Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[elaine567]

i was not the one that suggested he leave. He did that all on his own. I guess the heat in the kitchen is more than he thought it would be.

 

 

He was prompted to do that because you left your husband and to maintain credibility, he had to make moves to do the same, only it ain't that easy.

 

I guess he doesn't really have an abusive wife breathing down his neck making his life a misery...

[PhoenixRising8]

He was prompted to do that because you left your husband and to maintain credibility, he had to make moves to do the same, only it ain't that easy.

 

I guess he doesn't really have an abusive wife breathing down his neck making his life a misery...

 

I'm not sure how telling someone they're leaving their wife if they have no intention of doing so gains them any credibility but I suppose the mind can rationalize anything.

[elaine567]

I'm not sure how telling someone they're leaving their wife if they have no intention of doing so gains them any credibility but I suppose the mind can rationalize anything.

 

If he told the truth and said, "I don't know if I will ever actually leave" or "I will definitely never leave" then the chances are you are not going to stick around, are you? Though saying that some do as they "know" they can change his mind, but that can backfire, they get very hurt and he says "Well I already told you I was never leaving."

 

I think some MM are surprised when the OW takes the future faking seriously, to them it was all just part of the fantasy and fun, some are just too lily livered to leave (despite promising the earth), and some are just cake eaters who enjoy having two besotted women in tow and are happy with the status quo, and will say anything to maintain it.

 

It works well as it appeals to the ego.

"I am not just the woman on the side I am the future Mrs MM..., I will stick around no matter what, as it is too good an opportunity to pass up. I have invested too much to just give up now, I deserve this, I love him and he loves me..." and so she waits...

[brigit87]

It works well as it appeals to the ego.

"I am not just the woman on the side I am the future Mrs MM..., I will stick around no matter what, as it is too good an opportunity to pass up. I have invested too much to just give up now, I deserve this, I love him and he loves me..." and so she waits...

 

Yep except the OP doesn't sound like a happily ego-stroked mistress. She sounds like she's living in limbo and doesn't know what to do next.

 

Relationships shouldn't be this confusing and drama filled. If so much agony has to go into simply being together or not then something is very wrong. I guess OP doesn't want to feel lonely so she grasps on hoping for more. But once you get what you want "him" you can easily lose him to another woman. Past behavior predicts future behavior.

[S2B]

So is he staying or leaving?

 

IF he's at home right now - he's staying!

 

He's right where he intends to be... and any talk of leaving is him lying/future faking = believe that!

[elaine567]

Yep except the OP doesn't sound like a happily ego-stroked mistress. She sounds like she's living in limbo and doesn't know what to do next.

I don't think many are "happily ego-stroked" they are often in limbo/hell as the

 

words and actions do not match up.

[PhoenixRising8]

So is he staying or leaving?

 

IF he's at home right now - he's staying!

 

He's right where he intends to be... and any talk of leaving is him lying/future faking = believe that!

 

Therein lies my dilemma ... to the best of my knowledge, he has put my needs above his wife's time and time again. When I was separating he was there for me being supportive and always listening. Even now he is that way. Just because I'm separated doesn't mean my ex is any less abusive or intrusive. We continue to see each other 4 or 5 times a week for hours on end and no, it isn't in bed all the time. Mostly it isn't. We go for hikes, dinners, movies, theatre and he has no issue with PDA. The last week or so, he has been much less scattered and confused and sure of what he wants, which he says is me. But he has a a major case he is preparing for in the next couple of weeks so he is avoiding discussions with the wife and adult kids so he isn't distracted by the fall out.

 

I also remember how much back and forth I did with myself (3months worth) when I finally broached the subject with hubby so I'm giving him some slack. Maybe he needs time to work through it like I did. Then I read the forums and the statistics and I'm not so sure.

 

I also said the same thing to him: if he wanted to be with me he would be. Maybe he's exactly where he wants to be. Of course he denies it. I've never caught him lying so who knows. But I'm am preparing myself.

[PhoenixRising8]

I think some MM are surprised when the OW takes the future faking seriously, to them it was all just part of the fantasy and fun, some are just too lily livered to leave (despite promising the earth), and some are just cake eaters who enjoy having two besotted women in tow and are happy with the status quo, and will say anything to maintain it.

 

It works well as it appeals to the ego.

"I am not just the woman on the side I am the future Mrs MM..., I will stick around no matter what, as it is too good an opportunity to pass up. I have invested too much to just give up now, I deserve this, I love him and he loves me..." and so she waits...

 

I seriously doubt he's a cake eater or at his age this wouldn't be his first affair. Yes I believe that to be true because if it were habitual he would be much more adept at the game than he is.

