Work With Ex Emotional AP

[NotADayGoesBy]

Is anyone else coping with this? I know the best solution is to change jobs, but trust me when I say this is not possible for me right now. This is one of the hardest things I've ever been through.

 

We have known each other several years and began an EA (that did involve kissing twice) last April that lasted until July when he revealed he already was in an affair and had been for about 8 months or so. I was devastated to say the least. He led me to believe he had been faithful in his 37 year marriage (he got married as a teen) so it was a total shock.

 

I was so angry and hurt that I really hated him for a while, but after a month I had to forgive him for my own sake--it was eating me alive. We had a conversation about it and he said he couldn't go on with having two different relationships, hence why he told me. I didn't want him to leave his AP for me, but I also wanted him to feel about me the way I felt about him and say he couldn't stand to be without me, etc. Of course that didn't happen.

 

Since that day he has done nothing to indicate he misses me or wants me. We've had no personal contact (email, texts) or personal conversations. And I know that is good, and what is best, and that I saved myself from making a bigger mistake. Only, that's not how I feel. I hate admitting that, but I am still hung up on him and addicted to him and how he made me feel. I still have feelings of 'love' for him that I know isn't really love. I never thought he was my soul mate and I never had any intention of leaving H--but I wanted him just the same. I know he was filling a void in my life despite the fact that my marriage is a good one, and I'm trying to figure out what exactly that void was.

 

After doing a lot of reading on the internet I at least understand what's going on and that I'm not alone, and that my situation is not unique nor was it 'special.' But my God it hurts.

 

I don't always have to see him every day at work, but because of a unique situation (we are in the performing arts) I have to see him at rehearsals four nights a week until the beginning of December. Some days at work (like today) it takes all my strength to not go see him in his office. And if I'm really honest with myself, there are times when I'm so dying to see him I will find work reasons to contact him. I only became aware I was doing this recently and I'm really trying to stop.

 

I feel like I'm on this horrible roller coaster of withdraw, then just a taste of him to make me feel better, then back to withdraw, lather, rinse, repeat. I know it's best for me that he has moved on (because I obviously have little self control--just enough pride to keep from going to him, but if he ever came to me...) but it also hurts terribly. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I feel like it would have been easier if he had stopped things between us because of his wife. Knowing he is with someone else eats me up with jealousy, which is beyond stupid and hypocritical, I know. I'm not justifying any of my actions or feelings. Just putting it out there because I can't tell anyone and I feel myself starting to crack with the pressure of it all.

[BaileyB]

Not to be dismissive of your struggle...

 

But I think knowing that this man is married, in an affair, and then engaging in another emotional affair - essentially cheating on his wife and affair partner... the thought bubble that would appear above my head when I saw him at work would be “what an *******!” I would not be feeling sadness or jealousy, but anger and relief that I dodged that bullet...

 

Seriously, this guy is no prize. When people show you who they really are, believe them.

Edited October 19, 2018 by BaileyB
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[NotADayGoesBy]

You have a good point BaileyB. I can’t figure out the hold he has on me. None of it makes any rational sense...I wish it had burst the bubble when he told me.

[sandylee1]

Managing THREE relationships was too much for him eh. Poor thing.

 

Focus on your marriage rather than your loss as the OOW.

[jah526]

Yes, I’m dealing with something similar. I work with mine, and I told him it was over when I had mounting evidence that he was interested in someone else. This guy, even in his own words, was weak. Any opportunity that came along, he’d seize it. He was a womanizer. But I understand the unreasonable addiction. Your ego was wounded, as was mine, and you keep wanting to return to the person who hurt you in order to prove yourself worthy, hoping that one day he’ll say he was wrong and the balance will be restored. All I can say is hang in there and it does get better over time.

[carhill]

OP, sounds like you handled this promptly and in a mature fashion, the rest is processing out your emotional attachment.

 

Working with an exAP is nearly always tough. However, if both parties process it out and leave it in the past, a healthy work environment can result. Do you believe you and he can do that? If yes, work on it daily. If no, you can't control him so make choices for yourself like finding alternative work space/different job.

 

Lastly, get out and socialize if you're not already doing so. If you're married, do that with your H, if not with others, getting social juices flowing and making new and positive emotional memories that don't include the exAP.

 

IME, once you learn the process, lovers, partners, AP's, whatever are easy to process out. They were important at some point, now they're back to the billions of humans on the planet. Think about all the other people at your work. Care about them in this way? Nope! Add one more to the list of who you don't care about. You'll get there.

Edited October 20, 2018 by carhill
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[NotADayGoesBy]

Your ego was wounded, as was mine, and you keep wanting to return to the person who hurt you in order to prove yourself worthy, hoping that one day he’ll say he was wrong and the balance will be restored. All I can say is hang in there and it does get better over time.

 

Wow, yes. He made me feel so beautiful and desired (always a great feeling, but I’m about to turn 50 so I’m feeling especially insecure) and now I feel dumped, rejected, etc which is stupid because she was there first. My rational brain is so glad this ended when it did but my feelings are so ridiculously out of control. I hate it.

 

Thanks everyone for responding. I know I deserve everything I’m going through because it was of my own making, but it’s not easy to go through alone. I can’t tell anyone.

[jah526]

Wow, yes. He made me feel so beautiful and desired (always a great feeling, but I’m about to turn 50 so I’m feeling especially insecure) and now I feel dumped, rejected, etc which is stupid because she was there first. My rational brain is so glad this ended when it did but my feelings are so ridiculously out of control. I hate it.

 

Thanks everyone for responding. I know I deserve everything I’m going through because it was of my own making, but it’s not easy to go through alone. I can’t tell anyone.

 

Heh, I got involved with mine a few months before I turned 50 too. Maybe that's our female version of buying a red sports car.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Heh, I got involved with mine a few months before I turned 50 too. Maybe that's our female version of buying a red sports car.

 

OMG! We are such a cliche it’s embarrassing He’s slightly (6years) older so I also felt like a “younger woman” in middle age (insert eye roll). Well, if I don’t laugh about it I’ll just cry so I’d rather laugh!

[brigit87]

Wow, yes. He made me feel so beautiful and desired (always a great feeling, but I’m about to turn 50 so I’m feeling especially insecure) and now I feel dumped, rejected, etc which is stupid because she was there first. My rational brain is so glad this ended when it did but my feelings are so ridiculously out of control. I hate it.

 

Thanks everyone for responding. I know I deserve everything I’m going through because it was of my own making, but it’s not easy to go through alone. I can’t tell anyone.

 

I just turned 50 so I know what you're talking about with feeling not so sexy anymore.

 

But you need to deal with that as a separate issue. Letting go of your younger self is hard but don't let someone use that against you. Just cause they say you're beautiful doesn't mean you are and doesn't mean you aren't.