Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[anika99]

That was a really touching letter his wife wrote. I don't know how both of you could read it and not feel awful. I know if I was deceiving someone and that person gave me a letter calling me an amazing, moral and principled parent and spouse I would feel like a hypocritical jerk.

 

The two of you just glommed onto the part where she admits her shortcomings. I see both you and your MM lack the maturity or insight to admit of any of your own flaws. When another poster asked you to look deeper into yourself you were unable to do that. Instead you just heaped more blame on your spouse. So I can see why you and your MM were both so gleeful at seeing his wife be the first one to take the high road and admit her own mistakes, something you and your MM are incapable of.

 

So now it's not just the clingy needy wife keeping you from your true love. Now he has a pathetic dependent son. Lol...the excuses are never going to end. Pretty soon the family dog is going to desperately need him too. That selfish dog!! Seriously though, I hope for your sake that you wise up and stop believing in this selfish cruel man.

[Amethyst68]

Believe it or not I do want you to have the best life possible. You had what seemed a good workable plan of NC and then your trip away, NC of not even 2 months but you didn't manage 1 day...

 

Did you even go on the date you arranged?

 

But the disrespect in reading the BS's letter cannot be denied, or her love for him. As an outsider looking in this just makes him look a man of extremely low character but you persist in seeing him as a good moral man, you may be the only one!

[BaileyB]

That was a really touching letter his wife wrote. I don't know how both of you could read it and not feel awful. I know if I was deceiving someone and that person gave me a letter calling me an amazing, moral and principled parent and spouse I would feel like a hypocritical jerk.

 

Also my thought. Boy, if she only knew the truth of who this man really is... I’m not sure how he could read her words and not feel awful - about himself, and the way he is betraying his spouse.

 

My other thought - you pass a lot of judgment on this woman when you should be looking at your own behavior... the person who should be apologizing and trying to make amends is most definitely not his wife.

[S2B]

Her letter reads like a woman who "believes" her husband is trying to reconcile with her!

 

A sweet love note - of sorts - reminding him that life is good with him as her husband.

 

 

It does NOT read like a woman that knows she is going through with a divorce.

[BTDT2012]

Sharing her letter with you only shows how low he is.

[ABernie]

I'm not going to pass judgment on the situation, but OP, we all live out own individual lives. We see things from our POV. Sometimes our sight and gut is right and sometimes others can see it clearer.

 

IDK which one is the case for you, but I always feel bad when all the comments are not as supportive as they could be {{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[S2B]

Only stay if you prefer to be his OW forever... because that is all you'll get from this affair!

 

He has NO reason to leave his wife.

 

The letter confirms she doesn't think he's leaving the marriage.

 

 

Not one thing he's done indicates he plans to leave her!

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm not going to pass judgment on the situation, but OP, we all live out own individual lives. We see things from our POV. Sometimes our sight and gut is right and sometimes others can see it clearer.

 

IDK which one is the case for you, but I always feel bad when all the comments are not as supportive as they could be {{{{{{hugs}}}}}

 

Thank you for your kind words. There aren’t many of those on this thread. I’m only trying to figure out what to do when my heart says one thing but my mind is what is conflicted. Unfortunately, must be a lot of BS on this thread given how I am being vilified.

[PhoenixRising8]

Only stay if you prefer to be his OW forever... because that is all you'll get from this affair!

 

He has NO reason to leave his wife.

 

The letter confirms she doesn't think he's leaving the marriage.

 

 

Not one thing he's done indicates he plans to leave her!

 

She said she “hopes” he will give reconciliation a try and they can grow old together. That suggests to me she isn’t sure he isn’t leaving. And maybe he has no reason to leave other than being in a loveless lifeless marriage.

[Orokotikki]

And maybe he has no reason to leave other than being in a loveless lifeless marriage.

 

Yeah, nothing like a third wheel to kill the love in a marriage. Or to keep it dead for that matter.

