How do I move on from this? How can I just let her go?

[Amaris]

Hey there. I am not a native English speaker, so I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistake.

 

I'm a young boy of 21 years old and I was born in a Muslim family. I've always been taught that dating a girl was forbidden and I wasn't allowed to talk to girls outside of school. The only ones I had a friendly relationship with were my cousins (2nd and 3rd degree). Five years ago, I fell in love with my 3rd-degree cousin from London. At the time she shared the same feelings and we both agreed to keep this a secret, as we would both face huge consequences if it was to ever come out. We also agreed to take this in a "religious way", namely, we wouldn't kiss or have sex, etc. We just loved each other and enjoyed talking and spending time together.

 

Last year, she broke up with me, telling me she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and hoping we could remain friends. Though I did accept this at first, staying friends was too hard for me. I would constantly blame myself for not being good enough for her which would cause me to have anxiety attacks and to throw up quite often. When she turned 18, I wished her a happy birthday (as I knew how important this day was for her) and told myself I would not contact her again, at least not until I was fully healed. She replied "Thank you", but I remember not reading her message (she knew I did not, as I sent it on WhatsApp, and you can check that).

 

She tried contacting a month later, sending me "Hey! What goes up and never goes down ?". I deemed her question to be unimportant and, since I didn't want to suffer, I decided not to answer. After that, we didn't speak for a little more than a year. Still, I felt guilty for "ignoring" her so I sent her a message to apologize for my behavior, explaining to her that the break-up has been really hard for me to deal with and that I was sorry. She said that now that I've explained, she totally understands why I did that and hoped we could remain, friends, as our families are close.

 

Being friends was not an option for me, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior. I then told her that I was there for her if she needed me, but I would not ask her for some news, or start talking about my life, etc. I also wished her an incredible life. I did not receive an answer to my message.

 

My ex and my sister used to be BFFs. They used to tell each other everything. My sister knew about both of us, as well as a couple of things I was not aware of. About a month ago, she came to me and told me that my ex was flirting with someone else back in 2014 and that she thought I was already aware back then that everything between us was over. I couldn't believe it, so I decided to ask my ex about it. I asked whether all I was told about her was true and, if it was, I wanted her to explain to me how she could do this to me. She replied telling me she did none of those things, that she never meant to be hurtful, that she tried dealing with this situation as maturely as she could, and that she did not appreciate having to justify herself for something I was told by others. I felt guilty because I was accusing her of some terrible things and also because I felt like I jumped the gun in my message. I told her I was sorry, that I never deserved her and that I would stop bothering her from now on. I didn't receive an answer to my apology (though I wasn't really expecting one this time).

 

Last week, I scavenged the memory of my sister's old phone (I'm not proud of it) and I came across all the conversations my ex and my sis had from 2014 to 2016. In those, my clearly talks about being in love with another guy (back in 2014) and about thinking that it will never work between us. (So, I have proof of everything I was told). In those messages, she actually asked my sister to tell me that she did not want a relationship with me anymore, but she hoped we could remain friends.

 

So here... I know everything now. She broke up with me back in 2014 through my sister and acted like nothing happened, as if we were still friends (and then she fell in love with some other guy and dated him). Obviously, given the fact that I didn't kiss her nor had sex with her, I did not notice that she was not in love with me anymore. To me, we talked the same way we always did. Once she noticed I didn't know, she finally told me.

 

Every time I think about this, I can feel my heart racing really fast. Sometimes, I get so anxious about the situation that I actually throw up or start having hyperventilation. I don't know what to think. On the one hand, I do not understand why the girl I thought to be the "one" would break up with me through someone else. Secondly, I hate myself for behaving very badly after the breakup (I mean... I ignored her, then apologized, then told her I couldn't be friends, and finally accused her of some terrible things). I feel like I've given her every reason to believe she's made the right call. I try to be as polite, nice and mature I can, but I think I failed miserably when it came to her and I hate myself for that.

 

Another thing that really gets me anxious is that this whole thing was a secret. Obviously, given the fact that I had anxiety attacks and that felt extremely depressed after the breakup, I know I needed support. Yet, I decided not to tell anyone about it (not even my best friends). It would have

definitely been better for me to reach out to other people, but I was (and still am) so afraid of this story getting out, as I know she'll get into a lot of trouble (her parents are really really strict) and I'll never forgive myself if she gets hurt because of this. Also, I've always had a good relationship with her family (I mean, they are my family too) and I feel like a hypocrite in front of them. If they knew what happened, they wouldn't have the same respect and love that they have for me today.

