Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

Long time lurker first time posting. Sorry this is long.

 

I never thought I would be the other woman, but here I am. My father was a prolific cheater, just because he could be. It was what caused my parents to divorce when I was 2 and that led to their abandonment of me to my grandparents. It was what led me to believe cheaters were the worst kind of people. I was always the good child, teen, adult, the good girlfriend and wife. I’ve had 2 sexual partners (not including my AP) and both were husbands. The first 6 months of the affair were unbelievably amazing; the last 5 weeks a rollercoaster of emotion and angst. So how did I get here?

 

After a 30 year relationship with my current husband, we finally separated 4 months ago, three months into the affair. I had been in an increasingly deeper depression for several years, finally culminating in my feeling like the walking dead. Every time I went home, I felt like I was suffocating and when I closed my eyes, I could see and feel a noose around my neck depriving me of oxygen. He had effectively isolated me, including from my own child. I could see no way out as I am the sole breadwinner, hubby being 18 years older and retired. It would be financial ruin as I would not only split our jointly held assets and my inheritance, which I effectively gave to him many years earlier by putting it into our home not realizing it meant half would be his, I would also potentially have to split my income due to our divorce laws. At the depth of my depression, I thought the only way I could survive would be to find someone to provide me with a distraction from the daily reality of my miserable life. I craved companionship, understanding and human touch. My husband and I had been in separate bedrooms on and off for years, and celibate for at least 10.

 

So what happened in my marriage? Well I finally realized I was married to a narcissist, thanks to several people who knew him, including a surgeon and psychologist. He would threaten to leave me whenever we had a significant fight. He threatened suicide. He told me I didn’t understand him and couldn’t communicate with him. Even when he was wrong, it somehow became my fault because he had a way of turning it around on me. He drove a wedge between me and my only child by telling me I was right in my discipline but telling her I was too hard on her, by telling her I was mentally unstable, and the list goes on. No matter how I begged and pleaded for him to listen and understand, for us to seek counselling (which he now denies), he would proclaim he now understood me and had changed and everything would be alright going forward. Wash, rinse, repeat. I could go on with specifics, but I think this paints the picture. Now that we are separated, he is still trying to manipulate me by telling me he’s changed but I am firm. He wants to reconcile but the thought is repulsive to me. I will not go back to that life. He still tries to turn things around on me, the latest being his assertion that had I stood up to him when he was being manipulative, our marriage would have worked. I was aghast at his gaul! He is a psychology major and was a social worker for a time but denies he ever knew I had abandonment issues or that victims have a hard time standing up for themselves!

 

I had several “dates” and numerous messaging exchanges from men on a dating website. None appealed. Enter Prince Charming. The similarities between us are eerie: both shy, sensitive, abandoned and without much prior experience. He too was adopted at 6 months and had a spouse who devalued him, took him for granted, disrespected him and made him feel stupid and they too had not been in the same bedroom since end of 2015. We instinctively finish each other’s sentences, we know when the other is down, we can communicate in a way that neither of us has communicated with anyone before. We opened up to each other almost immediately, like we had never done with anyone before. It was fireworks and connection from the outset. We started the affair as friends who would work up to "benefits" (which took numerous dates to become physical) with the understanding that it was to alleviate the situation at home and we would not leave our spouses. We would be each other’s surrogates. Before 3 months were up, I had been on 2 trips away, one 6 days and one 18 days. To say being apart was excruciating is an understatement. We talked 5 and 6 times a day and messaged continuously. When I was in town, we would see each other 4 or 5 times a week.

 

When I returned from the longer trip, it was very apparent that something changed for both of us. My husband was vile and malicious to me after my longer trip and I finally had enough so we separated. It was then that my Prince Charming started to float the idea of US as a couple forever. And 5 weeks ago, he told his wife he didn’t love her, didn’t miss her while she was away a month earlier, might have settled and wanted a separation. Before that, while I was on my longer trip, he abandoned her for a lengthy period, on their anniversary so he could console me. He didn’t go to Mother’s Day brunch because I was upset with my ex and ready to pack it in with him also. He wouldn’t end the conversation until I told him I wouldn’t break up with him. He was always there to lend an ear and listen.