[PhoenixRising8]

That was a really touching letter his wife wrote. I don't know how both of you could read it and not feel awful. I know if I was deceiving someone and that person gave me a letter calling me an amazing, moral and principled parent and spouse I would feel like a hypocritical jerk.

 

The two of you just glommed onto the part where she admits her shortcomings. I see both you and your MM lack the maturity or insight to admit of any of your own flaws. When another poster asked you to look deeper into yourself you were unable to do that. Instead you just heaped more blame on your spouse. So I can see why you and your MM were both so gleeful at seeing his wife be the first one to take the high road and admit her own mistakes, something you and your MM are incapable of.

 

So now it's not just the clingy needy wife keeping you from your true love. Now he has a pathetic dependent son. Lol...the excuses are never going to end. Pretty soon the family dog is going to desperately need him too. That selfish dog!! Seriously though, I hope for your sake that you wise up and stop believing in this selfish cruel man.

 

Yes we are both vile narcissistic hypocrites who only assign flaws and blame to others and don’t look at our own behaviours...

 

You have no idea what I put up with for years so let me tell you ( and this is just the tip of the iceberg ): being threatened with abandonment whenever the ex didn’t get his way, being told by him he should kill himself and having to extricate syringes and knives from his hand ( once when I was 6 months pregnant), my child being witness to the threats to leave which escalated to her having to intervene in his attempts to down pills or remove knives from his hands when she was a teen and I could no longer shelter her. Nonetheless she never wanted daddy to leave and so I kept trying. And it all culminated with his telling her the truth about her parentage in the middle of separation talks as a way to hurt hurt me. And no, she wasn’t the product of an affair before you go making assumptions because you know what they say about those.

 

In then end he blew her world up because he couldn’t see beyond his own nose and she’s now left town because she wants to get away from the memories. She won’t even talk to him and hasn’t since that day. I’m paying for her therapy to help her deal with the pain he inflicted for no good reason. But yes I’m the flawed one who didn’t do enough to work on my marriage. Just don’t even bother responding.

 

Actually, maybe I’ll take my own advice. I don’t need to be vilified for being confused and torn. I hope this was a safe place where people would understand but seems this thread is nothing but BS. ive made mistakes this year but I don’t deserve this.

 

Thanks.

[BTDT2012]

ive made mistakes this year but I don’t deserve this.

 

 

What you deserve is a good man who will make a decision and not string you along.

[Starswillshine]

What you deserve is a good man who will make a decision and not string you along.

 

This.

 

We are here because we have lived it. We knows all the tricks. We see the writing on the wall because we dont have the emotional investment. It takes a long time for the heart to catch up to the brain.

[anika99]

OP you would be surprised at how much I relate. I spent years with a man who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder so I understand the abuse that goes along with a disordered man. Oh and I actually also had the experience of my ex (not the borderline guy) telling my son the truth about his biological father without talking to me about it first. He and I were on the same page that he would fulfill the role of father to my son and we would tell him the truth together but he decided to just suddenly blurt out the truth when I wasn't there and then I had to deal with the fallout.

 

These guys were awful alright and I'm glad to have gotten out of those relationships but ultimately their behaviour had nothing to do with mine. I and I alone was still responsible for my own happiness and my own decisions. In any case I agree that what you deserve is someone better than your MM because he sounds rather narcissistic too.

[BaileyB]

Lilkitkat, nobody is dismissing the trauma you experienced in your marriage or saying that you should have stayed or that you didn’t do enough to work on your marriage.

 

It goes without saying however, the fact that your first marriage was bad does not entitle you to a happy ending with this MM. It doesn’t give you the right to be complicit in the destruction of another marriage, another family.

 

You do deserve to find a man who will love you and give you the future you desire... I really hope you don’t spend too long waiting for this MM when you could be searching for the relationship you are meant to find.