 

I really don't know what to do or what to think about the situation. I'm trying my best to move on, but I've tried everything I could find on the Internet (like doing sports, getting out, doing new things, ...) but nothing seemed to truly work. I'm posting this to get some support and advice on how I can stop thinking about her, how I can stop feeling guilty for behaving so badly after the breakup (I'm sure she's extremely mad at me) and how I can just forget about this and concentrate on the present moment.

 

Thanks for your help.

Edited October 18, 2018 by Skyris

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. She just moved on. Sounds like she was the only girl you kind of dated. Difficult that you had to be secret. Can you start dating other women now? Or do your parents decide who you marry? She had her eye on someone else. She cared about you as a person and probably always will, but she saw the hopelessness of the situation. It's normal to fall for a person when you're young and then lose interest, and then fall for another person. And that is what you must do. If you are free to date who you wish, please start going out to meet people and date. If you are not, then I'm afraid you alone can decide whether to let your parents run your life or whatever the customs are, whether you follow them or not. Anyway, this will pass in time.

 

I know it's awkward because you still have to see her parents and probably her too. This is why it's really not a good idea to get involved with family or people who are close friends of your family. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

t's normal to fall for a person when you're young and then lose interest, and then fall for another person.

 

Yes, I agree.

 

She knew you two could likely never really be together, she couldn't really date you in the meantime, and she was very young. These factors together understandably pushed her in another direction.

 

All you can do is let bygones be bygones, and realize that you have your whole life ahead of you. I understand the discovery was painful, but these are also events from 4 years ago. It's time to truly let go so you can live a healthier and happier life.

[Amaris]

No it didn't happen 4 years ago. As I said, when she broke up with me through my sister 4 years ago, I didn't believe my sister and had no doubts whatsoever. To me, the relationship was still going on. Now, my ex realized 3 years later that I didn't know, so she told me again (or more correctly, she told me herself for the first time) last year. That's what hurts me the most. How can she expect us to be friends after doing smth like that?

[ExpatInItaly]

No it didn't happen 4 years ago. As I said, when she broke up with me through my sister 4 years ago, I didn't believe my sister and had no doubts whatsoever. To me, the relationship was still going on. Now, my ex realized 3 years later that I didn't know, so she told me again (or more correctly, she told me herself for the first time) last year. That's what hurts me the most. How can she expect us to be friends after doing smth like that?

 

I still don't understand the timeline.

 

You discovered the truth years later, yes, but how did this all not happen 4 years ago if she broke with you 4 years ago?

 

I don't think she truly expects to be friends with you. She is trying to be nice but I doubt she's looking for genuine friendship beyond what would be required when your families are around each other.

[Amaris]

Apparently, my way of explaining was not clear enough, so let me tell you one more time. We fell in love in 2013 and started a long distance relationship. In 2014, she realized it would not work between us. She asked my sister to break up with me for her and hoped both of us could remain friends. When my sis did tell me, I remember not believing her and not having a doubt whatsoever (I mean... Who breaks up with someone through someone else? I was convinced she'd never do that, yet... I was wrong). From there (still 2014) she acted like a close friend with me. I obviously didn't know the relationship was over (again, we didn't have sex, we didn't kiss and when we'd meet, since there was everyone around us, we didn't "cuddle"... All we did was talking the way we used to back in 2013, i.e we'd tell each other's secret, ask for news on a weekly basis etc.) During this time, she fell in love with someone else and dated him. In 2017, the night she "officially" broke up with me, I told her smth like "Oh, I have big plans for us in the future". She looked at me weirdly and asked me what my sister told me about her, smth that would make me upset. Honestly, what my sis told me in 2014 didn't come to my mind at thos very moment. I told her my sis didn't tell me anything. That's when she told me that she does not have the same feelings she used to have. That's why I am so hurt. How do I know all of this? Because I scavanged the memory of my sister's phone to recover all their conversations between 2014-2016. In those, my ex asked my sis to break up with me and told her she was in love with a guy named Jacob.

 

I don't know what kimd of friendship she was expecting. Even after "officially" breaking up with me, she'd send me casual messages. At first I agreed to answer, but it was hurting me too much (everytime she said something, I would feel nauseous or I would have hyperventilation).

Edited October 19, 2018 by Skyris

[ExpatInItaly]

In 2014, she realized it would not work between us. She asked my sister to break up with me for her and hoped both of us could remain friends. When my sis did tell me, I remember not believing her

Why did you not believe her?

 

I obviously didn't know the relationship was over (again, we didn't have sex, we didn't kiss and when we'd meet, since there was everyone around us, we didn't "cuddle"... All we did was talking the way we used to back in 2013, i.e we'd tell each other's secret, ask for news on a weekly basis etc.)

