Has anyone ever thought about their affair partner's wife/husband afterward?

[TheRainbow]

Brief Recap for those who are not familiar with my story.

 

I was in a three-year affair with my former boss which ended when my husband found out and he was transferred to another department. The affair started up again while my husband and I were trying for another baby. All contact finally ceased shortly after I found out my then four-month-old daughter wasn't my husbands and my former boss's true intentions came to light. It was around this time I found out he was married with two kids.

 

I feel terrible for how I treated my husband, and the fact he is even still talking to me is more than I really do deserve. But I think about the other man's wife. I never knew she existed. I never stalked him on social media. I just assumed he was a typical player and not in a committed marriage. But now that all comes to light, my actions were a part of the destruction of her marriage. My actions led to my husband to get both the other man and me fired, and I don't blame my husband for that. He was in his right to want revenge. But it was my actions that now left the other man's wife and two sons, both innocent in all this scrambling financially.

 

It's been five months, and I've been thinking about how she has been doing. I want to reach out to her and apologize, but I won't. The last thing she would want is to hear from the woman who had a part at the end of her marriage. It might even add more salt to the wound that I'm still with my husband.

[niteandfog]

I used to... I'll always remember how she would.post things like "having dinner with my man" when she was semi in denial of what was really happening. Almost a year later and after talking to her I think she's in a better place and even though I still feel kind of bad knowing that everybody is happy/er makes me realise that maybe the method was certainly not the best, but ultimately were all in a happier place than we were say 15 months ago.

[BaileyB]

It's been five months, and I've been thinking about how she has been doing. I want to reach out to her and apologize, but I won't. The last thing she would want is to hear from the woman who had a part at the end of her marriage. It might even add more salt to the wound that I'm still with my husband.

 

Although I appreciate the fact that you may be developing some empathy and remorse, I would respectfully suggest that your attention should be focused on reconciling with your husband. Anything that distracts you or takes energy away from your marriage is not a good idea...

[TheRainbow]

I used to... I'll always remember how she would.post things like "having dinner with my man" when she was semi in denial of what was really happening. Almost a year later and after talking to her I think she's in a better place and even though I still feel kind of bad knowing that everybody is happy/er makes me realise that maybe the method was certainly not the best, but ultimately were all in a happier place than we were say 15 months ago.

 

I just hear from mutual friends the other man and I had, that his wife is not doing well. That they are divorcing, had to sell their home and the wife and her two sons are living in a rental because the other man was the breadwinner. I just feel so so so guilty.

[TheRainbow]

Although I appreciate the fact that you may be developing some empathy and remorse, I would respectfully suggest that your attention should be focused on reconciling with your husband. Anything that distracts you or takes energy away from your marriage is not a good idea...

 

I know. The last couple days despite a great weekend, have been strained. I'm just having a moment and expressing it on here versus acting on impulse. Reconciling is still my priority.

[carhill]

Yes, I thought enough about him to address a nice manila envelope with all his wife's cards and love letters and sent them to him. Eight years worth. Said goodbye to her in person on her birthday, sent the package the next day. They left on a cruise a couple days later. That was the conclusion to my thought processes. They were dead to me after. The rest was the usual grief process post-death. Took awhile.

 

Every time I think of giving anyone the BOTD, I remember that time decades ago and go, naw, pass. Good life lessons from tangling with a pro. A pro? Yeah, she was banging her boss, diddling with me and a couple other guys and getting pregnant again from her H. Smooth operator. Opened my eyes to what women could really be. Where is she now? Living out her senior years with a MM she exit-affaired with after a 20 year M. I went to school with his brother so know the family. Well to do Italian farming family. She got her prize. The rest of us were just pawns along the way.

 

Not saying you're like that but that's what's out there. Good luck in your recovery!

[pepperbird]

I just hear from mutual friends the other man and I had, that his wife is not doing well. That they are divorcing, had to sell their home and the wife and her two sons are living in a rental because the other man was the breadwinner. I just feel so so so guilty.

 

 

Take that guilt as a positive sign that you have a conscience and empathy. Not everyone does.

 

 

I agree that contacting her right now may not be a good idea. It sounds like she has enough other plate.

