Setbacks on healing...

[briarpatch]

I am three months post having a short lived affair with a man that I met over a year ago. We are both married (about 15 years, both sides) and both have kids that we adore.

 

We also both have different but busy..lets just say businesses/practices/firms. We also both work with out spouses and I can say on my end, I have never done anything like this before and never even entertained the thought of having an affair.

 

I love my husband and he loves his wife, but somehow, somewhere, Lee and I still managed to find ourselves in a heap of a mess. What started out as innocently enough turned to phone calls, texting, and we ended up having awkward sex (twice) in a public place. Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking but I fell hard and fast and I am still in love with him. I have not seen or heard from him in three months. He just dropped me like the bad habit I am. In the twist of this, his own sister is one of my employees so, unfortunately I have to hear his name and hear about his life in passing and not squirm or vomit.

 

He is all I think about most of the day and it continues to tear at my heart. Out of the love I have for him, I will not dare call him or even put him the position to have to tell me to go away. I feel that maybe he is being cruel to be kind and to take care of his own family and I cannot stand the thought that I have caused him any grief. So messed up because my husbands feelings if he knew aren't anything I have considered... Like so many others..how did I get here? Why did I get here?

 

I have done a lot of reading, therapy and tried to heal even on my own. I've scrolled websites, self-help books...I've done everything I know to do yet..here I am. I am 6 weeks without a drop of alcohol. When "Lee" started to fade out of my life a few months ago, I started to down whole bottle of vodka by myself in one night. Not normally a drinker, I would make myself sick and get up and take care of my kids with a hangover. I would pull out the bottle when my family was asleep because I had no one to talk to so I thought the answer to help me sleep and forget about Lee was to destroy my body. What the hell, my soul is already destroyed. I came close to coming clean with my husband, but have decided against it because I am not going to put my kids through the trauma of what is certain to come. My husband, though he loves me, has a bad temper and I think that he would harm me or himself so I do not feel I am at a point of telling him what I have done.

 

Here's the worst part. Though I have bouts of guilt and know what I did is wrong..and being in love with the idea of being in love with Lee, I know and accept he does not care for me or he would not have just left my life without a word....I was so happy seeing him. It made my days so much better. I worked better, I slept better, I was a better wife and mom. Is that crazy? I am ashamed to admit it. Lee was just my happy spot. In order to feel like I had some control of the situation, I blocked him on every outlet possible even though I didn't have to...he had already gone over a month without so much as even a text goodbye...

 

I miss him. We had gone every day talking for 8 months. I am grieving him like a death but as a have managed to try to pretend to pull myself together, I had a set back this morning when I saw he had stopped by to see his sister this morning while running the security camera back. So, I guess it was legitimate family business...but here I have overcome and healing, a very broken heart, alcohol dependency, grief, shame, guilt...and now this. My heart sunk seeing him on that camera. I missed him by about 5 minutes it seems.

 

The fact that I am still hung up on him is enough proof to me that I do not love or respect my husband enough to be wife to anyone but 15 years is a long time just to wake up and say "by the way...". I can't do it.

 

I just need to know what to expect now.. With him stopping by here like that, do you think he is trying to make contact? Should I avoid him at all costs if he tried to talk to me again, ever? Or, if he was ever really going to talk to me again would he have done it already? I just want to be prepared of every scenario and not act on emotions. I just need to be strong..I am suddenly weak and want to call him. Please help.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I am sorry for your pain, I can relate to it all too well. Mine was only an EA, but no less devastating to me.

 

You are still in the worst of it (I am 3 months post as well) but from what I hear, it gets better--God, let's hope so. I have turned into a person I don't know: weepy, emotional, depressed, and addicted to a man that I know I wouldn't leave my husband for, yet I can't forget.