 

As I said, when he brought up the notion of us forever, I wasn't even thinking that way because my ex still hadn't quite left so he really had no reason to. And he and I had a NSA agreement from day one. I knew I cared for him deeply but it just wasn't something I was ready to think about. And when he told his wife, he kind of jumped in without having planned it out - she gave him an opening and he took it, then figured out he really wasn't prepared for what came next: no place to stay, no credit cards or bank accounts that aren't joint, nothing to say to the kids when they said that mom wants to try, why doesn't he.

 

I have no illusions - to the whole world I am nothing but the bit on the side. Perhaps naively, I don't think he sees me that way. But no, I don't see myself as the future Mrs MM. After 2 failed marriages (first 1 I was young and it only lasted 3 years) I am not looking for a third. I do not want to be bound to someone because of a piece of paper. I want to be bound to someone because of love and true compatibility; because I want to be, not because a marriage certificate says I must be. 5 weeks notwithstanding, this truly has been an easy relationship.

 

Wish I had a crystal ball ...

[PhoenixRising8]

 

Relationships shouldn't be this confusing and drama filled. If so much agony has to go into simply being together or not then something is very wrong. I guess OP doesn't want to feel lonely so she grasps on hoping for more. But once you get what you want "him" you can easily lose him to another woman. Past behavior predicts future behavior.

 

Being alone is not something I'm afraid of. It's miles better than being in a toxic marriage or relationship. I'm self supporting so there's that. I actually am holding on for the time being because I love him and think there's hope for us but the truth is that deep down I know this is all a house of cards that can be blown over any minute.

[brigit87]

Being alone is not something I'm afraid of. It's miles better than being in a toxic marriage or relationship. I'm self supporting so there's that. I actually am holding on for the time being because I love him and think there's hope for us but the truth is that deep down I know this is all a house of cards that can be blown over any minute.

 

But you are in a toxic relationship. Don't you see that?

[PhoenixRising8]

But you are in a toxic relationship. Don't you see that?

 

I didn’t see the first 6 months (and still don’t) as toxic. The last 5 weeks I saw as him trying to get his act together, but now that you mention it ... maybe that’s exactly what it is. Not in the same way as with my ex but toxic all the same :-(

[brigit87]

I didn’t see the first 6 months (and still don’t) as toxic. The last 5 weeks I saw as him trying to get his act together, but now that you mention it ... maybe that’s exactly what it is. Not in the same way as with my ex but toxic all the same :-(

 

It is a bad relationship. You can do better.

[S2B]

So you thought you'd never be in an affair...yet you are.... and YOU continue to choose being in an affair.

 

Why does any gal continue in an affair when you really thought you'd never do it?

 

And after fully realizing you are his mistress - why do you KEEP being an OW?

[PhoenixRising8]

So you thought you'd never be in an affair...yet you are.... and YOU continue to choose being in an affair.

 

Why does any gal continue in an affair when you really thought you'd never do it?

 

And after fully realizing you are his mistress - why do you KEEP being an OW?

 

I chose to have an affair because I wanted to feel human again. After years of neglect and abuse I thought it was the only way to stay in my marriage without sinking into oblivion and so did he. And for the first time in a long time, I felt alive; I laughed; I could talk to someone and relate on a level I never could with my ex; wanted to hear music again.

 

Why do I keep being the other woman? Because I truly do love him like I haven't loved anyone before and I've always believed he loved me. He put my needs and desires first and he continues to do so.

 

He came over last night. His wife was angry and frustrated with him for going to "John's" again for the 4th Saturday night in a row. She wanted to know if he would be home, as he hadn't been the previous 3 Saturdays. And then wondered if maybe John was in fact Joanne. He left anyway. By the time he arrived, he was guilt-ridden again. I told him he was free to leave and go back to his wife. After standing in the hall for half an hour, he admitted he couldn't leave because this is where he wants to be. Unlike the previous 3 Saturdays, she didn't call or text. And when he texted he wasn't coming home, she didn't respond. He's going into the office now and won't be home until likely 4. She again didn't respond to the text he was going to the office. I suppose tonight may be a watershed moment in their marriage.

 

Edit: she finally texted and they spoke. Despite the fact that she is upset, he still didn't go home but went to work and called me. If he stays with her, it really would make no sense.

 

Maybe naively, I believe his actions are more indicative of what he wants. He leaves her, despite her anger but won't leave me, even when I tell him to. Or maybe I'm just so confused and can't get clear. Maybe I just haven't worked through how to leave him. Maybe he treats me more like the only one rather than the other one. Leaving is easier said than done ...