[SouthernIslander]

Honestly think about if you would have had that affair knowing he was married with kids. If the answer is yes, then the guilt is justified. But if the answer is truly no, then the hurt the affair had on his wife isn’t on you because you didn’t know.

 

As a wife, she may appreciate an apology but she may look at it like a slap in the face. I don’t think now is the best time to contact her. Maybe further down the line.

 

And I agree guilt for how it affected her is good. It shows remorse and increases the chances that you’ll learn from this and don’t make the same mistake again.

[Lotus_Luna]

All the time.

 

She doesn’t know about us.

 

She chases him and he chases me.

 

I am well aware of what I have done.

 

But I don’t carry all the guilt, he made his choices too.

 

I made it clear many times that there would be consequences to our actions.

 

I don’t feel a need to apologize or justify myself to her.

 

That is his place.

[jah526]

I do, sometimes. Thing is, this MM is a hot guy. Charismatic, handsome, loves women, loves sex. He’s a playboy. You marry someone like that and you either accept the likelihood he’s not going to be faithful or spend your life being marriage police. I personally believe she’s the type to let him wander, not too far, but enough, and not ask too many questions. She’s reaping some benefits. He is the sole provider for her and their kids. So it could be they have some kind of unspoken arrangement. Not the way I’d choose to live, but to each his/her own.

[TheRainbow]

The thing is I didn't particularly like the other man. I felt forced, belittled and was left feeling like a used piece of ****. My husband didn't deserve this treatment and the other man's wife didn't deserve this treatment. It makes me feel like the biggest piece of ****.

[MuddyFootprints]

Which other man are you focussed on right now?

 

You were a serial cheater. Now you're a victim.

 

The betrayed spouse(s) want nothing to do with your drama or your healing.

 

***

 

Yes, I often think of the damage I contributed to our marriages. I was awful. We both engaged in demonizing our spouses.

 

None of it was true.

[TheRainbow]

Which other man are you focussed on right now?

 

Obviously, the one I had a baby with. It is clear by my first post. He is by far the biggest mistake of my life.

[pepperbird]

op,

 

 

it's good that you are expressing empathy. there are a lot of people out there who aren't capable of seeing anything beyond their own selfish needs.

 

 

I know this might sound kind of weird, but have you considered talking to your husband about how bad you feel about hurting your om wife? I can't speak for him, but in his shoes, odd as it might sound, it would be a sign to me hat you were starting to realize the full impact of your choices and wanting to make amends.

 

If you feel like you really need to apologize to her, write it all out and then hold on to the letter for a little while. Give it some more thought, and decide what you want to do.

[elaine567]

Is it not all a bit inappropriate to be contacting the BS?

Sorry for screwing up your life, your marriage and for my husband ruining your family financially, and for your husband being the father of my child too, sorry for that, sorry...

 

 

Yeah, she will just love that...

Keep well away if you value your life.

[TheRainbow]

Is it not all a bit inappropriate to be contacting the BS?

Sorry for screwing up your life, your marriage and for my husband ruining your family financially, and for your husband being the father of my child too, sorry for that, sorry...

 

 

Yeah, she will just love that...

Keep well away if you value your life.

 

I won't. I was just expressing my feelings. If she ever reaches out to me I'll be honest and apologize then and only then. I really do have it good. I still have a husband who still wants me. Why I still don't know.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's been five months, and I've been thinking about how she has been doing. I want to reach out to her and apologize, but I won't.

 

Like the affair, were you to do this it would be all about you. You have nothing to offer her current situation and any contact would serve only to assuage your guilt.

 

Glad you're not going through with it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Daisy2013]

Only that I thought how lucky she is (meaning, I lost) that he chose to stay. After all of the negative things he said and how miserable he was, he stayed bc he hates confrontation and conflict. To this day, he is unhappy. But he says there is more to look forward to in eternity and this life doesn't matter. So, I think she must be an amazing woman despite what he says bc he stayed. And despite what I have seen and know to be true, he wasn't lying to me.

[veryhappy]

What do you mean when you say you felt forced and you didn't really like him? Do you think you would have had the affair if he hadn't been your boss at the time?

[misspalmy]

I dont even like his wife lol