 

You are smart to think through the various scenarios and what you would do in each one. You have gotten this far, so maintaining NC is essential--avoid talking to/seeing him at all costs. From what I hear, if you start back up it will only be worse when you have to go through all of this again. I guess the most difficult scenario is if he comes to your work unannounced and you have to see him. I would say if he does that, only then should you contact him to tell him never to go there again, or to do it when he's sure you won't be there.

 

I will be writing my own post soon, but I don't have the option to go NC with my AP--I work with him and for complicated reasons can't change jobs. It is hell. I have to go through 'withdraw' all over again every time I see him.

[Maybelle]

I feel so badly for you and I feel in so many ways. I, too, wanted to find a magic fix to make myself feel better. Sadly it doesn't seem to exist.

 

Given the alcohol issues you had to self medicate, you sound like you could benefit from outside help. I asked my doctor for antidepressants and i truly think it has helped me. Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried and I cried every day for 37 days. You might consider talking to your doctor about it.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I asked my doctor for antidepressants and i truly think it has helped me. Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried and I cried every day for 37 days. You might consider talking to your doctor about it.

 

 

Maybelle has a good point. My therapist has been suggesting antidepressants for me and I am considering it. I cry every day, often can't control when it happens.

[Amethyst68]

So am I the only one that finds it strange that your husband suddenly had a bad temper and is likely to hurt you or himself when it comes to you letting him know what's going on in his own life? Strangely this extremely bad temper was not a consideration when you were having sex with another man in a public place - where you could have been caught at any time by any anyone else.

 

If you're not going to be honest with your husband at least be honest with yourself with your reasons why. It doubt it's got anything to do with his temper and everything to do with owning up to your own actions.

 

Your husband deserves the right to make the decisions in his own life, he also needs to go for STI tests as you have no idea who else your OM is sleeping with.

 

As for you, the is always going to be a link if your OM's sister works for you. If you are going to make a go of you marriage you may need to let her go to go completely NC.

[Maybelle]

Maybelle has a good point. My therapist has been suggesting antidepressants for me and I am considering it. I cry every day, often can't control when it happens.

 

I too had no control over it. I would have to hide in the bathroom at work because I would suddenly just cry. It isnt a magic cure all. They take time. I'm five weeks in and really just now beginning to see some improvement. But if you counselor has suggested it you definitely need to think about it. Plus, as we now know, these affairs give us a rush of serotonin and dopamine, and this gives you a boost in one of both, depending on what antidepressants the doctor gives you. I myself am on two different drugs, one for serotonin and one for dopamine. The one alone wasnt working for me. Of course I had been on a low dose antidepressant for years for anxiety.

[Maybelle]

So am I the only one that finds it strange that your husband suddenly had a bad temper and is likely to hurt you or himself when it comes to you letting him know what's going on in his own life? Strangely this extremely bad temper was not a consideration when you were having sex with another man in a public place - where you could have been caught at any time by any anyone else.

 

If you're not going to be honest with your husband at least be honest with yourself with your reasons why. It doubt it's got anything to do with his temper and everything to do with owning up to your own actions.

 

Your husband deserves the right to make the decisions in his own life, he also needs to go for STI tests as you have no idea who else your OM is sleeping with.

 

As for you, the is always going to be a link if your OM's sister works for you. If you are going to make a go of you marriage you may need to let her go to go completely NC.

I dont find that odd. I have a husband who is very jealous and has a bad temper. I didn't have intercourse with my AP but I took risks anyway. I was scared but it didn't stop me. I think it must be very similar to what drug addicts feel when they are looking for that next high. You know it's bad and you know the risks but you do it anyway. Just my thoughts.

[briarpatch]

Oddly enough, it was was my husband's bad temper that made me leave work the day I literally walking out the door of my office and Lee stopped me to ask for help. Of course, he had no idea that I just had a hurtful, heated conversation with my husband and I have never told Lee about my husband's temper and disorder because I didn't want that to be an excuse for, well, anything..It is not a topic I bring up outside of my close family circle of my parents and siblings. My husband has bi polar disorder and will not take his medications because he doesn't think he needs them....I've pleased for years for him to get help but he really, truly does not see it. As a matter of fact, we are on day 3 of the manic phase...