But it was. She didn't know that you thought she was still your girlfriend.

 

Yes, it's silly to break up though a third party, but it also sounds like she was still a teen then. It wasn't a mature relationship, because neither of you had matured yet. It wasn't even really anything more than a friendship.

 

It hurts, but this has been over for a long time. You only just finally realized that last year.

[SunnyWeather]

we both agreed to keep this a secret, as we would both face huge consequences if

"

 

she was the one brave enough to stop it; you both knew it was inappropriate, that there was no future. so, what exactly is the problem here?

 

time to find someone more suitable to partner up with.

 

good luck

[Amaris]

For her, maybe there was no future, but not for me. Yes, it was inappropriate, but we both thought that if we could make this right, it would not be a problem. I wouldn't call her brave, far from it. I mean, when she broke up with me, she did it through a third party and the night she "officially" told me, she was like "Oh you know, when growing, some people change the way they viewed other people... Do you understand what I'm saying? " I actually had to insist before she finally told me that "I don't have the same feelings I used to have". Now, she didn't tell me that she broke up with me long before, she did not tell me that during that time she flirted with other guys, and I feel like the only reason for her to want to remain friends is because she was afraid that things might be awkward between us, which would lead people (family members) to ask questions and finally find out about what happened. We both know that she will face much more consequences than me because her parents are way more strict than mine. Clearly, given the panic attacks, the throwing up, the days I'd spend staring into nothingness while crying, I needed support and I needed to reach out. I decided not to, as I would never forgive myself if she was told off or harmed because of me or because of what happened between us. I actually told her that, but she didn't care enough to answer.

 

The way I see it, she was only afraid of her parents finding things out. Once I told her I would never ever tell anything to anyone, she was relieved and now she doesn't care about me. I mean... When I confronted her and asked her whether she broke up with me years before actually telling me herself, she, very cleverly, told me "I didn't lead you on and did not cheat on you. I tried reacting to this situation maturely and, apologies, but no matter what I tell you now, the lies will keep filling your head. I took some time to assess things on my own and realized that this isn't something I wanted to jump into. Whilst I might understand why you're reacting the way you do, I do not appreciate having to justify myself for something you were told by others" (as a reminder, she's not aware I'm in possession of her conversations between her and my sis). You call her brave, then explain me this... Why is she so afraid of telling me the truth ? Why didn't just tell me all that back in 2014 herself? Why is she hiding from it now? I feel like she does not want to have anything to do with me. Is this really fair ?

[Amaris]

Why didn't I believe my sister? I don't have the best of relationship with my sister and, without wanting to throw dirt on her, she is quite a huge liar. I know she was against us from the beginning and I assumed this was just her way of breaking us apart. Combined with the fact that I was convinced my ex would not break up with me through someone else, there was no place for hesitation for me.

 

It hurts really bad because, as you said, I just learned a couple of weeks ago that the relationship I thought lasted 4 years actually lasted less than a year. I suffered so much from the breakup (namely because I'd put all the blame on myself (i.e You're too ugly, you're too shy, she deserves better than you, ...). If she told me that years before or even if she had admitted to me that she made a mistake not telling me that herself years ago, I definitely would not have reacted this badly, as I would not have thought that I lost the "one". I mean... Again, without wanting to act like a victim (but this truly happened), I had panic attacks, I would throw up and would spend days crying whenever the thought of her would come to mind. Now, I learn this... Clearly, I needed support and I needed to reach out to people because I was (and still am) depressed. I decided not to because I'd never forgive myself if she was told off or harmed because of me. I did not tell anyone about anything, not even my closest friends.

[Amaris]

Can I date other people? I don't know if I am capable, namely, I don't if I'll ever fall in love like this again. This girl, my ex, and I fell in love and it kind of happened without any particular reason. It was like something that came out of the blue. I highly doubt this is going to happen again.

[ExpatInItaly]

How much time did you spend with her in person?

[Amaris]

What you're trying to tell me is that I'm not allowed to suffer from the situation under the pretext that, for her, things were over years ago?

 

I know that's not what she wanted, but I feel played. It hurts really bad, especially when it comes from someone you deemed as absolutely perfect.

[Amaris]

If you put it all together, perhaps a year, maybe even less. Does it even matter? Do you really think my reaction is over-exaggeration? The way I see what you're telling me is that, whilst you understand she reacted with immaturity not telling me the truth herself years ago, I should not react this way. Do you seriously believe I have no right to be angry or to be hurt ?

Edited October 21, 2018 by Skyris

[ExpatInItaly]

You have the right to feel however you want, OP. Your feelings are your feelings.

