brigit87 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Since the plan is that he move in with me, I guess he'll have to cheat in order to accomplish that. However, I know his moves so it won't take me long to figure it out and he'll be out on the street so fast it will give him whiplash. Don't be surprised if that happens. This could be an "exit affair" for him. When you're dealing with cheating anything is fair game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Don't be surprised if that happens. This could be an "exit affair" for him. When you're dealing with cheating anything is fair game. Fair enough. It could be the case with me also since we were both with our spouses when the affair began. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Since the plan is that he move in with me, I guess he'll have to cheat in order to accomplish that. However, I know his moves so it won't take me long to figure it out and he'll be out on the street so fast it will give him whiplash. Has he told Dick and Jane of the plan to move straight in with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Has he told Dick and Jane of the plan to move straight in with you? No he hasn't. Why is it any of their business? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 No he hasn't. Why is it any of their business? It isn't really, but if he had told his close friends about his plan, then it may be more likely to happen. BUT saying that, he may be waiting to see what his wife has to say, when they have the next "talk". Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 (edited) It isn't really, but if he had told his close friends about his plan, then it may be more likely to happen. BUT saying that, he may be waiting to see what his wife has to say, when they have the next "talk". I suspect he doesn't want it to get back to her. The reason he wants out of the marriage isn't me. The state of their marriage resulted in me. I don't think his wife will have many pleasantries today as he left yesterday at 6:30 and didn't return until 2:30 this afternoon. Looks like by his actions he's actually trying to bring things to a head. Edited November 4, 2018 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 I suspect he doesn't want it to get back to her. The reason he wants out of the marriage isn't me. The state of their marriage resulted in me. I don't think his wife will have many pleasantries today as he left yesterday at 6:30 and didn't return until 2:30 this afternoon. Looks like by his actions he's actually trying to bring things to a head. OK but it is all pretty passive aggressive stuff and that isn't usually a good trait. He's like the naughty school boy staying out late to make his mother upset. Too weak to tell her to her face that he will be late home. At least schoolboys have the excuse of being very young. I guess, by behaving badly, he wants her to pull the plug on the marriage... I know you hate her and think she deserves all she is getting, but there are two sides to every story. He is not exactly covering himself in glory here, by these passive aggressive, weak and nasty, hurtful actions, is he? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 You keep saying your affair is no-one's business but his, you've said it about his friends and his children, as if they'll never find out. What do you think will happen if he does leave and move in with you? Do you honestly think there'll be no repercussions or consequences? It's almost like you have blinkers on that if you get to this point then that'll be the end of it. It won't, you may actually be entering the most stressful part of the relationship yet! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 You keep saying your affair is no-one's business but his, you've said it about his friends and his children, as if they'll never find out. What do you think will happen if he does leave and move in with you? Do you honestly think there'll be no repercussions or consequences? It's almost like you have blinkers on that if you get to this point then that'll be the end of it. It won't, you may actually be entering the most stressful part of the relationship yet! I agree. Everyone including kids may be hugely supportive of a man in a failing "past it's sell by date" marriage but add in an OW and it can change the complexion of the situation completely. Dick and his wife's friend Jane will not be happy they have been duped into supporting a cheater either I guess... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 OK but it is all pretty passive aggressive stuff and that isn't usually a good trait. He's like the naughty school boy staying out late to make his mother upset. Too weak to tell her to her face that he will be late home. At least schoolboys have the excuse of being very young. I guess, by behaving badly, he wants her to pull the plug on the marriage... I know you hate her and think she deserves all she is getting, but there are two sides to every story. He is not exactly covering himself in glory here, by these passive aggressive, weak and nasty, hurtful actions, is he? I don't hate her but I do feel sorry for her because by all accounts she had a good husband for 28 years and obviously didn't value that by her actions, as even their close friends acknowledged. He is being passive aggressive, which is not unusual for conflict avoidant types. Is there a better way to handle this on his part? Yes, absolutely. I guess I've seen desperate people do things that are out of character. Maybe that's how I've interpreted his behaviour. Yes, there are two sides to every story. His part in all of this is he kept quiet when he should have spoken up. And then he removed himself physically by spending more time on physical activity, work and left the bedroom, all classic signs of a failing marriage. Both should have made an effort years ago but it appears there isn't much to salvage any longer. He should have spoken up; she should have pressed for answers. There was talk of marriage counselling 7 weeks ago but neither pursued that option. Doesn't appear either has any real interest in putting in the work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 You keep saying your affair is no-one's business but his, you've said it about his friends and his children, as if they'll never find out. What do you think will happen if he does leave and move in with you? Do you honestly think there'll be no repercussions or consequences? It's almost like you have blinkers on that if you get to this point then that'll be the end of it. It won't, you may actually be entering the most stressful part of the relationship yet! I am aware of the risks but we've agreed if we get to that point we will do what needs to be done to keep it on the down low for a period of time. It may not work but we won't know unless we try. Problem is there's no way out at this point without people getting hurt. If I had it to do all over again, I would have ended my marriage before getting involved with someone and that someone would not be married or recently separated. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 How do you keep something like this on the downlow from his children? If he moves out and they're on good terms they'll be wanting to help him establish himself first of all and then visit to make sure he's ok. Or is he planning to disappear in the night? You might be able to keep it quiet from friends got a while but his kids, I doubt it. A friend of mine did this, it failed spectacularly. Although my friend did marry her man the relationship with his children was ruined, he admits he handled things in the wrong way but it's too late now. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 I suspect he doesn't want it to get back to her. The reason he wants out of the marriage isn't me. The state of their marriage resulted in me. I don't think his wife will have many pleasantries today as he left yesterday at 6:30 and didn't return until 2:30 this afternoon. Looks like by his actions he's actually trying to bring things to a head. Seems to me he is passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. He's trying to provoke her, and make things her fault. Do you live in a fault state? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 Seems to me he is passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. He's trying to provoke her, and make things her fault. Do you live in a fault state? We have both fault and no fault. Fault filings are for either adultery or mental cruelty and there is no waiting period however due to the cost and proceedings involved, very few opt for fault. No fault is much easier and cheaper. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Forgive me if I'm wrong (I've not read back through the thread) but did you not say it's financially better for him if she files? Is that what he's trying to achieve with this passive aggressive nonsense? At the moment, as an outsider with no investment in their relationship I'd say he's doing pretty well on the mental cruelty aspect! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Oh Lord... Of course, the wife is just a lazy woman who sits on her a$$ and does nothing but posts stupid Facebook posts. It must be nice to have a front row seat in their home. Clueless OW. You have some actions... what you do not see is the actions being done behind your back. Let me clue you into something... she didnt have a perfect husband who she took advantage of... he is a cheater!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FITT5559 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Are you a SOW or MOW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 Oh Lord... Of course, the wife is just a lazy woman who sits on her a$$ and does nothing but posts stupid Facebook posts. It must be nice to have a front row seat in their home. Clueless OW. You have some actions... what you do not see is the actions being done behind your back. Let me clue you into something... she didnt have a perfect husband who she took advantage of... he is a cheater!!!! I've seen the state of her house and her fb feed so I'm not as clueless as you think, but thanks for the caution. And no, she doesn't have a perfect spouse now ... she had one that was pretty close 7 months ago, as did my own BS who is the first to admit it now. To bad we sometimes only figure out what we had when we no longer have it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 Are you a SOW or MOW? I was married when the affair started. I am now happily separated from the narcissist I had the misfortune of marrying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 Forgive me if I'm wrong (I've not read back through the thread) but did you not say it's financially better for him if she files? Is that what he's trying to achieve with this passive aggressive nonsense? At the moment, as an outsider with no investment in their relationship I'd say he's doing pretty well on the mental cruelty aspect! No I didn't say he's better off if she files. I said he's better off financially if he does in fact separate and split the assets as he will extricate himself from some debt and new housing and support are not an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 No I didn't say he's better off if she files. I said he's better off financially if he does in fact separate and split the assets as he will extricate himself from some debt and new housing and support are not an issue. But to do that he has to sell the house, and his wife and both kids will have to move out of the family home, as she cannot afford to pay him off. He will not have a mortgage and can pay off his debts with the equity, but he will then be effectively your lodger. (I hope you are not thinking of putting him on your mortgage or on the title deeds...) I can see why he is stalling, he will be starting almost from scratch and will be relying on you to provide a roof over his head. As soon as he makes his kids homeless, and moves in with you, he will have a tough job persuading them he is the good guy here. If this relationship with you turns sour, which it very well might do (it is a new relationship and both of you have a load of baggage), he will be in no man's land. Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 But to do that he has to sell the house, and his wife and both kids will have to move out of the family home, as she cannot afford to pay him off. He will not have a mortgage and can pay off his debts with the equity, but he will then be effectively your lodger. (I hope you are not thinking of putting him on your mortgage or on the title deeds...) I can see why he is stalling, he will be starting almost from scratch and will be relying on you to provide a roof over his head. As soon as he makes his kids homeless, and moves in with you, he will have a tough job persuading them he is the good guy here. If this relationship with you turns sour, which it very well might do (it is a new relationship and both of you have a load of baggage), he will be in no man's land. Sounds horrible. This dude make a very bad mess and his kids are going to pay for it. Very sad. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 And no, she doesn't have a perfect spouse now ... she had one that was pretty close 7 months ago, as did my own BS who is the first to admit it now. To bad we sometimes only figure out what we had when we no longer have it. Well then, the two of you will deserve each other. Two "perfect" partners, both of whom have lied, cheated, and are now hoping to form an "imperfect" union. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 So many assumptions... They have a larger house than they need so she can easily afford to downsize. She can’t even keep the house clean and tidy much less maintain a house that size. The kids are adults in their mid to late 20s so it’s not like they won’t be out on their own sooner rather than later. Maybe he should just be miserable the rest of his life and make them miserable as well... And no, I’m not stupid enough to put him on my title. We shall see what happens this week. She is insistent on going away for the weekend for his birthday. He has said no but she keeps bringing it up, even after what happened on her birthday a couple of weeks ago. He has told me he plans to tell her this week in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t wish to continue the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 Well then, the two of you will deserve each other. Two "perfect" partners, both of whom have lied, cheated, and are now hoping to form an "imperfect" union. We were both good to our spouses for a very long time. Neither of us are liars by nature which just makes this even more stressful. But thanks for the understanding. An affair wasn’t the answer but that’s hindsight isn’t it? Yes we lied and cheated and we are now paying the price. It’s not something either of us are going to repeat. Once a cheater always a cheater paints broad strokes over all cheaters. Not everyone who cheats repeats their mistakes. Something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
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