Jane1212 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 (edited) Me and my husband have been together for 7 years, married for 6, no children. He is a great husband and loves very much, but I have a few concerns about our marriage. We have a big age difference (over 25 years) and I got married very very young (I was 20). When we got married I just moved to this country and I felt so alone that when I met him a immediately got attached to him. He helped me to build my life here, learn language, go through college etc. I was happy with him until I got a little older and started to look at things differently. One big problem we have now is that I’m not ready to have a child yet but he can’t wait much longer due to his age. We are at the point where we either have kids now or don’t have them at all. I totally understand his situation he wants to see his children to graduate college, get married etc, he doesn’t want to be too old (or dead) by the time our children in their 20s. But at the same time I get so anxious about becoming a mom. I’m really not ready for that, at all. When we got married I hoped that by the time I’m 25 I’ll be ready but I wasn’t. Another option is not to have kids at all but once again what if I’ll turn 32 and will want to have kids then? Also we are having different lifestyle preferences. I want to live in a big city, work, maybe move somewhere new but he is kind of ready to settle down in some quiet place. The fact is he has to start preparing for retirement and if I want to live with him I have pretty much live a lifestyle of a retired woman. I feel like I’m loosing my youth. I love my husband but at the same time I question if it’s truly romantic love or love for a family member. Sometimes I feel like I love him like I love my dad. I feel like he is my parent and not a spouse. But it’s so hard to think about leaving, like I said it’s like leaving your own parent. I feel romantically attracted to other men. I’m scared I’m going to cheat on him one day. In fact while on a trip for my grad school I did meet a guy and we spend a whole day together and in the end we kissed. I stopped myself at that, so there was no sex, but I’m scared what if it will happen again? What if next time I won’t be able to stop myself? I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. My husband can tell that I’m unhappy and divorce is possible. It breaks my heart, but I’m scared if I stay I will regret later. I was too young, stupid and lonely when we got married. I made a decision purely on emotion and didn’t think about the future. I don’t know what to do now Edited October 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
lovebytes1980 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Hi Jane I realise this is a late response, however it might help someone in a similar position. First love is a very complex thing. Don't beat yourself up for making a decision to marry at the time you did. You did what you thought was right then. Secondly even if you got married to someone your age, there is no guaranty that life would be any easier or that you would not be attracted to someone else. I get the impression that you want adventure and fun. It is ironic but when form relationships and marry the stability of family is actually the antithesis of living the wild life that many crave. It is a struggle. Now for my suggestion. Write down a bucket list of all the things you want to do in life. Let your husband write a similar list too. Sit and discuss you list together. Try and do this like you would a staff meeting at work. Take all the items that are similar on both list and implement them. Then look at items that are on his list that you don't mind at all and put them on your list. Lastly look at items that don't match your goals and discuss them. Try to find solutions that are win-win, if not then accept that ideas won't work for you. (By the way even if you marry someone who you have romantic love for you will still have a similar problem of having ideas that are not similar to his) Don't get upset. Look at all the options and make decisions that are not just good for you or for him but good for the relationship. By the way even though our culture tell us to do what makes us happy, this attitude only tend to make us miserable in the end. Although this is contra-intuitive when we sacrifice and contribute to others we tend to benefit enormously. Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Jane , I don't want to be harsh ... but i have to say it because if you continue like this you will enrich two things : -Selfishness and Perfectionism Accordingly for you and him , you have to change a bit . Divorce him or change . you want everything and not willing to sacrifice .... it is really absurd to me when a woman doesn't want to be a mom for the time being ! who told you life is fair , who will grant you this ... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 It sounds like you are not compatable. It's not unexpected, given your age difference. In most cases, I'm usually astounded that the husband didn't see this coming when he chose a child bride. But in this case, I feel kind of sorry for your husband. I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 so she waited 7-8 years to know they are incompatible , after sett;ing down and got all help and or financial support .! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 so she waited 7-8 years to know they are incompatible , after sett;ing down and got all help and or financial support .! I didn’t know we are incompatible. I had and have feelings for him. When I was 19 and he proposed to me I had a very different view on life that I do now. I changed as I was growing older. But I wasn’t purposefully making an evil plan to marry and then leave after 7 years when I was 19. Believe me all I wanted is to be loved and go to school. That’s all that was on my mind. I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 Jane , I don't want to be harsh ... but i have to say it because if you continue like this you will enrich two things : -Selfishness and Perfectionism Accordingly for you and him , you have to change a bit . Divorce him or change . you want everything and not willing to sacrifice .... it is really absurd to me when a woman doesn't want to be a mom for the time being ! who told you life is fair , who will grant you this ... What’s so absurd about not being ready to be a mom? Some women are never ready, some are ready only in their 30s. Same for men. Not all men are ready to be fathers. Parenthood requires a lot of responsibilities. I want to be a responsible adult and be ready for it. I don’t want to be one of the moms with postpartum depression or those who don’t even want to spend the time with their child cuz they simply were not ready to have a child in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 What’s so absurd about not being ready to be a mom? Some women are never ready, some are ready only in their 30s. Same for men. Not all men are ready to be fathers. Parenthood requires a lot of responsibilities. I want to be a responsible adult and be ready for it. I don’t want to be one of the moms with postpartum depression or those who don’t even want to spend the time with their child cuz they simply were not ready to have a child in the first place. Don't ever let anyone pressure you into having children. Some people make a conscious decision not to have children and I respect that. I'd rather they not have children and live their lives as they envisioned rather than bring children into the world that they grow to resent over time. You were very young when you married. You still had a lot of growing up to do when you got married. Some people will have a problem with the perception that you married him for citizenship, learned the language, he financed your education, then you kicked him to the curb when you were done with him. I don't have any words of wisdom for that other than I would always try marriage counseling before I throw in the towel. You say you want to live in the city and he wants to retire to a quiet area. Maybe you can compromise? Try hard to make your marriage work. Do something to regain that spark. Make sure you communicate your true feelings to him. He has helped you this far, he knows you best, maybe he will have words of wisdom and try to win your affection. Give him that chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 Don't ever let anyone pressure you into having children. Some people make a conscious decision not to have children and I respect that. I'd rather they not have children and live their lives as they envisioned rather than bring children into the world that they grow to resent over time. You were very young when you married. You still had a lot of growing up to do when you got married. Some people will have a problem with the perception that you married him for citizenship, learned the language, he financed your education, then you kicked him to the curb when you were done with him. I don't have any words of wisdom for that other than I would always try marriage counseling before I throw in the towel. You say you want to live in the city and he wants to retire to a quiet area. Maybe you can compromise? Try hard to make your marriage work. Do something to regain that spark. Make sure you communicate your true feelings to him. He has helped you this far, he knows you best, maybe he will have words of wisdom and try to win your affection. Give him that chance. Thank you for your advice. I think I need to clarify some things. First I didn’t need to marry him for a green card. I actually had an opportunity to get it through a family member. Second I wasn’t here illegally, I was on the student visa. So I had at least 3 more years to find someone to marry if I had to. So green card has nothing to do with it, at all. As for college I paid tuition myself cuz I was working the entire time I was in college and I had some student loans too. He did help me a lot with living expenses which I’m very grateful for. One of the reason my husband wanted to marry a young woman was because of his daughter. He was divorced twice and his second wife was really bossy around his child. He wanted to find someone who wouldn’t try to act like a mom to his daughter. And I was perfect for that. Me and his daughter got along pretty well. She just turned 18 and we still are very good friends. I really love my husband and I want to do everything I can to love him romantically and find a common ground on lifestyle. I’m going to IC first and then couples counseling. But sometimes I get scared that we are too different now and the age difference finally caught up with us Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Young, no kids, college education, great prospects. Be fair in the divorce and move on. Your husband helped you become the woman you are today, the one who loves him like a father apparently. Accept it, show respect and gratitude for his love and help, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 When I was 19 and he proposed to me I had a very different view on life that I do now. I changed as I was growing older. That’s all that was on my mind. I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted in life. Which is why these kinds of marriages are usually not a good plan... For anyone, who we are at 19 is usually not who we are at 26. And, who he is at at 45 is VASTLY different than who you are at 20. Perhaps you were comparable at 19/45. But, who you are and what you want at 26/51 is different - you are not comparable anymore. And, don’t kid yourself... it’s highly unlikely that a 45 year old man who has been married twice before marries a 19 year old girl from another country because he wants a woman who was not bossy around his child. There were probably many reasons why he married you, but that is likely not one of them... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 I have a pretty clear picture of your marriage. you view him as a parent because he has been parenting you. You didnt almost cheat on him, you absolutely cheated on him. Does he know? The main issue is to be expected. You were a kid when you married, happy to be playing house. Now that he is expecting you to actually be married you desire to be young and single. The problem, I can tell that you love him and what you are complaining about isnt incompatibility its justification for your desire to experience life. Nothing really wrong with that (wanting to be young and experience life). Just remember on the backside you will lose the guy. It wont be a case where you will be able to go off and come back when you're ready. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 The main issue is to be expected. You were a kid when you married, happy to be playing house. Now that he is expecting you to actually be married you desire to be young and single. Very true. I’m curious, why does a 50+ year old man on his third marriage with grown children want to have more children? It happens, I know. But, you can’t put it off too much longer if he wants to be a part of the child’s life. And, you need to be prepared to raise this child alone, in the worst case scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Me and my husband have been together for 7 years, married for 6, no children. He is a great husband and loves very much, but I have a few concerns about our marriage. We have a big age difference (over 25 years) and I got married very very young (I was 20). When we got married I just moved to this country and I felt so alone that when I met him a immediately got attached to him. He helped me to build my life here, learn language, go through college etc. I was happy with him until I got a little older and started to look at things differently. One big problem we have now is that I’m not ready to have a child yet but he can’t wait much longer due to his age. We are at the point where we either have kids now or don’t have them at all. I totally understand his situation he wants to see his children to graduate college, get married etc, he doesn’t want to be too old (or dead) by the time our children in their 20s. But at the same time I get so anxious about becoming a mom. I’m really not ready for that, at all. When we got married I hoped that by the time I’m 25 I’ll be ready but I wasn’t. Another option is not to have kids at all but once again what if I’ll turn 32 and will want to have kids then? Also we are having different lifestyle preferences. I want to live in a big city, work, maybe move somewhere new but he is kind of ready to settle down in some quiet place. The fact is he has to start preparing for retirement and if I want to live with him I have pretty much live a lifestyle of a retired woman. I feel like I’m loosing my youth. I love my husband but at the same time I question if it’s truly romantic love or love for a family member. Sometimes I feel like I love him like I love my dad. I feel like he is my parent and not a spouse. But it’s so hard to think about leaving, like I said it’s like leaving your own parent. I feel romantically attracted to other men. I’m scared I’m going to cheat on him one day. In fact while on a trip for my grad school I did meet a guy and we spend a whole day together and in the end we kissed. I stopped myself at that, so there was no sex, but I’m scared what if it will happen again? What if next time I won’t be able to stop myself? I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. My husband can tell that I’m unhappy and divorce is possible. It breaks my heart, but I’m scared if I stay I will regret later. I was too young, stupid and lonely when we got married. I made a decision purely on emotion and didn’t think about the future. I don’t know what to do now Divorce ASAP. This marriage is over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 See Clint Eastwood/Dina Ruiz. IIRC he was 63 when his last child was born. Like the OP, his wife was much younger, 30 years or so. Unlike the OP, they were married quite a stretch, nearly 20 years. Big world, lots of people, if we want to see people being who they really are as examples of humanity, see the rich and powerful. How many mothers did Clint have different kids with? Betcha he'll have a well-attended funeral with lots of crying. That's reality. OP can take a page from that, accept the real, long life to live, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 Which is why these kinds of marriages are usually not a good plan... For anyone, who we are at 19 is usually not who we are at 26. And, who he is at at 45 is VASTLY different than who you are at 20. Perhaps you were comparable at 19/45. But, who you are and what you want at 26/51 is different - you are not comparable anymore. And, don’t kid yourself... it’s highly unlikely that a 45 year old man who has been married twice before marries a 19 year old girl from another country because he wants a woman who was not bossy around his child. There were probably many reasons why he married you, but that is likely not one of them... I know it’s not the only reason, of course not. But I believe it was important to him. In fact he divorced his second wife because her and his daughter didn’t get along. So at that time it was very important for him to find someone who wouldn’t make house rules for his daughter, tell her what to do and how to behave. He just wanted to find a kind woman, with no kids, who would be a friend to his daughter and not an authority figure. The problem is I think he was focused so much on his daughter’s well being at that time that he didn’t think about the future kids and if I’m the best person for that. And I also didn’t think about it cuz I was too young. But now his daughter is an adult, I’m older, he is older and we kind of don’t know what to do. We get along very well though. Have the same sense of humor, like same movies etc. We just at different stages of our lives now. It was much easier when I was younger