 

Yes I know everyone will say it’s just promises and stories about his wife and his desire to leave but I know them to be the truth. No I’m not that naïve and gullible. I have listened to his rants after she did certain things that showed he was little more than an errand boy. I have heard telephone calls between him and his kids (in their 20’s but both still living at home) where he tells them that he doesn’t think he can continue with their mother, that he believes everyone will ultimately be happier if they are living apart. I have heard her via telephone say that she isn’t worth his even trying to salvage the marriage. So no, he hasn’t been lying about wanting to end the marriage. Unfortunately, irrational guilt is getting in the way of the final step. The last 5 weeks have been torturous. Mostly he does things that show he’s serious about ending the marriage including refusing to go back to the bedroom (he calls me every night while in bed), starting to stay out all night at a friend’s and now telling her he has plans for the night of her birthday that don’t include her. I know this to be true, again because I heard it for myself. Then when he does take a significant step, she rightfully gets upset and he starts to feel guilty and then says despite what he wants to do, he may not be able to do it because of the guilt.

 

We are both first time cheaters, emotionally spent and running on fumes. I have told him that while he believes he is letting her down gently, he is being cruel because it’s slow torture when your husband isn’t trying to work on the marriage by returning to the bedroom, showing affection, staying away from home for work or exercise or whatever, lying to you every day and avoiding talking. He doesn’t want her to be devastated but in the process, he is devastating everyone, himself and his kids because as young adults, they see and understand what is going on. He believes he won’t be happy with her, doesn’t have the inclination to work on the marriage, loves me and shows it every day, takes steps to end it but can’t seem to take that final step. I don’t want to leave him but I also don’t know how much longer I can take this without losing my mind. With my ex in the background harassing me and playing his old game, I'm ready to explode.

[Maybelle]

You live apart from your husband?

[PhoenixRising8]

Yes, we separated 4 months ago. Doesn't stop him from harassing me and being his old abusive self. Called me a loser today. And that's mild compared to other things he's said.

[Maybelle]

What do you think prevents him from taking the final step and divorcing her?

[PhoenixRising8]

He feels guilty about hurting the mother of his children. Admits he didn't try to work things out when he might have had a chance and feels guilty about that. Guilty about the grief it will do to his kids. Just guilt all over the place. Feels he might take the martyr route and cause more grief to everyone, including us, just so he won't feel guilty about hurting her. Thinks she hasn't a clue he's having an affair because she trusts him and he's always been a proud family man. I think he's the naive one. She's suggested he has his "friend" over for dinner which he declines of course. Has talked about several affairs, including her dad and her parents managed to work it out. No she hasn't a clue! He denies it of course because he doesn't want the kids to hate him or me to get everyone's wrath. But yeah, I'd be willing to bet she knows.

[Maybelle]

For his sake and yours, and really everyone else's, he has to make a decision. Prolonging the agony is worse for everyone. And it isn't fair to you if he isn't going to end his marriage. You deserve a chance at happiness too.

[Amethyst68]

Congratulations on getting yourself out of the toxic relationship you describe your marriage to be. No-one deserves to be treated like that and I'm glad you've finally found the strength to move forward.

 

I have to be honest I'm not seeing what's so great about this MM, you met on a dating website, doesn't say much for his self proclaimed character as a proud family man.

 

You describe him as shy and sensitive while describing what must be absolutely torturous behaviour to his wife. Whether she suspects a physical affair or not he has obviously been flaunting you and your affair in front of her and their children.

 

I know you will find a way to justify everything because you want him but please think hard - you've just left one abusive man, do you really want to welcome another into your life, and make no mistake what your MM is doing is abuse not to mention cowardly.....

 

Why do I still think you'll still have him on that pedestal though!

 

I actually hope his wife gets a clue and throws him out, I suspect though you wouldn't see him for dust as he would be trying to win her back.

[sandylee1]

Your marriage was a bad one, so it's good you're out of it.

 

Your MM is being incredibly cruel to his wife and that would worry me, because if he can treat the mother of his children like this, he'll have no problem doing the same to you.

 

You say his wife treats him like an errand boy, but look how he's treating her.

 

Would you act loving to a ma man who behaved this way?

 

All these are really nasty...and show his personality.

 

He didn’t go to Mother’s Day brunch

 

5 weeks ago, he told his wife he didn’t love her, didn’t miss her while she was away a month earlier

 

he abandoned her for a lengthy period, on their anniversary

 

starting to stay out all night at a friend’s

 

and now telling her he has plans for the night of her birthday that don’t include her

 

His behaviour towards his wife amounts to mental cruelty. That's your future if you end up with him and things are rocky.