[Maybelle]

Your situation sounds very scary. In this case, if it were me, I would file for divorce. I couldn't handle this.

[briarpatch]

I dont find that odd. I have a husband who is very jealous and has a bad temper. I didn't have intercourse with my AP but I took risks anyway. I was scared but it didn't stop me. I think it must be very similar to what drug addicts feel when they are looking for that next high. You know it's bad and you know the risks but you do it anyway. Just my thoughts.

 

I totally agree and my situation can be scary at times. Today, Lee came to my work. I had the correct gut feeling that he was testing the waters yesterday but today, he just marched his beautiful self right in with his precious little boy, chatted with his sister and bee lined to my office...where my husband and I both sat. I couldn't look up at him. I couldn't speak. I got up, said excuse me and went straight to the restroom and vomited. He spent a few minutes chatting with my husband (yep, he is brave and ballsy like that) and I busiest myself elsewhere. He left shortly after, and he said "bye Briar" to me as he wa s leaving. I never looked up. I couldn't look at him. I have willed him to call me or come by and there he was and I couldn't speak to him. Now, I'm not so sure I did the right thing. Not that I had a choice, I literally couldn't speak. It was like seeing a ghost. I initially felt "ha! take that!" then reality washed over me that he was, indeed, telling me bye. I wish I could have looked at him just one last time. I know if I would have, I would have begged him not to leave but all of these months of torture and he just wanted to show up..with his kid..? What was I to do? So, after a good cry...I'm here wishing I could just tell him I love him and then let him go.

[Amethyst68]

You need to reframe your thinking.

 

You think this man bringing his child to visit your husband is 'brave and ballsy'. Are you serious? If anything it does nothing but his arrogance and entitlement. Anyone with a shred decency would not bring their innocent child to visit their AP let alone their AP's partner.

 

Oh I'm sure you'll have some reason or defence for him, after all in your mind you've built him up while beating your husband down but there's no excuse for introducing an innocent child into this mess.

 

Susan by no means is this behaviour 'brave or ballsy'.

[stillafool]

No I do not think he was trying to make contact with you. If he wanted contact he knows how to do it without involving his sister. He was there to see his sister.

[Bufo]

Except.....where else on the entire planet could be go where he was likely to “Accidentally run into you”. He’s fishing. Letting you know that he is VIlable or simply wants to hurt you

 

On another site a saying is “ no new contact means no new hurt”.

Does this make sense to you?

[Amethyst68]

Ugh - last sentence should start with seriously.

 

I hate this tablet.....

[NotADayGoesBy]

So, after a good cry...I'm here wishing I could just tell him I love him and then let him go.

 

Trust me, there is no such thing as closure in these situations. I had a “closure “ moment and I felt better for one evening. Then I was back to wondering why, what if, etc. and feeling miserable, missing him and wanting to talk to him. I’ve been to so many sites I can’t remember where I read it, but ending an affair is like getting fired: there are no happy endings.

 

I think he brought the kid as a buffer—so you couldn’t cause a scene or talk to him personally. Jerk.

[briarpatch]

Well, at the very least just writing and reading the responses is helping and with so many of you understanding...not excusing..just understanding.

 

For example: I did not think of what an ego this man has...and you are right, I defend him and his actions way too much. After seeing his little boy, it made the magnitude of the situation very real to me and as much as it hurt, the true weight of my actions made so much more sense to me what a home wrecker I could be. Seeing them together tugged at my heart and I thought about if how they both were mine how much I would hate someone like me. I'm not going to be "her" anymore, but my feelings for him are not going to go away for awhile. Now the tough part...do I come clean with my husband? The guilt is closing in more so now that I just fully realize the consequences of being so irresponsible.