[PhoenixRising8]

Lilkitkat, nobody is dismissing the trauma you experienced in your marriage or saying that you should have stayed or that you didn’t do enough to work on your marriage.

 

It goes without saying however, the fact that your first marriage was bad does not entitle you to a happy ending with this MM. It doesn’t give you the right to be complicit in the destruction of another marriage, another family.

 

You do deserve to find a man who will love you and give you the future you desire... I really hope you don’t spend too long waiting for this MM when you could be searching for the relationship you are meant to find.

 

With all due respect, the marriage was destroyed before I entered the picture, or there would not have been a me. No one wakes up one day after more than a quarter century of a faithful marriage and says "gee I think I'll go out and have an affair just for the hell of it". 3 years in separate bedrooms is a pretty good indication that the marriage is essentially in name only. Maybe I'm projecting my thoughts and feelings onto MM, let's call him Jim. But I've had reasonably solid confirmation that he has been honest about the state of his marriage. If I had any belief I could have saved my marriage I never would have sought out an affair and I believe the same to be true for him. Was it the right thing to do? In hindsight no given the mess we are in now.

 

At the time we embarked on this affair, we both had clearly set out boundaries. NSA. We intended to not change anything on the home front. We thought it would be a respite from our seemingly hopeless situations. It was not meant to be an exit strategy, at least not consciously. For me, I quickly came to the realization just how intolerable my marriage was and despite the massive financial hit I would take losing half my inheritance, pension and salary, it was either leave or die. I still had a hard time, until X pulled the crap with my daughter. That was the last unforgivable thing he was ever going to do. And I feel guilty every day that I waited until he blew up her life before I did what I should have done ages ago. Now, in addition to giving him half of everything, I am also responsible for supporting him for the rest of his miserable life.

 

As for Jim, well he got a lovely letter from his BS and everyone thinks she is just a poor BS who is only trying to save her marriage. She is taking the high road and admits she neglected him and took him for granted. She's going to do so much better now, right? Or maybe not ... he typically is in the office by 6 AM and he was today as well. Yes I know this because he calls me when he gets there to say good morning. He called me after 7:30 PM on his drive home. His intent was to do a quick stop to buy new socks, go home, have a bite and go to bed. So here's what happened. After his errand, he calls me back. She apparently made plans with a friend and despite being HOME ALL DAY, she couldn't get out to the grocery store so could he go pick up a few things? 4 days after that sweet letter, she's back to the same behaviours that have eroded the marriage to begin with. Your husband works a 14 hour day then you send him to get groceries when you've been home all day? Who does that? Someone who gives a damned about the long hours you work? I think not. That's just one of today's example. That's not taking someone for granted is it? He did laundry on Sunday. She works 4 hours a day 4 days a week while he works 70+ a week and he still has to do laundry and groceries? OK then...

 

A marriage certificate does not give you entitlement to the rest of someone's life as I finally realized. I didn't destroy their marriage. They did that all on their own. She certainly wouldn't continue to take him for granted if she meant to change her ways and make the marriage work, hence my comment in an earlier post that while her words may be nice, they do not align with her actions. She treats him like a habit rather than the love of her life.

 

And this is where my brain is conflicted. There is only one thing that makes me wonder if he will leave her and that is the fact he hasn't and has deferred a couple of times already. I know I struggled with my own decision and I wonder if he's doing the same. Who knows, without that fatal error by X, maybe I'd still be indecisive. But the truth is, Jim has always made me feel loved and special and he has made me a priority, not cancelling our time together, despite what plans or asks she makes of him. He has been there for me every time I needed him, and that's been a lot over the last 8 months.

 

Do I approve of his methodology? No I don't. Maybe it's a bit of revenge for how she treats him. I can honestly say, it makes me angry so why not him? That said, the best revenge would be for him to leave, but that's up to him.

 

I'm sure I will get a good lashing for this post but such is life.