 

His behaviour towards her is what would really scare me off, especially given the way your husband was.

 

He's so nice to you, but abandons her and treats her poorly in favour of you.

 

When men behave like this most smart women know it's because his head has been turned.

[metamorphasing]

Your marriage was a bad one, so it's good you're out of it.

 

Your MM is being incredibly cruel to his wife and that would worry me, because if he can treat the mother of his children like this, he'll have no problem doing the same to you.

 

 

Sandilee highlights some red flags here.. but its hard when your heart is involved because we don't want to see or acknowledge these flags.. I know I don't personally, and push aside those while I am in this fog..

 

You have been through so so so much.. and come through so much too.. you're incredibly strong, and also brave, for leaving.. many don't.. they stay..

 

I hope you never end up in another relationship where you are treated as poorly as you were (and still are) by your xH. Make sure that even while your heart is currently occupied witMM.. that you ensure you protect your future self..

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Older man, long marriage - he has too much to lose by leaving.

Is he really going to give up his cosy married existence and financial security for some woman who cheated on her husband, probably not.

How could he ever really trust her?

He knows that, so he plays the stupid game of sitting in the middle doing essentially nothing, but at the same time wreaking havoc.

He is a weak man playing with two women's lives for his own gain.

 

If this goes as it usually does, wife finds out, D-day, he either goes LC or NC, if he goes LC it will all continue until the next Dday, then he will either get chucked out and come running to you or he will throw you under the proverbial bus and go NC. If he comes running, you get him by default, but at any moment he may go back to the wife as he is so "guilty".

If he goes NC on Dday, in a bid to save his marriage, you may never hear from him again...

 

Be prepared.

 

BTW Prince Charming scoured the kingdom for Cinderella and was not happy till he found her, this guy can't even pack a bag and leave his wife...

[somanymistakes]

 

All these are really nasty...and show his personality.

 

He didn’t go to Mother’s Day brunch

 

5 weeks ago, he told his wife he didn’t love her, didn’t miss her while she was away a month earlier

 

he abandoned her for a lengthy period, on their anniversary

 

starting to stay out all night at a friend’s

 

and now telling her he has plans for the night of her birthday that don’t include her

 

His behaviour towards his wife amounts to mental cruelty.

 

You're specifically including the night he told her he wanted a separation as one of your red flags of him being a horrible person. In your estimation, is separation and divorce always mental cruelty?

 

Separation is going to involve abandoning your spouse and having plans on what would have been their birthday/anniversary/otherholidays.

[elaine567]

You're specifically including the night he told her he wanted a separation as one of your red flags of him being a horrible person. In your estimation, is separation and divorce always mental cruelty?

 

Separation is going to involve abandoning your spouse and having plans on what would have been their birthday/anniversary/otherholidays.

 

If he is separating then go ahead and separate, where the cruel part comes in, is when he says we're separating, we're done, then he continues on as is.

Actions speak louder than words.

He says he is leaving yet still sticks around, that tells his wife that words are just words and he doesn't really mean them, else he would be packing a bag, calling a lawyer and putting the house on the market.

Of course we don't know what else he tells his wife though.

"Sorry I love you..." may be in there too... that is the problem with MM.

[Amethyst68]

Agreed, telling a spouse or partner you are unhappy and want to separate is one thing.You discuss and prepare how and when to tell family and friends, how to handle the the break up physically and emotionally with as much dignity as possible.

 

What it is NOT is this passive aggressive crap the MM is doing by staying all night and telling her he's not going to celebrate her birthday with her. If nothing else they're the actions of an immature man who thinks nothing of trying to casually destroy his wife's feelings.

 

I wouldn't accept this behaviour from a teenager, why would you think it's acceptable from this self asked moral family man?

[sandylee1]

You're specifically including the night he told her he wanted a separation as one of your red flags of him being a horrible person. In your estimation, is separation and divorce always mental cruelty?

 

Separation is going to involve abandoning your spouse and having plans on what would have been their birthday/anniversary/otherholidays.

 

There's no issue with divorce or seperation...but you don't need to tell your spouse you didnt miss them while away for a long while...or that you have plans on their birthday that don't include them.