 

Do I think you could stand to gain some healthy perspective on this? Yes, of course.

[Amaris]

You're right, apologies. You're just trying to help me, I know. What do you think I should do now? How can just let all the anxiety go away? In some ways, I can't seem to able to forgive myself for badly after the breakup (I mean... I stopped talking to her, then apologized, then told her I couldn't be her friend, and then asked her whether she played me and whether she cheated on me). I regret doing those things, and it's messing me up pretty bad. I've apologized to her. I know there's nothing else I can do, but I've not been able to find some inner peace

Edited October 21, 2018 by Skyris

[preraph]

I think you didn't want to believe it, because if you wanted to know the truth you'd have gone straight from being told you were broken up by the sister to contacting the girl and telling her, My sister said you had broken up with me. Is that true?" You didn't want to know. You ignored it hoping it would go away, and just because she remained civil and kind to you, you hoped it went away. It didn't.

 

There's not a thing you should do now except move on with your life. She isn't interested anymore and hasn't been for a few years now. Sorry. There's a billion women on the planet.

[ExpatInItaly]

You let it go by realizing that she was your first real relationship experience (I assume, anyway), which are almost never the great loves of our lives. You placed her on a pedestal because you haven't had any other experience to compare this to, and seemed to have pinned your hopes on something that you already knew could never amount to anything more. The dream was exciting but it wasn't the reality, for all the practical reasons you're already outlined.

 

She isn't absolutely perfect. Nobody is. I get you were enamoured with her, but when you're ready to venture back out in to the dating world, you will see that this wasn't the best and most mature relationship you were ever going to have. For her, this has been over for 4 years. I suspect you knew that even when your sister told you she wanted to break up, but you didn't verify with her yourself because you were afraid of being hurt when she confirmed it.

 

Give yourself time and space and don't have any contact with her beyond what might be required for family reasons.

[Amaris]

You're right, this was my first experience. I'm written down your advice. Thank you very much.

[Amaris]

I will do my best to forget this. Thank you for your answer.

[Amaris]

I have a question though. Why can't she admit she already broke up with me years ago? I mean, when I confronted her she said "No matter what I tell you now, the lies will keep filling your head. I've took some time to figure things out and realized that this was not something I wanted to jump into." I had to go through my sister's old phone to get to the bottom of the truth. I mean... What she did wasn't so bad. It was immature, definitely, but lying about it today that's bad. She could have avoided me a lot of pain.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a question though. Why can't she admit she already broke up with me years ago? I mean, when I confronted her she said "No matter what I tell you now, the lies will keep filling your head. I've took some time to figure things out and realized that this was not something I wanted to jump into."

 

Which lies is she referring to?

[Amaris]

After my ex told me she doesn't have the same feelings she used to (that's in 2017), my sister told me "You know, it's been a while now since she's told she's no longer interested in you. She's been flirting with her cousin from her father's side back in 2014."

 

I didn't believe a word of it, so I confronted my ex "I was told some very ugly things about you, but I didn't believe anything as the person I was described is far from the Amy I've known and fallen for, which is why I must ask. Is it true that, years before telling me, you knew it would never work between us but you decided to wait before telling me? And that during that time, you flirted with some other guy? If all this is correct, I need to ask you some more questions. How could you do this to me? Were you ever planning on telling me this (or were you just hoping that I never find this out)? Is it because you didn't want your stay and your internship in Geneva to be awkward with me around that you decided to wait? All this would be some ultimate form of disrespect, and I simply can't believe you'd do something like this. I'm just asking for the truth, so please even if you must hurt me, no lies"

 

I'm assuming that when she said "the lies will keep filling your head", she was referring to her next sentence. She said "I've taken SOME TIME and realized this was not something I wanted to jump into" (I mean why would she give me an explanation like this right after telling me "Oh, the lies will keep filling your head"). Obviously, at first glance, I thought what my sister told me were lies and I felt guilty for accusing her and asking her those questions. I thought she genuinely loved me till the moment she decided to break up. It's after I had proof that I realized it was not true. I assume that if she told me the truth, namely if she told me in her message that she already broke up with me through a third party back in 2014, she thought that I would either not believe her or call her a player and a dishonest cheater.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP.

 

The history between you two is so full of uncertainty and miscommunications that I think you need to work on just letting it all go.

 

You probably will never really get the answers you are seeking from her. It's frustrating, of course, but tormenting yourself with the "why's" is ultimately not going to bring you any healing or happiness. She turned out to be someone different than you expected, and it's an unfortunate fact of dating and relationships that we sometimes get hurt. The person who hurt us can't always explain why, either.

 

I would focus your energy on your own healing now, and stop communicating with her.