[anika99]

I'm not interested in giving you a lashing. I will say in the most gentle way possible that you are relaying to us just one side of the story. Since you don't live with him, you are not a fly on their wall, you don't see and hear their every interaction and therefore you can't possibly know what really goes on in that marriage. There truly is 2 sides to every story.

 

In any case you are super defensive and so it's unlikely that anything we say will get through to you. Guess this is one of those lessons you will learn the hard way.

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm not interested in giving you a lashing. I will say in the most gentle way possible that you are relaying to us just one side of the story. Since you don't live with him, you are not a fly on their wall, you don't see and hear their every interaction and therefore you can't possibly know what really goes on in that marriage. There truly is 2 sides to every story.

 

In any case you are super defensive and so it's unlikely that anything we say will get through to you. Guess this is one of those lessons you will learn the hard way.

 

Maybe I am getting a bit defensive because it seems few people acknowledge that there is the possibility he is truly struggling. I know how tired and conflicted he is. I know the difference in him from just a few months ago. So I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am trying to sort out my own conflict between believing he will leave and he won't. Yes I know the statistics and they aren't favourable. I am not privy to everything that goes on but enough to have formed an opinion. Certainly I am privy to more than anyone on this board. Really, who expects their husband to run errands after working 14 hours a day while they go out with a friend. And just as a footnote, he called 45 minutes ago and when he came home, there were dirty dishes in the sink, dirty socks on the counter and she had actually gotten home and was watching TV! Yes, really sounds like she's paying attention to his needs, like dinner, rest etc. Definitely sounds like someone who truly meant she wouldn't continue to take him for granted. I guess one manipulative letter proves that....

[S2B]

Maybe I am getting a bit defensive because it seems few people acknowledge that there is the possibility he is truly struggling. I know how tired and conflicted he is. I know the difference in him from just a few months ago. So I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am trying to sort out my own conflict between believing he will leave and he won't. Yes I know the statistics and they aren't favourable. I am not privy to everything that goes on but enough to have formed an opinion. Certainly I am privy to more than anyone on this board. Really, who expects their husband to run errands after working 14 hours a day while they go out with a friend. And just as a footnote, he called 45 minutes ago and when he came home, there were dirty dishes in the sink, dirty socks on the counter and she had actually gotten home and was watching TV! Yes, really sounds like she's paying attention to his needs1, like dinner, rest etc. Definitely sounds like someone who truly meant she wouldn't continue to b him for granted. I guess one manipulative letter proves that....

 

 

Let me fix that for you:

 

 

You must have meant to type: this is what MM TOLD ME!

 

I know my exH told his OW that my housekeeping skills were sub par - guess what? EVERY single day that huge house was immaculate! You wouldn't believe how perfect everything in his life was! Not one piece of dirty laundry was left at the end of ANY day! We also had amazing sex at least once every day for 27 years.

 

I think he told his OW that because he knew his life was perfect and wanted to show how high his bar was set = things in his life were expected to always be perfect! Even to the point that every flower in the yard was deadheaded ever morning - by me!!!

 

Be careful what you wish for - you may get him.

 

 

He's likely just lying about his wife. My exH was shocked when I divorced him for his affair! I knew if he wasn't satisfied with me/our marriage - no one was going to be able to make him happy.

 

 

You see? It wasn't me - it was just HIM being an a$$... maybe your MM is the same way.

Edited November 14, 2018 by S2B

[S2B]

Be careful...

 

He likely wants an OW and his W.

 

If he REALLY didn't want her he would easily have moved in with you.

 

 

He can keep being a Dad no matter if he's married or not - no one takes that away from him - it's just an excuse he knows you'll believe.

[Amethyst68]

As I mentioned before unless you've been in their home to witness these poor housekeeping skills you have no idea what is going on in their household.

 

Likewise lots of couples sleep in separate rooms if they have the space, maybe she snores or suffers from insomnia - who knows?

 

Even being out with a friend could have been a supportive act, of course she could have just been having a good time, we don't know, butneither do you. Of course as mentioned above the house could have been sparkling when he got home.