 

He's being cruel to his wife and the OP knows it...hence she's said those things.

 

So on one of the days he said he didnt love her... what of all the other times?

 

He's rubbing it in her face... let him get on with filing for divorce and stop being so nasty.

[PhoenixRising8]

I have to be honest I'm not seeing what's so great about this MM, you met on a dating website, doesn't say much for his self proclaimed character as a proud family man.

 

You describe him as shy and sensitive while describing what must be absolutely torturous behaviour to his wife. Whether she suspects a physical affair or not he has obviously been flaunting you and your affair in front of her and their children.

 

I know you will find a way to justify everything because you want him but please think hard - you've just left one abusive man, do you really want to welcome another into your life, and make no mistake what your MM is doing is abuse not to mention cowardly.....

 

Why do I still think you'll still have him on that pedestal though!

 

I actually hope his wife gets a clue and throws him out, I suspect though you wouldn't see him for dust as he would be trying to win her back.

 

What’s so great? Well as i said, the first 6 months were unbelievable but the last 5 weeks since he out of the blue decided to tell the wife have been torturous. Before i could count on him to be there for me, listen to me, support me and be my best friend in addition to my lover. The connection, shared experience and understanding between us is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Its like he starts to tell me something about his life or his marriage and i know what he’s going to say because I’ve had the same expperience or feeling. It’s like we are one half of the same whole.

 

Am i going to justify everything he is currently doing? Perhaps to some degree because it took me a couple of months of back and forth with myself after the affair started to finally leave hubby. I went through all the guilt: how could i leave an old man with health problems; what will the family think; maybe there’s something i can do to make it work and so on. Perhaps i wouldnot have left as soon as i did had he not thrown our child under the buss in an effort to get to me. That was the last unforgiveable thing he did after many in the month before he finally left. So i suppose i understand what MM is going through. What i do not understand is why after the weeks of discussion we have had about this where i actually have said to him that his effort to let her down gently is in fact cruel and yet he persists because he just cant take that last stepof actually packing his bags. Just when he thinks he might, one of the kids asks why he canttry to set themarriage right or she throws a pity party like “I’m not worth trying’ and then he retreats.

 

We did “break up” for like 3 days but he was miserable and that’s how long it took him to call. I will admit though thatin the first 24 hours i did send off about a dozen texts calling him a liar, cheat and coward, among other things. Do i have him on a pedestal? Not nearly as much as i used to.

Edited October 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote

[PhoenixRising8]

Your MM is being incredibly cruel to his wife and that would worry me, because if he can treat the mother of his children like this, he'll have no problem doing the same to you.

 

You say his wife treats him like an errand boy, but look how he's treating her.

 

 

I guess i have started to ask myself whether he will at some point do the same to me. Maybe he’ll get angry with me and not talk about it and the relationship will deteriorate to the point he was at 7 months ago, find someone new and then i get that treatment. Except i can honestly say i would never tolerate that again. I did once and now that i’ve left i feel so much better.

 

As for his wife, prior to our affair, he did not do these typesof things until i turned his head. He went home every night, he did her bidding and this i know because he would complain to me that she was home all day but then she’d ask him to go way out of his way and cut into his workday to run an errand for her. He always calls when he’s driving and he called during those drives. Or she’d neglected to read a legal document related to an estate and again, with no warning, had him cut his work day short to help her get the estate ready for the following day, despite the fact he had deadlines. Maybe his current behaviour is payback. Who knows.

 

Interestingly, it was my idea that we make plans on the evening of her birthday. To be fair, he and the kids took her to brunch and an attraction she wanted to see. What i found curious was that he didnt even remember it was her birthday until i reminded him a couple of days ago. He thought about it but then opted to spend the evening and night with me under the guise of going to a sporting event with a male friend. It was a bit of a test, one which i’m trying to figure out if he passed or failed.

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

Older man, long marriage - he has too much to lose by leaving.

Is he really going to give up his cosy married existence and financial security for some woman who cheated on her husband, probably not.

How could he ever really trust her?

He knows that, so he plays the stupid game of sitting in the middle doing essentially nothing, but at the same time wreaking havoc.

He is a weak man playing with two women's lives for his own gain.