cuz the only thing I was thinking about was the school, but now I have to think about my career, children, finances etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 Very true. I’m curious, why does a 50+ year old man on his third marriage with grown children want to have more children? It happens, I know. But, you can’t put it off too much longer if he wants to be a part of the child’s life. And, you need to be prepared to raise this child alone, in the worst case scenario. That’s exactly what concerns me. This is why I want to be 100% sure that I’m ready for it. I have to be prepared to be a young mom and give my youth to motherhood, I have to be prepared to possibly raise my child alone or be alone when I retire. It’s a lot and this is why it’s so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 I know it’s not the only reason, of course not. But I believe it was important to him. In fact he divorced his second wife because her and his daughter didn’t get along. So at that time it was very important for him to find someone who wouldn’t make house rules for his daughter, tell her what to do and how to behave. He just wanted to find a kind woman, with no kids, who would be a friend to his daughter and not an authority figure. The problem is I think he was focused so much on his daughter’s well being at that time that he didn’t think about the future kids and if I’m the best person for that. And I also didn’t think about it cuz I was too young. But now his daughter is an adult, I’m older, he is older and we kind of don’t know what to do. We get along very well though. Have the same sense of humor, like same movies etc. We just at different stages of our lives now. It was much easier when I was younger cuz the only thing I was thinking about was the school, but now I have to think about my career, children, finances etc. I think you are being slightly disingenuous. Your opening post came off like a young woman who got married early who now wants to party and date guys her age. Your simply using window dressing to not sound as shallow as it comes off. You always questioned wanting kids, you've always wanted to be in a big city. The real difference is you are now interested in other men Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 I think you are being slightly disingenuous. Your opening post came off like a young woman who got married early who now wants to party and date guys her age. Your simply using window dressing to sound as shallow as it comes off. You always questioned wanting kids, you've always wanted to be in a big city. The real difference is you are now interested in other men I’m not going to pretend that there is 0 interest in other men. But this by far not my main concern. I want to be in a big city now a lot more than before because of career opportunities, since I had no career before it didn’t matter that much to me. Like I said I might have to raise my future kids alone I want to make sure I have enough money for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 And, don’t kid yourself... it’s highly unlikely that a 45 year old man who has been married twice before marries a 19 year old girl from another country because he wants a woman who was not bossy around his child. There were probably many reasons why he married you, but that is likely not one of them... And therefore, each has gotten something from the relationship, an equal return. He got a young chick, the OP got a father figure. Jane1212, I wouldn't stay out of obligation. Does your husband know your state of mind? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 I’m not going to pretend that there is 0 interest in other men. But this by far not my main concern. I want to be in a big city now a lot more than before because of career opportunities, since I had no career before it didn’t matter that much to me. Like I said I might have to raise my future kids alone I want to make sure I have enough money for that. So, if he said no kids and let's move to New York would that clear things up and make you desire to stay married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 19, 2018 Author Share Posted October 19, 2018 And therefore, each has gotten something from the relationship, an equal return. He got a young chick, the OP got a father figure. Jane1212, I wouldn't stay out of obligation. Does your husband know your state of mind? Mr. Lucky He does, I’m going to IC and I told him when and why. I want to try to change. I really want to love him the way he needs it and deserves it. There are a lot of precious moments in our relationship. He means a lot to me, he is the kindest man I have ever met, and as I said we really do get along. I want to try my best to save our marriage, but as I said I have some doubts Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 That’s exactly what concerns me. This is why I want to be 100% sure that I’m ready for it. I have to be prepared to be a young mom and give my youth to motherhood, I have to be prepared to possibly raise my child alone or be alone when I retire. It’s a lot and this is why it’s so hard. You knew all of this before you got married... Although, in your youth most people don't concern themselves with such details. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Share Posted October 20, 2018 You knew all of this before you got married... Although, in your youth most people don't concern themselves with such details. Yes, I knew, but I didn’t take it seriously. There were other things in my life that I was focused on. And my husband was too focused on his daughter and work to think about the kids in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Share Posted October 20, 2018 So, if he said no kids and let's move to New York would that clear things up and make you desire to stay married? If he said let’s move to NYC and have kids in 2-3 years then yes, I would definitely stay. Link to post Share on other sites
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