 

Retrain my thinking? So true. I mean, this man cheats on his wife! I also thought about how if I texted him...and if he even bothered to text back...there is NOTHING, I mean nothing that he is going to say that I really want to hear.

[Adotta]

Your going to see anger from your husband.. who here hasn't? It's going to be bad. It always is.

 

 

BUT. Telling him is the first step to showing him with actions that you respect him. Not that YOU have ALWAYS respected him. Just that you NOW respect him. It's important.

 

 

Even should everything go tits up, you can know that you started making moral choices eventually. You can be better than you were. Morality is doing right even at great cost. Anyone can do the right thing when it doesn't cost them anything. People like to jump on the "I'm a hero bandwagon" for the easiest of moral decisions , then claim to not be able to do right for , ext , ECT , ECT , reasons once there is an actual cost to the choice.

 

 

 

As it is now you are controlling your husband. Controling his view if reality. Dont use his anger as an excuse. Believe he will do something bad? Do it in a place or setting where you have some security. Take the kids for a trip to your parents / siblings / friends. Stay the night and give him a letter.

 

 

 

Also telling him may do a lot to fix your attitude on your AP. The whole "he is so balesy and brave" **** nearly had me vomiting on my phone. That's twisted and so highly disrespectful of your husband. Would you feel that way if a man stabbed someone you love in the back without being identified and later had a full conversation with them? No you would call them a psycho. Would you think them cunning? No they would be a psycho. Getting off on being treated kindly by the people they have secretly taken advantage of. Thats psycho stuff. I tried that before. Speaking face to face with people i have betrayed. When i was a psycho.... it felt great. Like i was a super awsome smooth super vilian. Too cool and smart for school. When i got around to healing...... it made me feel pathetic and manipulative. As it should.

[InvisibleLady]

It made my days so much better. I worked better, I slept better, I was a better wife and mom. Is that crazy?

 

No. I felt this way, too. It seemed everything was better when I was involved with xmm. Maybe it just seemed that way by comparison, after experiencing the lowest lows once it was over.

[FMW]

Being in the affair made everything seem better because your life is unhappy, your marriage is unhealthy. Not because this other man was anything special. You were able to feel happy and alive with him for a time, but again, not because he is special. He was an escape. A fantasy.

 

Even with the pain now that it's over and the fantasy bubble has burst, it's easier to focus on him rather than the state of your marriage. It still serves as an escape for you. But you really do need to take a hard look at your marriage and figure out if it can be fixed and if so how. If not, then do what you need to do.

 

Something that has helped me deal with heartache and sadness is 5-HTP. It's easy to find anywhere that carries vitamins and supplements. It's an amino acid that helps with Serotonin production. It's helped me and hopefully will continue to until time allows me to heal. You might give it a try before starting a pharmaceutical anti-depressant.

[InvisibleLady]

Being in the affair made everything seem better because your life is unhappy, your marriage is unhealthy. Not because this other man was anything special. You were able to feel happy and alive with him for a time, but again, not because he is special. He was an escape. A fantasy.

 

Even with the pain now that it's over and the fantasy bubble has burst, it's easier to focus on him rather than the state of your marriage. It still serves as an escape for you. But you really do need to take a hard look at your marriage and figure out if it can be fixed and if so how. If not, then do what you need to do.

 

Something that has helped me deal with heartache and sadness is 5-HTP. It's easy to find anywhere that carries vitamins and supplements. It's an amino acid that helps with Serotonin production. It's helped me and hopefully will continue to until time allows me to heal. You might give it a try before starting a pharmaceutical anti-depressant.

 

For me, the scary part of making decisions about the marriage while not totally over the A is regret.

My marriage was not terrible or abusive like others are dealing with. I was just never in love with him, we got married young due to pregnancy. And I love H, I really do, but never had that over the top in love feeling that I had with xmm. Maybe that's just the fantasy.