 

If this goes as it usually does, wife finds out, D-day, he either goes LC or NC, if he goes LC it will all continue until the next Dday, then he will either get chucked out and come running to you or he will throw you under the proverbial bus and go NC. If he comes running, you get him by default, but at any moment he may go back to the wife as he is so "guilty".

If he goes NC on Dday, in a bid to save his marriage, you may never hear from him again...

 

Be prepared.

 

BTW Prince Charming scoured the kingdom for Cinderella and was not happy till he found her, this guy can't even pack a bag and leave his wife...

 

I think much the same can be said about me: older woman who really had a very significant financialreason not to leave but did. I guess the abuse helped but he had abuse and neglect from her before the current payback.

 

And although i didn’t leave entirely because of MM, i cant deny he was part of the equation. Can i trust him not to cheat on me if we move from A to R? Maybe, maybe not. Good news is I know his moves so would definitely be prepared.

 

As for Prince Charming scouring the land for Cinderella, this is true. I told him just this week that as much as he is torturing his wife, if he lived me as much as he says, he wouldnt be playing yoyo with me and he would just leave. Why would youstay with someone you don’t love and not be with the one you really love?

[S2B]

He stays because he can. She will allow it and he loses too much by leaving her.

 

And he figures you'll still hang around and will see you again when things quiet down at home.

 

 

He can... and he figures you'll take the crumbs when he comes back.

[sandylee1]

Unless you are in their marriage, hearing a few phone calls and his version isn't going to tell you the reality of it.

 

He'll have told you things to justify cheating. Who actually says I have a good marriage but fancy some side action? That wouldn't go down so well really.

 

I've worked with betrayed spouses who later find emails and texts of what their spouse said to the OW/OM about them during the affair. It's a lot of lies, or twisting things to suit themselves.

 

For example one cheating H told his OW his wife refused to accompany him at a very important work event and was unsupportive. What he didn't tell the OW is his wife was pregnant and he accused her of cheating and said he wasn't sure it was his child and wanted a DNA test when the baby was born. So of course she was angry and refused to go with him.

 

You're trying to paint the picture of a woman who's treated him terribly. Is sending him on errands abuse? Or asking for help with the estate or whatever? It sounds more like laziness on her part or there may be another reason he's deliberately not telling you...

 

So what stops him saying he can't leave work due to a deadline?

 

I'm hearing excuses to justify his behaviour...You both were married and met on a dating website.. it's not great model behaviour for this proud man.

 

It was a bit of a test, one which i’m trying to figure out if he passed or failed.

 

You wanted to test if he'd put you above his wife? Mmm, that doesn't make you sound great either tbh. Would you like your daughter to be treated the way he treats his wife?

 

Feels he might take the martyr route and cause more grief to everyone, including us, just so he won't feel guilty about hurting her.

 

This is preparing you for him not leaving. I think he was only ever looking for an affair.

 

He doesn't want his kids to know he's a cheater... and he has more to lose than gain.

 

Why would he even have told you when his wife's birthday was in the first place?

 

If it was me in your shoes...I'd set a timeline in my head for him to leave. Be it 3/6 months. If he hasn't left by them...I'd move on.

 

You can go back on the dating site as a separated woman, not needing to sneak around.

 

One more thing... even if he leaves, his Ex will be ever present in your lives. The children will more than likely be on mum's side and that will impact on your relationship with him.

 

Even if they think you're ok as a person...they will be loyal to mum if they know you're the OW. Unless he's prepared to leave and keep you under wraps for a good while..then act like he's just met you, it won't be a pleasant ride.

[elaine567]

Why would you stay with someone you don’t love

 

 

Because for many MM it may be "love" with the OW, but is is not the kind of a love you leave your wife and kids for.

That is often the problem.

Wife and kids in one "love" box, OW in another "love" box and ne'er the twain shall meet

It is fun being in fantasy land and future faking with the OW, but when they hit the brick wall of reality, the thought of owning up to the affair to everyone, packing bags and walking out for good from all that is familiar is too much.

Many do not want to be seen as the "bad" guy either, that doesn't sit well.

 

 

They did not have an affair to swap partners, they were in an affair for "extra", so it is kind of spoiled when he finds himself channelled down the divorce/separation route by the OW who believed every single word of his stories.

It was all just a bit of fun, no-one was supposed to really get hurt...