Edited October 28, 2018 by LilKatKat

[Amethyst68]

Really? You told him to go? You put him out of your house and went on with your life till he decided to stay? No - didn't think so. I don't mean to be harsh but I thought he'd already told her he was leaving. All this gaslighting is just cruel to both women, you deserve better.

 

MM does this because he enjoys it, he loves knowing he's got his wife at home probably breaking at heart and in the meantime he's putting on the performance of a lifetime in front of you culminating in him gifting you the prize of him staying for the night.

[PhoenixRising8]

Really? You told him to go? You put him out of your house and went on with your life till he decided to stay? No - didn't think so. I don't mean to be harsh but I thought he'd already told her he was leaving. All this gaslighting is just cruel to both women, you deserve better.

 

MM does this because he enjoys it, he loves knowing he's got his wife at home probably breaking at heart and in the meantime he's putting on the performance of a lifetime in front of you culminating in him gifting you the prize of him staying for the night.

 

He did tell her he was leaving and he's given her no visible evidence he wants to reconcile. A man who wants to reconcile doesn't do what he does. Even today, he opted to go to the office instead of stopping off at home first to check on his spouse who is obviously upset.

 

That said, the time has come to go NC. If he can walk away from the woman he professes is the love of his life in favour of one he says he can barely spend time with, and has done everything possible to avoid in the last 6 weeks then he should go for it. I've said to him that if and when he decides his marriage is not salvageable he shouldn't contact me if he isn't actually separated because I'm not doing this anymore.

 

A part of me knows this is the right thing to do but now the hard part begins. Despite everything, I love him and want him, but not like this.

 

I actually find it hard to believe anyone can enjoy stringing 2 women along. Maybe a habitual cheater but not a first timer. The reason for the affair was wrong on both our sides but I guess one good thing came of it. I finally got the courage to leave my husband. Now I need to find the courage to move on. Not sure how to do that ...

Edited October 28, 2018 by LilKatKat

[PhoenixRising8]

Feeling very empty right now. I honestly never thought it would come to this.

Edited October 28, 2018 by LilKatKat

[S2B]

Says he's leaving but doesn't leave = he's staying.

 

This where actions and words don't match = a liar.

 

 

A simple equation and conclusion.

 

 

You have evidence he went to the office instead of home?

 

 

He sounds like a conflict avoiding type.

 

He also looks like a cake eater.

[PhoenixRising8]

Says he's leaving but doesn't leave = he's staying.

 

This where actions and words don't match = a liar.

 

 

A simple equation and conclusion.

 

 

You have evidence he went to the office instead of home?

 

 

He sounds like a conflict avoiding type.

 

He also looks like a cake eater.

 

Yes, he went to the office. He called on the way there and spoke to me while he was disarming the alarm system. I also spoke to him 2 hours ago. I called him and he answered. We spoke for an hour. He wouldn't have answered and talked that long if he were at home.

 

Yes, definitely conflict avoidant, no question. I'm sure his wife knows all she has to do to keep the marriage going is not provoke anything and keep him feeling guilty and separation will not happen.

 

As for not leaving, he didn't plan anything before he dropped the bomb initially. She opened the door and he walked through. She backtracked and since he had nowhere to go, he stayed. I think if he'd planned it, it might have stuck but I guess we will never know ...

 

Cake eater? I didn't think so but now it seems that is the case. Wonder how long he will go NC and how the reconciliation will work out for him. If it's as bad as he made out, I don't see it has a hope.

[Artdeco]

Really? You told him to go? You put him out of your house and went on with your life till he decided to stay? No - didn't think so. I don't mean to be harsh but I thought he'd already told her he was leaving. All this gaslighting is just cruel to both women, you deserve better.

 

MM does this because he enjoys it, he loves knowing he's got his wife at home probably breaking at heart and in the meantime he's putting on the performance of a lifetime in front of you culminating in him gifting you the prize of him staying for the night.

 

I seriously doubt that. He doesn’t act like he’s enjoying it at all. I know this is the standard notion for married men who cheat, but in many cases, especially in this one, I don’t see it at all. Sorry. He’s not enjoying it. He’s super conflicted. Big difference.

[PhoenixRising8]

I seriously doubt that. He doesn’t act like he’s enjoying it at all. I know this is the standard notion for married men who cheat, but in many cases, especially in this one, I don’t see it at all. Sorry. He’s not enjoying it. He’s super conflicted. Big difference.