I have always been jealous of people that met the love of their lives and fell head over heels and married them. Versus marrying someone because it's "the right thing to do". (Or so I thought at the time.)

But I am not naïve enough to think those "in love" feelings last forever and I know many marriages start out that way and they may still end up here with a tale of woe - like the rest of us. The grass isn't greener, so I am personally trying to work on me, so I can be happy again in the marriage.

 

I was reading about the 5-HTP. Very interesting. Have you had any adverse side effects? Are you taking 100mg?

[misspalmy]

I'm sorry, it does take time xx

[treehugger12]

 

 

Also telling him may do a lot to fix your attitude on your AP. The whole "he is so balesy and brave" **** nearly had me vomiting on my phone. That's twisted and so highly disrespectful of your husband. Would you feel that way if a man stabbed someone you love in the back without being identified and later had a full conversation with them? No you would call them a psycho. Would you think them cunning? No they would be a psycho. Getting off on being treated kindly by the people they have secretly taken advantage of. Thats psycho stuff. I tried that before. Speaking face to face with people i have betrayed. When i was a psycho.... it felt great. Like i was a super awsome smooth super vilian. Too cool and smart for school. When i got around to healing...... it made me feel pathetic and manipulative. As it should.

 

 

This reminded me of what happened to me with my MM, I was deeply in the fog and having a hard time getting over him. A few months after our short fling I saw him and his wife at party, while with my husband. He made a big effort (was keeping my eye on him, hoping he would keep his distance from us) to work his way over to my husband and I to introduce his wife to me and meet my husband and shake hands. I almost vomited right there and all I could think of for weeks is why the hell he would do that. Reading this made me realize what kind of person he really is, glad its all over and I've moved on.

BP, thoughts and prayers to you that your heart heals soon, you do not need this in your life and I hope you realize what kind of person he really is to do this to you.

Edited October 23, 2018 by treehugger12

[Adotta]

This reminded me of what happened to me with my MM, I was deeply in the fog and having a hard time getting over him. A few months after our short fling I saw him and his wife at party, while with my husband. He made a big effort (was keeping my eye on him, hoping he would keep his distance from us) to work his way over to my husband and I to introduce his wife to me and meet my husband and shake hands. I almost vomited right there and all I could think of for weeks is why the hell he would do that. Reading this made me realize what kind of person he really is, glad its all over and I've moved on.

BP, thoughts and prayers to you that your heart heals soon, you do not need this in your life and I hope you realize what kind of person he really is to do this to you.

 

 

It was even worse than I portrayed. I remember feeling so God damn superior. To the husband. To everyone there. Those who know who my affair partner was know it's worse than just some random guy. I remember thinking he was such a fool. A total loser. Here I was his worst enemy and he was hugging me and smiling at me. Treating me kindly. And I looked down on him for it and drew enjoyment from it. I felt like the big bad wolf among a group of sheep. A shark among seals. Sick sick sick stuff.

 

 

I realized later through my own healing that I came down to a desperate need to be perceived as MORE than others. Better than others. Sick sick sick. My AP would giggle along with me after words. :sick: Doing what we did and carrying on in plain sight was a big part of the thrill.

Edited October 24, 2018 by Adotta

[FMW]

"I was reading about the 5-HTP. Very interesting. Have you had any adverse side effects? Are you taking 100mg?"

 

I usually take 200mg at breakfast and again at lunch, so a total of 400mg daily. When I was really weepy I would take 200mg more in the late afternoon. Currently I take them in liquid soft-gels that include other vitamins and herbs (the brand is Irwin Naturals).

 

It's not a complete cure but it has definitely helped me. But I'm hoping in the not too far future I won't feel the need to take any

 

Oh, and no side effects that I've noticed.

[NotADayGoesBy]

 

Thanks for mentioning this. I'd never heard of it, but I'm going to give it a try because I need something (other than therapy) but have really been resisting starting antidepressants.