[Amethyst68]

So the impression I'm getting note is that this MM is actually very weak and doesn't have much of a stand up character. You also don't have any problem with inserting yourself into their marriage.

 

 

This man need to stop this petty and cruel behaviour, if this is his idea of letting his wife downgently God help her if he turns his version of nasty.

 

 

Does she know about you or is she tying to fight aa battle with an enemy she doesn't even know exists? Yet another level of abuse!

[elaine567]

Seems to me many OW and MM fool themselves into thinking the BW knows and is somehow accepting or even condoning the affair.

But when the proverbial hits the fan it is obvious that they had no idea and they are completely blindsided and devastated.

It is something MM men have said on here, they are shocked to see their wife crumble before their very eyes when they tell her, they had persuaded themselves that she knew and didn't care.

 

Marriages are built on trust and that trust is often blind.

The OW and MM know they are in an affair, the BW is very often oblivious as that is the last thing on her mind, especially in a long marriage and she has had no previous reason to worry.

[PhoenixRising8]

He'll have told you things to justify cheating. Who actually says I have a good marriage but fancy some side action? That wouldn't go down so well really.

 

It was a bit of a test, one which i’m trying to figure out if he passed or failed.

 

You wanted to test if he'd put you above his wife? Mmm, that doesn't make you sound great either tbh. Would you like your daughter to be treated the way he treats his wife?

 

Feels he might take the martyr route and cause more grief to everyone, including us, just so he won't feel guilty about hurting her.

 

This is preparing you for him not leaving. I think he was only ever looking for an affair.

 

Why would he even have told you when his wife's birthday was in the first place?

 

If it was me in your shoes...I'd set a timeline in my head for him to leave. Be it 3/6 months. If he hasn't left by them...I'd move on.

 

.

 

I guess I go by my own experience. My marriage truly was bad and I suppose an affair was really an exit strategy. I finally found the nerve to leave. Perhaps naively I believe he was doing the same. I heard him confirm on his call that they hadn't been sleeping in the same room for three years so I assume that to be the truth. Why else would he say it to his kid who lives at home and would know if that weren't true.

 

The test was more about seeing his reaction than actually expecting him to follow through. What I was surprised by is that he didn't even remember it was her birthday until I reminded him 2 days before. Then he went ahead and told her (after I reminded him) that he was making plans anyway. How do you forget the birthday of your spouse of 28 years? I didn't forget my husband's birthday ever.

 

We were reading horoscopes one day and I asked about her. Turns out my spouse and his share the same birthday.

 

I do have a timeline in mind but I doubt it's anywhere close to 6 months. Maybe not even as long as 3. The fact I am on here getting unbiased opinions should suggest I am rethinking my opinion of him. Do I think he will ever leave? I'm really not very confident he will .... and if he does I'm seriously questioning if it will be for good in any case.

[PhoenixRising8]

 

They did not have an affair to swap partners, they were in an affair for "extra", so it is kind of spoiled when he finds himself channelled down the divorce/separation route by the OW who believed every single word of his stories.

It was all just a bit of fun, no-one was supposed to really get hurt...

 

i was not the one that suggested he leave. He did that all on his own. I guess the heat in the kitchen is more than he thought it would be.

[PhoenixRising8]

So the impression I'm getting note is that this MM is actually very weak and doesn't have much of a stand up character. You also don't have any problem with inserting yourself into their marriage.

 

 

This man need to stop this petty and cruel behaviour, if this is his idea of letting his wife downgently God help her if he turns his version of nasty.

 

 

Does she know about you or is she tying to fight aa battle with an enemy she doesn't even know exists? Yet another level of abuse!

 

I agree - no backbone and that concerns me. Passive aggressive behaviour is not a recipe for a good outcome.

 

I suspect she knows there's someone else because she's asked and he's denied because he doesn't want the kids to know he's cheating. She's also brought up several tales of cheating, including that of her own father but her parents worked it out. She also made the comment a few days ago about him wanting to trade in the current model. I'd be surprised if she didn't know.

 

As for inserting myself into his marriage, he did the same in mine. It isn't right but it's the decision we made to deal with our unhappiness. You can't insert yourself into a marriage if you aren't allowed to and we both allowed it. But it's too late for a redo. Marriages should be ended first. I know that now. At the time I believed it was a way to save the marriage but it definitely didn't do that for me.