 

 

Don't be naive, affair sites are full of people who are mainly content in their relationships but are looking for an easy side piece. That's what he was looking for remember, now it's true love so he has to rewrite his marital history to suit!

[WasOtherWoman]

So - i have only read the last few pages of this, but here are my thoughts, for whatever they are worth to you (I have been married to my MM for nearly 20 years now).....

 

The state of his marriage was not something that I discussed with him, aside from very early in our affair. It was not my problem nor my business. I also knew that i was certainly not going to provide a sympathetic ear for him. If you don't like your situation, change it, don't complain about it. And, frankly, was he really going to tell me that his home life was perfect, the house was immaculate and they had amazing monkey s*x every day? I think not.... certainly not in the MM handbook!

 

I also made it clear that I was playing for keeps here. I was not planning on being an OW for any length of time.... just did not work for me. I didn't need to be his wife, he just needed to not have one!!

 

I really believe that my unwillingness to be a band aid for his marriage, and my firm "make a decision" stance was the right way to go.

 

People can and do leave marriages, all the time. You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do and how you respond to him.

 

My .02....

 

edited to add: please know that I am not unsympathetic, being an OW was really sucky. I get all the feelings and emotions, believe me, I am not discounting that. I just tried to be a bit more strategic in my approach to my affair (understanding how ridiculous that probably sounds...)

Edited November 14, 2018 by WasOtherWoman
added....

[PhoenixRising8]

Let me fix that for you:

 

 

You must have meant to type: this is what MM TOLD ME!

 

I know my exH told his OW that my housekeeping skills were sub par - guess what? EVERY single day that huge house was immaculate! You wouldn't believe how perfect everything in his life was! Not one piece of dirty laundry was left at the end of ANY day! We also had amazing sex at least once every day for 27 years.

 

I think he told his OW that because he knew his life was perfect and wanted to show how high his bar was set = things in his life were expected to always be perfect! Even to the point that every flower in the yard was deadheaded ever morning - by me!!!

 

Be careful what you wish for - you may get him.

 

 

He's likely just lying about his wife. My exH was shocked when I divorced him for his affair! I knew if he wasn't satisfied with me/our marriage - no one was going to be able to make him happy.

 

 

You see? It wasn't me - it was just HIM being an a$$... maybe your MM is the same way.

 

I’m sorry your exH was an a$$. You may be right that Jim is also but you may also be wrong. That is the struggle I am facing right now: trying to figure out if I should continue to believe in him and for how long OR if I should pay attention only to the fact he hasn’t left while discounting a real struggle he may be facing, as I did, in leaving behind a total of 30 years of history. I know how badly and how long I struggled and mine was worse.

 

As for his housekeeping stories, they aren’t just stories. I’ve been to his house half a dozen times and every time the house has been in disarray. He has also gotten so frustrated he’s sent me pictures. Trust me she isn’t you.

[PhoenixRising8]

Be careful...

 

He likely wants an OW and his W.

 

If he REALLY didn't want her he would easily have moved in with you.

 

 

He can keep being a Dad no matter if he's married or not - no one takes that away from him - it's just an excuse he knows you'll believe.

 

Again, you may be right. Or it may be a real struggle ... that’s what I’m trying to figure out for myself.

[WasOtherWoman]

That is the struggle I am facing right now: trying to figure out if I should continue to believe in him and for how long OR if I should pay attention only to the fact he hasn’t left while discounting a real struggle he may be facing, as I did, in leaving behind a total of 30 years of history. I know how badly and how long I struggled and mine was worse.

 

.

 

So something else to consider is this.... assuming the struggle is real, which there is no reason to think it is not... how long is he going to live this way without making changes?

 

I watched my MM carefully during our affair to see how he dealt with life. He would not have been a suitable partner for me, if he were the type that "let life happen to him".

 

Why does he say he has not left?