 

How can he be conflicted? How can he not show up for Mother's Day brunch with the family to talk to me, leave her cooling her jets at a gas for almost half an hour, again talking to me, change their plans for her birthday so he can spend the evening with me, spend 7 nights away from home in the last 25, not stop off at home today when he knows she's upset, leave her last night when he knows she's angry and be conflicted. How does this sound like a man who wants to give his marriage a chance? He even admits his actions don't give much hope. So what is he doing? What is he conflicted about? If I could make sense of it, I could accept it better.

[Artdeco]

OP: he’s been married for a long time and he has this sense of responsibility for the family. A divorce is not an easy thing to follow through with. Just think about your own divorce, or your husband moving out. It was a long, drawn out process and it wasn’t easy I’m sure. And for him, never having had an affair, always been married to the same woman and probably faithful, now he has to leave her and not only leave her, but he wants to leave her because he has somebody else who he feels in love with. That’s why he’s conflicted. There is a lot of guilt. I think you should cut him some slack. But you should also give him some room so he can make his own decisions. It worked for me. That’s all I can say.

 

I mean, after all, your MM has asked his wife for a divorce. I think that says a lot.

[PhoenixRising8]

OP: he’s been married for a long time and he has this sense of responsibility for the family. A divorce is not an easy thing to follow through with. Just think about your own divorce, or your husband moving out. It was a long, drawn out process and it wasn’t easy I’m sure. And for him, never having had an affair, always been married to the same woman and probably faithful, now he has to leave her and not only leave her, but he wants to leave her because he has somebody else who he feels in love with. That’s why he’s conflicted. There is a lot of guilt. I think you should cut him some slack. But you should also give him some room so he can make his own decisions. It worked for me. That’s all I can say.

 

I mean, after all, your MM has asked his wife for a divorce. I think that says a lot.

 

Thanks Artdeco.

 

When you say cut him some slack and give him room, do you mean NC so he can sort out what he really wants? It seems obvious to me that is us, not them. Or am I just seeing what I want to see? Do I try to get over him or hope that with some time he "sees the light"? It's all so overwhelming.

 

How does his asking for a separation/divorce mean anything when he decided to not move out, despite not being prepared? Everyone says if he wanted to leave he would. I don't disagree with that.

 

I take it your A became an R. How long did it take? Did you go NC? How did you get through that. I can't believe I saw him only 6 hours ago and won't again for who knows how long, if ever. We've spent the last 7 months (except for my 2 out of town trips) seeing each other 4-6 times a week and from today on, nothing. How do you go from that to nothing. When we spoke a few hours ago, only less than 3 hours after he left, he ended the call by saying he misses me already. How is he not going to miss me, or me him for the foreseeable future? If we ever see each other again ...

[elaine567]

What is he set to lose here if he divorces?

It may not just be about the wife.

Home, assets, pension plan, social standing, friends, relationship with his kids, his neighbours, his garden, his pets... etc.

This is a big wrench, total disruption of life as he knows it, and for what? - the unknown...

[Artdeco]

Thanks Artdeco.

 

When you say cut him some slack and give him room, do you mean NC so he can sort out what he really wants? It seems obvious to me that is us, not them. Or am I just seeing what I want to see? Do I try to get over him or hope that with some time he "sees the light"? It's all so overwhelming.

 

How does his asking for a separation/divorce mean anything when he decided to not move out, despite not being prepared? Everyone says if he wanted to leave he would. I don't disagree with that.

 

I take it your A became an R. How long did it take? Did you go NC? How did you get through that. I can't believe I saw him only 6 hours ago and won't again for who knows how long, if ever. We've spent the last 7 months (except for my 2 out of town trips) seeing each other 4-6 times a week and from today on, nothing. How do you go from that to nothing. When we spoke a few hours ago, only less than 3 hours after he left, he ended the call by saying he misses me already. How is he not going to miss me, or me him for the foreseeable future? If we ever see each other again ...

 

When I said give him room and space I am saying that you shouldn’t push him to do anything or even push him to keep you informed on the ongoing events. If he wants to talk he wants to talk. Be there then. If not, don’t ask any questions. Unless you really have to. I mean, if you need your questions answered then he should be there for you. And yes , my A turned into an R, but it took a few years, because he had kids, he had assets, he didn’t dislike his W - And neither did his wife dislike him. They were very much a functioning couple. But apparently certain things were missing. And she knew it too. And at some point she understood that a divorce is what he wanted, and as a consequence, a divorce was what she needed as well, in order to be able to Move on.

 

It just took time. And that’s something to be expected. And it was always something I could easily deal with. Because I had my career, I had my friends, I had my life, and he always knew that I was an independent person. I wasn’t waiting around for him. But he just wanted to be with me. Period.