m sorry for what happened to you.

 

I’m not in the USA. I’ve seen a lawyer today & unfortunately although what capital I put into the property purchase will be considered by a court, I won’t automatically get like for like in return.

 

Also under UK law my two dogs are treated like property - he bought one & I bought the other, so a court could in theory order me to sell my home, split the assets in his favour and split my bonded brother/sister dogs up... yes they’re only dogs but they are also living breathing beings & I think he’d do it just to be mean. It will upset the younger dog in particular because she has only ever known her brother take care of her when I’m not around (they’re different litters but same parents). I’m hoping he won’t be arsed with either of them. After all if he couldn’t be arsed fighting custody for his own children for access to them, I’m thinking (hoping) I probably don’t have anything to worry about dog wise!

 

Over the weekend I saw an old school friend whose partner said he saw my H walking away from work early in the morning towards a hotel about 18 months ago. Nothing more than that but odd nonetheless. They didn’t mention it at the time in case it caused trouble. It is odd but he will say he was getting his exercise steps in or bird watching or train spotting or whatever other convenient lie comes to mind. The hotel bar opens to the public at 7am for breakfast - they have a subsidised restaurant on site at work, so no need to eat out. Interesting but means nothing in the grand scheme of things. This whole thing is f*d two ways to Sunday & back.

[Chinook]

It's been nearly 3 weeks since I did an update. I can't recall whether I mentioned it in replies and can't read back because I don't have the mental energy, but H left on 26th October. He left with the parting words of 'I'm going to the parents, and if they offer a bed, I'm not coming back'. At the time it felt like he was doing it for effect because he didn't take anything with him and has only collected minimal things since. It's almost like he's away on holiday.

 

That said, since then I have seen a counsellor for grief/relationship breakdown therapy. She was very good and hopefully I will see her at the end of this week. So having thought long and hard about the situation and where the relationship is, I decided to quit procrastinating and wanting him to take the responsibility for ending things and I told him it was over. I didn't want him to come back and he was to get (real) estate agents involved and put the house up for sale. The for sale sign goes up tomorrow. I still have to speak to him most days to straighten out legalities and official documentation but my plan is once the house is sold to initiate no contact - completely and absolutely and cut him out of my life and move forwards. I should in theory re-gain my capital interest in the house which will be enough to move forward for now.

 

Right now I am in the early stages of grief. He has been mean (as I knew he would be) and has told me to 'put your big girl knickers on' and sort out re-homing my two beloved dogs if I cannot find rental accommodation which will take all three of us. This grieving feels so much worse than it has previously. I have a dull ache in my chest which feels like it's choking me (no it isn't actually chest pain, it's that heart broken ache). I just want it to go away but I know it's a process and my crying isn't done yet. I have seen my Dr who was kind enough to sign me sick from work and has given me sleeping medication. I took a couple nights running which worked. But I didn't take it last night as I'm worried about fogging or clouding the process of grieving. I don't want this to bite me on the arse in a few years time. Needless to say it was 5am with lots of tears before I slept this morning. I am broken and worn out. But I'm me and I have a future. I just have to keep breathing. Everything else will fall where it will now